Kitaalam kinini kinasababisha mwanaume kuvuthwa kimapenzi na mwanaume mwenzake | JamiiForums | The Home of Great Thinkers

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Kitaalam kinini kinasababisha mwanaume kuvuthwa kimapenzi na mwanaume mwenzake

Discussion in 'JF Doctor' started by Muarubaini, Jun 14, 2012.

  1. M

    Muarubaini JF-Expert Member

    Jun 14, 2012
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    Lengo nikuwasaidia watu kama hao kwan nilisoma kwenye article moja kuwa kuna watu wenye hali hizo ila zinaweza kubadilishwa iwapo watapata ushauri mzuri wa kisaikolojia na pia kutibu chanzo
  2. MadameX

    MadameX JF-Expert Member

    Jun 14, 2012
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    sex is the 1st motive, having family is the 2nd, support and then loyality.
  3. stephot

    stephot JF-Expert Member

    Jun 14, 2012
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    Samahani mie nilikuwa napita tu ndo nikakutana na hii thread ngoja na mie niwasikilize wataalamu wanasemaje.
  4. dfreym

    dfreym JF-Expert Member

    Jun 14, 2012
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    vp kaka na wewe umo kwenye hako kamduara? mbona unaonekana sana kujali?..... NATANIA TU MJOMBA.....
    nahisi ni hormones, mazingira, na shetani, ukimkumbatia mungu hayatokuandama.
  5. charminglady

    charminglady JF-Expert Member

    Jun 14, 2012
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    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2016
  6. MziziMkavu

    MziziMkavu JF-Expert Member

    Jun 14, 2012
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    Male to Male Sexual Feeling

    Ed Tejirian questions the line between gay and straight and how it relates to relationships.

    In 2011, the heaviest taboos connected with being gay have been lifted. Nevertheless, the cultural boundary line between “gay” and “straight” seems as definitive as ever, at least for men. I don’t think these categories of identity give us an accurate picture of male sexual feeling.
    In the late 1970s, Frank, a young married man, came to me for psychotherapy because he thought he might be possessed by the devil. A dream in which he was having sex with his best friend was the key to discovering the meaning of the devil obsession—his desire for a sexual relationship with a man. The fear of possession soon evaporated. Although Frank and his friend acknowledged their mutual attraction, both pursued sexual relationships with women.
    Back in the mid-1990s, I was teaching a graduate course in adolescent psychology at a public university in New York City. Most of my students were already teaching; their average age was mid to late 20s, with a few in their 50s. I had my graduate [​IMG]students read and write reaction papers to my book, Sexuality and the Devil: Symbols of Love, Power, and Fear in Male Psychology. The book contained Frank’s story, as well as chapters dealing with the relation between sexuality and culture. Several students, in their reaction papers, either hinted at or quite candidly told of experiencing some degree of same-sex feeling. I decided to ask them—gently and without pressure—in their subsequent reaction papers, if they had experienced same-sex attractions. They could say as much or as little as they wished on the subject.
    In four different groups of students across four semesters, 25 of 74 women (33 percent) and 24 out of 56 men (42 percent) reported experiencing some degree of same-sex feeling or had an actual sexual experience with someone of the same sex (after the age of 16). Virtually all of them were aware that their same-sex feelings were disapproved of by society. Some women had shared these feelings with female friends or even boyfriends, but none of the men had told anyone about them except me. By all outward appearances, all the men fell into the normal range of what is socially considered “masculine.” Their public identification was heterosexual, while a few—privately to me—called themselves bisexual.Here’s what some of the men in my classes told me:
    Fred’s first awareness of a sexual response to another male was to an image of Michaelangelo’s “David” in a college art history class. He wrote, “For a while I was actually in my own reality and allowed myself to be turned on.” Sometimes, while having sex with his fiancée, images of perfect male bodies came into his mind. Echoing Frank’s feelings about his best friend, he said, “Everybody, regardless of gender, has looked at a close friend of the same sex with a little more than love, respect, and admiration.” But he saw no way to act on or reveal such feelings without being labeled and rejected as “homosexual.”
    Jason had recently been in a threesome with a woman and a male friend. Although nothing directly happened between him and his male friend, he felt emotionally close to him and felt a desire for something more. Jason did not know how to make this happen and asked himself, “Why I can’t take away the girl and just have something with the guy?”
    Charlie said, “I consider myself to be bisexual because I love both males and females, and if I ever feel like being physically close to a male and he’s open to it I will do it.” Although he said he had never felt the desire to have intercourse with a male, the night before we were to have an interview as a follow-up to his reaction paper, Charlie had a dream in which he was taking the “dominant” or “top” role in intercourse with another man. Two things are noteworthy here: prior to the dream, Charlie described himself—for the first time—as “bisexual,” one of the few “sexual identity” terms our culture provides. As with Frank, his dreaming self was ahead of his waking self in creating a scene of sexual intimacy with a man that he had not been quite ready to acknowledge a desire for.
    Brad had never had any sexual feelings about a man before college. But in college, he found people in a gay chat room to be friendly and struck up a friendship with another man, via the Internet. He said, “I kind of fell in love with him.” Their relationship culminated with Brad coming to orgasm while imagining performing oral sex on his cyber-friend.
    During college, Gary and another man struck up a friendship. The other man, who was gay, wrote Gary a letter telling him he was in love with him. Initially, Gary thought of breaking off the friendship. However, the warmth between them was such that they eventually had sex together. Gary met the woman who would became his fiancée in my class that semester.
    My students’ confidences demonstrated that some degree of sexual feeling between men is common enough to make it a normal aspect of male psychology. It is consistent with a core sense of a male self and occurs, as in my class, in men whose identities are heterosexual. My assumption is that in any group there are a fair number of men who experience some degree of same-sex feelings. But in the wider culture, in contrast to my students’ communications to me, they have learned to keep these thoughts and feelings to themselves.
    Ed Tejirian, Ph.D. is a therapist in New York City and the author of Male to Male: Sexual Feeling Across the Boundaries of Identity. Check out his website...................mmmmmhhhhh @charminglady
  7. MziziMkavu

