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Who Is Your Girl/wife?

Discussion in 'Habari na Hoja mchanganyiko' started by Bujibuji, Jul 20, 2010.

  1. Bujibuji

    Bujibuji JF-Expert Member

    Jul 20, 2010
    Joined: Feb 4, 2009
    Messages: 35,383
    Likes Received: 22,261
    Trophy Points: 280
    1) Alice the Alcoholic.

    Most of her facebook statuses are about how she is going to get wasted,
    got wasted, or missed work coz she slept till midday on a Tuesday.
    Proudly says how she has a whisky ( this lot have long ago graduated to
    serious drinks,not these ma-blackices) gin and tonic or tequila with her lunch. Buys her own
    drinks, has a nice job, 3 ton chip on her shoulder.

    Chances of being a good wife or girlfriend...nil.

    2) Betty the Bitter Single Mum.

    At every table, in every bar or restaurant in this counrty, there is a
    bitter single mum. She casually calls the father of her kid ' bastard'
    and has man issues that would make FIDAs most male bashing lawyer look
    like a geisha.Men are dogs, she says. Then spends the rest of the night whining how
    Kenyan men are too insecure they cant date a single mum.

    Date-ability depends on how bad her bitterness is.

    3) Cathy the Cougar

    She may be a jeisty Karen wife, or a shrubbing farmer from Nyeri, but
    increasingly Kenya's dating scene is becoming the hunting ground for old
    women with money to burn on young men.Dont be fooled. She only wants you for your body. You arent allowed to shag anyone else and must be at her beck and call. If at 3 a.m on a Tuesday she calls you up and tells you to meet her...you move your fecking ass chap chap.

    Your mum would have a heart attack if she found out you are doing her.
    Your bank manager would have a heart attack if you stopped doing her.

    If you manage to rock her world, she will ask you to marry her. Good
    luck having any respect in society.

    4) Dorothy the Divorcee

    Her ex-husband shagged anything in a skirt. Now she is in the market
    earnestly trying to show him up.Prefers more mature and working men.
    Your future prospects depend on how much one man's trash can really be
    another man's treasure.

    5) Emma Evil

    Mean, rude, stingy and unfortunately gorgeous as hell. Knows she is
    beautiful and thinks that gives her carte blanche to do whatever she likes.
    Has no concept of guilt or remorse. You wouldnt be surprised if you
    found a human skull and occult paraphanelia in her wardrobe.

    6) Fifi the Freak

    She certainly is very...ahem...popular. Goes home with a different guy
    every friday and you know at least seven of your pals whom she has been with.
    Boss, stay away from this chick, unless you dont mind getting rashes in
    personal places.

    7) Gladys goody-two-shoes.

    Every sentence has one of these words. ' church, pastor, bible,
    salvation, sin,holy, no.'
    She is the girl with the ankle length skirts, bible in her handbag, who
    wont meet you in a bar coz its a sin, goes for prayer meetings every night
    and carries annointing oil with her.
    Unless you are actually a committed christian man looking for a wife,
    stay away from her or risk being struck by lightening.

    8) Harriet the Hustler

    We all know atleast one chick like this. She is always on her phone,
    talking in machine-gun speed vernacular doing deals about plots, kukus or farm
    Can sell you anything you want from a car to a tractor to an eigth in
    rongai.Just give her five minutes and some airtime.

    Annoying as girlfriends this lot make better wives, as long as you know
    that while cheating is forgiveable, losing her money is not.

    9)Immaculate, who is anything but immaculate.

    Spent her early 20s living it up, being shagged by politicians and
    musicians.Now in her late 20s/ early 30s she is turning a new leaf and is loojing
    for a husband.
    She has changed all her friends, uses her middle name so that her former
    identity doesnt get discovered, joined a conservative church and is
    practicing secondary virginity.

    We all have a past, so if you are a mature and forgiving, understanding
    man...date her. But most men are shallow hypocrites who run for the
    hills when they find out she was once sexetary to the cabinet.

    10) Jane the Joker

    28 years old. No job. No income. Lives with her parents. Didnt finish
    University, is always doing some wierd short courses.
    Has no drive but drives a souped up car. Thinks daddy will always be
    there to provide.
    Wants a rich man to make her his housewife. Doesnt cook, clean or talk
    to poor people.

    11) Kate from Karen

    Snobbery in designer jeans. Kate only mixes within 'her social class'.
    Prefers twitter to facebook and tells you to your face that she rejected your
    friend request ' coz we just work together, i mean, its not like we are friends
    friends. But we can still do email.'
    Your car must be german, clothes itallian and she will not show up if
    the restaurant isnt japanese or turkish. Has never been east of moi avenue.

    Holidays in Bali while you holiday in Nyali.

    Date her if you are old money. You may get away with being new money so
    long as its a lot of new money.

    12) Laura Loud-Mouth

    Gossips like a fishmonger's wife. Everything and aything you tell her
    will soon be public knowledge.

    Has a loud annoying voice, loud annoying laugh and only an idiot would
    date her let alone marry her.
    Has no real friends, loves being the centre of attention and
    conversation. is a pathological liar.

    13) Moody Molly

    One minute she is all rainbows and butterflies the next she is a tsunami
    of anger and tears. Her extreme mood swings scare you and you instictively
    move back slightly if she has a knife, even if its a bread knife in a

    14) Nelly the clingy Nag

    She calls you at 6 to say good morning. At 8 to find out if you got to
    work okay. Sends you three texts, writes on your wall and calls you twice
    She always wants to be with you and gives you annoying petnames.
    Goes ballistic or naggy when you say you cant see her.

    15) Sally Shagzmodo

    'Wow njon, ndhis is a ravry les-toe-lant.'
    Hotter than a somalia summer you try and ignore the mother tongue
    interference,accent and wierd perfume.
    You focus on the hourglass figure, flawless skin and hope to heaven that
    she wont ask the maitre d if she can have some ugali rather than spaghetti
    with her meatballs.

    16) Tanya Too-Good-To-Be-True

    She cooks like a chef, has a hot figure, sharp mind and good sense of
    humour.She loves football and rugby, your boys like her, your family adores her
    and ever since you met her your life has been perfect.
    Extensive background checks have revealed nothing untoward about her
    past, she comes from a good-normal family, is loving and will make a great wife
    and mother.

    Run. This chick will sacrifice you to some idol sonewhere in karura

    17) Vivian the Virgin

    After being in C.U. all thru high school and university, Vivian has
    decided she now wants to taste the forbiden fruit.
    But only if you are going to marry her. As in, you have met her parents
    and started brideprice negotiations.

    She talks about marriage on the first date.

    18) Wendy the Wannabe

    Wendy name drops, has fb pictures of her with famous people and is
    constantly looking for the next celebrity event or club opening.
    Within two minutes of meeting you she has already asked what you drive,
    where you live and where you work.
    If you answer you dont have a car, live in eastlands and are tarmacking
    she will sneer, despite the fact that all three are true for her as well.

    19) Yasmin

    Yasmin is a muslim. She may even wear a buibui. But when she comes over
    to your house she drinks alcohol and eats pork.
    She wont be seen with you in public and if her dad finds out an infidel
    has taken the fidelity of his daughter there will be a fatwa and jihad on
    your ass.

    Marrying her means changing religions.

    20) Zipporah Manzi wa Mtaa

    Listens exclusively to genge, knows every matatu on their home route
    down to the specifications of the music system.
    When you suggest watching Transformers at the cinema she tells you not to
    waste 2k, you can get a dvd of it for 50 bob, buy some nyama and napoleon
    brandy andwatch it at home.