Can Men and Women Be Friends?

Bonnie1974 · Sep 17, 2008

Can Men and Women Be Friends?
Can men and women be "just friends," or is sexual attraction between the sexes always inevitable? According to Rabbi Shmuley's book, men and women can be friends with members of the opposite sex, as long as they follow certain rules. He talks about platonic friendship between the sexes and shares his ground rules for opposite-sex friendships outside of marriage.

If a person isn't married, Rabbi Shmuley says it's perfectly all right to have friends who are members of the opposite sex. Society has moved away from polarizing the sexes, and today, men and women work together, go to school together and should be able to be friends, he says.

Things are different if you are married, Rabbi Shmuley says. It is possible to have an opposite sex friendship, but you cannot compromise certain borders:
• You can't go out to late night dinners together. You can have lunch together in a public place, but you should not order alcoholic beverages. "The embers of attraction really can grow in situations like that, and suddenly it's not so innocent, it's not just friendship anymore," Rabbi Shmuley says.
• You can't take long drives or long flights with the other person, even if it's for work. "Even if you have to work with a colleague [of the opposite sex], there are still certain boundaries you need to preserve," he says.
• You cannot place yourself in any situation where romance can grow. "Romance grows when people are alone; romance grows when people tell secrets," Rabbi Shmuley says.
• You can't share secrets with a platonic male or female friend that you don't share with your spouse. "Because then you're sharing an exclusivity with a member of the opposite sex that you're not with your partner, and that can lead to a big no-no," he says.
• You should not be friends with ex-lovers.

WomanOfSubstance · Sep 17, 2008

tgeofrey said:
no they can not womens are golddigers wachunyaji. man are innocent need real love they cant find. katika dunia hii

You are missing the point here!!
Its not about uchunaji or being innocent - its all about forces of nature - the natural attraction to the opposite sex given conducive environment.
put men and women together - after sometime they will start pairing up....thats what the rabbi says.Tupeni mifano to prove him wrong.

NaimaOmari · Sep 17, 2008

Yes two people of opposite sex can have a relationship based on friendship ... i am one , i have a number of boyfriends other than girlfriends ever since i was a kid am close to boys .. my best friend to date is a man, the most we can do is hug .. maybe under the influence of alcahol one can break this ... which is not the case with me coz i have never tasted booze in my life so my mind is always clear

Believe me this is possible unless someone has different intentions ... kama yours is clear then you can break this code .. lakini in my instance i usually put the sisterly brotherly situation first and ths can never be broken ... i make the other understand kwamba its just friendship .. i get closer to the wife or even girlfriends and he to my husband in order to rule out any suspision from the other party and believe me it works, trust me women are not of the best company there are so many mishaps with them

Son of Alaska · Sep 17, 2008

NAIMAOMARI,what you are saying,is too good to be true

BiMkubwa · Sep 17, 2008

womenofsubstanc said:
You are missing the point here!!
Its not about uchunaji or being innocent - its all about forces of nature - the natural attraction to the opposite sex given conducive environment.
put men and women together - after sometime they will start pairing up....thats what the rabbi says.Tupeni mifano to prove him wrong.

Hear! Hear! this guy/girl always misses the point of a lot of stuff.

BiMkubwa · Sep 17, 2008

son of alaska said:
NAIMAOMARI,what you are saying,is too good to be true

Yes, what Naima says is exactly true............ I have platonic male friends as well and it has always been that way. The golden rule is to make sure if you are in a relationship with someone else, that each side understands what is going on and is able to accept that relationship. It is also a good idea that they also are friends of your spouse, it works out well for me.

Son of Alaska · Sep 17, 2008

bimkubwa,in most instances,when ur husband gives you a free reign on these matters,trust me,talking as a man,then bear in mind, he is a PLAYER,urafiki wako na watu is the perfect smokescreen for him to venture on diffrent pastures

Nyaralego · Sep 17, 2008

naimaomari said:
Yes two people of opposite sex can have a relationship based on friendship ... i am one , i have a number of boyfriends other than girlfriends ever since i was a kid am close to boys .. my best friend to date is a man, the most we can do is hug .. maybe under the influence of alcahol one can break this ... which is not the case with me coz i have never tasted booze in my life so my mind is always clear

Believe me this is possible unless someone has different intentions ... kama yours is clear then you can break this code .. lakini in my instance i usually put the sisterly brotherly situation first and ths can never be broken ... i make the other understand kwamba its just friendship .. i get closer to the wife or even girlfriends and he to my husband in order to rule out any suspision from the other party and believe me it works, trust me women are not of the best company there are so many mishaps with them

I agree with you NaimaOmari, especially about friendship among women...It is full of mishaps as you say. Maara kuna wivu, udaku, yaani nime amua yakwamba if you really want a good friend at least awe opposite sex. There won't be any competition, jealousy, covetiousness, backstabbing i have a least of sins women commit against each other...These days I'm just weary.
Male friends are better they always give you insight on how to deal with the male population and give their honest opinion. Lakini both parties have to agree that it is only a platonic relationship. Both parties must want just a platonic friendship. If at all one has a different intention it will be clear from the get go.
In short i believe that men and women can be true firends, without involving Romance, Sex and kadhalika...It requires mental maturity though. I have a couple of guy friends who's opinions i value. They do not pretend wata kupa ushauri wazi wazi...no mind games.

