Domestic violence

bibi.com, risamehe bure rimepitwa na wakati

bibi.com said:

hapa tayari unaonyesha wewe si mwanamme maana wanaume huwa hawana hasira za kijinga na kuwapiga wake zao! mwanamme mwenye akili ni yule anayetumia busara na akhli yake kusuluhisha mambo ukiona mwenye kutumia nguvu ujue ni mpumbavu na kichwani hamnazo na nguvu ndio silaha yakd

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Hili ni jambo linalosumbua sana jamii zetu. Mimi nadhani utatuzi wa haya matatizo unaanzia kwenye makuzi yetu. Wakati mwanamke anakua anafundishwa unyonge na anaona mama jinsi anavyofanyiwa na mzee na reaction ya mama. Pia mtoto wa kiume nae anaona kuwa mwanamke ni chombo tu hivyo anaweza kumfanyia anavyotaka sababu baba alifanya hivyo. Mimi nadhani kwa kupunguza hizi domestic violencde hasa mwanamke anapoonewa ni kuielimisha jamii kuanzia kwenye familia yaani hizi familia zinazochipukia. Wanawake wanafanyiwa mengi sana hasa unapopata wasaa wa kuzungumza nao unasikia mengi wengine wanafanyiwa vitendo vichafu sana na waume zao lkn hawana pa kushtaki. Wanaogopa kuvunja ndoa zao. Nadhani nguvu kubwa iwekwe kwenye kuwaelimisha wanaume. Kumpiga mwanamke ni kumdhalilisha tu, waelekezwe njia nzuri ya kumaliza migogoro inapotokea. Najua itachukua muda mrefu sana wanaume hawa kuelewa lkn kizazi kijacho kitaelewa. Pia uwepo msaada wa kudumu kwa wamama wanaoachwa kwa kisingizio cha kudhalilisha familia sababu tu wameshare wanayotendewa na waume zao.

Kumpiga mwanamke huu ni ubabe wa hali ya juu sana na ni udhalilishaji. Jamii ikielimika wale watakaokua wanawapiga wake zao wataona aibu na mwisho tatizo litapungua kiasi flan. Na tatizo kubwa kwenye familia nyingi hakuna communication kati ya wanadoa sasa inakua vigumu kushare mambo yao mengi. Nami nimeshiriki ktk kuisaidia jamii ya mahala nilipokua naishi kulikua na matatizo haya ya kupigana na mengine lkn tulipokua tunakaa pamoja na kujadiliana kila wakati bwana wanandoa wengi tuliowatembela walibadilika kabisa na mpaka sasa wana maisha ya furaha. Wanajamii tujitolee kua tunakaa pamoja na kuzungumza na famiala hasa zile zenye matatizo kama haya. Tunapolea watotot wetu tujitahidi kuwafundisha ili wasiyatende haya tusioyapenda ktk jamii, inawezekana kabisa tukawa na jamii bora.

Roulette said:

Vitu kadhaa niligundua ni kwamba

1. mwanaume kumpiga mwanamke doesn't necessarily mean hampendi, but it certainly means ni hatari kwa mke wake.
2. Mwanamke anae mvumilia mume wake ambae ni abusive doesn't necessarily do it because she is weak and intimidated, it could also mean she had alternatives but decided to do this.
3. Jamii ina role kubwa sana ya ku-play katika kusaidia couples ku-recover from such a climate (mfano wanawake walio pata support ya familia in rural area walirecover in 2-4 month, wale walio ikosa but walipitia a psychiatrist to deal with it, in urban area walipona baada ya miaka 2)

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Nilishawahi kuandika kwenye thead nyingine kuwa pamoja na yote hayo, wapo pia wanawake wanaopenda kupigwa. Mwingine anakuhakikishia kabisa kuwa anataka kupigwa! Wapo wanaosema wanapenda kupigwa ili ku-prove kama bado wanapendwa na wapenzi wao. Tena huwezi amini hawa ni wanawake au mabinti wa kizazi cha leo. Wako baadhi ya wanawake au mabinti wanapenda na huwa wanalazimisha kupigwa kwa kufanya makosa maksudi kama njia ya kutaka kujua kama mpenzi wake anampenda.

Mpenzi wake asiponyanyua mkono, then anajua hapo hapendwi tena. Na kama mpenzi wake alikuwa na tabia ya kumpiga lakini baadae labda kwa kujifunza akaacha kumpiga ndio kabisaa. Ndiyo ataulizwa kama bado unanipenda mbona hunipigi tena?

