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David Bernstein urges FA Council not to resist changes in its structure

• Chairman tells FA 'to show we can embrace certain change'
• Calls for two non-executive directors to be added to board




  • Owen Gibson
  • The Guardian, Friday 25 March 2011 <li class="history">Article history
    David-Bernstein-007.jpg
    David Bernstein, the FA chairman, wants two non-executive directors to be added to the association's board. Photograph: Jan Kruger/The FA via Getty Images David Bernstein, the FA chairman, has made another small step towards reform of its board structure, telling the FA Council that the organisation needed "to show we can embrace certain change".
    Having already won support from the board, currently split 50-50 between representatives of the national game and the amateur game, for the addition of two non-executive directors, he made his case to the FA Council.
    "My advice, and you may accept it or not, is we need to show we can embrace certain change. On this independent non-executive directors issue we should not prevaricate," he told the 114 members of the FA Council. "This is a real issue and also a symbolic one. Our interests will not be served if this measure gets slowed down or ultimately rejected."
    Bernstein believes that while the issue is nowhere near radical enough for many who believe the FA requires fundamental reform, it must be approached with care. Barry Bright, the FA board member and recently elected leader of the council, also spoke out in support of the measure. If there is a positive response from the council, typically resistant to change, then the matter could be put to a general meeting in June.
    Critics point out that the addition of two non-executives, rather than the replacement of two existing board members, represents only incremental progress.
    Lord Burns, the Channel 4 chairman who recommended in a 2005 report that two non-executives join the board, admitted to the parliamentary committee currently examining football governance that he wished he had gone further. Both Lord Triesman, the former chairman, and Ian Watmore, the former chief executive, have called for wholesale reform of the FA's structure. Watmore, who quit in frustration, favours a fully independent board split between FA executives and non-executive directors.
    Bernstein, appointed in December in the wake of England's World Cup bid failure, has said he is in favour of "sensible, progressive reform". He will appear in front of the Culture, Media and Sport select committee at Wembley on Tuesday.
    Bernstein also told the council he had requested the manifestos of both Fifa presidential candidates, asking how they would benefit English football. He said he would make this information public before the board decided whether to back Sepp Blatter or Mohamed Bin Hammam.
    After FA board members had previously indicated they would support any challenger to Blatter, it was forced to issue a statement saying the matter had not been discussed at board level.

 

Serbia strike twice to undo Northern Ireland's good work






Euro 2012 Qual Group C

Serbia 2
  • Pantelic 65,
  • Tosic 74
Northern Ireland 1
  • McAuley 40


  • Press Association
  • guardian.co.uk, Friday 25 March 2011 22.09 GMT <li class="history">Article history
    Gareth-McAuley-Northern-I-007.jpg
    Gareth McAuley, who opened the scoring for Northern Ireland is challenged by Serbia's Marko Pantelic, left. Photograph: Ivan Milutinovic/Reuters Northern Ireland's Euro 2012 qualification hopes took a heavy blow in Belgrade as they conceded twice in the second half to surrender a hard-earned lead against their Group C rivals Serbia.
    Only some brave last-ditch defending stopped them going behind but when Gareth McAuley rose to head home Chris Brunt's cross in the 40th minute, a famous victory looked on the cards. But Serbia, playing in a near-deserted stadium as a result of crowd trouble during their away match against Italy, hit back through Marko Pantelic before Zoran Tosic drilled in the winner via a slight deflection.
    With just four minutes gone Brunt attempted something spectacular, lashing an ambitious looping shot at goal from just inside the Serbia half. It was directed well enough to cause goalkeeper Zeljko Brkic a moment's hesitation but it continued harmlessly over.
    Brkic twice flapped at set-pieces in the space of a minute, first Sammy Clingan's curling free-kick then Brunt's corner.
    The West Brom man next tried his luck from 20 yards but, after showing good control, his low drive flew wide.
    Serbia almost took the lead after 15 minutes, McAuley's last-gasp slide steering what looked a certain goal over the bar. Milos Krasic and Dejan Stankovic started the move on the right wing before the ball was cut back for Milan Bisevac, whose goalbound effort was brilliantly diverted by McAuley.
    Northern Ireland somehow managed to get out of jail again after 22 minutes, Tosic jinking into the box before teeing up Adem Ljajic. With the goal again gaping, a combination of Aaron Hughes and McAuley smothered the danger. Hughes was in some discomfort having gone down with an apparent shoulder injury but he remained on the pitch after treatment.
    An innocuous foul earned Brunt the chance to deliver a free-kick from the right flank five minutes before the interval and he found McAuley eight yards from goal. The Ipswich defender timed his jump well and aimed for the top corner, beating Brkic to send the 265 travelling fans into raptures.
    Northern Ireland were close to a second in the 49th minute, David Healy and Brunt linking well before Johnny Gorman whipped in a cross from the left. Brunt was waiting in the centre but Neven Subotic deflected the ball wide of the post.
    Camp ensured the lead remained at 1-0 when Jovanovic met a Krasic corner, heading powerfully at goal. The former England Under-21 international stood firm to beat the ball away.
    Healy, occasionally a little off the pace, picked up a needless yellow card to rule himself out of Tuesday's clash with Slovenia. Pantelic swept home from eight yards after a flowing move involving Ninkovic and Jovanovic. The Liverpool man almost put the hosts ahead seconds later after finding space in the penalty box but he hesitated to shoot and the chance fell away. Northern Ireland were now looking in trouble every time Serbia attacked, their swagger finally returning.
    The second goal came after 73 minutes, Stankovic charging towards the danger area before laying the ball to Tosic. The CSKA Moscow midfielder took a touch before rifling his shot into the near corner via a slight deflection off Craig Cathcart.
    Having taken the lead, Serbia eased off a little but Northern Ireland could not take advantage as substitutes Paddy McCourt and Warren Feeney struggled to make an impression. PA

