Why some regret dumping their lovers Saturday, 29 January 2011 10:39 Erick Mchome THE CITIZEN Grace and Daniel have been dating for more than five years. The two first met at a friends party in Dar es Salaam. At that time, Daniel was a Third Year student at the University of Dar es Salaam, while Grace was waiting to join university. Their courtship stood the test of time. Their five-year period of joy and challenges could have provided enough experiences to write a book on. They remained steady and became even stronger in their relationship. However, a year ago, Grace got a scholarship to study accountancy in India, leaving Daniel behind. Since her departure, the scenario has changed, with communication between them becoming strained. And the shocker came, when Grace finally dropped the bombshell. She informed Daniel that it was all over between them, as she had hooked up with another man. Daniel begged Grace not to so badly end what they had built for years, but all his pleas fell on deaf ears. Grace was adamant, saying she was no longer happy around Daniel, whom she now believed was not the man for her. However, last Christmas, Grace was back in Dar es Salaam after completing her course in New Delhi. She looked for Daniel to tell him that she needed him back and that life had lost meaning without him. Grace revealed that the few months she had spent with her new catch had never been easy, as things did not turn out the way she expected and that she had realised that the only man she could be happy with was Daniel. This has become a normal trend in many of todays relationships. Some realise that whenever they find a new lover things become even worse than they were in their previous liaisons. So, this raises the question: Is it true that the grass always looks greener on the other side? It always looks better. Not just the grass, also the neighbours wife, your sisters boyfriend, your friends sports car, your bosss apartment, your colleagues job and anything else can you can think of. Rose Marick, 28, a personal secretary with a mining company in Arusha, has always considered herself rather unlucky. Since she started dating Mike Kasumba, whom she met two years ago in Kampala, while attending a workshop, Rose has been very lonely. Mike is too busy. I cant even have him by myself. He is caring, but seeing him only once a week does not please me. I do not see any future for us, says Rose. Rose admits having left her first boyfriend just because he wasnt financially sound to pay for her daily needs. She wanted to be showered with gifts and sometimes even assisted financially, but since the guy could not afford this, she quickly dumped him. I really regret my decision. I wish I could have him back. Now, I have come to learn that love is not all about material things. I miss the days I spent with him, says Rose. Women are not the only ones regretting making such wrong decisions; even men find themselves in a dilemma on realising that what they left behind was more precious than what they had ran for. Tall, black and slim, Lennyster Byamangwa, 24, is said to be the hottest chick at a missionary college in Mwanza. She comes from a well-to-do family. Her wardrobe is full of expensive designer clothes and accessories. In short, she is every mans dream girl. A few months ago, she unleashed a big scandal on campus by luring Fred Luwila, a city businessman, who, for no convincing reason, dumped his long time girlfriend for her. Fred was made to believe that Lennyster offered a better bargain than his former girlfriend, but today, he does not want to hear anything about her. She only has the external glamour, but she is not a woman to marry. She is the dirtiest woman I have ever dated, says Fred. Fred says his month-long stay with Lennyster at his house was hell. According to him, the beautiful girl that drives every man crazy is not even capable of making her bed let alone do other domestic chores that every woman is supposed to do. I thought I got a queen but I was wrong. My former girlfriend was a 100 times better than her. I wish I had never met this woman in the first place, says Fred. Fred had ditched his girlfriend, thinking Lennyster would make a good wife. He was impressed by Lennysters status at college and compared her with his former girlfriend, who was just an ordinary girl from a middle class family. It is believed that in relationships, many couples get so used to each other that they eventually get bored. When that time comes, everyone starts to think of his or her partners negative aspects and soon find themselves going their separate ways. According to Yvonne Mlay, is a mother of two, and a resident of Sinza, Dar es Salaam, every relationship has its storms. Patience and understanding are very fundamental in keeping a relationship steady, she advises. It is true that sometimes you may think that the man you married is no longer good and wish to change, but believe me, if you are not careful, you will be changing partners every month, says Yvonne, who has been married for 10 years. According to Yvonne, couples lack patience and this forces them to cheat, as they think that there is something more promising out of wedlock. Yvonnes view is supported by Priscus Mutahabwa, a social psychologist in Dar es Salaam, who says that many people find themselves in such situations because it is human nature not to appreciate what one has. The problem starts when one craves for something one doesnt have. And most people value what they want more than what they have. The only way out is to keep wanting what you have, and this will not get you bored, Mutahabwa advises. It doesnt matter what skin colour your partner has. What really matters is that he or she does look good in your eyes, he says. Mutahabwa, who has been counselling couples for years, says they need to work on their differences so as to stick to one another instead of separating. Many people, she adds, have found themselves losing their best halves and end up living empty lives for failing to fully appreciate each other. It is better to think about the real reasons for your dreams and desires and work hard to achieve them in your current relationship, she concludes.