Wapo pia wanawake au mabinti ambao wanaiga kupigwa/ulimbukeni. Wakisikia wenzao wakisimulia kuwa wamepigwa basi wanafurahi na kutamani na wao kupigwa. Basi watafanya kila wafanyalo au wawezalo ili kuhakikisha kuwa nao wanapigwa na wapenzi wao ili kujua ladha yake ikoje. Pia kuna suala la baadhi ya mabinti tena wa kizazi cha leo kutaka kuwa na the so called "bad boys" who beat them up and treat them like ****.

Sidhani kama wanawake wana-deserve kupigwa lakini, many women don't help themselves either. Wapo wanaume ambao huwa wanapiga defenceless women, lakini pia wapo wanawake who tease men into beating them up.

EMT said:

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Nilishawahi kuandika kwneye thead nyingine kuwa pamoja na yote hayo, wapo pia wanawake wanaopenda kupigwa. Mwingine anakuhakikishia kabisa kuwa anataka kupigwa! Wapo wanaosema wanapenda kupigwa ili ku-porve kama bado wanapendwa na wapenzi wao. Tena huwezi amini hawa ni wanawake au mabinti wa kizazi cha leo. Wako baadhi ya wanawake au mabinti wanapenda na huwa wanalazimisha kupigwa kwa kufanya makosa maksudi kama njia ya kutaka kujua kama mpenzi wake anampenda.

Mpenzi wake asiponyanyua mkono, then anajua hapo hapendwi tena. Na kama mpenzi wake alikuwa na tabia ya kumpiga lakini baadae labda kwa kujifunza akaacha kumpiga ndio kabisaa. Ndiyo ataulizwa kama bado unanipenda mbona hunipigi tena?

Wapo pia wanawake au mabinti ambao wanaiga kupigwa/ulimbukeni. Wakisikia wenzao wakisimulia kuwa wamepigwa basi wanafurahi na kutamani na wao kupigwa. Basi watafanya kila wafanyalo au wawezalo ili kuhakikisha kuwa nao wanapigwa na wapenzi wao ili kujua ladha yake ikoje. Pia kuna suala la baadhi ya mabinti tena wa kizazi cha leo kutaka kuwa na the so called "bad boys" who beat them up and treat them like ****.

Sidhani kama wanawake wana-deserve kupigwa lakini, many women don't help themselves either. Wapo wanaume ambao huwa wanapiga defenceless women, lakini pia wapo wanawake who tease men into beating them up.

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Sitii neno hapa. Siwezi kubisha maana dunia hii ina mambo. Najua kuna wanawake wanapenda kuzusha ubishi from nowhere just to create hali fulani ya tension. Maybe taken to extreme ndio tabia ya kutaka kupigwa tu hii?
Ukweli ni kwamba kama kuna wanaume ambao wanasolve matatizo kwa kutumia violence lazima kutakua na wanawake pia ambao wanafikiria hivohivo (kua akikosea na ikipigwa basi yameisha)

Roulette said:

Sitii neno hapa. Siwezi kubisha maana dunia hii ina mambo. Najua kuna wanawake wanapenda kuzusha ubishi from nowhere just to create hali fulani ya tension. Maybe taken to extreme ndio tabia ya kutaka kupigwa tu hii?
Ukweli ni kwamba kama kuna wanaume ambao wanasolve matatizo kwa kutumia violence lazima kutakua na wanawake pia ambao wanafikiria hivohivo (kua akikosea na ikipigwa basi yameisha)

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Kwa kuongezea domestic violence is more than just physical violence.

Domestic violence could also include psychological intimidation and controlling behaviour.

It is said that some women secretly enjoy being abused in sexual relationship, particularly the emotional abuse.

But I think a woman who enjoys being tossed around like a sack of potatoes must have a serious problem.

EMT said:

Kwa kuongezea domestic violence is more than just physical violence.

Domestic violence could also include psychological intimidation and controlling behaviour.

It is said that some women secretly enjoy being abused in sexual relationship, particularly the emotional abuse.

But I think a woman who enjoys being tossed around like a sack of potatoes must have a serious problem.

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Kuna wanawake tunao wajua na tusio wajua ambao wana fantasize about being abused. But there is a demarcation between the fantasy world and reality

Roulette said:

Kuna wanawake tunao wajua na tusio wajua ambao wana fantasize about being abused. But there is a demarcation between the fantasy world and reality

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How would the beater know such demarcation?