 
End of Frank Lampard's England career nears but Chelsea is his nation

The 32-year-old midfielder will fancy his chances of silverware more in the European Cup than the European Championship



  • Frank-Lampard-England-007.jpg
    When the obituaries roll for Frank Lampard's international career, his non-goal against Germany in Bloemfontein will be imbued with heavy symbolism &#8211; the nearly-moment of his time in an England shirt. Photograph: Joern Pollex/Getty Images If you asked Frank Lampard whether he would rather win the Champions League with Chelsea or go on a nice tournament run with England before he retires, the words Poland and Ukraine would be unlikely to feature in his answer.
    Lampard, who could be dropped for the Wales game in Cardiff, will fancy his chances in the European Cup more than the European Championship.
    Since November 2003 Lampard has started 66 of the 69 England matches for which he has been fit. That level of exposure to the nation's frailties would steer him towards only one conclusion. The generation unveiled to such Football Association fanfare in the Noughties know the ground beneath their feet as a trail of tears.
    Why do they stick with it? Stubbornness, in some cases, but more often, one suspects, because the profile of an England player is still worth having, even when Fabio Capello sends you to your room on a perfectly nice afternoon for golf. Their agents will certainly tell them so. To wear the hair-shirt inflates commercial value except in the immediate aftermath of tournaments when players are being hung in effigy.
    So the team who bombed in South Africa came back for more, under the same coach. The most intelligent among them will have considered victory at Euro 2012 virtually impossible on all known form. Spain are world and continental champions. Germany have reinvented themselves. France will recover from their mutiny. Smaller European countries gain strength.
    Heading into this qualifying campaign there was no basis for believing England could progress under Capello from the nadir of the South Africa campaign to European supremacy.
    But like a Beckett character mumbling &#8211; "I can't go on, I'll go on..." &#8211; England's most senior players keep putting one foot in front of the other, except that Lampard may now be told to park himself on the bench. Before Gareth Bale was ruled out with hamstring trouble, the word was that Lampard would be dropped in favour of West Ham's Scott Parker: not because old Lamps is past it, necessarily, but more to provide a better balance in the centre of midfield, where a Lampard-Jack Wilshere combination lacks defensive rigour.
    Whether England need a holding midfielder against Wales is not really the point, because Capello is trying to build a side capable of advancing beyond tournament quarter-finals, and convention dictates he will need at least one screening player to nullify the best opposition. After the friendly in Denmark, where the Chelsea man was captain for 45 minutes, Capello concluded Lampard and the wunderkind, Wilshere, were both too attack-inclined to provide the required security.
    With no Bale to scorch the Cardiff grass on England's right side, there is no need to use James Milner as a second blocker in front of Glen Johnson.
    The problem in the centre, though, is unaltered, so Lampard (84 caps and 20 goals over 12 years) is battling it out not only with Gareth Barry but a colleague who flopped at Chelsea and has four international appearances to his name.
    However valiant Parker's work at West Ham it remains hard to picture him with three Premier League titles or 27 goals from central midfield, Lampard's sparking haul from Chelsea's 2009-2010 campaign. Parker is a fine club player who may be promoted by England not for his ability so much as his tactical usefulness. Lampard is a Premier League great who would find it hard to defend the accusation that his England career, agonisingly, has never really taken off.
    Incredibly either Lampard or Steven Gerrard or both have played in every competitive England fixture since the quarter-final defeat to Brazil in 2002. Wilshere, not Parker, is bringing the curtain down on this underachieving duopoly, to which whole prairies of newsprint have been devoted. Lampard and Gerrard are strong, marauding types, emblematic of their clubs. Wilshere's greater artistry is more in tune with the times, as defined by Spain.
    When the obituaries do roll for Lampard's international career, his non-goal against Germany in Bloemfontein will be imbued with heavy symbolism. The bounce of the ball, two feet over the goalline, is the nearly-moment of all his time in an England shirt. The World Cup had decided to remain unkind to him. There is still time to paint a brighter sheen on those memories but there is no automatic place for him in this side.
    His perseverance is itself a sign that he is blessed with a quality his critics say he lacks: a real appetite for international combat. Stamford Bridge has been such a grand stage for him that you can understand his inability to adapt to such a dysfunctional national team culture. He is a great player who played for a flawed England team rather than a great England player. His real country is Chelsea.

