Kwani lazima kuoana?

Baba watatu said:
No my dear,ni lazima kulikuwa na sababu.Inawezekana uliamua kuingia katika ndoa kwa sababu tu ndivyo utaratibu jinsi ulivyo,mtu wa umri wako ni lazima awe katika ndoa.Lakini lazima kulikuwa na sababu
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sababu yenyewe ndio hiyo chemistry!!!!

You know how chemistry works, yaani hata ukimwona hununi, hukasiriki kwa vitu vidogo vidogo, hamgombani hovyo na kila wakati unapenda muwe pamoja. Mna story zisizoisha, kila siku mnalala saa nane za usiku mkiongea na kucheka. Soo compatible...... hapo je kuna kufikiria ndoa mara mbili? inakuja tuuu.

Lakini sina uhakika kama ndio hili haswaa lilonitia ndoani. Wengi wa wanandoa wanajikuta ndoani bila kuwa na sababu. Inatokea tu.
 

To be honest,you are luck and its good to hear.
 
Baba watatu, niliwahi kusoma makala moja mahali iliyokuwa na kichwa cha habari " Kwa nini unaoa au kuolewa" Muandishi wa makala hiyo alizungumzia katika mitazamo miwili tofauti. Kwanza mtazamo wa kiimani (dini) ingawa hapa kiasi fulani alipinga baadhi ya mambo. Kwamba kwa kuwa dini zote zinakemea uzinzi watu wanaofikia umri wa kuoa au kuolewa huamua kufunga ndoa ili kuhalalisha hilo tendo. Ingawa kulingana na hadithi zilizopo katika vitabu vya dini mwanadamu alipoumbwa mwanamke na mwanaume waliambiwa na mungu kuwa waende duniani wakazaane na kujaza ulimwengu (hawakuambia nendeni mkaone then mzae na kujaza ulimwengu). So muandishi alichukulia ndoa ni ubunifu wa binadamu katika kutaka kurasimisha tendo la ngono.

Jambo la pili ni kuwa ndoa imechuliwa kama ni hurka ya ubinafsi ambayo binadamu wamekuwa nayo toka enzi na enzi. Kwamba mwanamke na mwanaume wakipendana kinachofatia ni wao kutopenda mtu mwingine kuwaingilia katika mahusiano yao hivyo ili kujenga uzito katika kuzuia kuingiliwa wanaamua kuona na kufanya jamii ione kuwa fulani ni mke au mume wa mtu kwa hiyo ni dhambi au vibaya kuwa na mahusiano ya kimapenzi nae ingawa hilo halina nguvu sana kwani tumeshuhudia watu walioko katika ndoa wakisaliti ndoa zao.

Pili kuoa au kuolewa yawezekana inatokana na mtazamo wa kutojiamini sana. Kwamba ukimpata mpenzi unayempenda unahisi kuwa salama zaidi kimapenzi kiasi kwamba akili yako inakufanya uamini kuwa bila ya huyo mtu maisha yako hayajakamilika. So njia bora unaona ni kumuoa huyo mwanamke au kuolewa na huyo mwanaume ili uamini kuwa ni wako tu!!!

Yawezekana pia kukawa na sababu nyingine nyingi tu kwani mazingira hutofautiana kati ya mtu na mtu kama kufata kipato alichonacho mtu, mali, umaarufu n.k.
 
Bianafsi ilikuwa na sababu kadhaa za kuoa.Kwanza nilikuwa natekeleza maamrisho ya dini yangu na nilikuwa naogopa sana kufanya zinaa na matokeo yake hasa kupata mtoto nje ya ndoa.Matamanio yangu ya mwili yalikuwa sababu ya pili,nilihitaji kuutendea haki mwili wangu bila ya kumkasirsha Muumba.Tatu,majukumu niliyonayo katika familia yetu niliamini nitaweza kuyatimiza kwa ukamilifu zaidi kama nitaoa,sijui imani hii niliitoa wapi.Hivyo baada ya kumaliza tuu chuo cha kwanza kufanya ilikuwa kuoa.The last thing was to have a family, a happy one.Sababu nyingine ni ndogo ndogo.
 
