SoC01 The Suicide Note that no-one read

[Perfectfuture]

THE SUICIDE NOTE THAT NO ONE READ​

“I am trying to be strong and fight these demons but no matter how hard I try, their voices are stronger and my pace is nothing compared to theirs. Why do I feel so empty so lost, I am tired of holding onto broken pieces of a mirror that used to mirage my life. No one seems to understand. It’s all just a mess; please forgive me for the pain I am about to cause”

I have always been a sick child in battle fighting demons inside my head. I would be lying if I said that I have a taste of freedom. The truth is that, I am tied to a master of an evil kind who controls my body and mind. I have been struggling since I was twelve but my parents only noticed when I was sixteen, when I tried drinking twenty tablets of ibuprofen; failed suicide attempt!

I was thrown to a mental facility, therapy sessions on a daily basis but they did not understand that I am a victim with no chance. Symptoms reduce but they never end. Suicidal thoughts were a part of me but they wanted me to get rid of them; how can you get rid of something that is you? They pushed me to be normal but I was not normal. I was sick. So they forced me to put on a mask and pretend that I was alright, that I had been healed.

It is three years since I left the hospital and people think I am much better because there before I was sad and angry but now I am “happy”. I smile and laugh. But that is so far from the truth. I am still in a battle. I cannot run from my master. He is slowly consuming me. I am afraid of telling my family the truth because of how happy they are that I am well. I do not want them to keep on worrying about me and treating me like an egg. I want a taste of freedom but that is impossible no? I could tell my friends but oops! I do not have any friends. The last time I tried to say that I was depressed, they laughed at it because they thought I was being ridiculous. They stopped inviting me to events because “I had lost it”. Some went to the extent of gossiping about it. They did not know that they were adding salt to the injury. I am now a lost cause with no hope for redemption.

It is not once that I have felt like I do not belong, like I should just end me and everyone will finally be at peace. No one will feel the burden of a sick boy. I am tired of trying to be normal when clearly I am not, I have never been. I am a wretched monster and monsters are a curse, they should not even exist so maybe I should just end me. Maybe that is the only option left because I do not know how to explain what I feel and worse there is no room for me to express how I feel. I do not know what peace feels like. Maybe if I end me then my master will let me free and I will have the freedom that I have always craved.

I am in so much hurt. Can you anaesthetize this pain right now? I cannot dare to imagine how many people like me crave the numbness of the blade because that is the only place we feel safe. Why can’t we just be allowed to hurt openly and freely like someone suffering from Typhoid or malaria? Why is mental illness not treated like any other disease?

I am lonely. I feel like I should just give in to the blade and enjoy the satisfaction of blood gushing out of my veins as I carve the blade deeper and deeper. I do not feel like I belong to the land of the living because they cannot accept me for me. I am either treated like a glass that will crack on the slightest movement or as an outcast that should be gotten rid of. I am fully aware of the change around mental health awareness that is slowly progressing but slow is not what a victim without chance like me needs. I hope it is not too late when people understand how serious mental illness is because I have only one breath left, the one that I am breathing. I am afraid hell is let loose on me and I am in the darkest days of my life. If all goes well, I will be on the right hand side of the devil judging everything right I did and cheerful on the wrong ones. Do not be scared for I have never been a stranger to death. The dark side has always hymned in me and my master has offered me a shoulder to lean on and his servants have made a palace for me to dwell in, so why should I not just give in? They promised to accept me for who I am and that is all I ever wanted. Why not?

If I breathe my last, just know that I tried with all my might but the pain in my heart was unreasonable and I did not have a channel to outlet. The doubt in my mind is unimaginable and the fear in my soul is tangible. The pain in my heart is visible.

I hope no one else goes through this. Let us be good human beings who listen and pay attention to details. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to mental health. Be supportive be kind, it is the least you can do. Make room for change as an individual and get rid of stereotypes, stigma and shame around mental illness. What people go through is always different and you cannot understand unless you go through it but now I bet you have a glimpse of how frustrating and lonely it can be when you have demons in your head. When we know, we do better.

END STIGMA AND SHAME AROUND MENTAL HEALTH!