 
End of Frank Lampard's England career nears but Chelsea is his nation

The 32-year-old midfielder will fancy his chances of silverware more in the European Cup than the European Championship



  • Frank-Lampard-England-007.jpg
    When the obituaries roll for Frank Lampard's international career, his non-goal against Germany in Bloemfontein will be imbued with heavy symbolism – the nearly-moment of his time in an England shirt. Photograph: Joern Pollex/Getty Images If you asked Frank Lampard whether he would rather win the Champions League with Chelsea or go on a nice tournament run with England before he retires, the words Poland and Ukraine would be unlikely to feature in his answer.
    Lampard, who could be dropped for the Wales game in Cardiff, will fancy his chances in the European Cup more than the European Championship.
    Since November 2003 Lampard has started 66 of the 69 England matches for which he has been fit. That level of exposure to the nation's frailties would steer him towards only one conclusion. The generation unveiled to such Football Association fanfare in the Noughties know the ground beneath their feet as a trail of tears.
    Why do they stick with it? Stubbornness, in some cases, but more often, one suspects, because the profile of an England player is still worth having, even when Fabio Capello sends you to your room on a perfectly nice afternoon for golf. Their agents will certainly tell them so. To wear the hair-shirt inflates commercial value except in the immediate aftermath of tournaments when players are being hung in effigy.
    So the team who bombed in South Africa came back for more, under the same coach. The most intelligent among them will have considered victory at Euro 2012 virtually impossible on all known form. Spain are world and continental champions. Germany have reinvented themselves. France will recover from their mutiny. Smaller European countries gain strength.
    Heading into this qualifying campaign there was no basis for believing England could progress under Capello from the nadir of the South Africa campaign to European supremacy.
    But like a Beckett character mumbling – "I can't go on, I'll go on..." – England's most senior players keep putting one foot in front of the other, except that Lampard may now be told to park himself on the bench. Before Gareth Bale was ruled out with hamstring trouble, the word was that Lampard would be dropped in favour of West Ham's Scott Parker: not because old Lamps is past it, necessarily, but more to provide a better balance in the centre of midfield, where a Lampard-Jack Wilshere combination lacks defensive rigour.
    Whether England need a holding midfielder against Wales is not really the point, because Capello is trying to build a side capable of advancing beyond tournament quarter-finals, and convention dictates he will need at least one screening player to nullify the best opposition. After the friendly in Denmark, where the Chelsea man was captain for 45 minutes, Capello concluded Lampard and the wunderkind, Wilshere, were both too attack-inclined to provide the required security.
    With no Bale to scorch the Cardiff grass on England's right side, there is no need to use James Milner as a second blocker in front of Glen Johnson.
    The problem in the centre, though, is unaltered, so Lampard (84 caps and 20 goals over 12 years) is battling it out not only with Gareth Barry but a colleague who flopped at Chelsea and has four international appearances to his name.
    However valiant Parker's work at West Ham it remains hard to picture him with three Premier League titles or 27 goals from central midfield, Lampard's sparking haul from Chelsea's 2009-2010 campaign. Parker is a fine club player who may be promoted by England not for his ability so much as his tactical usefulness. Lampard is a Premier League great who would find it hard to defend the accusation that his England career, agonisingly, has never really taken off.
    Incredibly either Lampard or Steven Gerrard or both have played in every competitive England fixture since the quarter-final defeat to Brazil in 2002. Wilshere, not Parker, is bringing the curtain down on this underachieving duopoly, to which whole prairies of newsprint have been devoted. Lampard and Gerrard are strong, marauding types, emblematic of their clubs. Wilshere's greater artistry is more in tune with the times, as defined by Spain.
    When the obituaries do roll for Lampard's international career, his non-goal against Germany in Bloemfontein will be imbued with heavy symbolism. The bounce of the ball, two feet over the goalline, is the nearly-moment of all his time in an England shirt. The World Cup had decided to remain unkind to him. There is still time to paint a brighter sheen on those memories but there is no automatic place for him in this side.
    His perseverance is itself a sign that he is blessed with a quality his critics say he lacks: a real appetite for international combat. Stamford Bridge has been such a grand stage for him that you can understand his inability to adapt to such a dysfunctional national team culture. He is a great player who played for a flawed England team rather than a great England player. His real country is Chelsea.

