Notes from the underground

[winston20]

NOTES FROM THE UNDERGROUND
By Fyodor Dostoevsky

Part I
___________________
*The author of the diary and the diary itself are, of course,
imaginary. Nevertheless it is clear that such persons as the
writer of these notes not only may, but positively must, exist
in our society, when we consider the circumstances in the
midst of which our society is formed. I have tried to expose
to the view of the public more distinctly than is commonly
done, one of the characters of the recent past. He is one of the
representatives of a generation still living. In this fragment,
entitled ‘Underground,’ this person introduces himself and
his views, and, as it were, tries to explain the causes owing to
which he has made his appearance and was bound to make
his appearance in our midst. In the second fragment there
are added the actual notes of this person concerning certain
events in his life. —AUTHOR’S NOTE.

I
I am a sick man. ... I am a spiteful man. I am an unattract-ive man. I believe my liver is diseased. However, I know
nothing at all about my disease, and do not know for cer-
tain what ails me. I don’t consult a doctor for it, and never
have, though I have a respect for medicine and doctors. Be-
sides, I am extremely superstitious, sufficiently so to respect
medicine, anyway (I am well-educated enough not to be su-
perstitious, but I am superstitious). No, I refuse to consult
a doctor from spite. That you probably will not understand.
Well, I understand it, though. Of course, I can’t explain who
it is precisely that I am mortifying in this case by my spite:
I am perfectly well aware that I cannot ‘pay out’ the doctors
by not consulting them; I know better than anyone that by
all this I am only injuring myself and no one else. But still,
if I don’t consult a doctor it is from spite. My liver is bad,
well—let it get worse!
I have been going on like that for a long time—twenty
years. Now I am forty. I used to be in the government ser-
vice, but am no longer. I was a spiteful official. I was rude
and took pleasure in being so. I did not take bribes, you
see, so I was bound to find a recompense in that, at least.
(A poor jest, but I will not scratch it out. I wrote it thinking
it would sound very witty; but now that I have seen myself
that I only wanted to show off in a despicable way, I will not
Notes from the Underground
scratch it out on purpose!)
When petitioners used to come for information to the
table at which I sat, I used to grind my teeth at them, and
felt intense enjoyment when I succeeded in making any-
body unhappy. I almost did succeed. For the most part they
were all timid people—of course, they were petitioners. But
of the uppish ones there was one officer in particular I could
not endure. He simply would not be humble, and clanked
his sword in a disgusting way. I carried on a feud with him
for eighteen months over that sword. At last I got the better
of him. He left off clanking it. That happened in my youth,
though. But do you know, gentlemen, what was the chief
point about my spite? Why, the whole point, the real sting of
it lay in the fact that continually, even in the moment of the
acutest spleen, I was inwardly conscious with shame that I
was not only not a spiteful but not even an embittered man,
that I was simply scaring sparrows at random and amusing
myself by it. I might foam at the mouth, but bring me a doll
to play with, give me a cup of tea with sugar in it, and maybe
I should be appeased. I might even be genuinely touched,
though probably I should grind my teeth at myself after-
wards and lie awake at night with shame for months after.
That was my way.
I was lying when I said just now that I was a spiteful of-
ficial. I was lying from spite. I was simply amusing myself
with the petitioners and with the officer, and in reality I
never could become spiteful. I was conscious every moment
in myself of many, very many elements absolutely opposite
to that. I felt them positively swarming in me, these oppo-
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site elements. I knew that they had been swarming in me
all my life and craving some outlet from me, but I would
not let them, would not let them, purposely would not let
them come out. They tormented me till I was ashamed: they
drove me to convulsions and—sickened me, at last, how
they sickened me! Now, are not you fancying, gentlemen,
that I am expressing remorse for something now, that I am
asking your forgiveness for something? I am sure you are
fancying that ... However, I assure you I do not care if you
are. ...
It was not only that I could not become spiteful, I did not
know how to become anything; neither spiteful nor kind,
neither a rascal nor an honest man, neither a hero nor an
insect. Now, I am living out my life in my corner, taunting
myself with the spiteful and useless consolation that an in-
telligent man cannot become anything seriously, and it is
only the fool who becomes anything. Yes, a man in the nine-
teenth century must and morally ought to be pre-eminently
a characterless creature; a man of character, an active man
is pre-eminently a limited creature. That is my conviction
of forty years. I am forty years old now, and you know forty
years is a whole lifetime; you know it is extreme old age. To
live longer than forty years is bad manners, is vulgar, im-
moral. Who does live beyond forty? Answer that, sincerely
and honestly I will tell you who do: fools and worthless fel-
lows. I tell all old men that to their face, all these venerable
old men, all these silver-haired and reverend seniors! I tell
the whole world that to its face! I have a right to say so, for
I shall go on living to sixty myself. To seventy! To eighty! ...
Notes from the Underground
Stay, let me take breath ...
You imagine no doubt, gentlemen, that I want to amuse
you. You are mistaken in that, too. I am by no means such
a mirthful person as you imagine, or as you may imagine;
however, irritated by all this babble (and I feel that you are
irritated) you think fit to ask me who I am—then my answer
is, I am a collegiate assessor. I was in the service that I might
have something to eat (and solely for that reason), and when
last year a distant relation left me six thousand roubles in
his will I immediately retired from the service and settled
down in my corner. I used to live in this corner before, but
now I have settled down in it. My room is a wretched, hor-
rid one in the outskirts of the town. My servant is an old
country- woman, ill-natured from stupidity, and, moreover,
there is always a nasty smell about her. I am told that the
Petersburg climate is bad for me, and that with my small
means it is very expensive to live in Petersburg. I know all
that better than all these sage and experienced counsellors
and monitors. ... But I am remaining in Petersburg; I am not
going away from Petersburg! I am not going away because
... ech! Why, it is absolutely no matter whether I am going
away or not going away.
But what can a decent man speak of with most pleasure?
Answer: Of himself.
Well, so I will talk about myself.

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[winston20]

II
I want now to tell you, gentlemen, whether you care to hear it or not, why I could not even become an insect. I tell you
solemnly, that I have many times tried to become an insect.
But I was not equal even to that. I swear, gentlemen, that to
be too conscious is an illness—a real thorough-going illness.
For man’s everyday needs, it would have been quite enough
to have the ordinary human consciousness, that is, half or a
quarter of the amount which falls to the lot of a cultivated
man of our unhappy nineteenth century, especially one who
has the fatal ill-luck to inhabit Petersburg, the most theo-
retical and intentional town on the whole terrestrial globe.
(There are intentional and unintentional towns.) It would
have been quite enough, for instance, to have the conscious-
ness by which all so-called direct persons and men of action
live. I bet you think I am writing all this from affectation, to
be witty at the expense of men of action; and what is more,
that from ill-bred affectation, I am clanking a sword like my
officer. But, gentlemen, whoever can pride himself on his
diseases and even swagger over them?
Though, after all, everyone does do that; people do pride
themselves on their diseases, and I do, may be, more than
anyone. We will not dispute it; my contention was absurd.
But yet I am firmly persuaded that a great deal of conscious-
ness, every sort of consciousness, in fact, is a disease. I stick
Notes from the Underground
to that. Let us leave that, too, for a minute. Tell me this: why
does it happen that at the very, yes, at the very moments
when I am most capable of feeling every refinement of all
that is ‘sublime and beautiful,’ as they used to say at one
time, it would, as though of design, happen to me not only
to feel but to do such ugly things, such that ... Well, in short,
actions that all, perhaps, commit; but which, as though pur-
posely, occurred to me at the very time when I was most
conscious that they ought not to be committed. The more
conscious I was of goodness and of all that was ‘sublime
and beautiful,’ the more deeply I sank into my mire and the
more ready I was to sink in it altogether. But the chief point
was that all this was, as it were, not accidental in me, but
as though it were bound to be so. It was as though it were
my most normal condition, and not in the least disease or
depravity, so that at last all desire in me to struggle against
this depravity passed. It ended by my almost believing (per-
haps actually believing) that this was perhaps my normal
condition. But at first, in the beginning, what agonies I en-
dured in that struggle! I did not believe it was the same with
other people, and all my life I hid this fact about myself as
a secret. I was ashamed (even now, perhaps, I am ashamed):
I got to the point of feeling a sort of secret abnormal, despi-
cable enjoyment in returning home to my corner on some
disgusting Petersburg night, acutely conscious that that day
I had committed a loathsome action again, that what was
done could never be undone, and secretly, inwardly gnaw-
ing, gnawing at myself for it, tearing and consuming myself
till at last the bitterness turned into a sort of shameful ac-
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cursed sweetness, and at last—into positive real enjoyment!
Yes, into enjoyment, into enjoyment! I insist upon that. I
have spoken of this because I keep wanting to know for a fact
whether other people feel such enjoyment? I will explain;
the enjoyment was just from the too intense consciousness
of one’s own degradation; it was from feeling oneself that
one had reached the last barrier, that it was horrible, but
that it could not be otherwise; that there was no escape for
you; that you never could become a different man; that even
if time and faith were still left you to change into something
different you would most likely not wish to change; or if you
did wish to, even then you would do nothing; because per-
haps in reality there was nothing for you to change into.
And the worst of it was, and the root of it all, that it was all
in accord with the normal fundamental laws of over-acute
consciousness, and with the inertia that was the direct re-
sult of those laws, and that consequently one was not only
unable to change but could do absolutely nothing. Thus it
would follow, as the result of acute consciousness, that one
is not to blame in being a scoundrel; as though that were
any consolation to the scoundrel once he has come to re-
alise that he actually is a scoundrel. But enough. ... Ech, I
have talked a lot of nonsense, but what have I explained?
How is enjoyment in this to be explained? But I will explain
it. I will get to the bottom of it! That is why I have taken up
my pen. ...
I, for instance, have a great deal of AMOUR PROPRE. I
am as suspicious and prone to take offence as a humpback or
a dwarf. But upon my word I sometimes have had moments
Notes from the Underground10
when if I had happened to be slapped in the face I should,
perhaps, have been positively glad of it. I say, in earnest, that
I should probably have been able to discover even in that
a peculiar sort of enjoyment—the enjoyment, of course, of
despair; but in despair there are the most intense enjoy-
ments, especially when one is very acutely conscious of the
hopelessness of one’s position. And when one is slapped in
the face—why then the consciousness of being rubbed into
a pulp would positively overwhelm one. The worst of it is,
look at it which way one will, it still turns out that I was
always the most to blame in everything. And what is most
humiliating of all, to blame for no fault of my own but, so to
say, through the laws of nature. In the first place, to blame
because I am cleverer than any of the people surrounding
me. (I have always considered myself cleverer than any of
the people surrounding me, and sometimes, would you be-
lieve it, have been positively ashamed of it. At any rate, I
have all my life, as it were, turned my eyes away and never
could look people straight in the face.) To blame, finally, be-
cause even if I had had magnanimity, I should only have had
more suffering from the sense of its uselessness. I should
certainly have never been able to do anything from being
magnanimous—neither to forgive, for my assailant would
perhaps have slapped me from the laws of nature, and one
cannot forgive the laws of nature; nor to forget, for even if it
were owing to the laws of nature, it is insulting all the same.
Finally, even if I had wanted to be anything but magnani-
mous, had desired on the contrary to revenge myself on my
assailant, I could not have revenged myself on any one for
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anything because I should certainly never have made up my
mind to do anything, even if I had been able to. Why should
I not have made up my mind? About that in particular I
want to say a few words.

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[winston20]

III
With people who know how to revenge themselves and to stand up for themselves in general, how is it done?
Why, when they are possessed, let us suppose, by the feeling
of revenge, then for the time there is nothing else but that
feeling left in their whole being. Such a gentleman simply
dashes straight for his object like an infuriated bull with its
horns down, and nothing but a wall will stop him. (By the
way: facing the wall, such gentlemen—that is, the ‘direct’
persons and men of action—are genuinely nonplussed. For
them a wall is not an evasion, as for us people who think
and consequently do nothing; it is not an excuse for turning
aside, an excuse for which we are always very glad, though
we scarcely believe in it ourselves, as a rule. No, they are
nonplussed in all sincerity. The wall has for them some-
thing tranquillising, morally soothing, final— maybe even
something mysterious ... but of the wall later.)
Well, such a direct person I regard as the real normal man,
as his tender mother nature wished to see him when she
graciously brought him into being on the earth. I envy such
a man till I am green in the face. He is stupid. I am not dis-
puting that, but perhaps the normal man should be stupid,
how do you know? Perhaps it is very beautiful, in fact. And
I am the more persuaded of that suspicion, if one can call
it so, by the fact that if you take, for instance, the antithesis
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of the normal man, that is, the man of acute consciousness,
who has come, of course, not out of the lap of nature but
out of a retort (this is almost mysticism, gentlemen, but I
suspect this, too), this retort-made man is sometimes so
nonplussed in the presence of his antithesis that with all his
exaggerated consciousness he genuinely thinks of himself
as a mouse and not a man. It may be an acutely conscious
mouse, yet it is a mouse, while the other is a man, and there-
fore, et caetera, et caetera. And the worst of it is, he himself,
his very own self, looks on himself as a mouse; no one asks
him to do so; and that is an important point. Now let us
look at this mouse in action. Let us suppose, for instance,
that it feels insulted, too (and it almost always does feel in-
sulted), and wants to revenge itself, too. There may even be
a greater accumulation of spite in it than in L’HOMME DE
LA NATURE ET DE LA VERITE. The base and nasty de-
sire to vent that spite on its assailant rankles perhaps even
more nastily in it than in L’HOMME DE LA NATURE ET
DE LA VERITE. For through his innate stupidity the lat-
ter looks upon his revenge as justice pure and simple; while
in consequence of his acute consciousness the mouse does
not believe in the justice of it. To come at last to the deed
itself, to the very act of revenge. Apart from the one funda-
mental nastiness the luckless mouse succeeds in creating
around it so many other nastinesses in the form of doubts
and questions, adds to the one question so many unsettled
questions that there inevitably works up around it a sort of
fatal brew, a stinking mess, made up of its doubts, emotions,
and of the contempt spat upon it by the direct men of ac-
Notes from the Underground1
tion who stand solemnly about it as judges and arbitrators,
laughing at it till their healthy sides ache. Of course the only
thing left for it is to dismiss all that with a wave of its paw,
and, with a smile of assumed contempt in which it does not
even itself believe, creep ignominiously into its mouse-hole.
There in its nasty, stinking, underground home our insulted,
crushed and ridiculed mouse promptly becomes absorbed
in cold, malignant and, above all, everlasting spite. For for-
ty years together it will remember its injury down to the
smallest, most ignominious details, and every time will add,
of itself, details still more ignominious, spitefully teasing
and tormenting itself with its own imagination. It will it-
self be ashamed of its imaginings, but yet it will recall it
all, it will go over and over every detail, it will invent un-
heard of things against itself, pretending that those things
might happen, and will forgive nothing. Maybe it will be-
gin to revenge itself, too, but, as it were, piecemeal, in trivial
ways, from behind the stove, incognito, without believing
either in its own right to vengeance, or in the success of its
revenge, knowing that from all its efforts at revenge it will
suffer a hundred times more than he on whom it revenges
itself, while he, I daresay, will not even scratch himself. On
its deathbed it will recall it all over again, with interest ac-
cumulated over all the years and ...
But it is just in that cold, abominable half despair, half
belief, in that conscious burying oneself alive for grief in the
underworld for forty years, in that acutely recognised and
yet partly doubtful hopelessness of one’s position, in that
hell of unsatisfied desires turned inward, in that fever of
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oscillations, of resolutions determined for ever and repent-
ed of again a minute later—that the savour of that strange
enjoyment of which I have spoken lies. It is so subtle, so
difficult of analysis, that persons who are a little limited, or
even simply persons of strong nerves, will not understand
a single atom of it. ‘Possibly,’ you will add on your own ac-
count with a grin, ‘people will not understand it either who
have never received a slap in the face,’ and in that way you
will politely hint to me that I, too, perhaps, have had the ex-
perience of a slap in the face in my life, and so I speak as one
who knows. I bet that you are thinking that. But set your
minds at rest, gentlemen, I have not received a slap in the
face, though it is absolutely a matter of indifference to me
what you may think about it. Possibly, I even regret, myself,
that I have given so few slaps in the face during my life. But
enough ... not another word on that subject of such extreme
interest to you.
I will continue calmly concerning persons with strong
nerves who do not understand a certain refinement of en-
joyment. Though in certain circumstances these gentlemen
bellow their loudest like bulls, though this, let us suppose,
does them the greatest credit, yet, as I have said already,
confronted with the impossible they subside at once. The
impossible means the stone wall! What stone wall? Why, of
course, the laws of nature, the deductions of natural science,
mathematics. As soon as they prove to you, for instance,
that you are descended from a monkey, then it is no use
scowling, accept it for a fact. When they prove to you that in
reality one drop of your own fat must be dearer to you than
Notes from the Underground1
a hundred thousand of your fellow-creatures, and that this
conclusion is the final solution of all so-called virtues and
duties and all such prejudices and fancies, then you have
just to accept it, there is no help for it, for twice two is a law
of mathematics. Just try refuting it.
‘Upon my word, they will shout at you, it is no use pro-
testing: it is a case of twice two makes four! Nature does not
ask your permission, she has nothing to do with your wish-
es, and whether you like her laws or dislike them, you are
bound to accept her as she is, and consequently all her con-
clusions. A wall, you see, is a wall ... and so on, and so on.’
Merciful Heavens! but what do I care for the laws of na-
ture and arithmetic, when, for some reason I dislike those
laws and the fact that twice two makes four? Of course I
cannot break through the wall by battering my head against
it if I really have not the strength to knock it down, but I am
not going to be reconciled to it simply because it is a stone
wall and I have not the strength.
As though such a stone wall really were a consolation,
and really did contain some word of conciliation, simply
because it is as true as twice two makes four. Oh, absur-
dity of absurdities! How much better it is to understand it
all, to recognise it all, all the impossibilities and the stone
wall; not to be reconciled to one of those impossibilities and
stone walls if it disgusts you to be reconciled to it; by the
way of the most inevitable, logical combinations to reach
the most revolting conclusions on the everlasting theme,
that even for the stone wall you are yourself somehow to
blame, though again it is as clear as day you are not to blame
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in the least, and therefore grinding your teeth in silent im-
potence to sink into luxurious inertia, brooding on the fact
that there is no one even for you to feel vindictive against,
that you have not, and perhaps never will have, an object for
your spite, that it is a sleight of hand, a bit of juggling, a card-
sharper’s trick, that it is simply a mess, no knowing what
and no knowing who, but in spite of all these uncertainties
and jugglings, still there is an ache in you, and the more you
do not know, the worse the ache.

