What would you do if you were ME!

shishi said:

I was in a rship with this guy for close to 3yrs. we had our share of ups and downs. though i wanted to marry him, i was afraid coz he was not open and we always had problems communicating.our rship hit the rocks due to this, he always came out defensive on very important issues about the future. So i chose to move on with my life, we didnt break up, i moved to a different city, a couple of months after i had moved, a friend of mine told me that he was getting married. I wanted to die to say the least. it was painful but i survived. now three months after he got married, he started writing to me, he apologised alot and told me how he regrets everything, that he married a woman he does not love and that he wants a second chance,anyway, to cut the story short, the wife has already left. He thinks we have a chance to make things work again. Please advice me,what wd u do if you were in my shoes. Confused!

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Shishi,
I don't think that the idea of working things out is appropriate at the moment. My belief and probably what i have learnt is that Marriage is something so serious that no man can just get into and get out of it within 3months!!!!! If this is the case with your guy then be sure that once you are married sooner or later he'll regret marrying you and do the same to you. He can't stand by his decision!!! I doubt his maturity for such a behaviour

Also as other contibutors have mentioned communication is what keeps a rship alive... so if you don't communicate properly then something bad is growing up between the 2 of you.

On the other hand if you consider that no one is perfect and see the past as a mistake then you can Forgive and get back to try to work things out and see if you can or can't get married.

Remember all we are doing here is just to give you what we think but not to decide for you. Its better wewe mwenyewe kufanya maamuzi.

Shishi,

He left u once, he will do it again! If he wants to get back with u he should start communicating and talk openly about your relationship. If he's not ready 4 that, don't even think about going back..

My dearest sister,
The men outside there have become cleverer than the hyenas themselves. It seems to me it is you who does not want to let go hence you are holding on to him. I am speaking this out of day to day experience. I am a qualified clinical psychologist - counsellor part time. I have dealt with so many women in the same situation like you. Women with degrees but stil challenged with this subject called LOVE. If a man leaves you for another woman, the first ting that should come into your mind is that you/he was never meant to be together.LET GO! The second step you must know is that if this man comes back with all this lies, he is a selfish bustard who wants his cake and eat it at the same time. So to him you are nothing but a SPARE PART. When there is hell in paradise then you are the healer but he will never go far with you. He will age gracefully with his wife and you will age miserably as his door mat. Is that what you are? Now shake yourself, pick up the pieces and move on before you raise his child alone. If at all by him marrying another woman hurt that much, then sure you should have the emotions and say I refuse to let history repeat itself. Sister, I might sound harsh but just MOVE ON! I am very outspoken when it comes to this issues. There is no way I will tell a beautiful sister like you that "give it a try". There is no trying. Get outside there looking beautiful and get the best man in the planet. A man that he can't afford to compete with. Show him that you did him a favour by being with him in the first place. Keep in touch. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

If that is the case ,why should you seek for an advise from JF. Mlianza pamoja , mkapendana , mkakoseana , mkaombana msamaha ,then what do you want? Hayo ndio maisha. Hata ukiona umeombwa msamaha ujue bado anakupenda .hayo aliyofanya ilikuwa hasira tu na confusion ya kutengana nawe.Je wewe ulitembea na mtu yeyote since that time? Sorry , but if the answer is yes .Its up to you . If it is no ,then I am sure you would be seeking for someone to fill his gap by now. Wakati mwingine sisi mademu tunajifikiria wenyewe tu .Hebu na wewe ujiulize swali .Ungekuwa yeye ungefanyaje?

yaani huyu kiumbe mwanamme, mwacheni aitwe hivyo, wanakua umri lakini si akili, pole shishi. Nimeshakumbana na issue kidogo kama yako, niliumia nikadhani nitakufa, from nowhere alirudi tena kwa mapenzi moto moto kama huyo wa kwako, sasa hivi nimesema zamu yake, namchora tu na I love you zake kibao zisizo na mwisho, yangu haipati maana nafasi nilimpa akaichezea. isitoshe sihitaji ndoa ya mtu aliyekwisha niumiza kupita kiasi maana atarudia tena.
Kumbuka daima mwanamme asikuambie kibaya cha mkewe, ni uongo mtupu my dear. kutwa kusema mabaya ya wake zao lakini hawawaachi, usije ukawa fisi anayesubiria mkono wa binadamu uanguke my dear. mbona hakukuoa wewe? hayo mapenzi ya ghafla yametoka wapi? shika anayokuambia j
Junic ni ya maana sana. sidhani kama karudi huyo, anakuchezea akili ndugu yangu, wewe ni kitulizo chake akishaudhiwa na mkewe. atakuumiza tena ukishaingia kwenye line vizuri. be careful.