    MziziMkavu JF-Expert Member

    Jun 14, 2012
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    Ninakubaliana na wewe ni kuwa hormones zikizidi basi unashindwa kuji control unaweza kufanya mambo ya ajabu na Watu wakashangaa,Na mazingira yalivyo kwa mfano Uarabuni kupata mwanamke inakuwa ni Big Deal lakini kwa hapo kwetu Wanawake wapo wa kumwaga kwanini wewe Mwaname umtamani mwanamme mwenzako? hapo sasa inakuja mambo ya Kishetani na ukimuendekeza shetani atakupeleka pabaya motoni... dfreym
    Mmmhhhh....... Tatizo hili mimi huıliita kwa lugah ya Kiingereza ( chronic disease) Gonjwa sugu lisilopona kwa haraka mpaka sasa halijaweza kupatiwa Ufumbuzi. Kwa Nchi za Ulaya Mwanamme kumtamani mwanamme Mwenzake ni jambo la Kawaida ,Siku hizi wanaowana Wanaume kwa waunaume huku ulaya, Baba analala kimapenzi

    na mwanawe wa kike,Mama analala kimapenzi na mtoto wake wa kiume Wanawake kwa Wanawake Wanasagana ni kitu cha kawaida huku ulaya. Na Uarabuni mambo kama hayo pia yapo. Kwa sisi huko kwetu africa hayo matatizo yameingia miaka ya 90 tunaiga mambo ya

    kizungu sisi watu Weusi kwa kupenda kuiga hata kitu kibaya unaiga ahhhh hayo matatizo ni magumu kupata ufumbuzi itachukuwa muda mrefu sana mpaka watu waelimishwe madhara yake ni makubwa kupata Ukimwi na Maradhi ya kupooza mwili ukifanya tendo la kumuingilia Mwanamme Mwenzako mwisho wake wewe unaye fanya kitendo hicho ni kupata maradhi ya kupooza mwili upande mmoja. Naishia hapo Mkuu............ charminglady
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2016
  8. MziziMkavu

    MziziMkavu JF-Expert Member

    Jun 14, 2012
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    What Happens When We Don’t Teach Our Boys About Sex


    Exploring the mess we are in around male sexuality. How did we get here and what on earth do we do?