 
Arsenal doing better than 'big mouth' rivals, says Robin van Persie

&#8226; Van Persie: 'We are still ahead of City and Chelsea'
&#8226; 'I still strongly believe in my club's philosophy,' says forward




  • David Hytner
  • The Guardian, Friday 25 March 2011 <li class="history">Article history
    robin-van-persie-007.jpg
    Robin van Persie says he does not like it when players constantly talk to the referee to influence decisions. Photograph: Alex Morton/Action Images Robin van Persie is confident Arsenal can finish the season as the Premier League champions but he feels the club have proved a point to their "big mouth" rivals, Manchester City and Chelsea.
    "I still strongly believe in my club's philosophy," Van Persie said. "A club like Manchester City change their philosophy every year and Chelsea spent about &#8364;80m this season ... two clubs who had a big mouth before the season, thinking that Arsenal wouldn't play a role in the title race but we are still ahead of them. And just by playing our own game, through our own philosophy."
    Arsenal's philosophy of living within their means has conflicted with the approach at City and Chelsea, where big-money outlays in the transfer market have accelerated progress. Chelsea spent £71m in January on Fernando Torres and David Luiz to signal their intent to compete over the second half of the season and return stronger in 2011-12.
    Yet Van Persie's distaste with Chelsea runs deeper. The striker collected a second yellow card in the second leg of Arsenal's Champions League last-16 defeat to Barcelona for shooting after the whistle had gone and he accused the Spanish team's players of putting unfair pressure on the referee Massimo Busacca. It is a tactic that he has come to associate with Chelsea.
    "What frustrated me very much," Van Persie said, "was that the Barcelona players were trying to influence the referee from the first minute. They were talking and complaining all the time, without being punished. I don't like that kind of acting. It has nothing to do with fair play. The referee was clearly influenced by that. He lost the plot completely.
    "Of course, every team tries to take some advantage by talking to the referee at crucial moments in the game ... you have to be smart in some way. But not all the time, over and over again. In England, Chelsea have the same kind of behaviour towards the referee. They talk and they talk. Over and over. On every decision. It's getting annoying sometimes."
    Arsenal are under intense pressure to win the title to end a six-year wait for silverware, after losing in each of the three cup competitions that they were involved in over the past month or so. Samir Nasri, the Arsenal midfielder, said recently that it was "now or never" for his club to win the championship while Harry Redknapp, the Tottenham Hotspur manager, said that Arsenal were "the only team with a clear run at it ... you'd have to think they've got the best chance they're ever going to have".
    It feels as if despite their free-flowing football, Arsenal will be judged at the end of May on whether they have ended the trophy drought. They remain in control of their title-winning destiny and would overhaul Manchester United to be crowned as champions if they could win their remaining nine matches, which includes a trip to Tottenham and the game with United at the Emirates Stadium.
    Van Persie, will not allow the background noise, the burning desire or the near misses to blur his focus. "Winning trophies is a big thing for me," he said. "It is very frustrating but it's not in my head all the time. It might influence other players but, for me, it's not an obsession. I did win prizes in my career, I know how to do it. It's about keeping focus, about just playing your game. If you keep playing your game, you'll get rewarded some time.
    "The Carling Cup final [defeat to Birmingham City] was really frustrating and it did influence our game in the weeks after. The game was bizarre ... it really showed that every game has its own story. But I still strongly believe in our title chances. We have a great team, with great focus. Everyone within the club is really positive about our chances."