Roulette said:

Hizi tafiti ni za africa, na walio jibu ni waafrika. Kwa hiyo sioni hayo ya kuwahusisha wazungu yametoka wapi.
Hayo ya mwanamke kusema akipigwa ndio anapendwa nimekutana nayo pia, ila nilipotaka kuelewa nilihisi they meant display of jealousy, not the beating. Mfano walisema katika kuonesha mapenzi yao wanaume wanaruhusiwa kupandisha sauti na sometime kofi linaruhusiwa pia. Ila sio kupigana hadi mnatoana meno au kuvunjana miguu

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Naungana na Mzalendohalisi; kwamba watu wamagharibi hawawezi kutuamria jinsi ya kupenda au kutopenda wake/wapenzi wetu. Hata kama utafiti umefanyika Africa, outlook/perspective iliyotumika ni ya kimagharibi kabisa; kupenda sio tu kama unavyotaka tuamini bali kila watu na mtu wana/ana namna yake ya kupenda ambayo si lazima ukufurahishe/kukuudhi mtu mwingine. Hata neno domestic violence ni coined term yenye negative connotation katika mtazamo wa kimagharibi; Mbaya zaidi nyinyi mnaodeal na the so-called domestic violence hamtaki kutambua cultural differences, instead muna tafsiri finyu sn ya kimagharibi...Fanyeni tafiti katika tamaduni za kiafrika na katika mtazamo wa kiafrika kupata maana halisi ya hiyo kitu, otherwise kila siku mtakuwa na kesi zisizo na miguu wala vichwa...Or mtaona vitu kama hivi ndivyo vinachangia ndoa na urafiki mwingi afrika kufa na ndio mwanzo wa instabilities katika jamii zetu ambazo zaweza kupelekea mambo makubwa yA HATARI ZAIDI...NI MAWAZO YANGU TU MIMI TRADITIONALIST

Nijuavyo mimi,suala hili lina pande mbili zenye matatizo
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Ukikuta mtu anafujwa kwenye mahusiano na ameng'ang'ania humo,lazima wote watakua na matatizo kwa wote wawili,yaani anaefuja na kufujwa
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Anaefuja atakua na tatizo la kimalezi na dawa yake sio mahakama bali ushauri wa kiutambuzi.Watu wenye tabia hii ni hodari sana wa kuomba msamaha na pengine hata kulia au kuleta vijizawadi ili asamehewe
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Mtu huyu hajutii kosa lake bali hutafuta njia ya kupata tena wasaa ili amuumize tena mhusika,wanawake wanaokumbana na watu wa aina hii hujikuta wanawasamehe na kurudia tena kwenye uhusiano na watu hawa kwa kuwa ni hodari sana wa kujifaragua kuomba msamaha
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Tatizo lingine ni wanaofanyiwa ufujaji huo ambao ni wanawake,hawa nao wanakua na matatizo ya kimalezi,hawakulelewa kujiamini na wanaamini bila huyo mwanaume hawataweza kuishi
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Lakini pia wanakua na maradhi wengine ya utegemezi wa hisia,yaani anamtegemea mumewe ili ajisikie vizuri,mtu kama huyu akikutana na mwanaume unaweza kudhani unapendwa kumbe mtu ni mgonjwa,huyu atafujwa tu na hatotoka kwenye ndoa/uhusiano kwa kuwa hawezi kujitegemea kihisia!

gakato said:

Naungana na Mzalendohalisi; kwamba watu wamagharibi hawawezi kutuamria jinsi ya kupenda au kutopenda wake/wapenzi wetu. Hata kama utafiti umefanyika Africa, outlook/perspective iliyotumika ni ya kimagharibi kabisa; kupenda sio tu kama unavyotaka tuamini bali kila watu na mtu wana/ana namna yake ya kupenda ambayo si lazima ukufurahishe/kukuudhi mtu mwingine. Hata neno domestic violence ni coined term yenye negative connotation katika mtazamo wa kimagharibi; Mbaya zaidi nyinyi mnaodeal na the so-called domestic violence hamtaki kutambua cultural differences, instead muna tafsiri finyu sn ya kimagharibi...Fanyeni tafiti katika tamaduni za kiafrika na katika mtazamo wa kiafrika kupata maana halisi ya hiyo kitu, otherwise kila siku mtakuwa na kesi zisizo na miguu wala vichwa...Or mtaona vitu kama hivi ndivyo vinachangia ndoa na urafiki mwingi afrika kufa na ndio mwanzo wa instabilities katika jamii zetu ambazo zaweza kupelekea mambo makubwa yA HATARI ZAIDI...NI MAWAZO YANGU TU MIMI TRADITIONALIST

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Nimeipenda sana hii!!