Buswelu · Sep 18, 2008

Naimaomary kuna ukweli ndani ya sentensi zako...wanawake wengi walio na marafiki wa kiumbe..ndio mara kwa mara wenye mafanikio...kuliko wanaweke wenzao..

Sijui kwanini ila kwa sababu zako za mishapss...inawezekana ikawa ni kweli .......ndio maana hata wanawake wengi kukaa nyumba moja hasa kama si ndugu hawa last longer....u will find them apart....ile uvumilivu kwa kupanda na kushuka hawana.

Malila · Sep 18, 2008

Urafiki na mwanamke anayemaanisha ktk mipango yake unalipa sana.Ila walio wengi wanajenga woga (inawezekana wawili hawa wawe marafiki bila.......) wa bure.

Che Kalizozele · Sep 18, 2008

Nyie semeni yote but the said borders should never be crossed.Na kuna haja ya pande zote mbili kuwa makini.Binafsi nina marafiki wengi sana wa kike because I know they sometimes needs my attention especially to their problems,to be honest inahitaji umakini wa hali ya juu sana.Ila nilichogundua kuwa na marafiki wa jinsia nyingine inakuwa rahisi zaidi kuhandle ukiwa tayari ndani ya ndoa hasa kama kila mtu anakujua wewe ni mtu wa aina gani na misimamo yako hasa katika masuala ya kiimni.

Binti wa Kinyak · Sep 18, 2008

Yes wanaweza kuwa marafiki wa kawaida tu. kwa mfano mimi rafiki zangu wengi ni wavulana na nipo happy nao sana kwani hawana majungu zaidi ya kunishauri vitu vya maana.

Bonnie1974 · Sep 18, 2008

If a person isn't married, it's perfectly all right to have friends who are members of the opposite sex.Hilo litavumilika kwenye jamii.Including ndugu zako na marafiki n.k

If you are married, and you say It is possible to have an opposite sex friendship, swali je, jamii yetu italipokea vipi suala hilo.
WHAT ABOUT PARTNER WAKO,WAZAZI WAKO,NDUGU ZAKO,RAFIKI ZAKO?
Imagine unamtambulisha huyo rafiki yako mbele ya baba au mama yako au mume/mke wako..HUYU NI RAFIKI YANGU.
....MHH...IT DOES NOT SOUND OKAY AS FAR AS OUR JAMMI CONCERNED.
TUWE WAKWELI.
Unaweza kuopt kutomtambulisha kwa jinsi hiyo,lakini once you do that WATU WATASEMA
DUH...MSHIKAJI ANAKANDAMIZA ...

NaimaOmari · Sep 18, 2008

kila siku ukifuata mentality na matakwa ya watu wengine hutofanya kile kitu ukipendacho wewe, ukiwa mdogo uko chini ya wazazi they choose everything you have to do, then waalimu then husband/ wife .. a a a .... i need to do what my heart wants too .. yu will always live for other people ... utaishi kwa woga kwa kujificha na hata kupoteza furaha maishani kwa kuwaza fulani atanifikiriaje ... mimi as long as i know sifanyi dhambi na am at par with God ... Wallahi i dont mind waseme tu.

ila kwangu this is not a problem in my family as our parents know that this habbit is part of us ... these boys in turn are recognized kama wanafamilia .. when we were teenagers the whole house would be filled with boys ... our husbands are forced to accept our clicks bse they found us with them .. during our wedding they are part and parcel of all the arrangements ... wanamuunga mkono shemeji yao .. sasa iweje amkatae ... tena its not the old school staff alone hata hivi na mvi zangu .. when i choose to introduce a new friend i do it without tatizo lolote.

i agree though kwamba mentality ya watu wengi ni kwamba 2 people of opposite sex cant be close unless kuna something fishy ... but what will you ever do wasiseme good or bad watasema tu ... as long as my conscious is clear ... sijali i leave them time to investigate and suit themselves kwani i cant furahisha everyone in this world