 
Arsenal doing better than 'big mouth' rivals, says Robin van Persie

• Van Persie: 'We are still ahead of City and Chelsea'
• 'I still strongly believe in my club's philosophy,' says forward




  • David Hytner
  • The Guardian, Friday 25 March 2011 <li class="history">Article history
    robin-van-persie-007.jpg
    Robin van Persie says he does not like it when players constantly talk to the referee to influence decisions. Photograph: Alex Morton/Action Images Robin van Persie is confident Arsenal can finish the season as the Premier League champions but he feels the club have proved a point to their "big mouth" rivals, Manchester City and Chelsea.
    "I still strongly believe in my club's philosophy," Van Persie said. "A club like Manchester City change their philosophy every year and Chelsea spent about €80m this season ... two clubs who had a big mouth before the season, thinking that Arsenal wouldn't play a role in the title race but we are still ahead of them. And just by playing our own game, through our own philosophy."
    Arsenal's philosophy of living within their means has conflicted with the approach at City and Chelsea, where big-money outlays in the transfer market have accelerated progress. Chelsea spent £71m in January on Fernando Torres and David Luiz to signal their intent to compete over the second half of the season and return stronger in 2011-12.
    Yet Van Persie's distaste with Chelsea runs deeper. The striker collected a second yellow card in the second leg of Arsenal's Champions League last-16 defeat to Barcelona for shooting after the whistle had gone and he accused the Spanish team's players of putting unfair pressure on the referee Massimo Busacca. It is a tactic that he has come to associate with Chelsea.
    "What frustrated me very much," Van Persie said, "was that the Barcelona players were trying to influence the referee from the first minute. They were talking and complaining all the time, without being punished. I don't like that kind of acting. It has nothing to do with fair play. The referee was clearly influenced by that. He lost the plot completely.
    "Of course, every team tries to take some advantage by talking to the referee at crucial moments in the game ... you have to be smart in some way. But not all the time, over and over again. In England, Chelsea have the same kind of behaviour towards the referee. They talk and they talk. Over and over. On every decision. It's getting annoying sometimes."
    Arsenal are under intense pressure to win the title to end a six-year wait for silverware, after losing in each of the three cup competitions that they were involved in over the past month or so. Samir Nasri, the Arsenal midfielder, said recently that it was "now or never" for his club to win the championship while Harry Redknapp, the Tottenham Hotspur manager, said that Arsenal were "the only team with a clear run at it ... you'd have to think they've got the best chance they're ever going to have".
    It feels as if despite their free-flowing football, Arsenal will be judged at the end of May on whether they have ended the trophy drought. They remain in control of their title-winning destiny and would overhaul Manchester United to be crowned as champions if they could win their remaining nine matches, which includes a trip to Tottenham and the game with United at the Emirates Stadium.
    Van Persie, will not allow the background noise, the burning desire or the near misses to blur his focus. "Winning trophies is a big thing for me," he said. "It is very frustrating but it's not in my head all the time. It might influence other players but, for me, it's not an obsession. I did win prizes in my career, I know how to do it. It's about keeping focus, about just playing your game. If you keep playing your game, you'll get rewarded some time.
    "The Carling Cup final [defeat to Birmingham City] was really frustrating and it did influence our game in the weeks after. The game was bizarre ... it really showed that every game has its own story. But I still strongly believe in our title chances. We have a great team, with great focus. Everyone within the club is really positive about our chances."
 