Mfamaji said:

If that is the case ,why should you seek for an advise from JF. Mlianza pamoja , mkapendana , mkakoseana , mkaombana msamaha ,then what do you want? Hayo ndio maisha. Hata ukiona umeombwa msamaha ujue bado anakupenda .hayo aliyofanya ilikuwa hasira tu na confusion ya kutengana nawe.Je wewe ulitembea na mtu yeyote since that time? Sorry , but if the answer is yes .Its up to you . If it is no ,then I am sure you would be seeking for someone to fill his gap by now. Wakati mwingine sisi mademu tunajifikiria wenyewe tu .Hebu na wewe ujiulize swali .Ungekuwa yeye ungefanyaje?

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Mfamaji, vipi hapo ndugu?! yaani kwa vile mtu yamemtokea kwake na yalikuwa maamuzi yake ndiyo asitafute ushauri penginepo?!! mbona tukifanya hivi matatizo mengine katika jamii hayatatalulika... daah, tuwe wasamalia wema saa nyingine jamani.

shishi said:

he's not yet divorced kwa sababu the mama was preg. so kwa kidini huwezi kumwacha mke akiwa mjamzito. to give a short chronology, harusi Jan 07, May 07 jamaa akanza kujuta na kunitafuta, Nov 2007 mke karudi kwao, mtoto kazaliwa sasa so am waiting to see what he's going to do next.

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shishi said:

I am 31 he's 39. I forgave him, i had to move on, and when he apologised my pain eased instantly, japo its very difficult to forget, nina hofu the past will haunt us, utawezaje kusahau when somebody hurt u soo much, somebody who claimed and still claims to love u? kweli nakubali if he wants me back,i will be the one calling the shots this time around. najaribu sana kumwelewa and get to the bottom of the matter. and so am not rushing into making a decision.

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shishi said:

Ahsanteni sana kwa ushauri wenu so far,
Nilipohamia mji mwingine we didnt communicate,kwa sababu nilikuwa nimeamua kuendelea with my life, nilipopata habari za ndoa, i confronted him, i think anyone wd have done the same, i wanted to get a closure and give him a piece of my mind, which even made it worse, kwa sababu uchungu ulizidi, so eventually i decided to let go. sasa tangu aanze kuapologise he writes and calls very oftenly. we have talked more in the last couple of months than we ever did in the 3yrs. i havent seen him for over a year. Sisi wote waislamu. bado he's not divorced but he says hamtaki kabisa.i know it is also difficult if not impossible to change a person's behaviour, anasema kuwa he's working on being more open.

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Shishi, kwanza kabisa pole na karaha za hapa na pale maishani.

Ok, kwa maelezo machache niliyoona hapo, mimi naona wewe ni mtu mwenye msimamo mkali sana. Haupendi kushindwa na unaonekana una hasira fulani hivi ambayo either haujui kama unayo au unajua kuwa unayo ila unaificha makusudi tu pale unapotafuta upendacho. Shishi, utanisamehe tu kama maneno haya hayapendizi machoni au masikioni mwako.

Kwa mfano hapo juu unasema kuwa, kosa alilolitenda na wewe ukamsamehe bado linaweza kuku haunt hapo baadae; sasa mtu hapo inabidi ujiulize, je, kweli huo msamaha ni wa kweli?!!! Je wewe ni mtu wa kupenda kutumia the past as a weapon ya character assasination katika relationship?

Hapo pia naanza kuona umri kama factor mojawapo inayokufanya 'uanze kulirudia ZIMWI ULIJUALO'... IMO, naona kuna crash of personalities na kila mmoja ndani ya relationship yenu ni FAHARI, hivyo zizi la kuweza kutatua yale yanayoweza kutokea ndani linakuwa dogo kila mlipuko wa mambo unapotokea. Compromise haipo tata katika trivial things...

Hata hivyo naona lakini hope ipo, kwa vile umeamua kulivalia njuga swala hili na kulielezea hapa JF. Hii inaonesha dhamira yako ya kutatua mambo na hata kuwa na compromise katika issue mbalimbali katika uhusiano wenu.
Nakutakia mema. Happy Valentine's Day!

SteveD.

Pole sana dada. Mi nakushauri follow your heart! If you really love the guy, give him a second chance.