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[winston20]

IV
‘Ha, ha, ha! You will be finding enjoyment in toothache next,’ you cry, with a laugh.
‘Well, even in toothache there is enjoyment,’ I answer. I
had toothache for a whole month and I know there is. In
that case, of course, people are not spiteful in silence, but
moan; but they are not candid moans, they are malignant
moans, and the malignancy is the whole point. The enjoy-
ment of the sufferer finds expression in those moans; if he
did not feel enjoyment in them he would not moan. It is
a good example, gentlemen, and I will develop it. Those
moans express in the first place all the aimlessness of your
pain, which is so humiliating to your consciousness; the
whole legal system of nature on which you spit disdainfully,
of course, but from which you suffer all the same while she
does not. They express the consciousness that you have no
enemy to punish, but that you have pain; the consciousness
that in spite of all possible Wagenheims you are in com-
plete slavery to your teeth; that if someone wishes it, your
teeth will leave off aching, and if he does not, they will go
on aching another three months; and that finally if you are
still contumacious and still protest, all that is left you for
your own gratification is to thrash yourself or beat your
wall with your fist as hard as you can, and absolutely noth-
ing more. Well, these mortal insults, these jeers on the part
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of someone unknown, end at last in an enjoyment which
sometimes reaches the highest degree of voluptuousness. I
ask you, gentlemen, listen sometimes to the moans of an
educated man of the nineteenth century suffering from
toothache, on the second or third day of the attack, when
he is beginning to moan, not as he moaned on the first day,
that is, not simply because he has toothache, not just as any
coarse peasant, but as a man affected by progress and Eu-
ropean civilisation, a man who is ‘divorced from the soil
and the national elements,’ as they express it now-a-days.
His moans become nasty, disgustingly malignant, and go
on for whole days and nights. And of course he knows
himself that he is doing himself no sort of good with his
moans; he knows better than anyone that he is only lacerat-
ing and harassing himself and others for nothing; he knows
that even the audience before whom he is making his ef-
forts, and his whole family, listen to him with loathing, do
not put a ha’porth of faith in him, and inwardly understand
that he might moan differently, more simply, without trills
and flourishes, and that he is only amusing himself like
that from ill-humour, from malignancy. Well, in all these
recognitions and disgraces it is that there lies a voluptuous
pleasure. As though he would say: ‘I am worrying you, I am
lacerating your hearts, I am keeping everyone in the house
awake. Well, stay awake then, you, too, feel every minute
that I have toothache. I am not a hero to you now, as I tried
to seem before, but simply a nasty person, an impostor.
Well, so be it, then! I am very glad that you see through me.
It is nasty for you to hear my despicable moans: well, let it
Notes from the Underground 0
be nasty; here I will let you have a nastier flourish in a min-
ute. ...’ You do not understand even now, gentlemen? No, it
seems our development and our consciousness must go fur-
ther to understand all the intricacies of this pleasure. You
laugh? Delighted. My jests, gentlemen, are of course in bad
taste, jerky, involved, lacking self-confidence. But of course
that is because I do not respect myself. Can a man of per-
ception respect himself at all?

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[winston20]

V
Come, can a man who attempts to find enjoyment in the very feeling of his own degradation possibly have
a spark of respect for himself? I am not saying this now
from any mawkish kind of remorse. And, indeed, I could
never endure saying, ‘Forgive me, Papa, I won’t do it again,’
not because I am incapable of saying that—on the con-
trary, perhaps just because I have been too capable of it, and
in what a way, too. As though of design I used to get into
trouble in cases when I was not to blame in any way. That
was the nastiest part of it. At the same time I was genuinely
touched and penitent, I used to shed tears and, of course,
deceived myself, though I was not acting in the least and
there was a sick feeling in my heart at the time. ... For that
one could not blame even the laws of nature, though the
laws of nature have continually all my life offended me
more than anything. It is loathsome to remember it all, but
it was loathsome even then. Of course, a minute or so later
I would realise wrathfully that it was all a lie, a revolting
lie, an affected lie, that is, all this penitence, this emotion,
these vows of reform. You will ask why did I worry myself
with such antics: answer, because it was very dull to sit with
one’s hands folded, and so one began cutting capers. That
is really it. Observe yourselves more carefully, gentlemen,
then you will understand that it is so. I invented adventures
Notes from the Underground
for myself and made up a life, so as at least to live in some
way. How many times it has happened to me—well, for in-
stance, to take offence simply on purpose, for nothing; and
one knows oneself, of course, that one is offended at noth-
ing; that one is putting it on, but yet one brings oneself at
last to the point of being really offended. All my life I have
had an impulse to play such pranks, so that in the end I
could not control it in myself. Another time, twice, in fact,
I tried hard to be in love. I suffered, too, gentlemen, I as-
sure you. In the depth of my heart there was no faith in my
suffering, only a faint stir of mockery, but yet I did suffer,
and in the real, orthodox way; I was jealous, beside myself
... and it was all from ENNUI, gentlemen, all from ENNUI;
inertia overcame me. You know the direct, legitimate fruit
of consciousness is inertia, that is, conscious sitting-with-
the-hands-folded. I have referred to this already. I repeat, I
repeat with emphasis: all ‘direct’ persons and men of action
are active just because they are stupid and limited. How ex-
plain that? I will tell you: in consequence of their limitation
they take immediate and secondary causes for primary ones,
and in that way persuade themselves more quickly and eas-
ily than other people do that they have found an infallible
foundation for their activity, and their minds are at ease and
you know that is the chief thing. To begin to act, you know,
you must first have your mind completely at ease and no
trace of doubt left in it. Why, how am I, for example, to set
my mind at rest? Where are the primary causes on which I
am to build? Where are my foundations? Where am I to get
them from? I exercise myself in reflection, and consequent-
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ly with me every primary cause at once draws after itself
another still more primary, and so on to infinity. That is just
the essence of every sort of consciousness and reflection. It
must be a case of the laws of nature again. What is the re-
sult of it in the end? Why, just the same. Remember I spoke
just now of vengeance. (I am sure you did not take it in.) I
said that a man revenges himself because he sees justice in
it. Therefore he has found a primary cause, that is, justice.
And so he is at rest on all sides, and consequently he carries
out his revenge calmly and successfully, being persuaded
that he is doing a just and honest thing. But I see no justice
in it, I find no sort of virtue in it either, and consequently if
I attempt to revenge myself, it is only out of spite. Spite, of
course, might overcome everything, all my doubts, and so
might serve quite successfully in place of a primary cause,
precisely because it is not a cause. But what is to be done if I
have not even spite (I began with that just now, you know).
In consequence again of those accursed laws of conscious-
ness, anger in me is subject to chemical disintegration. You
look into it, the object flies off into air, your reasons evapo-
rate, the criminal is not to be found, the wrong becomes not
a wrong but a phantom, something like the toothache, for
which no one is to blame, and consequently there is only the
same outlet left again—that is, to beat the wall as hard as
you can. So you give it up with a wave of the hand because
you have not found a fundamental cause. And try letting
yourself be carried away by your feelings, blindly, without
reflection, without a primary cause, repelling conscious-
ness at least for a time; hate or love, if only not to sit with
Notes from the Underground
your hands folded. The day after tomorrow, at the latest, you
will begin despising yourself for having knowingly deceived
yourself. Result: a soap-bubble and inertia. Oh, gentlemen,
do you know, perhaps I consider myself an intelligent man,
only because all my life I have been able neither to begin
nor to finish anything. Granted I am a babbler, a harmless
vexatious babbler, like all of us. But what is to be done if the
direct and sole vocation of every intelligent man is babble,
that is, the intentional pouring of water through a sieve?

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[winston20]

VI
Oh, if I had done nothing simply from laziness! Heavens, how I should have respected myself, then. I should have
respected myself because I should at least have been capable
of being lazy; there would at least have been one quality, as
it were, positive in me, in which I could have believed my-
self. Question: What is he? Answer: A sluggard; how very
pleasant it would have been to hear that of oneself! It would
mean that I was positively defined, it would mean that there
was something to say about me. ‘Sluggard’—why, it is a call-
ing and vocation, it is a career. Do not jest, it is so. I should
then be a member of the best club by right, and should find
my occupation in continually respecting myself. I knew a
gentleman who prided himself all his life on being a con-
noisseur of Lafitte. He considered this as his positive virtue,
and never doubted himself. He died, not simply with a tran-
quil, but with a triumphant conscience, and he was quite
right, too. Then I should have chosen a career for myself,
I should have been a sluggard and a glutton, not a simple
one, but, for instance, one with sympathies for everything
sublime and beautiful. How do you like that? I have long
had visions of it. That ‘sublime and beautiful’ weighs heav-
ily on my mind at forty But that is at forty; then—oh, then
it would have been different! I should have found for myself
a form of activity in keeping with it, to be precise, drink-
Notes from the Underground
ing to the health of everything ‘sublime and beautiful.’ I
should have snatched at every opportunity to drop a tear
into my glass and then to drain it to all that is ‘sublime and
beautiful.’ I should then have turned everything into the
sublime and the beautiful; in the nastiest, unquestionable
trash, I should have sought out the sublime and the beauti-
ful. I should have exuded tears like a wet sponge. An artist,
for instance, paints a picture worthy of Gay. At once I drink
to the health of the artist who painted the picture worthy
of Gay, because I love all that is ‘sublime and beautiful.’ An
author has written AS YOU WILL: at once I drink to the
health of ‘anyone you will’ because I love all that is ‘sublime
and beautiful.’
I should claim respect for doing so. I should persecute
anyone who would not show me respect. I should live at
ease, I should die with dignity, why, it is charming, perfect-
ly charming! And what a good round belly I should have
grown, what a treble chin I should have established, what a
ruby nose I should have coloured for myself, so that every-
one would have said, looking at me: ‘Here is an asset! Here
is something real and solid!’ And, say what you like, it is
very agreeable to hear such remarks about oneself in this
negative age.

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[Chaliifrancisco]

Classic work.

 

[winston20]

VII
But these are all golden dreams. Oh, tell me, who was it first announced, who was it first proclaimed, that man
only does nasty things because he does not know his own
interests; and that if he were enlightened, if his eyes were
opened to his real normal interests, man would at once
cease to do nasty things, would at once become good and
noble because, being enlightened and understanding his
real advantage, he would see his own advantage in the good
and nothing else, and we all know that not one man can,
consciously, act against his own interests, consequently, so
to say, through necessity, he would begin doing good? Oh,
the babe! Oh, the pure, innocent child! Why, in the first
place, when in all these thousands of years has there been a
time when man has acted only from his own interest? What
is to be done with the millions of facts that bear witness that
men, CONSCIOUSLY, that is fully understanding their real
interests, have left them in the background and have rushed
headlong on another path, to meet peril and danger, com-
pelled to this course by nobody and by nothing, but, as it
were, simply disliking the beaten track, and have obstinate-
ly, wilfully, struck out another difficult, absurd way, seeking
it almost in the darkness. So, I suppose, this obstinacy and
perversity were pleasanter to them than any advantage. ...
Advantage! What is advantage? And will you take it upon
Notes from the Underground
yourself to define with perfect accuracy in what the advan-
tage of man consists? And what if it so happens that a man’s
advantage, SOMETIMES, not only may, but even must,
consist in his desiring in certain cases what is harmful to
himself and not advantageous. And if so, if there can be
such a case, the whole principle falls into dust. What do you
think—are there such cases? You laugh; laugh away, gentle-
men, but only answer me: have man’s advantages been
reckoned up with perfect certainty? Are there not some
which not only have not been included but cannot possibly
be included under any classification? You see, you gentle-
men have, to the best of my knowledge, taken your whole
register of human advantages from the averages of statisti-
cal figures and politico-economical formulas. Your
advantages are prosperity, wealth, freedom, peace—and so
on, and so on. So that the man who should, for instance, go
openly and knowingly in opposition to all that list would to
your thinking, and indeed mine, too, of course, be an ob-
scurantist or an absolute madman: would not he? But, you
know, this is what is surprising: why does it so happen that
all these statisticians, sages and lovers of humanity, when
they reckon up human advantages invariably leave out one?
They don’t even take it into their reckoning in the form in
which it should be taken, and the whole reckoning depends
upon that. It would be no greater matter, they would simply
have to take it, this advantage, and add it to the list. But the
trouble is, that this strange advantage does not fall under
any classification and is not in place in any list. I have a
friend for instance ... Ech! gentlemen, but of course he is
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your friend, too; and indeed there is no one, no one to whom
he is not a friend! When he prepares for any undertaking
this gentleman immediately explains to you, elegantly and
clearly, exactly how he must act in accordance with the laws
of reason and truth. What is more, he will talk to you with
excitement and passion of the true normal interests of man;
with irony he will upbraid the short- sighted fools who do
not understand their own interests, nor the true signifi-
cance of virtue; and, within a quarter of an hour, without
any sudden outside provocation, but simply through some-
thing inside him which is stronger than all his interests, he
will go off on quite a different tack—that is, act in direct op-
position to what he has just been saying about himself, in
opposition to the laws of reason, in opposition to his own
advantage, in fact in opposition to everything ... I warn you
that my friend is a compound personality and therefore it is
difficult to blame him as an individual. The fact is, gentle-
men, it seems there must really exist something that is
dearer to almost every man than his greatest advantages, or
(not to be illogical) there is a most advantageous advantage
(the very one omitted of which we spoke just now) which is
more important and more advantageous than all other ad-
vantages, for the sake of which a man if necessary is ready
to act in opposition to all laws; that is, in opposition to rea-
son, honour, peace, prosperity—in fact, in opposition to all
those excellent and useful things if only he can attain that
fundamental, most advantageous advantage which is dear-
er to him than all. ‘Yes, but it’s advantage all the same,’ you
will retort. But excuse me, I’ll make the point clear, and it is
Notes from the Underground 0
not a case of playing upon words. What matters is, that this
advantage is remarkable from the very fact that it breaks
down all our classifications, and continually shatters every
system constructed by lovers of mankind for the benefit of
mankind. In fact, it upsets everything. But before I mention
this advantage to you, I want to compromise myself person-
ally, and therefore I boldly declare that all these fine systems,
all these theories for explaining to mankind their real nor-
mal interests, in order that inevitably striving to pursue
these interests they may at once become good and noble—
are, in my opinion, so far, mere logical exercises! Yes, logical
exercises. Why, to maintain this theory of the regeneration
of mankind by means of the pursuit of his own advantage is
to my mind almost the same thing ... as to affirm, for in-
stance, following Buckle, that through civilisation mankind
becomes softer, and consequently less bloodthirsty and less
fitted for warfare. Logically it does seem to follow from his
arguments. But man has such a predilection for systems
and abstract deductions that he is ready to distort the truth
intentionally, he is ready to deny the evidence of his senses
only to justify his logic. I take this example because it is the
most glaring instance of it. Only look about you: blood is
being spilt in streams, and in the merriest way, as though it
were champagne. Take the whole of the nineteenth century
in which Buckle lived. Take Napoleon—the Great and also
the present one. Take North America—the eternal union.
Take the farce of Schleswig-Holstein .... And what is it that
civilisation softens in us? The only gain of civilisation for
mankind is the greater capacity for variety of sensations—
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and absolutely nothing more. And through the development
of this many- sidedness man may come to finding enjoy-
ment in bloodshed. In fact, this has already happened to
him. Have you noticed that it is the most civilised gentle-
men who have been the subtlest slaughterers, to whom the
Attilas and Stenka Razins could not hold a candle, and if
they are not so conspicuous as the Attilas and Stenka Ra-
zins it is simply because they are so often met with, are so
ordinary and have become so familiar to us. In any case ci-
vilisation has made mankind if not more bloodthirsty, at
least more vilely, more loathsomely bloodthirsty. In old
days he saw justice in bloodshed and with his conscience at
peace exterminated those he thought proper. Now we do
think bloodshed abominable and yet we engage in this
abomination, and with more energy than ever. Which is
worse? Decide that for yourselves. They say that Cleopatra
(excuse an instance from Roman history) was fond of stick-
ing gold pins into her slave-girls’ breasts and derived
gratification from their screams and writhings. You will say
that that was in the comparatively barbarous times; that
these are barbarous times too, because also, comparatively
speaking, pins are stuck in even now; that though man has
now learned to see more clearly than in barbarous ages, he
is still far from having learnt to act as reason and science
would dictate. But yet you are fully convinced that he will
be sure to learn when he gets rid of certain old bad habits,
and when common sense and science have completely re-
educated human nature and turned it in a normal direction.
You are confident that then man will cease from INTEN-
Notes from the Underground
TIONAL error and will, so to say, be compelled not to want
to set his will against his normal interests. That is not all;
then, you say, science itself will teach man (though to my
mind it’s a superfluous luxury) that he never has really had
any caprice or will of his own, and that he himself is some-
thing of the nature of a piano-key or the stop of an organ,
and that there are, besides, things called the laws of nature;
so that everything he does is not done by his willing it, but
is done of itself, by the laws of nature. Consequently we
have only to discover these laws of nature, and man will no
longer have to answer for his actions and life will become
exceedingly easy for him. All human actions will then, of
course, be tabulated according to these laws, mathematical-
ly, like tables of logarithms up to 108,000, and entered in an
index; or, better still, there would be published certain edi-
fying works of the nature of encyclopaedic lexicons, in
which everything will be so clearly calculated and explained
that there will be no more incidents or adventures in the
world.
Then—this is all what you say—new economic relations
will be established, all ready-made and worked out with
mathematical exactitude, so that every possible question
will vanish in the twinkling of an eye, simply because every
possible answer to it will be provided. Then the ‘Palace of
Crystal’ will be built. Then ... In fact, those will be halcyon
days. Of course there is no guaranteeing (this is my com-
ment) that it will not be, for instance, frightfully dull then
(for what will one have to do when everything will be cal-
culated and tabulated), but on the other hand everything
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will be extraordinarily rational. Of course boredom may
lead you to anything. It is boredom sets one sticking golden
pins into people, but all that would not matter. What is bad
(this is my comment again) is that I dare say people will be
thankful for the gold pins then. Man is stupid, you know,
phenomenally stupid; or rather he is not at all stupid, but
he is so ungrateful that you could not find another like him
in all creation. I, for instance, would not be in the least sur-
prised if all of a sudden, A PROPOS of nothing, in the midst
of general prosperity a gentleman with an ignoble, or rather
with a reactionary and ironical, countenance were to arise
and, putting his arms akimbo, say to us all: ‘I say, gentle-
man, hadn’t we better kick over the whole show and scatter
rationalism to the winds, simply to send these logarithms
to the devil, and to enable us to live once more at our own
sweet foolish will!’ That again would not matter, but what is
annoying is that he would be sure to find followers—such
is the nature of man. And all that for the most foolish rea-
son, which, one would think, was hardly worth mentioning:
that is, that man everywhere and at all times, whoever he
may be, has preferred to act as he chose and not in the least
as his reason and advantage dictated. And one may choose
what is contrary to one’s own interests, and sometimes one
POSITIVELY OUGHT (that is my idea). One’s own free un-
fettered choice, one’s own caprice, however wild it may be,
one’s own fancy worked up at times to frenzy—is that very
‘most advantageous advantage’ which we have overlooked,
which comes under no classification and against which all
systems and theories are continually being shattered to at-
Notes from the Underground
oms. And how do these wiseacres know that man wants a
normal, a virtuous choice? What has made them conceive
that man must want a rationally advantageous choice?
What man wants is simply INDEPENDENT choice, what-
ever that independence may cost and wherever it may lead.
And choice, of course, the devil only knows what choice.

