The Conservative Palinguage/McCaingage Guide Vols. 1 and 2
September 5th, 2008 | Posted in Talkback | Vol. 1
If you're a minority and you're selected for a job over more qualified candidates you're a "token hire."
If you're a conservative and you're selected for a job over more qualified candidates you're a "game changer."
If you live in an Urban area and you get a girl pregnant you're a "baby daddy."
If you're the same in Alaska you're a "teen father." (Actually, according to your own MySpace page you're an F'n redneck that don't want any kids, but that's too long a phrase for the evil liberal media to take out of context and flog morning noon and night).
Black teen pregnancies? A "crisis" in black America.
White teen pregnancies? A "blessed event."
If you grow up in Hawaii you're "exotic."
Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, you're the quintessential "American story."
Similarly, if you name you kid Barack you're "unpatriotic."
Name your kid Track, you're "colorful."
If you're a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fulling vetting the individual you're "reckless."
A Republican who doesn't fully vet is a "maverick."
If you say that for the "first time in my adult lifetime I'm really proud of my country" it makes you "unfit" to be First Lady.
If you are a registered member of a fringe political group that advocates secession that makes you "First Dude."
A DUI from twenty years ago is "old news."
A speech given without proper citation from twenty years ago is "relevant information."
And, finally, if you're a man and you decide to run for office despite your wife's reoccurrence of cancer you're a "questionable spouse."
If you're a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five kids including a newborn with Downs Syndrome… Well, we don't know what that is ‘cause THAT'S NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK!
Vol. 2
If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, you're a "phoney."
Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, you're "well loved."
SoyAA says: If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to "get to know you."
If you're white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know you're "one of us."
If you give your wife a dap on stage, it's actually a "terrorist fist jab."
If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest child's hair on national TV it's an "adorable moment." (Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills).
DTD SAYS: If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, you're an "extremist."
If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that they must convert to Christianity, you're a "fundamentalist."
If you're a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, you're "uppity."
If you're a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more school over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of school in Hawaii).
SeanOcali says: If you're 18, white, and get a 16 year old girl pregnant "life happens."
If you're 18, black, and impregnate a 16 year old girl, you're a "registered sex offender."
If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of "Change," it's just "empty rhetoric."
If one week before your party's national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about "Change," that's "red meat."
And your last lesson for the day:
If you are a Democrat, an Independent, or even a moderate Republican, if you're female, male, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, bi-racial, multi-ethnic, or GLBT, if you're a Jew, Gentile, Muslim, agnostic or atheist - "Yes, we can!"
If you're a pitbull with lipstick from Alaska, "Yup, yup!"
Tags: Sarah Palin
and
If you are a Democratic male candidate who is popular with millions of people you are an "arrogant celebrity".
If you are a popular Republican female candidate you are "energizing the base".
If you are a younger male candidate who thinks for himself and makes his own decisions you are "presumptuous".
If you are an older male candidate who makes last minute decisions you refuse to explain, you are a "shoot from the hip" maverick.
If you are a candidate with a Harvard law degree you are "an elitist-out of touch" with the real America.
if you are a legacy (dad and granddad were admirals) graduate of Anapolis, with multiple disciplinary infractions you are a hero.
If you manage a multi-million dollar nationwide campaign, you are an "empty suit".
If you are a part time mayor of a town of 7000 people, you are an "experienced executive".
If you go to a south side Chicago church, your beliefs are "extremist".
If you believe in creationism and don't believe global warming is man made, you are "strongly principled".
If you're a 13-year-old Chelsea Clinton, the right-wing press calls you "First dog."
If you're a 17-year old pregnant unwed daughter of a Republican, the right-wing press calls you "beautiful" and "courageous
If you are Levi Johnston and you are white, you are lauded as the epitome of the All-American kid who is doing the noble thing by marrying the underage girl you got pregnant.
If you are Levi Johnston and you are black, you are in jail for statutory rape
If you are a democrat with one house and one spouse, you are an elitist who lacks real American family values.
If you are a republican with 7-10 houses( you'll check with your staff for the exact figure) and two wives( one a former model whom you left when she was disfigured in an accident and the other a rodeo queen and heiress who became your mistress and broke up your family to become your second wife after paying off the first wife), you are a both just a regular guy and a true hero/role model with mainstream American Christian values.
and
If you're a Democrat and promise to cut the taxes of 95% of all Americans, you're raising taxes.
If you're a Republican (in a state with no state income tax and no state sales tax) and give a $1,200 rebate from oil income to all taxpayers, you're cutting taxes.
and
If you are stupid you vote for McCain/Palin
If you are smart you vote Obama/Biden
END OF STORY!!!