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Furahia maisha na familia yako, life is too short........
 

Hizi sababu mbili za chini,ingawa ziko kisaikolojia zaidi lakini naweza kukubaliana nazo.Kwani unaweza kukutana na kichinchili kinavutia na ukahisi kuna wanaume wengine wengi tuu wanamtolea mimacho,unachofanya ni kutangaza ndoa fasta fasta kumiliki mzigo.
 
Hakuna kanunu mazee ...

Angalia unachotaka, angalia na realities, jipime na uamua kama inakufaa au aikufai.

Kuna wengine wakiwa kwenye ndia ndio maisha yao yanenda sawa wengine hovyo.

Kuna wengine wakiwa nje ya ndoa mambo yanenda, wengine sivyo.

Fanya unachojisikia. Usioe/Usiolewe kwa sababu marafiki zako wanaoa/wanaolewa. Oa/Olewa kwa sababu unadhani maisha yako yataboreka ukiwa na HUYO mtu unayetaka kumuoa/Kuolewa naye.

Wala usifute dhana ya kuoa/kuolewa kwa sababu ya uoga.

Wanasema uoga wako ndio umasikini wako ...
 



Kuoa na Kuolewa ni mpango wa Mungu. Kilichobaki ni kumwomba Mungu akupe ubavu wa ubavu wako na si mwingineo. Ndoa ni kitu chema kwanza kwa wale wawili wapendanao na kuamua kwa pamoja kuishi pamoja officially. Katika maamuzi hayo yawe ni ya wazi na kuweka sera zenu wote wazi katika likes and dislikes!!!!!

Wengi wanaingia kwenye ndoa kwa kulazimishwa na circumstances!!!!! Hii ni mbaya sana!!!!! Kwa mfano imetokea binti amepata mimba katika enjoyment zao tu, na kwa bahati mbaya unakuta either wote wawili walikuwa wanafurahia penzi tu na si upendo wa dhati au hata mmojawapo hakuwa serious na relationship hiyo. Then wakioana tu ati kwa sababu ya mimba then for sure ndoa hiyo itakuwa na problem. Vinginevyo wawe wamepata Counselling ya kutosha. Anyway, ndoa ni makubaliano ya watu wawili, mwanamke na mwanaume na kwa kawaida makubaliano hayo kwa bahati mbaya wanayafahamu wao peke yao.

ijulikane kuwa kuishi maisha ya Useja ni ngumu sana!!!!!!!!!! Tusijidanganye!!!!!Ukitaka uliza experience kwa mapadri na masista kwa wale wenzetu Wakatoliki watawa na mapadre wasiooa. Tungekuwa na satellite ya kuchunguza nyendo za kila mwanadamu then tungesema basi hakuna jema duniani.

Cha msingi kama meamua kuoa/kuolewa fanya hivyo na usimamie hilo usiwe kigeugeu kama kinyonga. Welcome and Big Up!!!!!
 


Keep it Baba Watatu!!!! Kuoa na kuolewa ni muhimu sana. Hebu fikiria unaingia chumbani kulala saa mbili hata kama una Tv chumbani unaangalia ujua hiyo ni attificial tu mkuu. Lakini ukiwa na wife pembeni mnachat hata mdomo unachangamka!!!!

Fahamuni kuwa ndoa siku zote si pipi, kuna wakati mna differ but mnasolve issues tu na mnasonga mbele. Msiogope vijana ingieni humo ndani.

Tahadhari:::::Ndoa inatengenezwa na kupambwa na roses na kila pande mke na mume!!! Kama hauko tayari kufanya hivyo acha kuoa/kuolewa utashindwa kwa kishindo kama Tarime.
 


Duaniani wawili wawili. GT Maisha ya upweke is not kind to the soul. Most marriages end up being a companionship/friendship. In your twilight years in you, in the sunset years you will need someone. So why not marry. Get a friend and spouse.

I guess you have never been alone for a long time, that is most probably why you do not appreciate ndoa.
Being alone, living alone and dying alone...is that what you want for yourself.
No one to talk to, even kubishana nae, I mean it is bleak, the way God created us humanbeings is unique, HE created us with an inherent need for companionship, friendship, love, understanding and procreation. It is deep inside you it just has not manifested it self. When it does you will look for some one to marry in a hurry!!