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[winston20]

IX
Gentlemen, I am joking, and I know myself that my jokes are not brilliant,but you know one can take ev-
erything as a joke. I am, perhaps, jesting against the grain.
Gentlemen, I am tormented by questions; answer them for
me. You, for instance, want to cure men of their old habits
and reform their will in accordance with science and good
sense. But how do you know, not only that it is possible, but
also that it is DESIRABLE to reform man in that way? And
what leads you to the conclusion that man’s inclinations
NEED reforming? In short, how do you know that such a
reformation will be a benefit to man? And to go to the root
of the matter, why are you so positively convinced that not
to act against his real normal interests guaranteed by the
conclusions of reason and arithmetic is certainly always ad-
vantageous for man and must always be a law for mankind?
So far, you know, this is only your supposition. It may be the
law of logic, but not the law of humanity. You think, gentle-
men, perhaps that I am mad? Allow me to defend myself. I
agree that man is pre-eminently a creative animal, predes-
tined to strive consciously for an object and to engage in
engineering—that is, incessantly and eternally to make new
roads, WHEREVER THEY MAY LEAD. But the reason why
he wants sometimes to go off at a tangent may just be that
he is PREDESTINED to make the road, and perhaps, too,
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that however stupid the ‘direct’ practical man may be, the
thought sometimes will occur to him that the road almost
always does lead SOMEWHERE, and that the destination
it leads to is less important than the process of making it,
and that the chief thing is to save the well-conducted child
from despising engineering, and so giving way to the fa-
tal idleness, which, as we all know, is the mother of all the
vices. Man likes to make roads and to create, that is a fact
beyond dispute. But why has he such a passionate love for
destruction and chaos also? Tell me that! But on that point
I want to say a couple of words myself. May it not be that
he loves chaos and destruction (there can be no disputing
that he does sometimes love it) because he is instinctive-
ly afraid of attaining his object and completing the edifice
he is constructing? Who knows, perhaps he only loves that
edifice from a distance, and is by no means in love with it
at close quarters; perhaps he only loves building it and does
not want to live in it, but will leave it, when completed, for
the use of LES ANIMAUX DOMESTIQUES—such as the
ants, the sheep, and so on. Now the ants have quite a dif-
ferent taste. They have a marvellous edifice of that pattern
which endures for ever—the ant-heap.
With the ant-heap the respectable race of ants began and
with the ant- heap they will probably end, which does the
greatest credit to their perseverance and good sense. But
man is a frivolous and incongruous creature, and perhaps,
like a chess player, loves the process of the game, not the
end of it. And who knows (there is no saying with certainty),
perhaps the only goal on earth to which mankind is striving
Notes from the Underground
lies in this incessant process of attaining, in other words, in
life itself, and not in the thing to be attained, which must
always be expressed as a formula, as positive as twice two
makes four, and such positiveness is not life, gentlemen, but
is the beginning of death. Anyway, man has always been
afraid of this mathematical certainty, and I am afraid of it
now. Granted that man does nothing but seek that math-
ematical certainty, he traverses oceans, sacrifices his life in
the quest, but to succeed, really to find it, dreads, I assure
you. He feels that when he has found it there will be noth-
ing for him to look for. When workmen have finished their
work they do at least receive their pay, they go to the tavern,
then they are taken to the police-station—and there is oc-
cupation for a week. But where can man go? Anyway, one
can observe a certain awkwardness about him when he has
attained such objects. He loves the process of attaining, but
does not quite like to have attained, and that, of course, is
very absurd. In fact, man is a comical creature; there seems
to be a kind of jest in it all. But yet mathematical certainty
is after all, something insufferable. Twice two makes four
seems to me simply a piece of insolence. Twice two makes
four is a pert coxcomb who stands with arms akimbo bar-
ring your path and spitting. I admit that twice two makes
four is an excellent thing, but if we are to give everything
its due, twice two makes five is sometimes a very charming
thing too.
And why are you so firmly, so triumphantly, convinced
that only the normal and the positive—in other words, only
what is conducive to welfare—is for the advantage of man?
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Is not reason in error as regards advantage? Does not man,
perhaps, love something besides well-being? Perhaps he is
just as fond of suffering? Perhaps suffering is just as great
a benefit to him as well-being? Man is sometimes extraor-
dinarily, passionately, in love with suffering, and that is a
fact. There is no need to appeal to universal history to prove
that; only ask yourself, if you are a man and have lived at
all. As far as my personal opinion is concerned, to care only
for well-being seems to me positively ill-bred. Whether it’s
good or bad, it is sometimes very pleasant, too, to smash
things. I hold no brief for suffering nor for well-being either.
I am standing for ... my caprice, and for its being guaran-
teed to me when necessary. Suffering would be out of place
in vaudevilles, for instance; I know that. In the ‘Palace of
Crystal’ it is unthinkable; suffering means doubt, negation,
and what would be the good of a ‘palace of crystal’ if there
could be any doubt about it? And yet I think man will never
renounce real suffering, that is, destruction and chaos. Why,
suffering is the sole origin of consciousness. Though I did
lay it down at the beginning that consciousness is the great-
est misfortune for man, yet I know man prizes it and would
not give it up for any satisfaction. Consciousness, for in-
stance, is infinitely superior to twice two makes four. Once
you have mathematical certainty there is nothing left to do
or to understand. There will be nothing left but to bottle
up your five senses and plunge into contemplation. While
if you stick to consciousness, even though the same result
is attained, you can at least flog yourself at times, and that
will, at any rate, liven you up. Reactionary as it is, corporal
Notes from the Underground
punishment is better than nothing.

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[winston20]

X
You believe in a palace of crystal that can never be de-stroyed—a palace at which one will not be able to put out
one’s tongue or make a long nose on the sly. And perhaps
that is just why I am afraid of this edifice, that it is of crystal
and can never be destroyed and that one cannot put one’s
tongue out at it even on the sly.
You see, if it were not a palace, but a hen-house, I might
creep into it to avoid getting wet, and yet I would not call
the hen-house a palace out of gratitude to it for keeping me
dry. You laugh and say that in such circumstances a hen-
house is as good as a mansion. Yes, I answer, if one had to
live simply to keep out of the rain.
But what is to be done if I have taken it into my head that
that is not the only object in life, and that if one must live
one had better live in a mansion? That is my choice, my de-
sire. You will only eradicate it when you have changed my
preference. Well, do change it, allure me with something
else, give me another ideal. But meanwhile I will not take
a hen-house for a mansion. The palace of crystal may be an
idle dream, it may be that it is inconsistent with the laws
of nature and that I have invented it only through my own
stupidity, through the old-fashioned irrational habits of my
generation. But what does it matter to me that it is inconsis-
tent? That makes no difference since it exists in my desires,
Notes from the Underground
or rather exists as long as my desires exist. Perhaps you are
laughing again? Laugh away; I will put up with any mockery
rather than pretend that I am satisfied when I am hungry. I
know, anyway, that I will not be put off with a compromise,
with a recurring zero, simply because it is consistent with
the laws of nature and actually exists. I will not accept as
the crown of my desires a block of buildings with tenements
for the poor on a lease of a thousand years, and perhaps
with a sign-board of a dentist hanging out. Destroy my de-
sires, eradicate my ideals, show me something better, and
I will follow you. You will say, perhaps, that it is not worth
your trouble; but in that case I can give you the same answer.
We are discussing things seriously; but if you won’t deign to
give me your attention, I will drop your acquaintance. I can
retreat into my underground hole.
But while I am alive and have desires I would rather my
hand were withered off than bring one brick to such a build-
ing! Don’t remind me that I have just rejected the palace
of crystal for the sole reason that one cannot put out one’s
tongue at it. I did not say because I am so fond of putting my
tongue out. Perhaps the thing I resented was, that of all your
edifices there has not been one at which one could not put
out one’s tongue. On the contrary, I would let my tongue be
cut off out of gratitude if things could be so arranged that
I should lose all desire to put it out. It is not my fault that
things cannot be so arranged, and that one must be satisfied
with model flats. Then why am I made with such desires?
Can I have been constructed simply in order to come to the
conclusion that all my construction is a cheat? Can this be
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my whole purpose? I do not believe it.
But do you know what: I am convinced that we under-
ground folk ought to be kept on a curb. Though we may
sit forty years underground without speaking, when we do
come out into the light of day and break out we talk and
talk and talk ....

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[winston20]

XI
The long and the short of it is, gentlemen, that it is better to do nothing! Better conscious inertia! And so hurrah
for underground! Though I have said that I envy the normal
man to the last drop of my bile, yet I should not care to be in
his place such as he is now (though I shall not cease envying
him). No, no; anyway the underground life is more advan-
tageous. There, at any rate, one can ... Oh, but even now I
am lying! I am lying because I know myself that it is not
underground that is better, but something different, quite
different, for which I am thirsting, but which I cannot find!
Damn underground!
I will tell you another thing that would be better, and
that is, if I myself believed in anything of what I have just
written. I swear to you, gentlemen, there is not one thing,
not one word of what I have written that I really believe.
That is, I believe it, perhaps, but at the same time I feel and
suspect that I am lying like a cobbler.
‘Then why have you written all this?’ you will say to me. ‘I
ought to put you underground for forty years without any-
thing to do and then come to you in your cellar, to find out
what stage you have reached! How can a man be left with
nothing to do for forty years?’
‘Isn’t that shameful, isn’t that humiliating?’ you will say,
perhaps, wagging your heads contemptuously. ‘You thirst
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for life and try to settle the problems of life by a logical tan-
gle. And how persistent, how insolent are your sallies, and
at the same time what a scare you are in! You talk nonsense
and are pleased with it; you say impudent things and are in
continual alarm and apologising for them. You declare that
you are afraid of nothing and at the same time try to in-
gratiate yourself in our good opinion. You declare that you
are gnashing your teeth and at the same time you try to be
witty so as to amuse us. You know that your witticisms are
not witty, but you are evidently well satisfied with their lit-
erary value. You may, perhaps, have really suffered, but you
have no respect for your own suffering. You may have sin-
cerity, but you have no modesty; out of the pettiest vanity
you expose your sincerity to publicity and ignominy. You
doubtlessly mean to say something, but hide your last word
through fear, because you have not the resolution to utter
it, and only have a cowardly impudence. You boast of con-
sciousness, but you are not sure of your ground, for though
your mind works, yet your heart is darkened and corrupt,
and you cannot have a full, genuine consciousness without
a pure heart. And how intrusive you are, how you insist and
grimace! Lies, lies, lies!’
Of course I have myself made up all the things you say.
That, too, is from underground. I have been for forty years
listening to you through a crack under the floor. I have in-
vented them myself, there was nothing else I could invent. It
is no wonder that I have learned it by heart and it has taken
a literary form ....
But can you really be so credulous as to think that I will
Notes from the Underground
print all this and give it to you to read too? And another
problem: why do I call you ‘gentlemen,’ why do I address
you as though you really were my readers? Such confessions
as I intend to make are never printed nor given to other
people to read. Anyway, I am not strong-minded enough
for that, and I don’t see why I should be. But you see a fancy
has occurred to me and I want to realise it at all costs. Let
me explain.
Every man has reminiscences which he would not tell to
everyone, but only to his friends. He has other matters in
his mind which he would not reveal even to his friends, but
only to himself, and that in secret. But there are other things
which a man is afraid to tell even to himself, and every de-
cent man has a number of such things stored away in his
mind. The more decent he is, the greater the number of such
things in his mind. Anyway, I have only lately determined
to remember some of my early adventures. Till now I have
always avoided them, even with a certain uneasiness. Now,
when I am not only recalling them, but have actually decid-
ed to write an account of them, I want to try the experiment
whether one can, even with oneself, be perfectly open and
not take fright at the whole truth. I will observe, in paren-
thesis, that Heine says that a true autobiography is almost
an impossibility, and that man is bound to lie about himself.
He considers that Rousseau certainly told lies about himself
in his confessions, and even intentionally lied, out of vanity.
I am convinced that Heine is right; I quite understand how
sometimes one may, out of sheer vanity, attribute regular
crimes to oneself, and indeed I can very well conceive that
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kind of vanity. But Heine judged of people who made their
confessions to the public. I write only for myself, and I wish
to declare once and for all that if I write as though I were ad-
dressing readers, that is simply because it is easier for me to
write in that form. It is a form, an empty form—I shall never
have readers. I have made this plain already ...
I don’t wish to be hampered by any restrictions in the
compilation of my notes. I shall not attempt any system or
method. I will jot things down as I remember them.
But here, perhaps, someone will catch at the word and
ask me: if you really don’t reckon on readers, why do you
make such compacts with yourself—and on paper too—
that is, that you won’t attempt any system or method, that
you jot things down as you remember them, and so on, and
so on? Why are you explaining? Why do you apologise?
Well, there it is, I answer.
There is a whole psychology in all this, though. Perhaps it
is simply that I am a coward. And perhaps that I purposely
imagine an audience before me in order that I may be more
dignified while I write. There are perhaps thousands of rea-
sons. Again, what is my object precisely in writing? If it is
not for the benefit of the public why should I not simply re-
call these incidents in my own mind without putting them
on paper?
Quite so; but yet it is more imposing on paper. There is
something more impressive in it; I shall be better able to
criticise myself and improve my style. Besides, I shall per-
haps obtain actual relief from writing. Today, for instance, I
am particularly oppressed by one memory of a distant past.
Notes from the Underground
It came back vividly to my mind a few days ago, and has re-
mained haunting me like an annoying tune that one cannot
get rid of. And yet I must get rid of it somehow. I have hun-
dreds of such reminiscences; but at times some one stands
out from the hundred and oppresses me. For some reason
I believe that if I write it down I should get rid of it. Why
not try?
Besides, I am bored, and I never have anything to do.
Writing will be a sort of work. They say work makes man
kind-hearted and honest. Well, here is a chance for me,
anyway.
Snow is falling today, yellow and dingy. It fell yesterday,
too, and a few days ago. I fancy it is the wet snow that has
reminded me of that incident which I cannot shake off now.
And so let it be a story A PROPOS of the falling snow.

