By Diana Vilibert and Abraham Lloyd
Should You Be Friends with Your Ex?
He Said/She Said
HE SAID: We tend to forget that relationships between two people are living, breathing, things. Just as it takes time for them to grow into something larger than ourselves, it also takes time for them to evolve into something different when we decide to leave our partners. Breakups, no matter how quickly we may want them to resolve themselves, are misleading. While they certainly represent the end of a relationship, they are really the beginning of a new one with our former partner. Can this lead to friendship? Certainly sometimes...but that depends on significantly more than the agreements negotiated in the moment.
As a relationship optimist, I believe that it is completely possible to become friends with exes. Life is too short to hold grudges, and it seems absurd to exclude someone from your life that you cared about and with whom you shared special moments. That being said, this is rarely something that happens overnight. Just as it took time for your relationship to grow with your partner, time is exactly what is necessary to allow a relationship to evolve into friendship. Similarly, just as you made a conscious choice to have a partner, it can take even more commitment to turn a former partner into a friend.
Mutual breakups tend to turn into friendship more often than one-sided breakups as it is easier to negotiate the rules of friendship when former partners are in agreement and realize together that the relationship is over. One-sided breakups make this more difficult as one partner may still be holding on to the relationship that the other no longer wants. In these situations, a clear separation is necessary. Before friendship can be attained, it first has to be agreed upon with no conditions or ties to the previous relationship. If your ex is using friendship as a way to hold on to your old relationship, then chances are you will not end up friends. Clinging to the past, however romantic it may be, rarely leads to resolving the relationship. If anything, it breeds distrust as it forces you to question the motives of your ex. On that note, how many friends do you have that you do not trust? Exactly.
SHE SAID: Being friends with an ex is tricky and difficult to pull off without hurt feelings, but if you're set on it, keep these pointers in mind:
Take a Break: Some might argue you should never be friends with an ex, but at the very least, don't attempt a platonic friendship 24 hours post-breakup. Depending on how long and serious your relationship was, give each other at least a month to heal...away from each other. No daily phone calls and no movie nights. You need time to readjust to your daily life and schedule without your ex by your side, which is difficult to do if they never leave it as you make the shift in your relationship.
Keep It Clean: It's tough, but once the relationship is over, bite your tongue and resist rehashing fights and everything your ex did wrong...both to his face and behind his back. If you're serious about being friends, badmouthing each other and throwing blame for the breakup won't get you there.
Know Your Limits: Can't handle hearing about an ex's new fling? Let him know. Explain that while you are ready to be friends, you still need some time before hearing about new love interests... don't just grin and bear it. Make any off-limits conversation clear from the beginning. This might be restrictive or forced at first, but you can always decide that new relationships are back on the table for discussion later, when you're truly ready. Don't force it if it'll ruin your day each time he says another girl's name.
Don't Dig Up the Past: If you have made the decision to be friends with your ex, try to keep your past issues out of it. People who were terrible romantic partners can make great friends, but you'll never find out if you're constantly mumbling passive-aggressive "yeah, you were never great at so-and-so" under your breath.
Reevaluate: Sometimes we're desperate to stay friends with our exes because we can't imagine them not being in our lives anymore. This is understandable and yes, perhaps it's really the case that you had a connection worth holding on to. But don't be afraid to go back on your promise of undying friendship if you find that feeling and enthusiasm cooling, whether it's because being friends it just too painful or because you realize you're just not into him, as friends or otherwise.