Give it a thought!! Prepare yourself mentally. Your mind might tell you that you do not need marriage and all it entails but you heart and soul speak their own language. Even in the animal Kingdom some animals mate for life.
 

Mkuu naomba kuongezea kwa kusema kuwa :Kwa wale ambao wanaona ndoa haina ulazima, kuna siku watauona tu na itakuwa already too late. Pamoja na machungu, karaha na makasheshe yake, binafsi naona kuwa ndoa bado ina nafasi yake katika maisha ya mwanadamu..vinginevyo hii institution ingeshakuwa abolished kama ilivyokuwa kwa institutions zingine ambazo kwa sasa hazipo tena.
 

The dynamics have changed as we live in a fast pace ever changing world. I know that almost 50% of marriages in this country are in divorce and in TZ would have bee worse due to historical and cultural norms(in short women dont have much rights when it comes to divorce).

I know people walk down the arranged marriage route starry eyed with the best of intentions, but let's face facts relationships change with time. People grow, people change, sometimes people go into marriages with their own agendas that the other spouse has no idea about until after the marriage vows take place.

How many people are stuck in marriages that are emotionally or phsyically abusive? How many people are stuck in marriages for the sake of their children? How many people are stuck in marriages because they lack the courage to make a life for themselves? How many people are stuck in marriages because leaving would be detrimental to them financially.

Society teaches us that there is going to that one relationship that is suppose to last a lifetime. Life teaches up that more often than not this is not the case...so lets cut this marriage is the route to happiness and be realistic: ITS NOT
 


GT,
All that you have said is true!! I'm not about to deny the obvious truth about marriages and how they fail, divorce cases-really high, no peserverence I mean the list of what afflicts marriages these days is is long (You can sense the but coming...) but it is still the best institution ever...cha muhimu is for both the parties to find a common ground. At least find a compatible spouse. The work has to be done before the marriage though.
In my humble opinion marriage is not for the faint hearted, wala its not for children here i mean immaturity... As much as early marriage like those of our parents were good...these days the best thing to do is to marry when one is ready mentally-unfortunetly this translates into the mid to late 30's-especially coz then one is better equiped to deal with the upheavals of a marriage.

I still believe that marriage is important. Do not discount it yet. Like i said earlier you are most probabaly not yet prepared.

A woman will always need to be needed, the inherent nature of nurture for women overides any fear of marriage.
Men have always been providers it is in them to protect and take care of their own. These natures of both men and women, lead them subliminally to each other.
Men need to be kings in their castles, the best way is to have their own homes where they rule...have an extension of themselve, read SON and a daughter to spoil and pamper. Extend their generations. It is also for a sense of belonging, most people within a society setting will try to adhere to their norms and beliefs.

In a nutshell what I'm saying is whether we like it OR not something in our psyche will lead us to marriage.

The unfortunate truth is that, i know more people who are separated/divorced than those who are happily married, but the few who are happily married are an inspiration.

In closing i want say that it is good to involve GOD 100% in this endeavour.

They always say "marry your friend" So GT start looking for friend that you can marry, that is if you are not already!!!
 
Marriage quotes
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"

15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created
woman............
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

16. Why do men die before their wives?...............
Because they want to
Binafsi nafikiri sababu za kufunga ndoa na tabia za watu wakiwa ndani ya ndoa ndio chanzo cha mafanikio au kuvunjika kwa ndoa. Ndoa nyingi za vijana huwa ni kutokana na sababu zifuatazo
1. Mimba isiyopangwa
2. Umri wa kuoa umefikwa
3. Nina kazi, pesa, uwezo sasa iliyobaki ni kuwa na mke/mume
4. Nitambulike katika jamii
5. Fulani ni mzuri wa sura, anavutia n.k.

Wengi hawafikirii kuwa katika ndoa kuna masuala ya msingi ya kupatana kabla ya kufunga hizi ndoa.