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[winston20]

Part II
A Propos of the Wet Snow
When from dark error’s subjugation
My words of passionate exhortation
Had wrenched thy fainting spirit free;
And writhing prone in thine affliction
Thou didst recall with malediction
The vice that had encompassed thee:
And when thy slumbering conscience, fretting
By recollection’s torturing flame,
Thou didst reveal the hideous setting
Of thy life’s current ere I came:
When suddenly I saw thee sicken,
And weeping, hide thine anguished face,
Revolted, maddened, horror-stricken,
At memories of foul disgrace.
NEKRASSOV
(translated by Juliet Soskice).
Notes from the Underground
I
AT THAT TIME I was only twenty-four. My life was even then gloomy, ill- regulated, and as solitary as
that of a savage. I made friends with no one and positively
avoided talking, and buried myself more and more in my
hole. At work in the office I never looked at anyone, and
was perfectly well aware that my companions looked upon
me, not only as a queer fellow, but even looked upon me—I
always fancied this—with a sort of loathing. I sometimes
wondered why it was that nobody except me fancied that
he was looked upon with aversion? One of the clerks had a
most repulsive, pock-marked face, which looked positively
villainous. I believe I should not have dared to look at any-
one with such an unsightly countenance. Another had such
a very dirty old uniform that there was an unpleasant odour
in his proximity. Yet not one of these gentlemen showed the
slightest self-consciousness—either about their clothes or
their countenance or their character in any way. Neither of
them ever imagined that they were looked at with repulsion;
if they had imagined it they would not have minded—so
long as their superiors did not look at them in that way. It is
clear to me now that, owing to my unbounded vanity and
to the high standard I set for myself, I often looked at my-
self with furious discontent, which verged on loathing, and
so I inwardly attributed the same feeling to everyone. I hat-
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ed my face, for instance: I thought it disgusting, and even
suspected that there was something base in my expression,
and so every day when I turned up at the office I tried to
behave as independently as possible, and to assume a lofty
expression, so that I might not be suspected of being abject.
‘My face may be ugly,’ I thought, ‘but let it be lofty, expres-
sive, and, above all, EXTREMELY intelligent.’ But I was
positively and painfully certain that it was impossible for
my countenance ever to express those qualities. And what
was worst of all, I thought it actually stupid looking, and I
would have been quite satisfied if I could have looked intel-
ligent. In fact, I would even have put up with looking base
if, at the same time, my face could have been thought strik-
ingly intelligent.
Of course, I hated my fellow clerks one and all, and I de-
spised them all, yet at the same time I was, as it were, afraid
of them. In fact, it happened at times that I thought more
highly of them than of myself. It somehow happened quite
suddenly that I alternated between despising them and
thinking them superior to myself. A cultivated and decent
man cannot be vain without setting a fearfully high stan-
dard for himself, and without despising and almost hating
himself at certain moments. But whether I despised them
or thought them superior I dropped my eyes almost ev-
ery time I met anyone. I even made experiments whether I
could face so and so’s looking at me, and I was always the
first to drop my eyes. This worried me to distraction. I had
a sickly dread, too, of being ridiculous, and so had a slavish
passion for the conventional in everything external. I loved
Notes from the Underground
to fall into the common rut, and had a whole-hearted terror
of any kind of eccentricity in myself. But how could I live
up to it? I was morbidly sensitive as a man of our age should
be. They were all stupid, and as like one another as so many
sheep. Perhaps I was the only one in the office who fancied
that I was a coward and a slave, and I fancied it just because
I was more highly developed. But it was not only that I fan-
cied it, it really was so. I was a coward and a slave. I say this
without the slightest embarrassment. Every decent man of
our age must be a coward and a slave. That is his normal
condition. Of that I am firmly persuaded. He is made and
constructed to that very end. And not only at the present
time owing to some casual circumstances, but always, at all
times, a decent man is bound to be a coward and a slave. It
is the law of nature for all decent people all over the earth. If
anyone of them happens to be valiant about something, he
need not be comforted nor carried away by that; he would
show the white feather just the same before something else.
That is how it invariably and inevitably ends. Only donkeys
and mules are valiant, and they only till they are pushed up
to the wall. It is not worth while to pay attention to them for
they really are of no consequence.
Another circumstance, too, worried me in those days:
that there was no one like me and I was unlike anyone else.
‘I am alone and they are EVERYONE,’ I thought—and pon-
dered.
From that it is evident that I was still a youngster.
The very opposite sometimes happened. It was loathsome
sometimes to go to the office; things reached such a point
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that I often came home ill. But all at once, A PROPOS of
nothing, there would come a phase of scepticism and indif-
ference (everything happened in phases to me), and I would
laugh myself at my intolerance and fastidiousness, I would
reproach myself with being ROMANTIC. At one time I was
unwilling to speak to anyone, while at other times I would
not only talk, but go to the length of contemplating making
friends with them. All my fastidiousness would suddenly,
for no rhyme or reason, vanish. Who knows, perhaps I nev-
er had really had it, and it had simply been affected, and
got out of books. I have not decided that question even now.
Once I quite made friends with them, visited their homes,
played preference, drank vodka, talked of promotions ....
But here let me make a digression.
We Russians, speaking generally, have never had those
foolish transcendental ‘romantics’—German, and still
more French—on whom nothing produces any effect; if
there were an earthquake, if all France perished at the bar-
ricades, they would still be the same, they would not even
have the decency to affect a change, but would still go on
singing their transcendental songs to the hour of their
death, because they are fools. We, in Russia, have no fools;
that is well known. That is what distinguishes us from for-
eign lands. Consequently these transcendental natures are
not found amongst us in their pure form. The idea that they
are is due to our ‘realistic’ journalists and critics of that day,
always on the look out for Kostanzhoglos and Uncle Pyotr
Ivanitchs and foolishly accepting them as our ideal; they
have slandered our romantics, taking them for the same
Notes from the Underground 0
transcendental sort as in Germany or France. On the con-
trary, the characteristics of our ‘romantics’ are absolutely
and directly opposed to the transcendental European type,
and no European standard can be applied to them. (Allow
me to make use of this word ‘romantic’—an old-fashioned
and much respected word which has done good service and
is familiar to all.) The characteristics of our romantic are
to understand everything, TO SEE EVERYTHING AND
TO SEE IT OFTEN INCOMPARABLY MORE CLEARLY
THAN OUR MOST REALISTIC MINDS SEE IT; to refuse
to accept anyone or anything, but at the same time not to
despise anything; to give way, to yield, from policy; never
to lose sight of a useful practical object (such as rent-free
quarters at the government expense, pensions, decorations),
to keep their eye on that object through all the enthusiasms
and volumes of lyrical poems, and at the same time to pre-
serve ‘the sublime and the beautiful’ inviolate within them
to the hour of their death, and to preserve themselves also,
incidentally, like some precious jewel wrapped in cotton
wool if only for the benefit of ‘the sublime and the beau-
tiful.’ Our ‘romantic’ is a man of great breadth and the
greatest rogue of all our rogues, I assure you .... I can as-
sure you from experience, indeed. Of course, that is, if he
is intelligent. But what am I saying! The romantic is always
intelligent, and I only meant to observe that although we
have had foolish romantics they don’t count, and they were
only so because in the flower of their youth they degenerat-
ed into Germans, and to preserve their precious jewel more
comfortably, settled somewhere out there—by preference in
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Weimar or the Black Forest.
I, for instance, genuinely despised my official work and
did not openly abuse it simply because I was in it myself
and got a salary for it. Anyway, take note, I did not openly
abuse it. Our romantic would rather go out of his mind—a
thing, however, which very rarely happens—than take to
open abuse, unless he had some other career in view; and
he is never kicked out. At most, they would take him to the
lunatic asylum as ‘the King of Spain’ if he should go very
mad. But it is only the thin, fair people who go out of their
minds in Russia. Innumerable ‘romantics’ attain later in life
to considerable rank in the service. Their many-sidedness is
remarkable! And what a faculty they have for the most con-
tradictory sensations! I was comforted by this thought even
in those days, and I am of the same opinion now. That is why
there are so many ‘broad natures’ among us who never lose
their ideal even in the depths of degradation; and though
they never stir a finger for their ideal, though they are ar-
rant thieves and knaves, yet they tearfully cherish their first
ideal and are extraordinarily honest at heart. Yes, it is only
among us that the most incorrigible rogue can be absolutely
and loftily honest at heart without in the least ceasing to be
a rogue. I repeat, our romantics, frequently, become such
accomplished rascals (I use the term ‘rascals’ affectionate-
ly), suddenly display such a sense of reality and practical
knowledge that their bewildered superiors and the public
generally can only ejaculate in amazement.
Their many-sidedness is really amazing, and goodness
knows what it may develop into later on, and what the fu-
Notes from the Underground
ture has in store for us. It is not a poor material! I do not say
this from any foolish or boastful patriotism. But I feel sure
that you are again imagining that I am joking. Or perhaps
it’s just the contrary and you are convinced that I really
think so. Anyway, gentlemen, I shall welcome both views
as an honour and a special favour. And do forgive my di-
gression.
I did not, of course, maintain friendly relations with my
comrades and soon was at loggerheads with them, and in
my youth and inexperience I even gave up bowing to them,
as though I had cut off all relations. That, however, only
happened to me once. As a rule, I was always alone.
In the first place I spent most of my time at home, read-
ing. I tried to stifle all that was continually seething within
me by means of external impressions. And the only ex-
ternal means I had was reading. Reading, of course, was
a great help—exciting me, giving me pleasure and pain.
But at times it bored me fearfully. One longed for move-
ment in spite of everything, and I plunged all at once into
dark, underground, loathsome vice of the pettiest kind. My
wretched passions were acute, smarting, from my continual,
sickly irritability I had hysterical impulses, with tears and
convulsions. I had no resource except reading, that is, there
was nothing in my surroundings which I could respect and
which attracted me. I was overwhelmed with depression,
too; I had an hysterical craving for incongruity and for con-
trast, and so I took to vice. I have not said all this to justify
myself .... But, no! I am lying. I did want to justify myself. I
make that little observation for my own benefit, gentlemen.
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I don’t want to lie. I vowed to myself I would not.
And so, furtively, timidly, in solitude, at night, I indulged
in filthy vice, with a feeling of shame which never desert-
ed me, even at the most loathsome moments, and which at
such moments nearly made me curse. Already even then
I had my underground world in my soul. I was fearfully
afraid of being seen, of being met, of being recognised. I
visited various obscure haunts.
One night as I was passing a tavern I saw through a light-
ed window some gentlemen fighting with billiard cues, and
saw one of them thrown out of the window. At other times
I should have felt very much disgusted, but I was in such
a mood at the time, that I actually envied the gentleman
thrown out of the window—and I envied him so much that
I even went into the tavern and into the billiard-room. ‘Per-
haps,’ I thought, ‘I’ll have a fight, too, and they’ll throw me
out of the window.’
I was not drunk—but what is one to do—depression will
drive a man to such a pitch of hysteria? But nothing hap-
pened. It seemed that I was not even equal to being thrown
out of the window and I went away without having my
fight.
An officer put me in my place from the first moment.
I was standing by the billiard-table and in my ignorance
blocking up the way, and he wanted to pass; he took me by
the shoulders and without a word—without a warning or
explanation—moved me from where I was standing to an-
other spot and passed by as though he had not noticed me.
I could have forgiven blows, but I could not forgive his hav-
Notes from the Underground
ing moved me without noticing me.
Devil knows what I would have given for a real regu-
lar quarrel—a more decent, a more LITERARY one, so to
speak. I had been treated like a fly. This officer was over six
foot, while I was a spindly little fellow. But the quarrel was
in my hands. I had only to protest and I certainly would
have been thrown out of the window. But I changed my
mind and preferred to beat a resentful retreat.
I went out of the tavern straight home, confused and
troubled, and the next night I went out again with the same
lewd intentions, still more furtively, abjectly and misera-
bly than before, as it were, with tears in my eyes—but still
I did go out again. Don’t imagine, though, it was coward-
ice made me slink away from the officer; I never have been
a coward at heart, though I have always been a coward in
action. Don’t be in a hurry to laugh—I assure you I can ex-
plain it all.
Oh, if only that officer had been one of the sort who
would consent to fight a duel! But no, he was one of those
gentlemen (alas, long extinct!) who preferred fighting with
cues or, like Gogol’s Lieutenant Pirogov, appealing to the
police. They did not fight duels and would have thought
a duel with a civilian like me an utterly unseemly proce-
dure in any case—and they looked upon the duel altogether
as something impossible, something free-thinking and
French. But they were quite ready to bully, especially when
they were over six foot.
I did not slink away through cowardice, but through an
unbounded vanity. I was afraid not of his six foot, not of
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getting a sound thrashing and being thrown out of the win-
dow; I should have had physical courage enough, I assure
you; but I had not the moral courage. What I was afraid of
was that everyone present, from the insolent marker down
to the lowest little stinking, pimply clerk in a greasy collar,
would jeer at me and fail to understand when I began to
protest and to address them in literary language. For of the
point of honour—not of honour, but of the point of honour
(POINT D’HONNEUR)—one cannot speak among us ex-
cept in literary language. You can’t allude to the ‘point of
honour’ in ordinary language. I was fully convinced (the
sense of reality, in spite of all my romanticism!) that they
would all simply split their sides with laughter, and that the
officer would not simply beat me, that is, without insulting
me, but would certainly prod me in the back with his knee,
kick me round the billiard- table, and only then perhaps
have pity and drop me out of the window.
Of course, this trivial incident could not with me end
in that. I often met that officer afterwards in the street and
noticed him very carefully. I am not quite sure whether he
recognised me, I imagine not; I judge from certain signs.
But I—I stared at him with spite and hatred and so it went
on ... for several years! My resentment grew even deeper
with years. At first I began making stealthy inquiries about
this officer. It was difficult for me to do so, for I knew no
one. But one day I heard someone shout his surname in the
street as I was following him at a distance, as though I were
tied to him—and so I learnt his surname. Another time I
followed him to his flat, and for ten kopecks learned from
Notes from the Underground
the porter where he lived, on which storey, whether he lived
alone or with others, and so on—in fact, everything one
could learn from a porter. One morning, though I had nev-
er tried my hand with the pen, it suddenly occurred to me
to write a satire on this officer in the form of a novel which
would unmask his villainy. I wrote the novel with relish. I
did unmask his villainy, I even exaggerated it; at first I so
altered his surname that it could easily be recognised, but
on second thoughts I changed it, and sent the story to the
OTETCHESTVENNIYA ZAPISKI. But at that time such
attacks were not the fashion and my story was not printed.
That was a great vexation to me.
Sometimes I was positively choked with resentment. At
last I determined to challenge my enemy to a duel. I com-
posed a splendid, charming letter to him, imploring him to
apologise to me, and hinting rather plainly at a duel in case
of refusal. The letter was so composed that if the officer had
had the least understanding of the sublime and the beauti-
ful he would certainly have flung himself on my neck and
have offered me his friendship. And how fine that would
have been! How we should have got on together! ‘He could
have shielded me with his higher rank, while I could have
improved his mind with my culture, and, well ... my ideas,
and all sorts of things might have happened.’ Only fancy,
this was two years after his insult to me, and my challenge
would have been a ridiculous anachronism, in spite of all
the ingenuity of my letter in disguising and explaining away
the anachronism. But, thank God (to this day I thank the
Almighty with tears in my eyes) I did not send the letter to
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him. Cold shivers run down my back when I think of what
might have happened if I had sent it.
And all at once I revenged myself in the simplest way,
by a stroke of genius! A brilliant thought suddenly dawned
upon me. Sometimes on holidays I used to stroll along the
sunny side of the Nevsky about four o’clock in the after-
noon. Though it was hardly a stroll so much as a series of
innumerable miseries, humiliations and resentments; but
no doubt that was just what I wanted. I used to wriggle
along in a most unseemly fashion, like an eel, continually
moving aside to make way for generals, for officers of the
guards and the hussars, or for ladies. At such minutes there
used to be a convulsive twinge at my heart, and I used to
feel hot all down my back at the mere thought of the wretch-
edness of my attire, of the wretchedness and abjectness of
my little scurrying figure. This was a regular martyrdom,
a continual, intolerable humiliation at the thought, which
passed into an incessant and direct sensation, that I was
a mere fly in the eyes of all this world, a nasty, disgusting
fly—more intelligent, more highly developed, more refined
in feeling than any of them, of course—but a fly that was
continually making way for everyone, insulted and injured
by everyone. Why I inflicted this torture upon myself, why
I went to the Nevsky, I don’t know. I felt simply drawn there
at every possible opportunity.
Already then I began to experience a rush of the enjoy-
ment of which I spoke in the first chapter. After my affair
with the officer I felt even more drawn there than before: it
was on the Nevsky that I met him most frequently, there I
Notes from the Underground
could admire him. He, too, went there chiefly on holidays,
He, too, turned out of his path for generals and persons of
high rank, and he too, wriggled between them like an eel;
but people, like me, or even better dressed than me, he sim-
ply walked over; he made straight for them as though there
was nothing but empty space before him, and never, under
any circumstances, turned aside. I gloated over my resent-
ment watching him and ... always resentfully made way for
him. It exasperated me that even in the street I could not be
on an even footing with him.
‘Why must you invariably be the first to move aside?’ I
kept asking myself in hysterical rage, waking up sometimes
at three o’clock in the morning. ‘Why is it you and not he?
There’s no regulation about it; there’s no written law. Let the
making way be equal as it usually is when refined people
meet; he moves half-way and you move half-way; you pass
with mutual respect.’
But that never happened, and I always moved aside, while
he did not even notice my making way for him. And lo and
behold a bright idea dawned upon me! ‘What,’ I thought,
‘if I meet him and don’t move on one side? What if I don’t
move aside on purpose, even if I knock up against him?
How would that be?’ This audacious idea took such a hold
on me that it gave me no peace. I was dreaming of it con-
tinually, horribly, and I purposely went more frequently to
the Nevsky in order to picture more vividly how I should do
it when I did do it. I was delighted. This intention seemed to
me more and more practical and possible.
‘Of course I shall not really push him,’ I thought, already
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more good- natured in my joy. ‘I will simply not turn aside,
will run up against him, not very violently, but just shoul-
dering each other—just as much as decency permits. I will
push against him just as much as he pushes against me.’ At
last I made up my mind completely. But my preparations
took a great deal of time. To begin with, when I carried out
my plan I should need to be looking rather more decent,
and so I had to think of my get-up. ‘In case of emergency,
if, for instance, there were any sort of public scandal (and
the public there is of the most RECHERCHE: the Countess
walks there; Prince D. walks there; all the literary world is
there), I must be well dressed; that inspires respect and of
itself puts us on an equal footing in the eyes of the society.’
With this object I asked for some of my salary in advance,
and bought at Tchurkin’s a pair of black gloves and a de-
cent hat. Black gloves seemed to me both more dignified
and BON TON than the lemon-coloured ones which I had
contemplated at first. ‘The colour is too gaudy, it looks as
though one were trying to be conspicuous,’ and I did not
take the lemon-coloured ones. I had got ready long before-
hand a good shirt, with white bone studs; my overcoat was
the only thing that held me back. The coat in itself was a
very good one, it kept me warm; but it was wadded and it
had a raccoon collar which was the height of vulgarity. I
had to change the collar at any sacrifice, and to have a bea-
ver one like an officer’s. For this purpose I began visiting
the Gostiny Dvor and after several attempts I pitched upon
a piece of cheap German beaver. Though these German
beavers soon grow shabby and look wretched, yet at first
Notes from the Underground 0
they look exceedingly well, and I only needed it for the oc-
casion. I asked the price; even so, it was too expensive. After
thinking it over thoroughly I decided to sell my raccoon
collar. The rest of the money—a considerable sum for me, I
decided to borrow from Anton Antonitch Syetotchkin, my
immediate superior, an unassuming person, though grave
and judicious. He never lent money to anyone, but I had, on
entering the service, been specially recommended to him
by an important personage who had got me my berth. I was
horribly worried. To borrow from Anton Antonitch seemed
to me monstrous and shameful. I did not sleep for two or
three nights. Indeed, I did not sleep well at that time, I was
in a fever; I had a vague sinking at my heart or else a sudden
throbbing, throbbing, throbbing! Anton Antonitch was
surprised at first, then he frowned, then he reflected, and
did after all lend me the money, receiving from me a written
authorisation to take from my salary a fortnight later the
sum that he had lent me.
In this way everything was at last ready. The handsome
beaver replaced the mean-looking raccoon, and I began by
degrees to get to work. It would never have done to act off-
hand, at random; the plan had to be carried out skilfully, by
degrees. But I must confess that after many efforts I began
to despair: we simply could not run into each other. I made
every preparation, I was quite determined—it seemed as
though we should run into one another directly—and be-
fore I knew what I was doing I had stepped aside for him
again and he had passed without noticing me. I even prayed
as I approached him that God would grant me determina-
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tion. One time I had made up my mind thoroughly, but it
ended in my stumbling and falling at his feet because at the
very last instant when I was six inches from him my cour-
age failed me. He very calmly stepped over me, while I flew
on one side like a ball. That night I was ill again, feverish
and delirious.
And suddenly it ended most happily. The night before I
had made up my mind not to carry out my fatal plan and
to abandon it all, and with that object I went to the Nevsky
for the last time, just to see how I would abandon it all. Sud-
denly, three paces from my enemy, I unexpectedly made up
my mind—I closed my eyes, and we ran full tilt, shoulder
to shoulder, against one another! I did not budge an inch
and passed him on a perfectly equal footing! He did not
even look round and pretended not to notice it; but he was
only pretending, I am convinced of that. I am convinced
of that to this day! Of course, I got the worst of it—he was
stronger, but that was not the point. The point was that I
had attained my object, I had kept up my dignity, I had not
yielded a step, and had put myself publicly on an equal so-
cial footing with him. I returned home feeling that I was
fully avenged for everything. I was delighted. I was trium-
phant and sang Italian arias. Of course, I will not describe
to you what happened to me three days later; if you have
read my first chapter you can guess for yourself. The offi-
cer was afterwards transferred; I have not seen him now for
fourteen years. What is the dear fellow doing now? Whom
is he walking over?