Iam sure ni hasira tuu lakini kuna mazuri ambayo amakutendea na wewe una feel you can build on them to raise a good family. Fuata roho yako. Kama unampenda, touch base and move one with him. Najua wengi humu wataona kwamba ni heri umuache but life is not that way. Tunahitaji kujua kwamba hakuna binadamu perfect. na isitoshe mtu wa miaka 39..ameruka mishale mingapi? kifupi ana lifestyle yake-as you do, kwa hiyo ni kueleweshana na kusaidiana. Cha muhimu ni ku0concentrate kwa yale mazuri na kuachana na yale mabaya. By the way asikuongopee mtu, kwa dada zetu umri is a huge factor. Ingawa unaweza kukubali kukataa.... Ndoa siyo suruali ya dingrizi au furungu kwamba utapima kama haikutoshi uachane nayo urudishe dukani.

Kila lakheri mpendwa.

Mi sijaoa...Lol!

shishi said:

I was in a rship with this guy for close to 3yrs. we had our share of ups and downs. though i wanted to marry him, i was afraid coz he was not open and we always had problems communicating.our rship hit the rocks due to this, he always came out defensive on very important issues about the future. So i chose to move on with my life, we didnt break up, i moved to a different city, a couple of months after i had moved, a friend of mine told me that he was getting married. I wanted to die to say the least. it was painful but i survived. now three months after he got married, he started writing to me, he apologised alot and told me how he regrets everything, that he married a woman he does not love and that he wants a second chance,anyway, to cut the story short, the wife has already left. He thinks we have a chance to make things work again. Please advice me,what wd u do if you were in my shoes. Confused!

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It seems you're in love with this gentleman. Follow your heart, if he has assured you that he is ready to change his behaviour and become more open, but at the same time you should be very careful. If possible try to find the main reason(s) why his marriage fall apart after a very short time. Every one in this World deserves a second chance, but at the same time take things very slowly and don't try to rush up anything.

Sal said:

yaani huyu kiumbe mwanamme, mwacheni aitwe hivyo, wanakua umri lakini si akili, pole shishi. Nimeshakumbana na issue kidogo kama yako, niliumia nikadhani nitakufa, from nowhere alirudi tena kwa mapenzi moto moto kama huyo wa kwako, sasa hivi nimesema zamu yake, namchora tu na I love you zake kibao zisizo na mwisho, yangu haipati maana nafasi nilimpa akaichezea. isitoshe sihitaji ndoa ya mtu aliyekwisha niumiza kupita kiasi maana atarudia tena.
Kumbuka daima mwanamme asikuambie kibaya cha mkewe, ni uongo mtupu my dear. kutwa kusema mabaya ya wake zao lakini hawawaachi, usije ukawa fisi anayesubiria mkono wa binadamu uanguke my dear. mbona hakukuoa wewe? hayo mapenzi ya ghafla yametoka wapi? shika anayokuambia j
Junic ni ya maana sana. sidhani kama karudi huyo, anakuchezea akili ndugu yangu, wewe ni kitulizo chake akishaudhiwa na mkewe. atakuumiza tena ukishaingia kwenye line vizuri. be careful.

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Ahsante Steve D. Sina roho mbaya mkuu lakini ukiangalia hoja zote zinamwambia jambo moja tu. Uamuzi anao mwenyewe .Sasa hebu ona huyu anavyowakandia wanaume wote .Hampotoshi kweli. Kila mtu anasolve matatizo yake differently.

Mfamaji said:

Ahsante Steve D. Sina roho mbaya mkuu lakini ukiangalia hoja zote zinamwambia jambo moja tu. Uamuzi anao mwenyewe .Sasa hebu ona huyu anavyowakandia wanaume wote .Hampotoshi kweli. Kila mtu anasolve matatizo yake differently.

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mimi siwakandii wanaume jamani, usinielewe vibaya mfamaji, lakini nyie wote familia moja. naona tu wanawake wamenyamaza lakini nina hakika yaliyomkuta shishi, wengi yameshawakuta yanayokaribiana na hayo. mungu katupa roho nyepesi ndio maana tunawasamehe na kuendelea au kuanza mahusiano mapya, vinginevyo mbona wengi wangejitia kitanzi.

Dada shishi,
They have said it all,what can i say?but im not supposed to stay quite,i have moja ama mbili to tell you,
Moja,
Im sure you feel him the words can explain,ndio maana ukawa na guts za kumcomfront when you had tha he is marrying,so kuwa honest,jaribu tu kumpa nafasi ya pili,mpe tu mama,maana naamini hata wewe uliwahi kumkosea,kumbuka mtoto akinyea mkono haukatwi,huosha,pls osha mkono,futa vizuri maisha yaendelee,ndivyo maisha yalivyo,umenielewa eeh?