Bonnie1974 · Sep 18, 2008

naimaomari said:
kila siku ukifuata mentality na matakwa ya watu wengine hutofanya kile kitu ukipendacho wewe, ukiwa mdogo uko chini ya wazazi they choose everything you have to do, then waalimu then husband/ wife .. a a a .... i need to do what my heart wants too .. yu will always live for other people ... utaishi kwa woga kwa kujificha na hata kupoteza furaha maishani kwa kuwaza fulani atanifikiriaje ... mimi as long as i know sifanyi dhambi na am at par with God ... Wallahi i dont mind waseme tu.

ila kwangu this is not a problem in my family as our parents know that this habbit is part of us ... these boys in turn are recognized kama wanafamilia .. when we were teenagers the whole house would be filled with boys ... our husbands are forced to accept our clicks bse they found us with them .. during our wedding they are part and parcel of all the arrangements ... wanamuunga mkono shemeji yao .. sasa iweje amkatae ... tena its not the old school staff alone hata hivi na mvi zangu .. when i choose to introduce a new friend i do it without tatizo lolote.

i agree though kwamba mentality ya watu wengi ni kwamba 2 people of opposite sex cant be close unless kuna something fishy ... but what will you ever do wasiseme good or bad watasema tu ... as long as my conscious is clear ... sijali i leave them time to investigate and suit themselves kwani i cant furahisha everyone in this world

Sisi ni kapart kadogo kanakotengeneza system ambayo unaweza kuita famila yako,ukoo wako or jumuiya ya pale unapoishi n.k n.k.
Wasemayo watu hao kama sehemu kubwa ya hiyo system,yanauwezo mkubwa wa kuadhiri output.Vinginevyo you as a part 2 that system, you won't be compatible.
Output zake ni kama vile:...Mtoto huyu anatudhalilisha....,....mke huyu hakufai.....mume wa fulani hajatulia..... n.k n.k
TUNAISHI KWA KUTEGEMEANA,KAMA KAJISEHEMU KAMFUMO.

Mbu · Sep 18, 2008

• You can't go out to late night dinners together. You can have lunch together in a public place, but you should not order alcoholic beverages. "The embers of attraction really can grow in situations like that, and suddenly it's not so innocent, it's not just friendship anymore," Rabbi Shmuley says.
• You can't take long drives or long flights with the other person, even if it's for work. "Even if you have to work with a colleague [of the opposite sex], there are still certain boundaries you need to preserve," he says.
• You cannot place yourself in any situation where romance can grow. "Romance grows when people are alone; romance grows when people tell secrets," Rabbi Shmuley says.
• You can't share secrets with a platonic male or female friend that you don't share with your spouse. "Because then you're sharing an exclusivity with a member of the opposite sex that you're not with your partner, and that can lead to a big no-no," he says.

...Ofcourse you can be friends!, it's all about your intensions, unless your mind is corrupted with ~'malicious encrypted trojan file'~ a.k.a ngono 1st!

• You should not be friends with ex-lovers.

...now you are talking!, ...'zilipendwa' hukumbusha, matokeo yake BCB, a.k.a 'baby-come-back', coz you two were related before, and each of you knows which buttons to touch, 'to make the engine running again!'

Nzokanhyilu · Sep 18, 2008

Yes, it is possible.

I have 2 very close female friends (and a few good friends), na mambo ya sexual hayapo kabisa. Its above that. Once you rise above that, the friendship is sweet. You have very healthy discussions. It also becomes very easy to advice a woman on her movements in regards to her relationships, and as a man you learn a lot too from your female friends (wanakupatia loopholes za weakness zako ambazo mwanamke mwingine anaweza ku-take advantage. You do the same for them).

If you are in a relatioship, make sure you tell your partner about your 'friend', and assure them the friend is not 'break glass in case of emergency'. Also communicate at reasonable times. Friends wengine wachokozi wanataka wakutumie txt saa nane usiku. Sasa, backing out of that one is difficult, even if its a joke.

But yes, its very possible.

Triplets · Sep 18, 2008

baada ya kusoma post zote kuna point moja ambayo imenigusa, ukipata mtu ambaye ni pontential friend wa opposite sex, mu itroduce kwa spouse wako (kama ni ndoa ambayo mnaongelea yanayotokea, mnaokutana nao in day to day life atakuwa kashajua nini kinachoendelea)

kama huyo rafiki na mumeo/mkeo hawapikiki chungu kimoja, forget about the so called friend

Mie nilikuwa na marafiki opposite sex kabla ya ndoa japo best friend alikuwa female, nilipoolewa tu wengi wao waka dissapear au urafiki ukashuka hadi kwenye acquaintance level, I just don't feel comfortable any more to share some personal issues with them, our convesation is now limited to business stuff and less private issues.

I think in this issue people's personalities matters too

BadoNipo · Sep 19, 2008

mambo jambo kulikoni kurudia thread ambayo tayari kuna mtu ( Bonnie1974) aliianzisha toka 17th September. kuwa makini.

First Born · Oct 9, 2014

topic za enzi hizo..

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

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