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II
But the period of my dissipation would end and I always felt very sick afterwards. It was followed by remorse—I
tried to drive it away; I felt too sick. By degrees, however, I
grew used to that too. I grew used to everything, or rather I
voluntarily resigned myself to enduring it. But I had a means
of escape that reconciled everything—that was to find ref-
uge in ‘the sublime and the beautiful,’ in dreams, of course.
I was a terrible dreamer, I would dream for three months on
end, tucked away in my corner, and you may believe me that
at those moments I had no resemblance to the gentleman
who, in the perturbation of his chicken heart, put a collar
of German beaver on his great-coat. I suddenly became a
hero. I would not have admitted my six-foot lieutenant even
if he had called on me. I could not even picture him be-
fore me then. What were my dreams and how I could satisfy
myself with them—it is hard to say now, but at the time I
was satisfied with them. Though, indeed, even now, I am to
some extent satisfied with them. Dreams were particularly
sweet and vivid after a spell of dissipation; they came with
remorse and with tears, with curses and transports. There
were moments of such positive intoxication, of such hap-
piness, that there was not the faintest trace of irony within
me, on my honour. I had faith, hope, love. I believed blindly
at such times that by some miracle, by some external cir-
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cumstance, all this would suddenly open out, expand; that
suddenly a vista of suitable activity—beneficent, good, and,
above all, READY MADE (what sort of activity I had no
idea, but the great thing was that it should be all ready for
me)—would rise up before me—and I should come out into
the light of day, almost riding a white horse and crowned
with laurel. Anything but the foremost place I could not
conceive for myself, and for that very reason I quite con-
tentedly occupied the lowest in reality. Either to be a hero
or to grovel in the mud—there was nothing between. That
was my ruin, for when I was in the mud I comforted myself
with the thought that at other times I was a hero, and the
hero was a cloak for the mud: for an ordinary man it was
shameful to defile himself, but a hero was too lofty to be
utterly defiled, and so he might defile himself. It is worth
noting that these attacks of the ‘sublime and the beautiful’
visited me even during the period of dissipation and just
at the times when I was touching the bottom. They came
in separate spurts, as though reminding me of themselves,
but did not banish the dissipation by their appearance. On
the contrary, they seemed to add a zest to it by contrast,
and were only sufficiently present to serve as an appetising
sauce. That sauce was made up of contradictions and suffer-
ings, of agonising inward analysis, and all these pangs and
pin-pricks gave a certain piquancy, even a significance to
my dissipation—in fact, completely answered the purpose
of an appetising sauce. There was a certain depth of mean-
ing in it. And I could hardly have resigned myself to the
simple, vulgar, direct debauchery of a clerk and have en-
Notes from the Underground
dured all the filthiness of it. What could have allured me
about it then and have drawn me at night into the street?
No, I had a lofty way of getting out of it all.
And what loving-kindness, oh Lord, what loving-kind-
ness I felt at times in those dreams of mine! in those ‘flights
into the sublime and the beautiful”; though it was fantastic
love, though it was never applied to anything human in re-
ality, yet there was so much of this love that one did not feel
afterwards even the impulse to apply it in reality; that would
have been superfluous. Everything, however, passed satis-
factorily by a lazy and fascinating transition into the sphere
of art, that is, into the beautiful forms of life, lying ready,
largely stolen from the poets and novelists and adapted to
all sorts of needs and uses. I, for instance, was triumphant
over everyone; everyone, of course, was in dust and ashes,
and was forced spontaneously to recognise my superiority,
and I forgave them all. I was a poet and a grand gentleman,
I fell in love; I came in for countless millions and imme-
diately devoted them to humanity, and at the same time I
confessed before all the people my shameful deeds, which,
of course, were not merely shameful, but had in them much
that was ‘sublime and beautiful’ something in the Manfred
style. Everyone would kiss me and weep (what idiots they
would be if they did not), while I should go barefoot and
hungry preaching new ideas and fighting a victorious Aus-
terlitz against the obscurantists. Then the band would play
a march, an amnesty would be declared, the Pope would
agree to retire from Rome to Brazil; then there would be a
ball for the whole of Italy at the Villa Borghese on the shores
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of Lake Como, Lake Como being for that purpose trans-
ferred to the neighbourhood of Rome; then would come a
scene in the bushes, and so on, and so on—as though you
did not know all about it? You will say that it is vulgar and
contemptible to drag all this into public after all the tears
and transports which I have myself confessed. But why is it
contemptible? Can you imagine that I am ashamed of it all,
and that it was stupider than anything in your life, gentle-
men? And I can assure you that some of these fancies were
by no means badly composed .... It did not all happen on
the shores of Lake Como. And yet you are right—it really is
vulgar and contemptible. And most contemptible of all it is
that now I am attempting to justify myself to you. And even
more contemptible than that is my making this remark now.
But that’s enough, or there will be no end to it; each step will
be more contemptible than the last ....
I could never stand more than three months of dream-
ing at a time without feeling an irresistible desire to plunge
into society. To plunge into society meant to visit my supe-
rior at the office, Anton Antonitch Syetotchkin. He was the
only permanent acquaintance I have had in my life, and I
wonder at the fact myself now. But I only went to see him
when that phase came over me, and when my dreams had
reached such a point of bliss that it became essential at once
to embrace my fellows and all mankind; and for that pur-
pose I needed, at least, one human being, actually existing.
I had to call on Anton Antonitch, however, on Tuesday—his
at-home day; so I had always to time my passionate desire to
embrace humanity so that it might fall on a Tuesday.
Notes from the Underground
This Anton Antonitch lived on the fourth storey in a
house in Five Corners, in four low-pitched rooms, one
smaller than the other, of a particularly frugal and sallow
appearance. He had two daughters and their aunt, who
used to pour out the tea. Of the daughters one was thirteen
and another fourteen, they both had snub noses, and I was
awfully shy of them because they were always whispering
and giggling together. The master of the house usually sat
in his study on a leather couch in front of the table with
some grey-headed gentleman, usually a colleague from our
office or some other department. I never saw more than two
or three visitors there, always the same. They talked about
the excise duty; about business in the senate, about sala-
ries, about promotions, about His Excellency, and the best
means of pleasing him, and so on. I had the patience to sit
like a fool beside these people for four hours at a stretch,
listening to them without knowing what to say to them or
venturing to say a word. I became stupefied, several times I
felt myself perspiring, I was overcome by a sort of paralysis;
but this was pleasant and good for me. On returning home I
deferred for a time my desire to embrace all mankind.
I had however one other acquaintance of a sort, Simonov,
who was an old schoolfellow. I had a number of schoolfel-
lows, indeed, in Petersburg, but I did not associate with
them and had even given up nodding to them in the street.
I believe I had transferred into the department I was in sim-
ply to avoid their company and to cut off all connection
with my hateful childhood. Curses on that school and all
those terrible years of penal servitude! In short, I parted
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from my schoolfellows as soon as I got out into the world.
There were two or three left to whom I nodded in the street.
One of them was Simonov, who had in no way been distin-
guished at school, was of a quiet and equable disposition;
but I discovered in him a certain independence of character
and even honesty I don’t even suppose that he was partic-
ularly stupid. I had at one time spent some rather soulful
moments with him, but these had not lasted long and had
somehow been suddenly clouded over. He was evident-
ly uncomfortable at these reminiscences, and was, I fancy,
always afraid that I might take up the same tone again. I
suspected that he had an aversion for me, but still I went on
going to see him, not being quite certain of it.
And so on one occasion, unable to endure my solitude
and knowing that as it was Thursday Anton Antonitch’s
door would be closed, I thought of Simonov. Climbing up
to his fourth storey I was thinking that the man disliked me
and that it was a mistake to go and see him. But as it always
happened that such reflections impelled me, as though pur-
posely, to put myself into a false position, I went in. It was
almost a year since I had last seen Simonov

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[Ushimen]

Ila kwakweli mambo mengine ni kutesana tu..🤨

 

[winston20]

