Roger Sterling
JF-Expert Member
- May 10, 2015
- 13,010
- 23,656
By Dan Reitman
Below is a brief sampling of some of the many, many things that you shouldnt say after the nasty. Note that the real list is as endless as mans own capacity for foot-swallowing stupidity, but hopefully this will provide a good jumping-off point; examples of words that may appear in your mind, that you may wish to verbalize during that magical post-boot-knockin' chill period, but that you really, really dont need to, man.
I cant believe how good that felt.
Heres a good one to start with. We all know what you meant: As good as I was expecting that to feel, it felt even better than that! Hey, thats a nice thought. But what that really sounds like is, I set the bar really low and you pretty much exceeded it. Sure, thats still a compliment, but one so brutally, clumsily back-handed, youre basically Roger Federer on a Schnapps bender. Better to stay quiet.
Wait, did you want me to stay over?
Mama didnt raise no ingrate, youll think to yourself, as you chivalrously offer to slip out of the bedroom and into the night, like the douchiest ninja ever.
No, youll insist to your partner, that with the sexing portion of the evening concluded, you simply didnt want to overstay your welcome or invade your partners personal space... except for that part earlier in the evening, where you invaded your partners uh, personal space vigorously and repeatedly.
Staying over is part of the deal, at least unless she gives you an overt "OK," something along the lines of You dont have to stay over if you dont want to, (which still means you should stay over) or, better still I agree, it would be better if you left. (Which means you likely screwed something else up.)
Thanks.
We were raised to say thank you for any kindness that comes our way, and what can be kinder than a nice lady being super-cool to your genitals? But sex is, of course, the exception. Someone didnt just hold the door for you; you didnt just get your parking validated; a busboy did not just refill your water glass. There is a difference in protocol, so lets act accordingly.
The only time a thank you could be remotely defensible is if there were some sort of financial transaction involved with the sex, which of course brings up a whole other set of ethical issues. Even then, its still horribly tacky, at best, though if youre paying for sex thats probably not a huge concern for you.
Was that good?
File this one under If you have to ask
The lack of confidence and self-assurance in those three words is troubling. Whats your concern here? That your partner didnt have an orgasm? That you came too fast? That your equipment was underwhelming? All three? Look, I dont have the stats to back this up like my man George W. Bush, I dont believe stats matter when I feel something so strongly in my bones but I can tell you that I feel it in my bones that seven out of eight men suffer from those insecurities and uncertainties during every sexual encounter, and the best among us wear said insecurities like a badge of honor.
Being mediocre in the bedroom is not good, but being CONFIDENT about said mediocrity is nothing short of badass. The truth is we cant all be hung like (or possess the endurance of) Ron Jeremy. Sex is a skill and you, like everyone else, are working on perfecting your craft. So when all else fails, own your mediocrity: Dont ask if it felt good ask if theyd like seconds!
I have a big day at work.
This one isnt about what you said, but when you said it. Saying I have a big day at work, after a solid 30-minute post-coital cuddle sesh is legit. Youre an ambitious fellow and she will appreciate your excitement to start your day and grab it by the proverbial short hairs.
By contrast, saying I have a big day at work, a mere, say, 30 seconds into your refractory period is downright sociopathic. You may as well have said, Ive made a terrible mistake with you that no amount of showering can undo, but I sure am gonna try. Gotta run!
Youre kinda loud.
This is tantamount to saying Im cool with not seeing you naked again. If thats what you meant, thats cool. If it isnt and you did just want her to turn it down a little, keep in mind Sex Volume Control runs counter to letting inhibitions go or doing whatever your partner is doing at her most liberated. So, not only are you pathetically uptight, but you apparently hate freedom. Go rent Braveheart, invest in some apartment soundproofing, and man the hell up.