Tupe definition ya mapenzi ya kiafrika basi. We would like to know the difference .

gakato said:

Naungana na Mzalendohalisi; kwamba watu wamagharibi hawawezi kutuamria jinsi ya kupenda au kutopenda wake/wapenzi wetu. Hata kama utafiti umefanyika Africa, outlook/perspective iliyotumika ni ya kimagharibi kabisa; kupenda sio tu kama unavyotaka tuamini bali kila watu na mtu wana/ana namna yake ya kupenda ambayo si lazima ukufurahishe/kukuudhi mtu mwingine. Hata neno domestic violence ni coined term yenye negative connotation katika mtazamo wa kimagharibi; Mbaya zaidi nyinyi mnaodeal na the so-called domestic violence hamtaki kutambua cultural differences, instead muna tafsiri finyu sn ya kimagharibi...Fanyeni tafiti katika tamaduni za kiafrika na katika mtazamo wa kiafrika kupata maana halisi ya hiyo kitu, otherwise kila siku mtakuwa na kesi zisizo na miguu wala vichwa...Or mtaona vitu kama hivi ndivyo vinachangia ndoa na urafiki mwingi afrika kufa na ndio mwanzo wa instabilities katika jamii zetu ambazo zaweza kupelekea mambo makubwa yA HATARI ZAIDI...NI MAWAZO YANGU TU MIMI TRADITIONALIST

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HoneyBee said:

Tupe definition ya mapenzi ya kiafrika basi. We would like to know the difference .

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Siwezi kuwa na defition moja ya mapenzi ya kiafrika kwani hapo unaongelea tamaduni nyingi; kwa mfano tu kidogo mimi kijijini KUPENDANA NA MWANAMKE ni kukutana kila wakati usiku kwenye giza vichakani; wakati nyinyi wa mjini INABIDI MKUTANE HOTEL KULA BURGER/PIZZA/ICE CREAM etc. Hawa watu domestic violence wanasema sisi wavijijini TUNAHATARISHA WANAWAKE KUPATA MADHARA KAMA YA NYOKA, UBAKAJI na vitu vingine; lakini kwetu hiki ni kitu cha kawaida; mimi wakati nakuwa mpaka sasa wanawake vijijini hata kama anakupenda vipi, hawezi kuja tu getto taa inawaka akatoa nguo ili mfanya mapenzi; mimi mwenyewe akifanya hivyo huyo malaya; lazima msumbuane sana tu na mwisho uchane nguo yake ya ndani then unapata nawe anafurahi; na aanondoka zake; sasa hawa wa domestic violence wanasema hayo sio mapenzi bali ni assault na ubakaji. Mimi naona sio kweli mkuu...we need serious research to come up with our own framework of these things otherwise we will be always trapped in western web of destabalising us as single communities, nations and continent so that they can easily hegemonically dominate us.

EMT said:

How would the beater know such demarcation?

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Some fantasies are not meant to be fulfilled.

Roulette said:

Some fantasies are not meant to be fulfilled.

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And when they're not fulfilled this could trigger the violence, particularly when one fantasies to be tossed around and the other doesn't want to do so.

Kwa kifupi, hakuna kitu kama mapenyi ya kiafrika wala mapenzi ya kizungu. Yote uliyoyaongelea ni style tofauti za courtship/dating/seduction. Zinatofautiana jamii na jamii. Unaweza ukamvua mwanamke chupi kwa nguvu Sweden kama mmekubaliana kuwa hiyo ndio courtship style yenu. Some people like it rough, all you need to is to come to an agreement of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in the bedroom.