SECOND
Ukisikia watu wametoka mbali haina maana wametembea kwa mguu toka mbagala mpaka mjini,nop,they have come across hills and valleys of events like yrs,na inaraha yake,ukisimama there at the top,na ukiangalia nyuma ulipotoka,tumepitia kote huko,ndio maisha,na ndio mapenzi yenyewe,ndio maana wenza wetu wkisafiri tunawamisi,unadhani ni mapenzi pekee?ni pamoja na vituko vyao,so baby forgive and forget,
Sasa muhimu mkishakubaliana mkapime,muanze upya,lakini pia awe wazi kueleza what happened akakuacha kwa muda na kuoa,na mlizungumze in and out,ili uweze kujua cha kusolve hapo baadae likitokea tena,maana ndio maisha na ndio mapenzi yenyewe,otherwise yakikushinda njoo kwangu?GOOD DA BABY GIRL!

I would like to dedicate this song to you Shishi, hope it cheers you up and give you a bit of a relief with the pain you are going through......

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=kl-v5bKyQQ4

Reach Out I'll Be There- The Four Tops.

Now if you feel that you can't go on
Because all of your hope is gone
And your life is filled with much confusion
Until happiness is just an illusion
And your world around is tumblin' down
Darling, reach out
Reach out, for me.
I'll be there with a love that will shelter you
I'll be there with a love that will see you through
Now when you're lost and about to give up
'cause your best just ain't good enough
and you feel the world has grown cold
and you're driftin' out all on your own
And you need a hand to hold
darling, reach out
reach out, for me.
I'll be there to love and comfort you
And I'll be there, to cherish and care for you
I'll be there to always see you through
I'll be there to to love and comfort you
I can tell the way you hang your head
That without love now, now you're afraid
And through your tears you look around
But there's no peace of mind to be found
I know what you're thinking, you're
alone now, no love of your own
Baby, reach out
Reach out for me
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I'll be there with the Love I'll see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you ...(tell me baby)
I'll be there to always see you
through...(i'll be there)
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I'll be there with the love I'll see you through.

Thanks everybody for the advice, naona nitapata mume hapa hapa JF! some of you have mentioned my age kuwa an issue, it is not, am not desparate at least not yet, bado mbichi!So jambo hili nalifikiria sana and will make up my mind. Ahsanteni tena sana na mbarikiwe.

Shishi,
Achana naye, mimi natuma maombi........

Dokta Wangu

shishi said:

Thanks everybody for the advice, naona nitapata mume hapa hapa JF! some of you have mentioned my age kuwa an issue, it is not, am not desparate at least not yet, bado mbichi!So jambo hili nalifikiria sana and will make up my mind. Ahsanteni tena sana na mbarikiwe.

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Nzokanhyilu said:

Shishi,
Achana naye, mimi natuma maombi........

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Shishi, Loooh, salaleh....😛 kumbe wewe bado mbichi!! Achana na Nzokanhyilu, wala asikuzingue kabisa... hatakuleta mapya, kwanza bado anavaa suruali za mc hammer!!


Nitafute mimi nitakaye kulinda na majangili na NYOKA wa aina zote, hakika utajikia umejisitili !! Picha ifuatayo isikutishe... ni katika ile hali ya kukabiliana na mazingira tu tuliyomo na kuwang'oa wabaya wetu...lol

Lol. Ngoja nikanywe gongo, nitarudi.

shishi said:

Thanks everybody for the advice, naona nitapata mume hapa hapa JF! some of you have mentioned my age kuwa an issue, it is not, am not desparate at least not yet, bado mbichi!So jambo hili nalifikiria sana and will make up my mind. Ahsanteni tena sana na mbarikiwe.

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Njoo kwangu, unachotaka ntakupa!! I have converted into islam tangu niliposkia mambo flani ya benefits, if you want to be my number two- you are warmly welcome darling!

SteveD atakuaibisha barabarani ohooo!!


SteveD Akikatiza Mitaani

She is Mine

Nzokanhyilu said:

SteveD atakuaibisha barabarani ohooo!!

She is Mine

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Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..... duuuuh, hiyo kali... daah, mshirika unajua kuua wewe!! lol

Nzoka, nimeirekebisha picha yako....lol