III
I found two of my old schoolfellows with him. They seemed to be discussing an important matter. All of them took
scarcely any notice of my entrance, which was strange, for I
had not met them for years. Evidently they looked upon me
as something on the level of a common fly. I had not been
treated like that even at school, though they all hated me. I
knew, of course, that they must despise me now for my lack
of success in the service, and for my having let myself sink
so low, going about badly dressed and so on—which seemed
to them a sign of my incapacity and insignificance. But I
had not expected such contempt. Simonov was positively
surprised at my turning up. Even in old days he had always
seemed surprised at my coming. All this disconcerted me:
I sat down, feeling rather miserable, and began listening to
what they were saying.
They were engaged in warm and earnest conversation
about a farewell dinner which they wanted to arrange for
the next day to a comrade of theirs called Zverkov, an offi-
cer in the army, who was going away to a distant province.
This Zverkov had been all the time at school with me too. I
had begun to hate him particularly in the upper forms. In
the lower forms he had simply been a pretty, playful boy
whom everybody liked. I had hated him, however, even in
the lower forms, just because he was a pretty and playful
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boy. He was always bad at his lessons and got worse and
worse as he went on; however, he left with a good certifi-
cate, as he had powerful interests. During his last year at
school he came in for an estate of two hundred serfs, and
as almost all of us were poor he took up a swaggering tone
among us. He was vulgar in the extreme, but at the same
time he was a good-natured fellow, even in his swaggering.
In spite of superficial, fantastic and sham notions of honour
and dignity, all but very few of us positively grovelled be-
fore Zverkov, and the more so the more he swaggered. And
it was not from any interested motive that they grovelled,
but simply because he had been favoured by the gifts of na-
ture. Moreover, it was, as it were, an accepted idea among
us that Zverkov was a specialist in regard to tact and the so-
cial graces. This last fact particularly infuriated me. I hated
the abrupt self-confident tone of his voice, his admiration
of his own witticisms, which were often frightfully stupid,
though he was bold in his language; I hated his handsome,
but stupid face (for which I would, however, have gladly ex-
changed my intelligent one), and the free-and-easy military
manners in fashion in the ‘forties.’ I hated the way in which
he used to talk of his future conquests of women (he did not
venture to begin his attack upon women until he had the
epaulettes of an officer, and was looking forward to them
with impatience), and boasted of the duels he would con-
stantly be fighting. I remember how I, invariably so taciturn,
suddenly fastened upon Zverkov, when one day talking at
a leisure moment with his schoolfellows of his future rela-
tions with the fair sex, and growing as sportive as a puppy
Notes from the Underground 0
in the sun, he all at once declared that he would not leave a
single village girl on his estate unnoticed, that that was his
DROIT DE SEIGNEUR, and that if the peasants dared to
protest he would have them all flogged and double the tax
on them, the bearded rascals. Our servile rabble applaud-
ed, but I attacked him, not from compassion for the girls
and their fathers, but simply because they were applauding
such an insect. I got the better of him on that occasion, but
though Zverkov was stupid he was lively and impudent, and
so laughed it off, and in such a way that my victory was not
really complete; the laugh was on his side. He got the better
of me on several occasions afterwards, but without malice,
jestingly, casually. I remained angrily and contemptuously
silent and would not answer him. When we left school he
made advances to me; I did not rebuff them, for I was flat-
tered, but we soon parted and quite naturally. Afterwards I
heard of his barrack-room success as a lieutenant, and of the
fast life he was leading. Then there came other rumours—of
his successes in the service. By then he had taken to cutting
me in the street, and I suspected that he was afraid of com-
promising himself by greeting a personage as insignificant
as me. I saw him once in the theatre, in the third tier of box-
es. By then he was wearing shoulder-straps. He was twisting
and twirling about, ingratiating himself with the daughters
of an ancient General. In three years he had gone off con-
siderably, though he was still rather handsome and adroit.
One could see that by the time he was thirty he would be
corpulent. So it was to this Zverkov that my schoolfellows
were going to give a dinner on his departure. They had kept
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up with him for those three years, though privately they did
not consider themselves on an equal footing with him, I am
convinced of that.
Of Simonov’s two visitors, one was Ferfitchkin, a Rus-
sianised German —a little fellow with the face of a monkey,
a blockhead who was always deriding everyone, a very bit-
ter enemy of mine from our days in the lower forms—a
vulgar, impudent, swaggering fellow, who affected a most
sensitive feeling of personal honour, though, of course, he
was a wretched little coward at heart. He was one of those
worshippers of Zverkov who made up to the latter from
interested motives, and often borrowed money from him.
Simonov’s other visitor, Trudolyubov, was a person in no
way remarkable—a tall young fellow, in the army, with a
cold face, fairly honest, though he worshipped success of
every sort, and was only capable of thinking of promotion.
He was some sort of distant relation of Zverkov’s, and this,
foolish as it seems, gave him a certain importance among
us. He always thought me of no consequence whatever; his
behaviour to me, though not quite courteous, was tolera-
ble.
‘Well, with seven roubles each,’ said Trudolyubov, ‘twen-
ty-one roubles between the three of us, we ought to be able
to get a good dinner. Zverkov, of course, won’t pay.’
‘Of course not, since we are inviting him,’ Simonov de-
cided.
‘Can you imagine,’ Ferfitchkin interrupted hotly and
conceitedly, like some insolent flunkey boasting of his mas-
ter the General’s decorations, ‘can you imagine that Zverkov
Notes from the Underground
will let us pay alone? He will accept from delicacy, but he
will order half a dozen bottles of champagne.’
‘Do we want half a dozen for the four of us?’ observed
Trudolyubov, taking notice only of the half dozen.
‘So the three of us, with Zverkov for the fourth, twenty-
one roubles, at the Hotel de Paris at five o’clock tomorrow,’
Simonov, who had been asked to make the arrangements,
concluded finally.
‘How twenty-one roubles?’ I asked in some agitation,
with a show of being offended; ‘if you count me it will not
be twenty-one, but twenty-eight roubles.’
It seemed to me that to invite myself so suddenly and
unexpectedly would be positively graceful, and that they
would all be conquered at once and would look at me with
respect.
‘Do you want to join, too?’ Simonov observed, with no
appearance of pleasure, seeming to avoid looking at me. He
knew me through and through.
It infuriated me that he knew me so thoroughly.
‘Why not? I am an old schoolfellow of his, too, I believe,
and I must own I feel hurt that you have left me out,’ I said,
boiling over again.
‘And where were we to find you?’ Ferfitchkin put in
roughly.
‘You never were on good terms with Zverkov,’ Trudoly-
ubov added, frowning.
But I had already clutched at the idea and would not give
it up.
‘It seems to me that no one has a right to form an opinion
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upon that,’ I retorted in a shaking voice, as though some-
thing tremendous had happened. ‘Perhaps that is just my
reason for wishing it now, that I have not always been on
good terms with him.’
‘Oh, there’s no making you out ... with these refinements,’
Trudolyubov jeered.
‘We’ll put your name down,’ Simonov decided, address-
ing me. ‘Tomorrow at five-o’clock at the Hotel de Paris.’
‘What about the money?’ Ferfitchkin began in an under-
tone, indicating me to Simonov, but he broke off, for even
Simonov was embarrassed.
‘That will do,’ said Trudolyubov, getting up. ‘If he wants
to come so much, let him.’
‘But it’s a private thing, between us friends,’ Ferfitchkin
said crossly, as he, too, picked up his hat. ‘It’s not an official
gathering.’
‘We do not want at all, perhaps ...’
They went away. Ferfitchkin did not greet me in any way
as he went out, Trudolyubov barely nodded. Simonov, with
whom I was left TETE-A-TETE, was in a state of vexation
and perplexity, and looked at me queerly. He did not sit
down and did not ask me to.
‘H’m ... yes ... tomorrow, then. Will you pay your sub-
scription now? I just ask so as to know,’ he muttered in
embarrassment.
I flushed crimson, as I did so I remembered that I had
owed Simonov fifteen roubles for ages—which I had, in-
deed, never forgotten, though I had not paid it.
‘You will understand, Simonov, that I could have no idea
Notes from the Underground
when I came here .... I am very much vexed that I have for-
gotten ....’
‘All right, all right, that doesn’t matter. You can pay to-
morrow after the dinner. I simply wanted to know .... Please
don’t ...’
He broke off and began pacing the room still more vexed.
As he walked he began to stamp with his heels.
‘Am I keeping you?’ I asked, after two minutes of silence.
‘Oh!’ he said, starting, ‘that is—to be truthful—yes. I
have to go and see someone ... not far from here,’ he added
in an apologetic voice, somewhat abashed.
‘My goodness, why didn’t you say so?’ I cried, seizing my
cap, with an astonishingly free-and-easy air, which was the
last thing I should have expected of myself.
‘It’s close by ... not two paces away,’ Simonov repeated, ac-
companying me to the front door with a fussy air which did
not suit him at all. ‘So five o’clock, punctually, tomorrow,’
he called down the stairs after me. He was very glad to get
rid of me. I was in a fury.
‘What possessed me, what possessed me to force my-
self upon them?’ I wondered, grinding my teeth as I strode
along the street, ‘for a scoundrel, a pig like that Zverkov!
Of course I had better not go; of course, I must just snap
my fingers at them. I am not bound in any way. I’ll send Si-
monov a note by tomorrow’s post ....’
But what made me furious was that I knew for certain
that I should go, that I should make a point of going; and
the more tactless, the more unseemly my going would be,
the more certainly I would go.
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And there was a positive obstacle to my going: I had no
money. All I had was nine roubles, I had to give seven of
that to my servant, Apollon, for his monthly wages. That
was all I paid him—he had to keep himself.
Not to pay him was impossible, considering his charac-
ter. But I will talk about that fellow, about that plague of
mine, another time.
However, I knew I should go and should not pay him his
wages.
That night I had the most hideous dreams. No wonder;
all the evening I had been oppressed by memories of my
miserable days at school, and I could not shake them off.
I was sent to the school by distant relations, upon whom I
was dependent and of whom I have heard nothing since—
they sent me there a forlorn, silent boy, already crushed
by their reproaches, already troubled by doubt, and look-
ing with savage distrust at everyone. My schoolfellows met
me with spiteful and merciless jibes because I was not like
any of them. But I could not endure their taunts; I could
not give in to them with the ignoble readiness with which
they gave in to one another. I hated them from the first, and
shut myself away from everyone in timid, wounded and
disproportionate pride. Their coarseness revolted me. They
laughed cynically at my face, at my clumsy figure; and yet
what stupid faces they had themselves. In our school the
boys’ faces seemed in a special way to degenerate and grow
stupider. How many fine-looking boys came to us! In a few
years they became repulsive. Even at sixteen I wondered at
them morosely; even then I was struck by the pettiness of
Notes from the Underground
their thoughts, the stupidity of their pursuits, their games,
their conversations. They had no understanding of such
essential things, they took no interest in such striking, im-
pressive subjects, that I could not help considering them
inferior to myself. It was not wounded vanity that drove
me to it, and for God’s sake do not thrust upon me your
hackneyed remarks, repeated to nausea, that ‘I was only a
dreamer,’ while they even then had an understanding of life.
They understood nothing, they had no idea of real life, and
I swear that that was what made me most indignant with
them. On the contrary, the most obvious, striking reality
they accepted with fantastic stupidity and even at that time
were accustomed to respect success. Everything that was
just, but oppressed and looked down upon, they laughed at
heartlessly and shamefully. They took rank for intelligence;
even at sixteen they were already talking about a snug berth.
Of course, a great deal of it was due to their stupidity, to the
bad examples with which they had always been surround-
ed in their childhood and boyhood. They were monstrously
depraved. Of course a great deal of that, too, was superfi-
cial and an assumption of cynicism; of course there were
glimpses of youth and freshness even in their depravity;
but even that freshness was not attractive, and showed itself
in a certain rakishness. I hated them horribly, though per-
haps I was worse than any of them. They repaid me in the
same way, and did not conceal their aversion for me. But by
then I did not desire their affection: on the contrary, I con-
tinually longed for their humiliation. To escape from their
derision I purposely began to make all the progress I could
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with my studies and forced my way to the very top. This im-
pressed them. Moreover, they all began by degrees to grasp
that I had already read books none of them could read, and
understood things (not forming part of our school curricu-
lum) of which they had not even heard. They took a savage
and sarcastic view of it, but were morally impressed, espe-
cially as the teachers began to notice me on those grounds.
The mockery ceased, but the hostility remained, and cold
and strained relations became permanent between us. In
the end I could not put up with it: with years a craving for
society, for friends, developed in me. I attempted to get on
friendly terms with some of my schoolfellows; but somehow
or other my intimacy with them was always strained and
soon ended of itself. Once, indeed, I did have a friend. But I
was already a tyrant at heart; I wanted to exercise unbound-
ed sway over him; I tried to instil into him a contempt for
his surroundings; I required of him a disdainful and com-
plete break with those surroundings. I frightened him with
my passionate affection; I reduced him to tears, to hyster-
ics. He was a simple and devoted soul; but when he devoted
himself to me entirely I began to hate him immediately and
repulsed him—as though all I needed him for was to win
a victory over him, to subjugate him and nothing else. But
I could not subjugate all of them; my friend was not at all
like them either, he was, in fact, a rare exception. The first
thing I did on leaving school was to give up the special job
for which I had been destined so as to break all ties, to curse
my past and shake the dust from off my feet .... And good-
ness knows why, after all that, I should go trudging off to
Notes from the Underground
Simonov’s!
Early next morning I roused myself and jumped out of
bed with excitement, as though it were all about to happen
at once. But I believed that some radical change in my life
was coming, and would inevitably come that day. Owing to
its rarity, perhaps, any external event, however trivial, al-
ways made me feel as though some radical change in my
life were at hand. I went to the office, however, as usual, but
sneaked away home two hours earlier to get ready. The great
thing, I thought, is not to be the first to arrive, or they will
think I am overjoyed at coming. But there were thousands
of such great points to consider, and they all agitated and
overwhelmed me. I polished my boots a second time with
my own hands; nothing in the world would have induced
Apollon to clean them twice a day, as he considered that it
was more than his duties required of him. I stole the brush-
es to clean them from the passage, being careful he should
not detect it, for fear of his contempt. Then I minutely ex-
amined my clothes and thought that everything looked old,
worn and threadbare. I had let myself get too slovenly. My
uniform, perhaps, was tidy, but I could not go out to din-
ner in my uniform. The worst of it was that on the knee of
my trousers was a big yellow stain. I had a foreboding that
that stain would deprive me of nine-tenths of my personal
dignity. I knew, too, that it was very poor to think so. ‘But
this is no time for thinking: now I am in for the real thing,’
I thought, and my heart sank. I knew, too, perfectly well
even then, that I was monstrously exaggerating the facts.
But how could I help it? I could not control myself and was
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already shaking with fever. With despair I pictured to my-
self how coldly and disdainfully that ‘scoundrel’ Zverkov
would meet me; with what dull-witted, invincible contempt
the blockhead Trudolyubov would look at me; with what
impudent rudeness the insect Ferfitchkin would snigger at
me in order to curry favour with Zverkov; how complete-
ly Simonov would take it all in, and how he would despise
me for the abjectness of my vanity and lack of spirit—and,
worst of all, how paltry, UNLITERARY, commonplace it
would all be. Of course, the best thing would be not to go
at all. But that was most impossible of all: if I feel impelled
to do anything, I seem to be pitchforked into it. I should
have jeered at myself ever afterwards: ‘So you funked it, you
funked it, you funked the REAL THING!’ On the contrary,
I passionately longed to show all that ‘rabble’ that I was by
no means such a spiritless creature as I seemed to myself.
What is more, even in the acutest paroxysm of this cowardly
fever, I dreamed of getting the upper hand, of dominating
them, carrying them away, making them like me—if only
for my ‘elevation of thought and unmistakable wit.’ They
would abandon Zverkov, he would sit on one side, silent
and ashamed, while I should crush him. Then, perhaps, we
would be reconciled and drink to our everlasting friendship;
but what was most bitter and humiliating for me was that
I knew even then, knew fully and for certain, that I needed
nothing of all this really, that I did not really want to crush,
to subdue, to attract them, and that I did not care a straw re-
ally for the result, even if I did achieve it. Oh, how I prayed
for the day to pass quickly! In unutterable anguish I went to
Notes from the Underground 0
the window, opened the movable pane and looked out into
the troubled darkness of the thickly falling wet snow. At last
my wretched little clock hissed out five. I seized my hat and,
trying not to look at Apollon, who had been all day expect-
ing his month’s wages, but in his foolishness was unwilling
to be the first to speak about it, I slipped between him and
the door and, jumping into a high-class sledge, on which I
spent my last half rouble, I drove up in grand style to the
Hotel de Paris.

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[winston20]