1. Matumizi ya fedha
2. Mtaishi wapi
3. Ndugu na marafiki
4. Maisha ya watoto- elimu, afya, mahitaji
5. Wasaidizi/wafanyakazi wa nyumbani

Wanaume mara nyingi hufikiria haya na ndio inayowaletea matatizo sana badaye;

1. mke ni mali yangu
2. mke lazima afuate kila nitakachosema/amua
3. Mimi ni mwenye maamuzi ya mwisho
4. Heshima ni lazima kwangu hata nikiwa nimekosea mimi
5. Ndugu yangu ni zaidi ya mke wangu

Wanawake mara nyingi na wao hukosea yafuatayo;

1. Ndugu yangu ana haki kuliko ndugu wa mume wangu
2. Ndugu wa mume wangu ni wabaya wangu hata iweje
3. Fedha ya mume ni yangu ila ya kwangu ni yangu
4. Lazima nisikilizwe mimi

Mara zote matatizo yanatokana na utofauti wa ideals kati yetu. Wanaume wengi wanaoa kwa kutumia rules za utamaduni ambao mara nyingi hutumika kukandimiza wanawake na kumuona hasitahili. Wanawake na wao wameamka nakujua haki zao.

Cha muhimu ni kuhakikisha tunaelimishana mapema kabla ya kuingia katika hizi ndoa maana majukumu yanaongezeka kadri ya siku. Kutazama mlipotoka ni muhimu sana ili mjue kubadilika kwa nyakati. Hakuna ndoa inayo pay-off kama ndoa ambayo mwananume atampenda mkewe na mwanamke atamheshimu mumewe. Ila kumbuka ili kupata vyote hivyo lazima mchangie yawezekane msitegemee yatatokea tu. Marriage is a full time job.

Nafikiria ndoa nyingi hazidumu due to the fact that people take a short time to know each other well enough, and most men these days look at outside beauty and not the inside beauty, this then brings competition as one opts to marry somegirl more beautiful than his brothers, relative or even a friends ... external influence also sets in ... family and friends with a lot of pushing ... mwanamke atalalamika mpaka ... some even seek traditional doctors help to achieve this .... eventually you get married ... kila kitu perfect at the beginning ... everyone of you willing to go extra mile ... unajua tena ... mara tiiiiiii you cannot pretend anymore .... bse you eventually find out you did not love him in the first place and you cannot take it anymore ...

Jambo muhimu sana nafikiria ... ni nyote kuwa tayari bila hiyari kuoana .... halafu i advocate pia kwa kuchunguzana kwanza even approach ya kuwa wapenzi ... 1 would also urge men not to look at outside beauty ... uzuri wa ndani ni tulivu na tamu kuliko wanavyofikiria ... dont mind mtu akikuambia mume wako au mkeo anasura mbaya ... kwani unajuwa kabisa kwamba roho kama yake kamwe hatoipata
 
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Nikisoma maoni ya wachangiaji naona kuna masuala kadha yanajitokeza:

(a) Je ndoa ni nini?
(b) Je ni lazima mtu kuwa na uhusiano wa kimapenzi na mtu mwingine?
(c) Je ni lazima kuwepo kwa mkataba baina ya wapendanao?
(d) Je ndoa inaweza kuvunjika? kupoteza uhalali?

For all intent and purpose ndoa ni mkataba kati ya watu wawili wenye mahusiano au nia ya kuhusiana kimapenzi na kuishi kama mke na mume. Mkataba kazi yake ni ku-spell out rights and obligations for each party.

Si lazima kuwa na mahusiano ya kimapenzi na mtu mwingine. Lakini kama unapenda kuwa na mahusiano nadhani ni ustaarabu zaidi kuoa ili katika uhusiano huo wa kimapenzi kila muhusika ajue haki na wajibu wake. Huwezi kumshitaki mtu 'akikuibia' girlfriend wako lakini 'akikuibia' mke waweza kumshtaki huyo mwizi pamaja na mkeo. Kuna mambo mengi tu ambayo yatakwenda mrama kama hamna ndoa.

