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Real World: African Autocrats, Must read

Discussion in 'Habari na Hoja mchanganyiko' started by paesulta, Feb 18, 2010.

  1. paesulta

    paesulta JF-Expert Member

    Feb 18, 2010
    Joined: Mar 13, 2009
    Messages: 227
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    Enter Rwandan President Paul KAGAME, Ugandan President Yoweri MUSEVENI, and Libyan President Muammar QADDAFI. A corpulent Kenyan President Mwai KIBAKI sits on the sofa, stuffing his face with sausage rolls and scanning hot celebrity pics in The Star. Angolan President Jose Eduardo DOS SANTOS sits under a pile of cobwebs in the corner, an oil drip connected to his arm. Nigerian President Umaru Musa YAR’ADUA is nowhere to be seen.

    MUSEVENI: You fat Kikuyu, always hungry!

    KIBAKI: It is my turn to eat, bwana.

    MUSEVENI: If you only eat a little – slowly, slowly – no one will notice. I fleeced the West for years before they realized I was no better than all the other tyrants. Some still think I am an example of the New African Leader. Haha.

    KAGAME: Haha.

    MUSEVENI: Haha.

    YAR’ADUA: …

    KIBAKI: Ndiyo, you are right. If I am not careful, Ban Ki-Moon will tell me that I should be tried at a special tribunal in the Hague. Hahaha.

    MUSEVENI: Hahaha.

    KAGAME: Hahaha.

    ALL: Hahaha.

    [Cut to Ban KI-MOON, wearing a pink tutu and blushing in the corner.]

    KIBAKI: We Kikuyu have a saying: grmphluggerblursplatughrump [words drowned out by digestive noises].

    KAGAME: In the bush we survived on canniness and wiles. For three years I ate nothing but Human Rights Watch reports. [lifting shirt to reveal washboard abs] Yoweri, feel my stomach.

    MUSEVENI: You fat Kenyans cannot even agree on how to misrule a country.

    KIBAKI: Yes, now you are handing out leadership advice. Mr. I Can’t Even Control an Unruly Kingdom Within My Own Borders.

    MUSEVENI: [makes a flummoxed face]

    KIBAKI: Mr. Let Me Bend Over So the Western Oil Companies Can Stick It In.

    MUSEVENI: [cartoon teapot steam spouting from ears] Oh, so says the great leader of the Grand Coalition Government. So says him who can’t even manage to steal an election without maybe half the Western world noticing.