IV
I had been certain the day before that I should be the first to arrive. But it was not a question of being the first to
arrive. Not only were they not there, but I had difficulty in
finding our room. The table was not laid even. What did it
mean? After a good many questions I elicited from the wait-
ers that the dinner had been ordered not for five, but for six
o’clock. This was confirmed at the buffet too. I felt really
ashamed to go on questioning them. It was only twenty-
five minutes past five. If they changed the dinner hour they
ought at least to have let me know—that is what the post
is for, and not to have put me in an absurd position in my
own eyes and ... and even before the waiters. I sat down; the
servant began laying the table; I felt even more humiliated
when he was present. Towards six o’clock they brought in
candles, though there were lamps burning in the room. It
had not occurred to the waiter, however, to bring them in at
once when I arrived. In the next room two gloomy, angry-
looking persons were eating their dinners in silence at two
different tables. There was a great deal of noise, even shout-
ing, in a room further away; one could hear the laughter of
a crowd of people, and nasty little shrieks in French: there
were ladies at the dinner. It was sickening, in fact. I rarely
passed more unpleasant moments, so much so that when
they did arrive all together punctually at six I was overjoyed
Notes from the Underground
to see them, as though they were my deliverers, and even
forgot that it was incumbent upon me to show resentment.
Zverkov walked in at the head of them; evidently he was
the leading spirit. He and all of them were laughing; but,
seeing me, Zverkov drew himself up a little, walked up to
me deliberately with a slight, rather jaunty bend from the
waist. He shook hands with me in a friendly, but not over-
friendly, fashion, with a sort of circumspect courtesy like
that of a General, as though in giving me his hand he were
warding off something. I had imagined, on the contrary,
that on coming in he would at once break into his habit-
ual thin, shrill laugh and fall to making his insipid jokes
and witticisms. I had been preparing for them ever since
the previous day, but I had not expected such condescen-
sion, such high-official courtesy. So, then, he felt himself
ineffably superior to me in every respect! If he only meant
to insult me by that high-official tone, it would not matter,
I thought—I could pay him back for it one way or another.
But what if, in reality, without the least desire to be offen-
sive, that sheepshead had a notion in earnest that he was
superior to me and could only look at me in a patronising
way? The very supposition made me gasp.
‘I was surprised to hear of your desire to join us,’ he be-
gan, lisping and drawling, which was something new. ‘You
and I seem to have seen nothing of one another. You fight
shy of us. You shouldn’t. We are not such terrible people as
you think. Well, anyway, I am glad to renew our acquain-
tance.’
And he turned carelessly to put down his hat on the win-
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dow.
‘Have you been waiting long?’ Trudolyubov inquired.
‘I arrived at five o’clock as you told me yesterday,’ I
answered aloud, with an irritability that threatened an ex-
plosion.
‘Didn’t you let him know that we had changed the hour?’
said Trudolyubov to Simonov.
‘No, I didn’t. I forgot,’ the latter replied, with no sign of
regret, and without even apologising to me he went off to
order the HORS D’OEUVRE.
‘So you’ve been here a whole hour? Oh, poor fellow!’
Zverkov cried ironically, for to his notions this was bound
to be extremely funny. That rascal Ferfitchkin followed with
his nasty little snigger like a puppy yapping. My position
struck him, too, as exquisitely ludicrous and embarrassing.
‘It isn’t funny at all!’ I cried to Ferfitchkin, more and
more irritated. ‘It wasn’t my fault, but other people’s. They
neglected to let me know. It was ... it was ... it was simply
absurd.’
‘It’s not only absurd, but something else as well,’ mut-
tered Trudolyubov, naively taking my part. ‘You are not
hard enough upon it. It was simply rudeness—unintention-
al, of course. And how could Simonov ... h’m!’
‘If a trick like that had been played on me,’ observed Fer-
fitchkin, ‘I should ...’
‘But you should have ordered something for yourself,’
Zverkov interrupted, ‘or simply asked for dinner without
waiting for us.’
‘You will allow that I might have done that without your
Notes from the Underground
permission,’ I rapped out. ‘If I waited, it was ...’
‘Let us sit down, gentlemen,’ cried Simonov, coming in.
‘Everything is ready; I can answer for the champagne; it is
capitally frozen .... You see, I did not know your address,
where was I to look for you?’ he suddenly turned to me, but
again he seemed to avoid looking at me. Evidently he had
something against me. It must have been what happened
yesterday.
All sat down; I did the same. It was a round table. Tru-
dolyubov was on my left, Simonov on my right, Zverkov
was sitting opposite, Ferfitchkin next to him, between him
and Trudolyubov.
‘Tell me, are you ... in a government office?’ Zverkov went
on attending to me. Seeing that I was embarrassed he seri-
ously thought that he ought to be friendly to me, and, so to
speak, cheer me up.
‘Does he want me to throw a bottle at his head?’ I thought,
in a fury. In my novel surroundings I was unnaturally ready
to be irritated.
‘In the N—- office,’ I answered jerkily, with my eyes on
my plate.
‘And ha-ave you a go-od berth? I say, what ma-a-de you
leave your original job?’
‘What ma-a-de me was that I wanted to leave my original
job,’ I drawled more than he, hardly able to control myself.
Ferfitchkin went off into a guffaw. Simonov looked at me
ironically. Trudolyubov left off eating and began looking at
me with curiosity.
Zverkov winced, but he tried not to notice it.
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‘And the remuneration?’
‘What remuneration?’
‘I mean, your sa-a-lary?’
‘Why are you cross-examining me?’ However, I told him
at once what my salary was. I turned horribly red.
‘It is not very handsome,’ Zverkov observed majestically.
‘Yes, you can’t afford to dine at cafes on that,’ Ferfitchkin
added insolently.
‘To my thinking it’s very poor,’ Trudolyubov observed
gravely.
‘And how thin you have grown! How you have changed!’
added Zverkov, with a shade of venom in his voice, scan-
ning me and my attire with a sort of insolent compassion.
‘Oh, spare his blushes,’ cried Ferfitchkin, sniggering.
‘My dear sir, allow me to tell you I am not blushing,’ I
broke out at last; ‘do you hear? I am dining here, at this
cafe, at my own expense, not at other people’s—note that,
Mr. Ferfitchkin.’
‘Wha-at? Isn’t every one here dining at his own expense?
You would seem to be ...’ Ferfitchkin flew out at me, turning
as red as a lobster, and looking me in the face with fury. ‘Tha-
at,’ I answered, feeling I had gone too far, ‘and I imagine it
would be better to talk of something more intelligent.’
‘You intend to show off your intelligence, I suppose?’
‘Don’t disturb yourself, that would be quite out of place
here.’
‘Why are you clacking away like that, my good sir, eh?
Have you gone out of your wits in your office?’
‘Enough, gentlemen, enough!’ Zverkov cried, authorita-
Notes from the Underground
tively.
‘How stupid it is!’ muttered Simonov.
‘It really is stupid. We have met here, a company of
friends, for a farewell dinner to a comrade and you carry on
an altercation,’ said Trudolyubov, rudely addressing him-
self to me alone. ‘You invited yourself to join us, so don’t
disturb the general harmony.’
‘Enough, enough!’ cried Zverkov. ‘Give over, gentlemen,
it’s out of place. Better let me tell you how I nearly got mar-
ried the day before yesterday ....’
And then followed a burlesque narrative of how this gen-
tleman had almost been married two days before. There
was not a word about the marriage, however, but the story
was adorned with generals, colonels and kammer-junk-
ers, while Zverkov almost took the lead among them. It
was greeted with approving laughter; Ferfitchkin positively
squealed.
No one paid any attention to me, and I sat crushed and
humiliated.
‘Good Heavens, these are not the people for me!’ I
thought. ‘And what a fool I have made of myself before
them! I let Ferfitchkin go too far, though. The brutes imag-
ine they are doing me an honour in letting me sit down with
them. They don’t understand that it’s an honour to them
and not to me! I’ve grown thinner! My clothes! Oh, damn
my trousers! Zverkov noticed the yellow stain on the knee
as soon as he came in .... But what’s the use! I must get up at
once, this very minute, take my hat and simply go without
a word ... with contempt! And tomorrow I can send a chal-
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lenge. The scoundrels! As though I cared about the seven
roubles. They may think .... Damn it! I don’t care about the
seven roubles. I’ll go this minute!’
Of course I remained. I drank sherry and Lafitte by the
glassful in my discomfiture. Being unaccustomed to it, I
was quickly affected. My annoyance increased as the wine
went to my head. I longed all at once to insult them all in a
most flagrant manner and then go away. To seize the mo-
ment and show what I could do, so that they would say,
‘He’s clever, though he is absurd,’ and ... and ... in fact, damn
them all!
I scanned them all insolently with my drowsy eyes. But
they seemed to have forgotten me altogether. They were
noisy, vociferous, cheerful. Zverkov was talking all the
time. I began listening. Zverkov was talking of some exu-
berant lady whom he had at last led on to declaring her love
(of course, he was lying like a horse), and how he had been
helped in this affair by an intimate friend of his, a Prince
Kolya, an officer in the hussars, who had three thousand
serfs.
‘And yet this Kolya, who has three thousand serfs, has
not put in an appearance here tonight to see you off,’ I cut
in suddenly.
For one minute every one was silent. ‘You are drunk al-
ready.’ Trudolyubov deigned to notice me at last, glancing
contemptuously in my direction. Zverkov, without a word,
examined me as though I were an insect. I dropped my eyes.
Simonov made haste to fill up the glasses with champagne.
Trudolyubov raised his glass, as did everyone else but
Notes from the Underground
me.
‘Your health and good luck on the journey!’ he cried to
Zverkov. ‘To old times, to our future, hurrah!’
They all tossed off their glasses, and crowded round
Zverkov to kiss him. I did not move; my full glass stood un-
touched before me.
‘Why, aren’t you going to drink it?’ roared Trudolyubov,
losing patience and turning menacingly to me.
‘I want to make a speech separately, on my own account
... and then I’ll drink it, Mr. Trudolyubov.’
‘Spiteful brute!’ muttered Simonov. I drew myself up in
my chair and feverishly seized my glass, prepared for some-
thing extraordinary, though I did not know myself precisely
what I was going to say.
‘SILENCE!’ cried Ferfitchkin. ‘Now for a display of wit!’
Zverkov waited very gravely, knowing what was coming.
‘Mr. Lieutenant Zverkov,’ I began, ‘let me tell you that I
hate phrases, phrasemongers and men in corsets ... that’s
the first point, and there is a second one to follow it.’
There was a general stir.
‘The second point is: I hate ribaldry and ribald talkers.
Especially ribald talkers! The third point: I love justice,
truth and honesty.’ I went on almost mechanically, for I
was beginning to shiver with horror myself and had no idea
how I came to be talking like this. ‘I love thought, Monsieur
Zverkov; I love true comradeship, on an equal footing and
not ... H’m ... I love ... But, however, why not? I will drink
your health, too, Mr. Zverkov. Seduce the Circassian girls,
shoot the enemies of the fatherland and ... and ... to your
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health, Monsieur Zverkov!’
Zverkov got up from his seat, bowed to me and said:
‘I am very much obliged to you.’ He was frightfully of-
fended and turned pale.
‘Damn the fellow!’ roared Trudolyubov, bringing his fist
down on the table.
‘Well, he wants a punch in the face for that,’ squealed Fer-
fitchkin.
‘We ought to turn him out,’ muttered Simonov.
‘Not a word, gentlemen, not a movement!’ cried Zverkov
solemnly, checking the general indignation. ‘I thank you all,
but I can show him for myself how much value I attach to
his words.’
‘Mr. Ferfitchkin, you will give me satisfaction tomorrow
for your words just now!’ I said aloud, turning with dignity
to Ferfitchkin.
‘A duel, you mean? Certainly,’ he answered. But probably
I was so ridiculous as I challenged him and it was so out of
keeping with my appearance that everyone including Fer-
fitchkin was prostrate with laughter.
‘Yes, let him alone, of course! He is quite drunk,’ Tru-
dolyubov said with disgust.
‘I shall never forgive myself for letting him join us,’ Si-
monov muttered again.
‘Now is the time to throw a bottle at their heads,’ I thought
to myself. I picked up the bottle ... and filled my glass .... ‘No,
I’d better sit on to the end,’ I went on thinking; ‘you would
be pleased, my friends, if I went away. Nothing will induce
me to go. I’ll go on sitting here and drinking to the end, on
Notes from the Underground100
purpose, as a sign that I don’t think you of the slightest con-
sequence. I will go on sitting and drinking, because this is a
public-house and I paid my entrance money. I’ll sit here and
drink, for I look upon you as so many pawns, as inanimate
pawns. I’ll sit here and drink ... and sing if I want to, yes,
sing, for I have the right to ... to sing ... H’m!’
But I did not sing. I simply tried not to look at any of
them. I assumed most unconcerned attitudes and waited
with impatience for them to speak FIRST. But alas, they
did not address me! And oh, how I wished, how I wished
at that moment to be reconciled to them! It struck eight, at
last nine. They moved from the table to the sofa. Zverkov
stretched himself on a lounge and put one foot on a round
table. Wine was brought there. He did, as a fact, order three
bottles on his own account. I, of course, was not invited to
join them. They all sat round him on the sofa. They listened
to him, almost with reverence. It was evident that they were
fond of him. ‘What for? What for?’ I wondered. From time
to time they were moved to drunken enthusiasm and kissed
each other. They talked of the Caucasus, of the nature of
true passion, of snug berths in the service, of the income of
an hussar called Podharzhevsky, whom none of them knew
personally, and rejoiced in the largeness of it, of the extraor-
dinary grace and beauty of a Princess D., whom none of
them had ever seen; then it came to Shakespeare’s being im-
mortal.
I smiled contemptuously and walked up and down the
other side of the room, opposite the sofa, from the table to
the stove and back again. I tried my very utmost to show
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them that I could do without them, and yet I purposely
made a noise with my boots, thumping with my heels. But
it was all in vain. They paid no attention. I had the patience
to walk up and down in front of them from eight o’clock till
eleven, in the same place, from the table to the stove and
back again. ‘I walk up and down to please myself and no
one can prevent me.’ The waiter who came into the room
stopped, from time to time, to look at me. I was somewhat
giddy from turning round so often; at moments it seemed
to me that I was in delirium. During those three hours I
was three times soaked with sweat and dry again. At times,
with an intense, acute pang I was stabbed to the heart by
the thought that ten years, twenty years, forty years would
pass, and that even in forty years I would remember with
loathing and humiliation those filthiest, most ludicrous,
and most awful moments of my life. No one could have
gone out of his way to degrade himself more shamelessly,
and I fully realised it, fully, and yet I went on pacing up
and down from the table to the stove. ‘Oh, if you only knew
what thoughts and feelings I am capable of, how cultured I
am!’ I thought at moments, mentally addressing the sofa on
which my enemies were sitting. But my enemies behaved
as though I were not in the room. Once—only once— they
turned towards me, just when Zverkov was talking about
Shakespeare, and I suddenly gave a contemptuous laugh. I
laughed in such an affected and disgusting way that they all
at once broke off their conversation, and silently and grave-
ly for two minutes watched me walking up and down from
the table to the stove, TAKING NO NOTICE OF THEM.
Notes from the Underground10
But nothing came of it: they said nothing, and two minutes
later they ceased to notice me again. It struck eleven.
‘Friends,’ cried Zverkov getting up from the sofa, ‘let us
all be off now, THERE!’
‘Of course, of course,’ the others assented. I turned sharp-
ly to Zverkov. I was so harassed, so exhausted, that I would
have cut my throat to put an end to it. I was in a fever; my
hair, soaked with perspiration, stuck to my forehead and
temples.
‘Zverkov, I beg your pardon,’ I said abruptly and reso-
lutely. ‘Ferfitchkin, yours too, and everyone’s, everyone’s: I
have insulted you all!’
‘Aha! A duel is not in your line, old man,’ Ferfitchkin
hissed venomously.
It sent a sharp pang to my heart.
‘No, it’s not the duel I am afraid of, Ferfitchkin! I am
ready to fight you tomorrow, after we are reconciled. I insist
upon it, in fact, and you cannot refuse. I want to show you
that I am not afraid of a duel. You shall fire first and I shall
fire into the air.’
‘He is comforting himself,’ said Simonov.
‘He’s simply raving,’ said Trudolyubov.
‘But let us pass. Why are you barring our way? What
do you want?’ Zverkov answered disdainfully. They were
all flushed, their eyes were bright: they had been drinking
heavily.
‘I ask for your friendship, Zverkov; I insulted you, but ...’
‘Insulted? YOU insulted ME? Understand, sir, that you
never, under any circumstances, could possibly insult ME.’
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‘And that’s enough for you. Out of the way!’ concluded
Trudolyubov.
‘Olympia is mine, friends, that’s agreed!’ cried Zverkov.
‘We won’t dispute your right, we won’t dispute your right,’
the others answered, laughing.
I stood as though spat upon. The party went noisily out
of the room. Trudolyubov struck up some stupid song. Si-
monov remained behind for a moment to tip the waiters. I
suddenly went up to him.
‘Simonov! give me six roubles!’ I said, with desperate res-
olution.
He looked at me in extreme amazement, with vacant
eyes. He, too, was drunk.
‘You don’t mean you are coming with us?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ve no money,’ he snapped out, and with a scornful
laugh he went out of the room.
I clutched at his overcoat. It was a nightmare.
‘Simonov, I saw you had money. Why do you refuse me?
Am I a scoundrel? Beware of refusing me: if you knew, if
you knew why I am asking! My whole future, my whole
plans depend upon it!’
Simonov pulled out the money and almost flung it at
me.
‘Take it, if you have no sense of shame!’ he pronounced
pitilessly, and ran to overtake them.
I was left for a moment alone. Disorder, the remains of
dinner, a broken wine-glass on the floor, spilt wine, ciga-
rette ends, fumes of drink and delirium in my brain, an
Notes from the Underground10
agonising misery in my heart and finally the waiter, who
had seen and heard all and was looking inquisitively into
my face.
‘I am going there!’ I cried. ‘Either they shall all go down
on their knees to beg for my friendship, or I will give
Zverkov a slap in the face!’
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V
‘So this is it, this is it at last—contact with real life,’ I muttered as I ran headlong downstairs. ‘This is very
different from the Pope’s leaving Rome and going to Brazil,
very different from the ball on Lake Como!’
‘You are a scoundrel,’ a thought flashed through my mind,
‘if you laugh at this now.’
‘No matter!’ I cried, answering myself. ‘Now everything
is lost!’
There was no trace to be seen of them, but that made no
difference—I knew where they had gone.
At the steps was standing a solitary night sledge-driver
in a rough peasant coat, powdered over with the still falling,
wet, and as it were warm, snow. It was hot and steamy. The
little shaggy piebald horse was also covered with snow and
coughing, I remember that very well. I made a rush for the
roughly made sledge; but as soon as I raised my foot to get
into it, the recollection of how Simonov had just given me
six roubles seemed to double me up and I tumbled into the
sledge like a sack.
‘No, I must do a great deal to make up for all that,’ I cried.
‘But I will make up for it or perish on the spot this very
night. Start!’
We set off. There was a perfect whirl in my head.
‘They won’t go down on their knees to beg for my friend-
Notes from the Underground10
ship. That is a mirage, cheap mirage, revolting, romantic
and fantastical—that’s another ball on Lake Como. And so
I am bound to slap Zverkov’s face! It is my duty to. And so
it is settled; I am flying to give him a slap in the face. Hurry
up!’
The driver tugged at the reins.
‘As soon as I go in I’ll give it him. Ought I before giv-
ing him the slap to say a few words by way of preface? No.
I’ll simply go in and give it him. They will all be sitting in
the drawing-room, and he with Olympia on the sofa. That
damned Olympia! She laughed at my looks on one occa-
sion and refused me. I’ll pull Olympia’s hair, pull Zverkov’s
ears! No, better one ear, and pull him by it round the room.
Maybe they will all begin beating me and will kick me out.
That’s most likely, indeed. No matter! Anyway, I shall first
slap him; the initiative will be mine; and by the laws of hon-
our that is everything: he will be branded and cannot wipe
off the slap by any blows, by nothing but a duel. He will be
forced to fight. And let them beat me now. Let them, the
ungrateful wretches! Trudolyubov will beat me hardest, he
is so strong; Ferfitchkin will be sure to catch hold sideways
and tug at my hair. But no matter, no matter! That’s what I
am going for. The blockheads will be forced at last to see the
tragedy of it all! When they drag me to the door I shall call
out to them that in reality they are not worth my little fin-
ger. Get on, driver, get on!’ I cried to the driver. He started
and flicked his whip, I shouted so savagely.
‘We shall fight at daybreak, that’s a settled thing. I’ve
done with the office. Ferfitchkin made a joke about it just
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now. But where can I get pistols? Nonsense! I’ll get my sal-
ary in advance and buy them. And powder, and bullets?
That’s the second’s business. And how can it all be done by
daybreak? and where am I to get a second? I have no friends.
Nonsense!’ I cried, lashing myself up more and more. ‘It’s
of no consequence! The first person I meet in the street is
bound to be my second, just as he would be bound to pull a
drowning man out of water. The most eccentric things may
happen. Even if I were to ask the director himself to be my
second tomorrow, he would be bound to consent, if only
from a feeling of chivalry, and to keep the secret! Anton
Antonitch ....’
The fact is, that at that very minute the disgusting ab-
surdity of my plan and the other side of the question was
clearer and more vivid to my imagination than it could be
to anyone on earth. But ....
‘Get on, driver, get on, you rascal, get on!’
‘Ugh, sir!’ said the son of toil.
Cold shivers suddenly ran down me. Wouldn’t it be bet-
ter ... to go straight home? My God, my God! Why did I
invite myself to this dinner yesterday? But no, it’s impos-
sible. And my walking up and down for three hours from
the table to the stove? No, they, they and no one else must
pay for my walking up and down! They must wipe out this
dishonour! Drive on!
And what if they give me into custody? They won’t dare!
They’ll be afraid of the scandal. And what if Zverkov is so
contemptuous that he refuses to fight a duel? He is sure to;
but in that case I’ll show them ... I will turn up at the post-
Notes from the Underground10
ing station when he’s setting off tomorrow, I’ll catch him
by the leg, I’ll pull off his coat when he gets into the car-
riage. I’ll get my teeth into his hand, I’ll bite him. ‘See what
lengths you can drive a desperate man to!’ He may hit me
on the head and they may belabour me from behind. I will
shout to the assembled multitude: ‘Look at this young pup-
py who is driving off to captivate the Circassian girls after
letting me spit in his face!’
Of course, after that everything will be over! The office
will have vanished off the face of the earth. I shall be ar-
rested, I shall be tried, I shall be dismissed from the service,
thrown in prison, sent to Siberia. Never mind! In fifteen
years when they let me out of prison I will trudge off to him,
a beggar, in rags. I shall find him in some provincial town.
He will be married and happy. He will have a grown-up
daughter .... I shall say to him: ‘Look, monster, at my hollow
cheeks and my rags! I’ve lost everything—my career, my
happiness, art, science, THE WOMAN I LOVED, and all
through you. Here are pistols. I have come to discharge my
pistol and ... and I ... forgive you. Then I shall fire into the air
and he will hear nothing more of me ....’
I was actually on the point of tears, though I knew per-
fectly well at that moment that all this was out of Pushkin’s
SILVIO and Lermontov’s MASQUERADE. And all at once
I felt horribly ashamed, so ashamed that I stopped the
horse, got out of the sledge, and stood still in the snow in
the middle of the street. The driver gazed at me, sighing and
astonished.
What was I to do? I could not go on there—it was ev-
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idently stupid, and I could not leave things as they were,
because that would seem as though ... Heavens, how could I
leave things! And after such insults! ‘No!’ I cried, throwing
myself into the sledge again. ‘It is ordained! It is fate! Drive
on, drive on!’
And in my impatience I punched the sledge-driver on
the back of the neck.
‘What are you up to? What are you hitting me for?’ the
peasant shouted, but he whipped up his nag so that it began
kicking.
The wet snow was falling in big flakes; I unbuttoned my-
self, regardless of it. I forgot everything else, for I had finally
decided on the slap, and felt with horror that it was going
to happen NOW, AT ONCE, and that NO FORCE COULD
STOP IT. The deserted street lamps gleamed sullenly in the
snowy darkness like torches at a funeral. The snow drifted
under my great-coat, under my coat, under my cravat, and
melted there. I did not wrap myself up—all was lost, any-
way.
At last we arrived. I jumped out, almost unconscious,
ran up the steps and began knocking and kicking at the
door. I felt fearfully weak, particularly in my legs and knees.
The door was opened quickly as though they knew I was
coming. As a fact, Simonov had warned them that perhaps
another gentleman would arrive, and this was a place in
which one had to give notice and to observe certain precau-
tions. It was one of those ‘millinery establishments’ which
were abolished by the police a good time ago. By day it re-
ally was a shop; but at night, if one had an introduction, one
Notes from the Underground110
might visit it for other purposes.
I walked rapidly through the dark shop into the familiar
drawing- room, where there was only one candle burn-
ing, and stood still in amazement: there was no one there.
‘Where are they?’ I asked somebody. But by now, of course,
they had separated. Before me was standing a person with a
stupid smile, the ‘madam’ herself, who had seen me before.
A minute later a door opened and another person came in.
Taking no notice of anything I strode about the room,
and, I believe, I talked to myself. I felt as though I had
been saved from death and was conscious of this, joyfully,
all over: I should have given that slap, I should certainly,
certainly have given it! But now they were not here and ...
everything had vanished and changed! I looked round. I
could not realise my condition yet. I looked mechanically
at the girl who had come in: and had a glimpse of a fresh,
young, rather pale face, with straight, dark eyebrows, and
with grave, as it were wondering, eyes that attracted me
at once; I should have hated her if she had been smiling.
I began looking at her more intently and, as it were, with
effort. I had not fully collected my thoughts. There was
something simple and good-natured in her face, but some-
thing strangely grave. I am sure that this stood in her way
here, and no one of those fools had noticed her. She could
not, however, have been called a beauty, though she was tall,
strong-looking, and well built. She was very simply dressed.
Something loathsome stirred within me. I went straight up
to her.
I chanced to look into the glass. My harassed face struck
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me as revolting in the extreme, pale, angry, abject, with di-
shevelled hair. ‘No matter, I am glad of it,’ I thought; ‘I am
glad that I shall seem repulsive to her; I like that.’