    My first sexual experience with another person was when my cousin taught me how to masturbate. Naturally, it felt good. But then he shamed and humiliated me, leaving a deep scar. This became my initial sexual imprint, and it has impacted my sexuality to this day.
    Instead of learning, I went into hiding like most men run by shame. I listened to other peers who were equally immature and confused.
    Before I sought out help, I was left adrift, aimlessly trying to be a man with this cosmic sword between my legs. No one ever taught me the profound power my cock could yield. That I could give life or destroy life with its power. My dad dropped the ball as did my culture.
    I received ZERO training around sex or my body until age 34. None. Fortunately for me, I now have excellent mentors and friends who are helping me grow up my sexuality and dive into it’s headwaters with open arms.
    To not teach children about the sacredness of their bodies and their sexuality is one of the CORE abandonments of our time.
    This post is about the mess we are in around male sexuality. I am here to name it and simply put it in the open for all of us to see.
    So how did we get into this mess?
    I’m guessing there’s more to the story than this, but I’m naming one GIANT dynamic if not THE dynamic that got us here.
    First, let’s acknowledge that some of us (not me) got an amazing, healthy, wise education around sex, our bodies, and our sexuality. If that’s you, congratulations! Seriously. Then, let’s acknowledge that there are a good number of people out there that believe we are teaching are kids plenty, even too much, about sex and sexuality (i.e. conservative religious groups).
    Leaving it up to the Churches and schools to train our kids about their penises and vaginas and how to use them has gotten us where we are today, ashamed, avoiding, and hoping someone else will teach this complicated stuff for us. If those entities did a great job, we’d be seeing different results.
    Because adults have been, by in large, too ashamed or limited in themselves, they have taught our boys a very watered down version of sex education. That’s the best case scenario. It’s either nothing at all, or a “birds and the bees” talk in middle school or high school, likely from a teacher who is filtering information because their hands are tied by a fearful administration.
    Think about what you got in terms of sex ed. I got a health class in 8th grade (in Utah) and then my dad talked to me in High school about wearing a condom. That’s it. That’s all I got.
    So, what did I do? I learned from peers (well before high school) who were equally as ashamed, misinformed, and confused.
    I was completely and utterly abandoned, as was my father by his father and on and on. I get that it wasn’t my Dad’s fault. How could he teach me anything about sex given what was taught to him by a Dad who probably never even mentioned it? Generations of betrayal. Generations of neglect and looking the other way, hoping kids would “figure it out” or innocently thinking it would take care of itself.
    So, when I think about my own son, I can see the doorway toward “letting him figure it out.” That door is wide open and would be easy for me to just drop the ball and keep the generations of abandonment alive.
    But I won’t do that. No way. Not in my house. I won’t pass the buck to other adults and expect them to deliver. I also refuse to let other 4, 5, 6, 7 year old boys teach my son about his sacred body. I refuse to let another kid shaming him while he’s naked or hard core porn be his first sexual experience.
    I will show up for my son. I’m scared and excited to teach him everything about his beautiful body and its power. I feel inspired to train him to use his penis responsibly. And guess what? My son is 3 years old and needs information now! He is exploring his body right now! Wait until middle school? I don’t think so.
    Most of us men received little to no sexual training as boys. We simply learned from other boys. Our first sexual experiences were often either molestation (1 in six boys is sexually abused before age 16), experimentation with ourselves (some kind of masturbation, mostly to porn these days) or other boys (more than one-third of the sexual abuse of America’s children is committed by other minors).
    As boys, in order to fit in, we were supposed to make fun of other boys when we were naked. If we were too “good” or too scared to do that, we got quiet and became bystanders hoping some adult would step up and set a boundary. When no one did, we remained silent because speaking up we might have faced ridicule or humiliation.
    Anything that resembled being gay or too feminine, we shamed and humiliated in each other and called it “funny.” We were mostly taught that sex is great, but also bad and that masturbation is bad even though it feels good. Hmmm….Our choice? Posture and fake it trying to “be one of the guys,” or go underground with our sexuality and experiment in isolation.
    Confused yet?