Patriotic froth; and bloody mary

Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving


  • Scott Murray
  • guardian.co.uk, Friday 25 March 2011 15.44 GMT <li class="history">Article history
    Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgoger-007.jpg
    The Fiver's Welsh cousin may have to move here if Wales shame him on Saturday. Photograph: PA WE'RE NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO WATCH ENGLAND PRESS CONFERENCES NOW. WE SIMPLY CANNOT BE BOTHERED

    Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver has been in an excitable mood all week. With a big Euro 2012 qualifier against England coming up on Saturday, our stereotypical Welsh cousin has spent the last few days working himself up into a patriotic froth by eating plate after plate of cheese on toast, mainlining pints like Dylan Thomas, and watching the old HTV ident on constant loop. He's not feeling very well. Not feeling very well at all.
    Luckily, while Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver has been boaking rich brown vomit all down his front &#8211; a practice requiring the use of several long vowel sounds rarely otherwise heard in his native tongue &#8211; his east-of-Offa's-Dyke counterpart $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver has been paying full attention. He's as sober as a judge, see, his mood one of complete hubris-tempting indifference, for England have travelled to Wales five times previously to play competitive qualifying fixtures, and have won every single one, scoring 13 goals and letting in only two.
    That's a record likely to continue this weekend, because Welsh star turn Gareth Bale is out with hamstring-rip, and if the coverage in the media is anything to go by, he's their only player. Evidence submitted by young Aaron Ramsey suggests otherwise &#8211; "I've been made captain but as far as I am concerned there are 10 other captains in our team," he fibbed through his teeth &#8211; but either way England are strong favourites. So much so that, instead of sitting in his hotel room and worrying about the threat of Craig Bellamy, as he should be doing, Fabio Capello has spent most of the afternoon droning on about The Armband instead. "None of the boys have a problem with EBALJT," said Capello. The Fiver doesn't actually know for sure if he said that, we couldn't be bothered to watch the press conference, but let's face it, he said it.
    QUOTE OF THE DAY

    "Apologies for the picture ... one of my mates messing around with my phone! Sorry!" - and with that, Liverpool tease Jonjo Shelvey closed his Twitter account. Because a photo of a tig appeared on it, if you must know.
    MORE LAZY COUSIN RIFFS? YOUR WISH IS OUR COMMAND!

    While Llanfair PG Fiver (the PG stands for Pwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, in case you're wondering) and $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver are gadding around Cardiff this weekend, our other cousins have business to attend to as well. Soda Farl Breakfasting Gable End Decorating Fiver is in Serbia to witness Nigel Worthington's spectacular tantrum, as he punishes the useless shower who capitulated 3-0 against Scotland in the Nations Cup by dropping everyone and playing the kids. Stephen Craigan, Grant McCann, David Healy and Niall McGinn have all been left out, while Kyle Lafferty will be the only man up front. Expect Saturday morning's farls to be washed down with a bloody mary or three.
    Theme Pub O'Fiver is spending Saturday in Dublin, where Scotland's James McCarthy is expected to finally turn out for the Republic in a competitive match, putting an end to the chat that he'll double-back on his pledge to O'Ireland and throw his lot in with Craig Levein's men. He'll start on the bench against Macedonia, who are looking to give the Irish manic depression again, and will surely be given a run-out by Giovanni Trapattoni at some stage this time. Surely? Anyway, if he does, that'll be great news for the Irish, because the Aiden McGeady thing has been working out so well, hasn't it.
    As for Shortbread McFiver, he's down in London preparing for a Sunday afternoon of abject misery, with Scotland likely to become the first team to make workmanlike hoofers Brazil look like they're playing samba football since 1982. Peterborough striker Craig Mackail-Smith, who's scored 27 goals this season, is hoping to make a dream debut for the Scots, which just shows you how much problem drinking Shortbread McFiver will have to do come Sunday evening. Brazil midfielder Lucas Leiva may also have a painful Monday morning to deal with, when he goes back to Liverpool to face an irate Kenny Dalglish. "I don't think he will be happy if we win," oo-er-ed Lucas, though he needn't worry too much: Dalglish is hardly likely to drop him in a fit of pique when Christian Poulsen's the only other option, is he?
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    FIVER LETTERS

