How to get your spouse to say, Im sorry
by Alisa
Q: You keep telling us to Speak Our Voices, but whenever I tell my husband whats on my mind, he justifies his actions. He seems genetically incapable of saying, Im sorry. Is there a way to milk an apology out of this man? Desperately Seeking a Sorry
Dear Desperately Seeking a Sorry:
I hear you. I used to have the same problem. Fights between me and my husband used to go something like this:
Me: Im really frustrated that you sat indoors all day watching TV when the grass is so high that the poor dog keeps accidentally stepping on his own poop.
Him: I didnt watch TV all day.
Me: Yes you did. I saw you do it.
Him: The grass isnt that high.
Me: The neighbors are going to complain to the borough any minute now. I just lost our daughter out there. The police are currently searching for her, and they are using machetes to cut through the grass.
Him: I can cut it tomorrow.
Me: You are in Las Vegas tomorrow, and why do you have to be so difficult?
Him: You know, the strangest thing happened the other day
.
Me: Dont change the subject.
Him: Look over there
All I wanted was an, Im sorry. I screwed up. Youre right. Im a lazy slacker. Instead I got one justification after another for why he wasnt at fault, and when the justifications failed and the tension rose, he tried to change the subject.
My husband and I still occasionally have such arguments but, truth be told, the situation has somehow reversed itself. Now hes the one who is after an Im sorry and Im the greedy person who wont cough up the words. I believe everything in life happens for a reason. The reasons Im not sorry are:
1. It gives me something to blog about.
2. It helps me understand my husband that much more.
Neither justifies not saying the words, though. I just felt the need to tell you, so you would continue to find me endearing and lovable. Anyway, the point is that I now understand that my husband wasnt necessarily trying to annoy me. He wasnt even doing it because he didnt think he was at fault. He was doing it because hes a competitive person, and so am I. One of his life mantras is, Second is the first loser. Seriously. He truly believes this.
So it makes sense that hed have a hard time admitting defeat, especially when he has a wife who is willing to fight until the very bitter end because she cant admit defeat, either. (Not to mention the fact that his wife is almost always right, but I digress, yet again).
Still, he has learned to apologize. To get your spouse to do the same, you first need to understand why he hates to say those words. Chances are, he avoids saying, Im sorry for one of the following reasons:
- He thinks he can truly convince you that he is right and you are wrong, and he doesnt realize that this thinking is completely delusional.
- He thinks that, by changing the subject, you will experience a momnesia moment and forget what you were talking about in the first place. Again, he doesnt realize that his tactics will instead cause you to have a momnesia moment when you are trying to remember why you married him in the first place.
- Saying Im sorry makes him feel weak. He doesnt realize that true human strength lies in the ability to admit ones shortcomings.
I recommend having a conversation about his inability to apologize. Bring it up when you are both calm. In other words, the time to have this conversation is NOT when you are fighting about something else and you realize you want him to say, Im sorry. You need to have the conversation at a time when you are not after an apology.
When you talk, you might say, Honey, have you ever noticed that you rarely tell me that you are sorry?
Hell probably say something like, I tell you that Im sorry. Youll say, No you dont. And then you will be off on your cycle. Wait for the right moment, the one that will cause you both to laugh at your folly. At the right moment, after youve both done your No you dont and Yes I do thing for a while, say, Well, Id like you to tell me that you are sorry for not telling me you are sorry. Can you do that? Right now? See what happens.
This, by the way, is just an icebreaker. Its a way to ease yourself into a sticky discussion with a bit of humor. At some point state exactly how you feel about his refusal to apologize. You might say any or all of the following:
*
When you change the topic when Im trying to discuss something, it makes me feel as if you think Im stupid or that you think my feelings are not important.
* When you justify your actions instead of apologizing, I get even more frustrated. Then our arguments last even longer.
Then, end with a question, Why do you think you have such a hard time apologizing? If hes a strong and silent type like my guy, hell probably say something philosophical like, Dunno.
In the future, when you confront your husband, youll get to Sorry more quickly if you:
- Confront him while you are doing something else. People feel less threatened when they are not making eye contact. Talk while in the car or while walking. If he doesnt realize you are confronting him, hell be a lot more likely to have a conversation with you rather than shut down and battle you.
- Maintain your happy voice. If you state how you feel in the same tone of voice you use to talk about your day, his danger mechanism might not engage.
- Answer his attempts to battle you or change the subject with simple questions: Why are you trying to justify your actions? Why are you changing the subject? Why cant you just apologize?
Note: All of the advice here applies to women, too. If your wife refuses to say shes sorry, try it and see.
