Kimekuja na meli.
Tuheshimiane!
Asubuhi na mapema, hata hali-mseto haijatokea, simu mkononi kumpigia asiyempigia tangu kuzaliwa.
Namba kaipata wapi, ngumu kusema kwa mtu mwenye nia na jambo fulani.
Tuuuuuuuuuup!
Mwito wa kwanza, hola!
Wa pili, holaaaa!
Hatimaye ikapokelewa!
"Hello, Zari!"
"Hello back! Who am I talking to?" Zari alisema. Akaweka kituo kidogo.
"Um, Mobetto!"
"Mobetto nd'o mbwa gani?" Zari alisema kwa hasira. Mobetto hakujibu kitu. Akatulia kwa nukta kadhaa, halafu akasema.
"Mbwa tena? Please behave yourself," alisema kwa msititizo.
"Don't tell me what to do—unataka nini?" Zari alisema kwa hasira kwa mara ya pili. Mobetto akahisi upepo huu umemjia vibaya. Akajiwazia huenda hakufanya uamuzi mzuri kumpigia Zari moja kwa moja bila kupitia pengine kwa mtu wa karibu yake. Ni nani? Hakusita.
"Da' Zari, hata kujiuliza hutaki? Hivi huwazi tu nimepata wapi hizi guts za kukupigia simu? Nina jambo kubwa mwenzangu ninataka kulifanya na wewe!" Mobetto alisema na kutulia kwanza.
Zari akashusha pumzi kiasi tu, ili amsikilize maneno ya Mobetto.
"Sema upesi, I have a lot of things to do. Sina muda wa kucheza kama TZ mnavyofanya gossping around like a homeless dogs." Mobetto hakumhara.
"Sawa, nitasema," akatulia kidogo. Akasema.
"Have you seen the video?" Mobetto aliuliza.
"What video?"
"The video, that currently trending all over East Africa!"
"Please be specific, unapoteza muda wangu wewe ujue," Zari alikekereka na mafumbo ya Mobetto.
"Gere by Diamond and Tanasha," hatimaye Mobetto akasema jambo lenyewe.
"Imefanyaje sasa?" Zari aliuliza kwa hasira.
"Imefanyaje? We' vipi, huoni majigambo yale na mbwembwe mbaka tumeonekana mapimbi tulopita," Mobetto alisema.
"Bado sijaelewa video inahusikaje na maisha yangu. Skia binti, I've got a lot of works here with me, can't have this kind of conversation at this moment. Please, I have a very productive work now. PLEASE!" Zarina aliunguruma.
Mobetto akatulia. "Sawa," aliitikia kiunyonge kisha simu ikakatwa upande wa pili na Zari. "Mwanamke fala huyu, hata hajanisikia ninataka kusema nini—ye' kakimbilia kujifanya yuko bize," aliendelea kujisemsha Mobetto.
Punde, simu ikawa inaita tena. Kioo kimepambwa na namba za Zari. Mobetto akaporomosha mitusi ya nguoni.
"Hay, kiko wapi? Kujimwambafai wakati ana jipu la koo. Atakohoa damu! Shenzi!" Alisema kwa hasira Mobeto.
Akaipokea.
"Hello, Da' Zari," Mobetto aliitikia simu.
"Um, sorry, I had a very rough morning, so—nikajikuta nasema ambayo wasofaa kwako. PLEASE forgive me," Zari alisema. Akatulia kidogo. Mobetto akameza funda la mate.
"Sawa tu. Hakuna shida. Nakusikiliza," Mbotto alijibu. Zari akapitisha nukta chache za ukimya.
"Okay, now, tell me about the song. And why you think I have a right to know about the song?" Zari alisema akatulia kumpisha Mobetto.
"Madam, mi' n'na bomu kitambo, lakini sikutaka kulimwaga. Ila sasa baada ya wimbo huu, nafikiri huu ni wakati mwafaka," alisema Mobetto.
"Bomu?" Zari aliuliza.
"Ndiyo, nina bomu!"
"Linamhusu nani?"
"Nani tena mwingine?"
"Ebu wacha utoto wako wa puzzle, sema linamuhusu nani?"
"Baba Tiffah!"
"He is not my problem anymore!"
"I know, Zari, he is not, but this has to be done to stop this stupid show-off of hers," Mobetto alisema.
"Unayaweza we mwanamke" Zaria alisema.
"Si hivyo, Madam Zari," Mobetto alijibu.
"And I don't even know why I'm talking to you. You are the reason why I'm here now. Shenzi kabisa," Zari alianza tena kiswaswadu. Mobetto akatulia tuli kama maji ya mtungini.
"Zari, Zarina, mama, calm down. We need to settle our difference and join the force to hit that Kenyan bitch so freaking hard," Mobetto alisema.