    As teen boys, we taught each other to objectify women and keep score. We were either taught that w0men like strong men that are stoic and hide their vulnerability like any superhero in the movies, or maybe we took the gentleman’s path, (slightly more conservative but still damaging) where we are supposed to take care of women and be “clean” by never masturbating or succumbing to our animal desires, thus being a “good boy.”
    If we were gay, or wondered if we were gay, we had no where safe to turn to, no one to ask, no place to explore in a safe way. So, again we isolated and felt shame and guilt. Then we might have played along with the straight boys thus adding more self-abandonment and confusion.
    Then we found oursevles in an oversexualized culture where women’s bodies were everywhere for us to gawk at including in video games, TV, magazines, and even in men’s sports. We went to college where our sex drive was through the roof and we sprayed it around like a fire-hose with no supervision and little consequence. Or we were so confused, we shut down and got quiet. If we wanted to be “one of the guys” we tried to get laid a lot and talked a big game, thinking that might win us friends. If we didn’t take that path, we stayed a quiet bystander letting our brothers off the hook over and over as they objectified and used women over and over again while we isolated and went inward for answers.
    Pile on more confusion….
    Of course, then we became adult men (whatever that means), and even though we have the power to seek out a therapist or professional to get help with the confusion and power between our legs, we didn’t. Either because we didn’t even know it was an option, or because we might have faced silent judgment or ridicule from our peers–more shame and humiliation, all part of the gender straightjacket.
    Now that we are officially confused and ashamed about our penis and sex, and live in a culture that supports our dis-embodiment, we paradoxically find comfort in our isolation and disconnection. It’s the new norm. We mask over any whisper of shame or fear so we can fit in with the guys and then we hope to meet a cool woman that likes us despite our insecurities.
    Then in our isolation, while no one is looking and with the door locked, we finally find relief in our sexually confused state–porn. It’s quick, easy, cheap, with an endless variety where we don’t have to deal with the complexities of interpersonal relationship dynamics. We can stay alone and keep it locked away in our inner sanctum. It even gives us temporarily relief from the stress in our lives and gives the illusion of keeping our shame at bay.
    Once again, the boy code has conditioned us into a little, tiny corner where we remain angry, alone, confused, and isolated. Our conditioning is a trap. Be a certain way, and don’t act outside the box. If you do, we will humiliate you. Don’t speak up or intervene, b/c that too is gay, weak, or feminine. So, stay put, stay a bystander, stay in your box.
    So this is where we are today
    Like it or not, the state of male sexuality in this culture (and probably the world) is that of a sick, neglected, and deeply abandoned child, and we can see the wake of it everywhere in our lives. The way boys treat girls, the way men treat women. The way boys treat boys. The bullying and shame, coercion, and intimidation to be a certain way sexually. The gay jokes, the “small penis” jokes, the “pussy” jokes, the rape, misogyny,misandry, the violence, Matthew Shepard, Penn State, The Catholic Church, and the shame and self-hatred toward our own bodies.
    All taught by who? Boys.
    That’s right. We adults have put boys in charge of teaching other boys about the most sacred parts of their bodies. Boys are teaching other boys about sexuality in this culture. And because adults are unable or unwilling to step up, this is the mess we are in.
    So, this is on the table for us to examine and see clearly. How about we pause and take this all in.
    The next question for me is “okay, what do I do about it?”
    In my own home, I will take on the responsibility to teach and train my son about his “wee wee” (penis), his body, and his sexuality with unwavering respect and love.
    In terms of the global problem, the questions are rolling in. From single moms to new dad’s like me.
    How are you dealing with your own confused sexuality and how will you/are you teaching your son about it? Because wherever you are ashamed and stuck, you will block your son from learning and embodying a healthy sexuality.
    What I am doing about it?
    I am teaching him about his sacred body. Where I’m stuck, I’m getting help, hiring mentors, going to classes and learning about how to appropriately (factoring in age and brain development) and truthfully talk to my son about his body and his sexuality. And, if enough parents ask, I’ll probably offer tele-classes or write more on the subject. I’m open to suggestions.
    Please share below how you are navigating this critical terrain.
    If you are a parent of a son, or are actively involved in raising boys in your life, join our facebook pageRaising Boys.[​IMG]
  9. Riwa

    Riwa JF-Expert Member

    Jun 15, 2012
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    Sifahamu kwa kweli...
  10. BAGAH

    BAGAH JF-Expert Member

    Jun 15, 2012
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    nimefikaje huku...?