Vituko mitandaoni. Tupia chako

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Kila mtu na malengo yakeView attachment 2367546

Uwekezaji Vs Utumbuaji

 

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Mume na mke..​

Mke: mume wangu leo tubadili stail kwani nimechoka kla siku hiyo hiyo moja tu
Mme: kweli mke wangu, hata mimi nilikuwa nataka nikuambie hivyo hivyo

Mke: sasa stail ya leo wewe utaosha vyombo mimi nitaangalia tv
Mme: oohoo.. duuh! Kumbe huna haya hata kidogo, ebooo…!!!

We unadhani ni stail gani mume alitarajia?!

 

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Majambazi..​

Majambaz waliliteka basi moja lililokua limesheheni abiria.
Baada ya abiria kusachiwa na majambaz hao na kukutwa hawana pesa, majambaz wakasema kila mmoja atapigwa bakora kulingana na namba ya shati alilovaa.

Aliyekuwa hana namba alisalimika..

Kazi ikaanza, jamaa aliyevaa jezi ya ROONEY wa Man U akapigwa fimbo 10, mwengine aliyevaa nguo ya 50cent akapigwa 50, n.k..

Sasa kwa pembeni kulikuwa na jamaa analia sana yaani kila akijiangalia, kumbe alikuwa amevaa fulana limeandikwa LOWASA 2015🙄 duuuh!

Unajua kilichomtokea?!!!
Ngoja niweke simu chaji kwanza😁

 

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Breaking News: WAZIRI anaswa makofi..​

Mkazi wa Mbagala Kibondemaji, Waziri Gudumo Hanzuruni (21) amejikuta akinaswa makofi baada ya kupishana kauli na mwenyekiti wa Vikoba😁​

 

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Bibi na babu..​

Bibi na Babu walisafiri mbali wakielekea kwa mtoto wao ambae hawajamuona siku nyingi.

Walipofika njiani wakawa wamechoka Sanaa. Wakaamua kutafuta hotel ili walale.

Wakakubaliana walale kwa masaa 4. Wakalala,

Walipoamka, mfanyakazi wa Hotel akawatoza Tsh. 500,000/=

Wale wazee wakashangaa hata kama ni hotel ya kisasa lakini sio laki 5 kwa masaa 4.

Babu akagoma kulipa akasema aitiwe meneja.

Meneja akaja kuwasikiliza

Babu: ” Kwanini bili ni kubwa hivi hata kama ni hotel ya kisasa?”

Manager;“kuna maswiming puli, ya kisasa sana hapa “

Babu; “Lakini hatukuyatumia”

Manager; “Ah ah ah... Lakini mngeweza kutumia kama mngetaka”

Babu: “Hata hivo bado haistahili kuwa laki 5”

Meneja: “Pia Kuna waimbaji kutoka Sauzi, Uganda , Rwanda, Congo, nk."

Babu: “Lakini sisi hatukuwasikiliza”

Meneja: “Ndiyooo, ni kweli.... Lakini mngeweza kama mngetaka”

Babu; aka give up na kumwambia mkewe aandike cheki uwape,,

Bibi akaandika akampa meneja.

Meneja anaangalia anaona sh. 50,000

Akashangaa na kusema. “VP mbona hamsini'”

Bibi akajibu “450,000 ya kulala na mimi”

Meneja akajibu; “Ebooo! Duh, Lakini sijalala na wewe Bibi !!!”

Bibi :“ "Ungeweza kama ungetaka 😎"

 

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Mrembo..​

Kuna siku nilichacha kipesa nikaamua kumuomba mrembo wangu aniazime 30,000/=, akanipa.

Baada ya siku mbili nikapata pesa zaidi ya laki 6 hivi, nikaamua kumpa 200,000/= demu wangu bila yeye kuniomba.

Baada ya siku 3 akaja kuniambia:-
“Bae, ile 30,000/- niliyokuazima mwenyewe amekuja kunidai, so kama unayo naomba unipe nimrudishie maana ananisumbua leo siku ya 3.”

SAA HIZI NIPO ZANGU SINGLE NATAFUTA DEMU MWINGINE 😎

 

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Kwenda na mke baa..​

Jamaa alienda Bar na mke wake wa ndoa, wakakaa kwenye viti, wakati wanasubiri vinywaji jamaa akawa anaongea na simu, akapita binti mmoja akamsogelea yule mke wa jamaa akamnong’oneza:-
“ HAKIKISHA AKULIPE KABISA KABLA HUJAENDA KULALA NAYE, NI MGUMU SANA KULIPA HUYOO!!.
HALAFU HUWA HATUMII KONDOMU…”

Unajua ni nini kilijiri baada ya hapo?!!

 

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Umama..​

1, Mwanaume kuoga haraka haraka ili uwahi kuangalia igizo, huo ni UMAMA..

2, Mwanaume kupiga picha umeng’ata Lips na Unapiga na Camera Beauty Plus huo ni UMAMA..

3, Mwanaume kuangalia tamthilia na Maigizo kwenye chanel ya sinema zetu wakati mechi za kombe la dunia zinaendelea, pia nawe ni MMAMAA..

4. Mwanaume kunywa soda au Juice na kubakiza, kununua chakula halafu unakula robo unakibakiza robo tatu, huo nao ni UMAMAA.

5. Mwanaume kumuuliza mwanaume mwenzio anapata faida gani kuangalia Mpira, pia nawe ni MMAMA…😎

 

[lyenyi]

B

 

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My neighbour's side chick is a soldier. If she feels Hot, she always comes wearing a uniform, and arrests him in front of his wife.

Then after they are done, she normally drops him in his house...
Then she tells his wife "I will come for him again in a few days for further questioning".

 

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A drunk man enters a females toilet by mistake..
A woman inside screams: "This is for ladies" the drunk man replies holding his dick "This is for ladies too" 😁

 

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When two girls are fighting over you, my brother, i advise you to watch the fight to the end.. Then marry the loser because
you just can't afford to have a Mike Tyson as a wife😁

 

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The other day I was traveling in a taxi chatting with my friends via SMS, Telegram and WhatsApp, and I realized the dude next to me was reading everything I was typing.

Then I wrote the following:
"Dear Sangoma, the snake you gave me is now giving me a bit of a problem. I notice it wants to jump out of the Bag, so I am afraid it will bite the guy sitting next to me..."
Suddenly, the guy jumped up and shouted..."Driver! Driver, Please Stop now.. stop, stop, stop.. right now please, it's very urgent..!!!"

 

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Dating a female Doctor or Nurse is not Romantic at all, I swear...
She will look into your EYES.. Instead of seeing LOVE, she will see MALARIA🙄

 

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Girls are like mangoes my brother, while you are waiting for them to get ripe, others are eating them with salt😁😁

 

[Smart911]

Pale Depal kanunua gari...

 

[Smart911]

Kafanya Kosa Gani huyu Depal

 

[Smart911]

 

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Kafanya Kosa Gani huyu Depal

View attachment 2367937

Labda mwamba kakamata message 😁

 

[Smart911]

Labda mwamba kakamata message 😁

Umri wao huo siyo wakugombana sababu ya message...