"Lakini nilishasema Mondi is not my problem anymore. Why are you insisting this?" Zarina alisikitika.
"Nooo, Zari, ni kuhusu kale kademu. Kanaringa sana," Mobetto aliongeza.
"Sawa, what are you proposing?" Hatimaye Zarina akaingia miwaya ya Mobetto.
Wakaongea yao mipango mingi wakaacha siku zipite.
Tangu mazungumzo yao yachukuwe nafasi, haikufika hata wiki, Tanasha na Mondi chaliii! Tarehe tatu Machi, 2020—Gazeti la Mwananchi likatoa ripoti kuhusu uwezekano wa Tanasha na Mondi kuwa njiapanda.
Visonoko wakakutana tena katika mawasiliano ya taswira mjongeo kwa njia ya WhatsApp.
"Hi, Bae Zarina Hassan, how are you?" Mobetto alimsalimu Zari. Zari akatoa cheko kama lote. Jinsi alivyo na mdomo ule ka' chuchunge vuta picha kabandika na cheko la kipashkuna.
"Baby, you look wow! Wacha tu niseme, we' ni kiboko wa kugombanisha!" Zari alisema. Mobetto akacheka kama mazuri vile.
"Hapana, ukimchukua bwana wa mwenzako usiongee sana, maana unaweza kutokewa na mambo ya akina Muddy na kundi lake, ha ha ha ha," alisema Mobetto huku akisindikizawa na cheko balaa.
Wakagongesheana chiazi, kisha wote wakapiga funda moja la kinywaji walivyokuwa wakinywa.
"Kwani ulipata wapi hizi data?" Zari aliuliza.
"Mjini hapa, Zari, kila kitu kipo wazi, wewe tu kujua wapi pa kuazia!"
"Mmmh, mwenzangu. Sasa kile kibibi cha Kenya mdomo utazidi kurefuka kama lile dude la tembo la mbele sijui ndo mdomo au tarumbeta, hahahaha" Zarina alisema kwa cheko kubwa.
"Uwiii! Sasa tumeongeza orodha ya wajane wa Diamond wenye mitoto," Mobetto alisema.
"Mwenzangu! Diamond ni kama Diamond tu, kila nchi ipo... Akisema nakupenda, jua tu anapenda wengi usitake awe wako peke yako," Zarina alisema.
"Kweli kabisa," Mobetto alijibu.
"Mi' hayo yalinishinda kwa kweli. Mtu anabandua kila kona, hapana. Sitaki. Bora nisiwe na mtu maarufu. Hiyo ni headache. Imagine I have got a lot stuff to run, halafu ni-run na uchafu wa Diamond, no fucking way!" Zarina alihitimisha.
"Ni kweli... lakini pongezi kwetu. Huyo ndugu yako wa Kenya aliyemtumia picha za Diamond akiwa Arabuni aliua. Naona kadadaa kasahau kabisa kama katoa wimbo una siku 12 tu, mahusiano bye-bye," alisema Mobetto.
"Yeah," Zari alijibu.
"Alizipata wapi namba za Tanasha?"
"We' ulizipata wapi namba zangu?"
"Basi Mama Tiffah yaishe. Madhali letu limetimia, sasa tutakula na kunywa kwa furaha. Maana si kwa kashda za Diamond na Tanasha. Ukipita huku, Tanashaa, ukienda kule Tanasha, ukienda chooni Tanasha. Heee! Jamani. Akapumzikege huko. Kwenda mwanakwenda!" Alimaliza Mobetto.
"Yaani, nyie Watanzania Waswahili sana. Naskia unawiva balaa na familia ya Baba Tiffah. Sisi wakujitia Kizungu kwa Bi Sanura katusanua!" Zarina alisema.
"Mmmh, Zari unajua hadi kusanua?"
"Sasa je, Baba Tiffah alikuwa ananifundisha kihuni tu, mwanzo mwisho.. Huoni nimejua Kiswahili vizuri, ni kwasababu yake.."
"Kumbe!"
"Ndiyo!"
"Basi shoga tukutane Afrika Kusini. Nitakuja kukuona na wanao."
"We! We! Uishia hapohapo! Sikutaki huku kwangu. Koma kabisa," Zarina alisema kisha akakata simu.
"What a bitch?" Alisema Mobetto kwa hasira.
"Potelea mbali. Nililolitaka lishatimia. Hilo la kuja huko Dizonga ilikuwa zuga tu."
Alijisema nafsini Mobetto.
Akainua tena simu na kumpigia Esma Platnumz.
"Shooosti!" Mobetto alisema.
"My wiiiii!" Esma alijibu.
MWISHO!
#SamahaniLakini