    "Re: Qatar's artificial clouds for the 2022 World Cup (yesterday's Fiver). If concern about the heat is so great, why don't they just build domes and play indoors? Would playing in an air-conditioned dome be 'artificial and unnatural' but having radio-controlled artificial clouds be 'totally authentic and within the spirit of the Beautiful Game'?" - Patrick Runge.
    "I'd just like to offer a warning to the nation of Qatar if it decides to follow through with this blocking out the sun nonsense. Mr Burns did the same thing in The Simpsons and it didn't exactly work out very well for him" - David Oglethorpe.
    "Surely the biggest worry for England if Qatar float manufactured clouds filled with helium over their stadiums is that interviews with Joe Cole and $tevie Mbe will be conducted at a frequency only dogs can hear?" - Paul Liddell [or if those two are still shaming England in 11 years' time - Fiver Ed].
    Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
    BITS AND BOBS

    Plymouth Argyle teenager and eager business liquidation student Jack Stephens has rejected a £125,000 move to Fulham. "He wanted to stay and carry on his football education with us," explained boss Peter Reid.
    Reserve goalkeeper Andy Marshall, 97, has signed a new deal at Aston Villa despite not having played so far under Ged Houllier. "It can be frustrating but I've gone from No3 to No2," he said, unambitiously.
    Given that it's not a problem he has any more, David Beckham will lead out the LA Galaxy this weekend as regular captain Landon Donovan is on international duty.
    Barcelona say Eric Abidal is back home and making satisfactory progress after surgery to remove a tumour on his liver. "It is estimated that he will be able to begin physical exercise in four weeks' time," read a club statement.
    And Bayern Munich have confirmed Jupp Heynckes as their manager for next season. Better luck next time, Ailsa from Home and Away.
    STILL WANT MORE?

    This week's Joy of Six is on title-race turning points. It features a funky Don Revie and his travelling blanket. What's not to like?
    Will Craig Levein's Scotland and Brazil serve up a carnival of football, muses Ewan Murray.
    AC Jimbo + European newspapers + cake = 4min 47sec of your life well spent.
    Ever dropped your whistle and been unable to find a spare? If you've been there then this You are the Ref will be a doddle.
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Patriotic froth; and bloody mary

Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving


  • Scott Murray
  • guardian.co.uk, Friday 25 March 2011 15.44 GMT <li class="history">Article history
    Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgoger-007.jpg
    The Fiver's Welsh cousin may have to move here if Wales shame him on Saturday. Photograph: PA WE'RE NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO WATCH ENGLAND PRESS CONFERENCES NOW. WE SIMPLY CANNOT BE BOTHERED

    Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver has been in an excitable mood all week. With a big Euro 2012 qualifier against England coming up on Saturday, our stereotypical Welsh cousin has spent the last few days working himself up into a patriotic froth by eating plate after plate of cheese on toast, mainlining pints like Dylan Thomas, and watching the old HTV ident on constant loop. He's not feeling very well. Not feeling very well at all.
    Luckily, while Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver has been boaking rich brown vomit all down his front – a practice requiring the use of several long vowel sounds rarely otherwise heard in his native tongue – his east-of-Offa's-Dyke counterpart $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver has been paying full attention. He's as sober as a judge, see, his mood one of complete hubris-tempting indifference, for England have travelled to Wales five times previously to play competitive qualifying fixtures, and have won every single one, scoring 13 goals and letting in only two.
    That's a record likely to continue this weekend, because Welsh star turn Gareth Bale is out with hamstring-rip, and if the coverage in the media is anything to go by, he's their only player. Evidence submitted by young Aaron Ramsey suggests otherwise – "I've been made captain but as far as I am concerned there are 10 other captains in our team," he fibbed through his teeth – but either way England are strong favourites. So much so that, instead of sitting in his hotel room and worrying about the threat of Craig Bellamy, as he should be doing, Fabio Capello has spent most of the afternoon droning on about The Armband instead. "None of the boys have a problem with EBALJT," said Capello. The Fiver doesn't actually know for sure if he said that, we couldn't be bothered to watch the press conference, but let's face it, he said it.
    QUOTE OF THE DAY

    "Apologies for the picture ... one of my mates messing around with my phone! Sorry!" - and with that, Liverpool tease Jonjo Shelvey closed his Twitter account. Because a photo of a tig appeared on it, if you must know.
    MORE LAZY COUSIN RIFFS? YOUR WISH IS OUR COMMAND!