Kisheria na hata kwa uzoefu, ndoa inaweza kuvunjika, kuvunjwa ama kupoteza uhalali wake kama ilivyo mikataba mingine. Hata hivyo nadhani kuna sababu za msingi ambazo zinaweza kuhalalisha ndoa kuvunjika. Kwa mfano kama wanandoa wenyewe (ama mmoja wao) hawataki kuendelea kuhusiana kimapenzi, sioni ni kwa nini ndoa hiyo isivunjike.

Najua kuna watu watasema Mungu amekataza. Lakini je ni mambo mangapi Mungu amekataza na bado tunayafanya? Je kama kuendelea kuwepo kwenye ndoa kunakufanya uendelee kutenda dhambi nyingine nyingi zaidi? Ndoa ambayo mume hampendi tena mkewe, na mke hamuheshimu tena mumewe, kwa maoni yangu inapoteza uhalali wa kuwepo kwake.Nadhani watu wengi wamekuwa wanafiki kwenye hili kwa kudhani kuwa watakwenda peponi kwa kung'ang'ania kwenye ndoa (ati Mungu amekataza kuachana) wakati wan madhambi mengine lukuki!
 
Marandu said:
Kama kweli mtu ni mzima na hauna matatizo yoyote kuoa ni lazima hata dini na mila zinatambua hilo! Tusitake sometimes kupotoshana!
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Mkuu Marandu,

Heshima mbele;

Dini gani inatambua kuwa KUOA NI LAZIMA?
 
Sawa Game theory.Sijui una imani gani ya dini.Kama huna imani ya dini, sidhani kama kuna haja ya kukushauri.Kwa sababu watu kama hao wao hufanya lille waonalo linafaa,hawa huwa hawaongozwi na sheria yeyote.Kwa hiyo kama huna imani yeyote fanya linalopendeza moyo wako.Kama una imani ya dini,hasa kama ni Mkristo, nitakushauri kama ifuatavyo:Amri ya Mungu ni kwamba "tuzae tuijaze dunia!"Kwa hiyo ni wazi kwamba Mungu anapendezwa na sisi kuzaa na kuijaza dunia.Sasa usipo oa,huwezi kuijaza dunia,kwa hiyo unakwenda kinyume na mapenzi yake.Maana ya maneno hayo ni kwamba Mungu anapendezwa na wewe kuoa,kwa hiyo usipo oa au kuolewa kwa makusudi,hapendezwi na wewe.Napenda nisisitize hapa kwamba aliposema 'tuzae tuijaze nchi', alimaanisha uzao unaopatikana katika mpango wa Mungu tu, sio vingi nevyo.

Kuhusu ndoa kutofanikiwa,napenda kusisitiza jambo moja,ndoa hazifanikiwi kwa vile zinakuwa hazipo katika mpango wa Mungu.Kama mmeokotana okotana tu kwenye mabaa na sehemu mbalimbali za starehe bila kumshirikisha Mungu,sahau ndoa kufanikiwa.Kumbuka kwamba familia ni mpango wa Mungu mwenyewe,kwa hiyo ni lazima ashirikishwe katika hatua zote za kuijenga.Mawazo yale ya kishetani na ya kishenzi kabisa ambayo wenzetu wa nchi za magharibi wameya-endorse kwa nia ya kuhalalisha uzinifu, kwamba ni lazima kuishi na unayetarajia kumuoa kwanza ili ufahamu tabia yake hayatufai kabisa.Kwanza hawajafaidika hata kidogo na hatua hiyo, kwa vile ndoa zao ndio zinazidi kuvunjika.


 
Ndoa ni muhimu lakini si lazima,ingawa anaeoa ana faida nyingi kuliko asiyeoa.Hata hivyo wanandoa siku hizi wako hatarini kwa magonjwa kutokana na uaminifu kupungua miongoni mwao.
 
Nafikiri huko tunapoenda ndoa itakuwa sio lazima tena kutokana na kadhia ambazo watu wengi haswa wavulana wanazozipata wanapoingizwa katika mitego hiyo ya ndoa kwangu naona ndoa si lazima labda kama una jambo lako mumhimu unataka kufanya ambalo ni lazima uoe kama ni ishu ya mtoto aaah kuna wadada sikuhizi unaweza kumlipa tu akakubebea mimba na mtoto wako anakuwa unachukuwa hakuna shida
 
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