What we can agree upon ni kuwa violence is universal. Huwezi kumkata mapanga mkeo huku akifurahia, na wewe unamuambia I love You, Baby. Kuna natural reactions za mapenzi ambazo binadamu wanazo , mfano tabasamu, busu, nuzzling, hugs/kukubatiana, etc. Wanyama wengine wanao uwezo wa kuonesha hizi hisia pia. Violent love is an oxymoron. Kama wewe ulikuwa na rafiki yako mzuri, mkakorofishana na kudundana, akakuaibisha mbele za watu je urafiki wenu unaweza kurudi kuwa kama hali ya mwanzo? Mara nyingi jibu ni hapana. Sasa why would this be a different case between men and women? Ni ile tu mmefungwa na ndoa au watoto, na mnaona jamii itawaona wa ajabu mkiachana. Lakini the fact remains once you assault someone your relationship will never be the same again.

gakato said:

Siwezi kuwa na defition moja ya mapenzi ya kiafrika kwani hapo unaongelea tamaduni nyingi; kwa mfano tu kidogo mimi kijijini KUPENDANA NA MWANAMKE ni kukutana kila wakati usiku kwenye giza vichakani; wakati nyinyi wa mjini INABIDI MKUTANE HOTEL KULA BURGER/PIZZA/ICE CREAM etc. Hawa watu domestic violence wanasema sisi wavijijini TUNAHATARISHA WANAWAKE KUPATA MADHARA KAMA YA NYOKA, UBAKAJI na vitu vingine; lakini kwetu hiki ni kitu cha kawaida; mimi wakati nakuwa mpaka sasa wanawake vijijini hata kama anakupenda vipi, hawezi kuja tu getto taa inawaka akatoa nguo ili mfanya mapenzi; mimi mwenyewe akifanya hivyo huyo malaya; lazima msumbuane sana tu na mwisho uchane nguo yake ya ndani then unapata nawe anafurahi; na aanondoka zake; sasa hawa wa domestic violence wanasema hayo sio mapenzi bali ni assault na ubakaji. Mimi naona sio kweli mkuu...we need serious research to come up with our own framework of these things otherwise we will be always trapped in western web of destabalising us as single communities, nations and continent so that they can easily hegemonically dominate us.

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gakato said:

Naungana na Mzalendohalisi; kwamba watu wamagharibi hawawezi kutuamria jinsi ya kupenda au kutopenda wake/wapenzi wetu. Hata kama utafiti umefanyika Africa, outlook/perspective iliyotumika ni ya kimagharibi kabisa; kupenda sio tu kama unavyotaka tuamini bali kila watu na mtu wana/ana namna yake ya kupenda ambayo si lazima ukufurahishe/kukuudhi mtu mwingine. Hata neno domestic violence ni coined term yenye negative connotation katika mtazamo wa kimagharibi; Mbaya zaidi nyinyi mnaodeal na the so-called domestic violence hamtaki kutambua cultural differences, instead muna tafsiri finyu sn ya kimagharibi...Fanyeni tafiti katika tamaduni za kiafrika na katika mtazamo wa kiafrika kupata maana halisi ya hiyo kitu, otherwise kila siku mtakuwa na kesi zisizo na miguu wala vichwa...Or mtaona vitu kama hivi ndivyo vinachangia ndoa na urafiki mwingi afrika kufa na ndio mwanzo wa instabilities katika jamii zetu ambazo zaweza kupelekea mambo makubwa yA HATARI ZAIDI...NI MAWAZO YANGU TU MIMI TRADITIONALIST

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hakuna jamii thabiti inayojengwa na mfumo kandamizi. Familia ndio msingi wa jamii na kama familia imesimama kwenye msingi wa domestic violence, jamii yako ina msingi mbovu na kuna siku itasambaratika tu. Na dalili mojawapo ya kusambaratika ni huu ubinafsi uliokithiri ambao karibu kila mtu anao siku hizi. Ni kwa kuwa tumetoka ktk familia zilizokosa upendo, kama Baba alikuwa anampiga mama (wakati alitakiwa kumprotect) kitu gani kinanilazimisha mimi nimpende, kumlinda na kumfikiria mtanzania wa huko Tandahimba ambaye atakufa kwa kukosa dawa hospitalini kwa sababu mimi mwajiriwa wa MSD nimecheza deal na kuuza dawa kwa wamiliki wa Pharmacy badala ya kuzipeleka zahanati huko Tandahimba?

Tatizo letu tunasahau kuwa matendo ya kila mmoja wetu Yana athari ya moja kwa moja ktk ujenzi wa jamii bora.unadhani ukimtandika mkeo makonde ni suala lako binafsi si hivyo, athari zake zitasambaa kwa jamii nzima, directly au indirectly.
Tafakari, chukua hatua.