    While Llanfair PG Fiver (the PG stands for Pwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, in case you're wondering) and $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver are gadding around Cardiff this weekend, our other cousins have business to attend to as well. Soda Farl Breakfasting Gable End Decorating Fiver is in Serbia to witness Nigel Worthington's spectacular tantrum, as he punishes the useless shower who capitulated 3-0 against Scotland in the Nations Cup by dropping everyone and playing the kids. Stephen Craigan, Grant McCann, David Healy and Niall McGinn have all been left out, while Kyle Lafferty will be the only man up front. Expect Saturday morning's farls to be washed down with a bloody mary or three.
    Theme Pub O'Fiver is spending Saturday in Dublin, where Scotland's James McCarthy is expected to finally turn out for the Republic in a competitive match, putting an end to the chat that he'll double-back on his pledge to O'Ireland and throw his lot in with Craig Levein's men. He'll start on the bench against Macedonia, who are looking to give the Irish manic depression again, and will surely be given a run-out by Giovanni Trapattoni at some stage this time. Surely? Anyway, if he does, that'll be great news for the Irish, because the Aiden McGeady thing has been working out so well, hasn't it.
    As for Shortbread McFiver, he's down in London preparing for a Sunday afternoon of abject misery, with Scotland likely to become the first team to make workmanlike hoofers Brazil look like they're playing samba football since 1982. Peterborough striker Craig Mackail-Smith, who's scored 27 goals this season, is hoping to make a dream debut for the Scots, which just shows you how much problem drinking Shortbread McFiver will have to do come Sunday evening. Brazil midfielder Lucas Leiva may also have a painful Monday morning to deal with, when he goes back to Liverpool to face an irate Kenny Dalglish. "I don't think he will be happy if we win," oo-er-ed Lucas, though he needn't worry too much: Dalglish is hardly likely to drop him in a fit of pique when Christian Poulsen's the only other option, is he?
    DOUBLE YOUR MONEY WITH BLUE SQUARE!

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    FIVER LETTERS

    "Re: Qatar's artificial clouds for the 2022 World Cup (yesterday's Fiver). If concern about the heat is so great, why don't they just build domes and play indoors? Would playing in an air-conditioned dome be 'artificial and unnatural' but having radio-controlled artificial clouds be 'totally authentic and within the spirit of the Beautiful Game'?" - Patrick Runge.
    "I'd just like to offer a warning to the nation of Qatar if it decides to follow through with this blocking out the sun nonsense. Mr Burns did the same thing in The Simpsons and it didn't exactly work out very well for him" - David Oglethorpe.
    "Surely the biggest worry for England if Qatar float manufactured clouds filled with helium over their stadiums is that interviews with Joe Cole and $tevie Mbe will be conducted at a frequency only dogs can hear?" - Paul Liddell [or if those two are still shaming England in 11 years' time - Fiver Ed].
    Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
    BITS AND BOBS

    Plymouth Argyle teenager and eager business liquidation student Jack Stephens has rejected a £125,000 move to Fulham. "He wanted to stay and carry on his football education with us," explained boss Peter Reid.
    Reserve goalkeeper Andy Marshall, 97, has signed a new deal at Aston Villa despite not having played so far under Ged Houllier. "It can be frustrating but I've gone from No3 to No2," he said, unambitiously.
    Given that it's not a problem he has any more, David Beckham will lead out the LA Galaxy this weekend as regular captain Landon Donovan is on international duty.
    Barcelona say Eric Abidal is back home and making satisfactory progress after surgery to remove a tumour on his liver. "It is estimated that he will be able to begin physical exercise in four weeks' time," read a club statement.
    And Bayern Munich have confirmed Jupp Heynckes as their manager for next season. Better luck next time, Ailsa from Home and Away.
    STILL WANT MORE?

    This week's Joy of Six is on title-race turning points. It features a funky Don Revie and his travelling blanket. What's not to like?
    Will Craig Levein's Scotland and Brazil serve up a carnival of football, muses Ewan Murray.
    AC Jimbo + European newspapers + cake = 4min 47sec of your life well spent.
    Ever dropped your whistle and been unable to find a spare? If you've been there then this You are the Ref will be a doddle.
    SIGN UP TO THE FIVER

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    SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMBLES
 
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