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[winston20]

Iv
Somewhere behind a screen a clock began wheezing, as though oppressed by something, as though someone
were strangling it. After an unnaturally prolonged wheez-
ing there followed a shrill, nasty, and as it were unexpectedly
rapid, chime—as though someone were suddenly jumping
forward. It struck two. I woke up, though I had indeed not
been asleep but lying half-conscious.
It was almost completely dark in the narrow, cramped,
low-pitched room, cumbered up with an enormous ward-
robe and piles of cardboard boxes and all sorts of frippery
and litter. The candle end that had been burning on the ta-
ble was going out and gave a faint flicker from time to time.
In a few minutes there would be complete darkness.
I was not long in coming to myself; everything came
back to my mind at once, without an effort, as though it
had been in ambush to pounce upon me again. And, indeed,
even while I was unconscious a point seemed continually
to remain in my memory unforgotten, and round it my
dreams moved drearily. But strange to say, everything that
had happened to me in that day seemed to me now, on wak-
ing, to be in the far, far away past, as though I had long, long
ago lived all that down.
My head was full of fumes. Something seemed to be
hovering over me, rousing me, exciting me, and making me
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restless. Misery and spite seemed surging up in me again
and seeking an outlet. Suddenly I saw beside me two wide
open eyes scrutinising me curiously and persistently. The
look in those eyes was coldly detached, sullen, as it were ut-
terly remote; it weighed upon me.
A grim idea came into my brain and passed all over my
body, as a horrible sensation, such as one feels when one
goes into a damp and mouldy cellar. There was something
unnatural in those two eyes, beginning to look at me only
now. I recalled, too, that during those two hours I had not
said a single word to this creature, and had, in fact, consid-
ered it utterly superfluous; in fact, the silence had for some
reason gratified me. Now I suddenly realised vividly the
hideous idea— revolting as a spider—of vice, which, with-
out love, grossly and shamelessly begins with that in which
true love finds its consummation. For a long time we gazed
at each other like that, but she did not drop her eyes before
mine and her expression did not change, so that at last I felt
uncomfortable.
‘What is your name?’ I asked abruptly, to put an end to
it.
‘Liza,’ she answered almost in a whisper, but somehow
far from graciously, and she turned her eyes away.
I was silent.
‘What weather! The snow ... it’s disgusting!’ I said, almost
to myself, putting my arm under my head despondently,
and gazing at the ceiling.
She made no answer. This was horrible.
‘Have you always lived in Petersburg?’ I asked a minute
Notes from the Underground11
later, almost angrily, turning my head slightly towards her.
‘No.’
‘Where do you come from?’
‘From Riga,’ she answered reluctantly.
‘Are you a German?’
‘No, Russian.’
‘Have you been here long?’
‘Where?’
‘In this house?’
‘A fortnight.’
She spoke more and more jerkily. The candle went out; I
could no longer distinguish her face.
‘Have you a father and mother?’
‘Yes ... no ... I have.’
‘Where are they?’
‘There ... in Riga.’
‘What are they?’
‘Oh, nothing.’
‘Nothing? Why, what class are they?’
‘Tradespeople.’
‘Have you always lived with them?’
‘Yes.’
‘How old are you?’
‘Twenty.’ ‘Why did you leave them?’
‘Oh, for no reason.’
That answer meant ‘Let me alone; I feel sick, sad.’
We were silent.
God knows why I did not go away. I felt myself more and
more sick and dreary. The images of the previous day be-
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gan of themselves, apart from my will, flitting through my
memory in confusion. I suddenly recalled something I had
seen that morning when, full of anxious thoughts, I was
hurrying to the office.
‘I saw them carrying a coffin out yesterday and they near-
ly dropped it,’ I suddenly said aloud, not that I desired to
open the conversation, but as it were by accident.
‘A coffin?’
‘Yes, in the Haymarket; they were bringing it up out of
a cellar.’
‘From a cellar?’
‘Not from a cellar, but a basement. Oh, you know ... down
below ... from a house of ill-fame. It was filthy all round ...
Egg-shells, litter ... a stench. It was loathsome.’
Silence.
‘A nasty day to be buried,’ I began, simply to avoid be-
ing silent.
‘Nasty, in what way?’
‘The snow, the wet.’ (I yawned.)
‘It makes no difference,’ she said suddenly, after a brief
silence.
‘No, it’s horrid.’ (I yawned again). ‘The gravediggers must
have sworn at getting drenched by the snow. And there
must have been water in the grave.’
‘Why water in the grave?’ she asked, with a sort of cu-
riosity, but speaking even more harshly and abruptly than
before.
I suddenly began to feel provoked.
‘Why, there must have been water at the bottom a foot
Notes from the Underground11
deep. You can’t dig a dry grave in Volkovo Cemetery.’
‘Why?’
‘Why? Why, the place is waterlogged. It’s a regular marsh.
So they bury them in water. I’ve seen it myself ... many
times.’
(I had never seen it once, indeed I had never been in
Volkovo, and had only heard stories of it.)
‘Do you mean to say, you don’t mind how you die?’
‘But why should I die?’ she answered, as though defend-
ing herself.
‘Why, some day you will die, and you will die just the
same as that dead woman. She was ... a girl like you. She
died of consumption.’
‘A wench would have died in hospital ...’ (She knows all
about it already: she said ‘wench,’ not ‘girl.’)
‘She was in debt to her madam,’ I retorted, more and
more provoked by the discussion; ‘and went on earning
money for her up to the end, though she was in consump-
tion. Some sledge-drivers standing by were talking about
her to some soldiers and telling them so. No doubt they
knew her. They were laughing. They were going to meet in a
pot-house to drink to her memory.’
A great deal of this was my invention. Silence followed,
profound silence. She did not stir.
‘And is it better to die in a hospital?’
‘Isn’t it just the same? Besides, why should I die?’ she add-
ed irritably.
‘If not now, a little later.’
‘Why a little later?’
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‘Why, indeed? Now you are young, pretty, fresh, you
fetch a high price. But after another year of this life you will
be very different—you will go off.’
‘In a year?’
‘Anyway, in a year you will be worth less,’ I continued
malignantly. ‘You will go from here to something lower, an-
other house; a year later— to a third, lower and lower, and in
seven years you will come to a basement in the Haymarket.
That will be if you were lucky. But it would be much worse
if you got some disease, consumption, say ... and caught a
chill, or something or other. It’s not easy to get over an ill-
ness in your way of life. If you catch anything you may not
get rid of it. And so you would die.’
‘Oh, well, then I shall die,’ she answered, quite vindic-
tively, and she made a quick movement.
‘But one is sorry.’
‘Sorry for whom?’
‘Sorry for life.’ Silence.
‘Have you been engaged to be married? Eh?’
‘What’s that to you?’
‘Oh, I am not cross-examining you. It’s nothing to me.
Why are you so cross? Of course you may have had your
own troubles. What is it to me? It’s simply that I felt sorry.’
‘Sorry for whom?’
‘Sorry for you.’
‘No need,’ she whispered hardly audibly, and again made
a faint movement.
That incensed me at once. What! I was so gentle with her,
and she ....
Notes from the Underground11
‘Why, do you think that you are on the right path?’
‘I don’t think anything.’
‘That’s what’s wrong, that you don’t think. Realise it while
there is still time. There still is time. You are still young,
good-looking; you might love, be married, be happy ....’
‘Not all married women are happy,’ she snapped out in
the rude abrupt tone she had used at first.
‘Not all, of course, but anyway it is much better than the
life here. Infinitely better. Besides, with love one can live
even without happiness. Even in sorrow life is sweet; life is
sweet, however one lives. But here what is there but ... foul-
ness? Phew!’
I turned away with disgust; I was no longer reasoning
coldly. I began to feel myself what I was saying and warmed
to the subject. I was already longing to expound the cher-
ished ideas I had brooded over in my corner. Something
suddenly flared up in me. An object had appeared before
me.
‘Never mind my being here, I am not an example for
you. I am, perhaps, worse than you are. I was drunk when
I came here, though,’ I hastened, however, to say in self-
defence. ‘Besides, a man is no example for a woman. It’s a
different thing. I may degrade and defile myself, but I am
not anyone’s slave. I come and go, and that’s an end of it. I
shake it off, and I am a different man. But you are a slave
from the start. Yes, a slave! You give up everything, your
whole freedom. If you want to break your chains afterwards,
you won’t be able to; you will be more and more fast in the
snares. It is an accursed bondage. I know it. I won’t speak
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of anything else, maybe you won’t understand, but tell me:
no doubt you are in debt to your madam? There, you see,’
I added, though she made no answer, but only listened in
silence, entirely absorbed, ‘that’s a bondage for you! You
will never buy your freedom. They will see to that. It’s like
selling your soul to the devil .... And besides ... perhaps, I
too, am just as unlucky—how do you know—and wallow in
the mud on purpose, out of misery? You know, men take to
drink from grief; well, maybe I am here from grief. Come,
tell me, what is there good here? Here you and I ... came to-
gether ... just now and did not say one word to one another
all the time, and it was only afterwards you began staring at
me like a wild creature, and I at you. Is that loving? Is that
how one human being should meet another? It’s hideous,
that’s what it is!’
‘Yes!’ she assented sharply and hurriedly.
I was positively astounded by the promptitude of this
‘Yes.’ So the same thought may have been straying through
her mind when she was staring at me just before. So she,
too, was capable of certain thoughts? ‘Damn it all, this was
interesting, this was a point of likeness!’ I thought, almost
rubbing my hands. And indeed it’s easy to turn a young
soul like that!
It was the exercise of my power that attracted me most.
She turned her head nearer to me, and it seemed to me in
the darkness that she propped herself on her arm. Perhaps
she was scrutinising me. How I regretted that I could not
see her eyes. I heard her deep breathing.
‘Why have you come here?’ I asked her, with a note of au-
Notes from the Underground1 0
thority already in my voice.
‘Oh, I don’t know.’
‘But how nice it would be to be living in your father’s
house! It’s warm and free; you have a home of your own.’
‘But what if it’s worse than this?’
‘I must take the right tone,’ flashed through my mind. ‘I
may not get far with sentimentality.’ But it was only a mo-
mentary thought. I swear she really did interest me. Besides,
I was exhausted and moody. And cunning so easily goes
hand-in-hand with feeling.
‘Who denies it!’ I hastened to answer. ‘Anything may hap-
pen. I am convinced that someone has wronged you, and
that you are more sinned against than sinning. Of course, I
know nothing of your story, but it’s not likely a girl like you
has come here of her own inclination ....’
‘A girl like me?’ she whispered, hardly audibly; but I
heard it.
Damn it all, I was flattering her. That was horrid. But
perhaps it was a good thing .... She was silent.
‘See, Liza, I will tell you about myself. If I had had a home
from childhood, I shouldn’t be what I am now. I often think
that. However bad it may be at home, anyway they are your
father and mother, and not enemies, strangers. Once a year
at least, they’ll show their love of you. Anyway, you know
you are at home. I grew up without a home; and perhaps
that’s why I’ve turned so ... unfeeling.’
I waited again. ‘Perhaps she doesn’t understand,’ I
thought, ‘and, indeed, it is absurd—it’s moralising.’
‘If I were a father and had a daughter, I believe I should
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love my daughter more than my sons, really,’ I began indi-
rectly, as though talking of something else, to distract her
attention. I must confess I blushed.
‘Why so?’ she asked.
Ah! so she was listening!
‘I don’t know, Liza. I knew a father who was a stern, aus-
tere man, but used to go down on his knees to his daughter,
used to kiss her hands, her feet, he couldn’t make enough of
her, really. When she danced at parties he used to stand for
five hours at a stretch, gazing at her. He was mad over her: I
understand that! She would fall asleep tired at night, and he
would wake to kiss her in her sleep and make the sign of the
cross over her. He would go about in a dirty old coat, he was
stingy to everyone else, but would spend his last penny for
her, giving her expensive presents, and it was his greatest
delight when she was pleased with what he gave her. Fa-
thers always love their daughters more than the mothers
do. Some girls live happily at home! And I believe I should
never let my daughters marry.’
‘What next?’ she said, with a faint smile.
‘I should be jealous, I really should. To think that she
should kiss anyone else! That she should love a stranger
more than her father! It’s painful to imagine it. Of course,
that’s all nonsense, of course every father would be reason-
able at last. But I believe before I should let her marry, I
should worry myself to death; I should find fault with all
her suitors. But I should end by letting her marry whom
she herself loved. The one whom the daughter loves always
seems the worst to the father, you know. That is always so.
Notes from the Underground1
So many family troubles come from that.’
‘Some are glad to sell their daughters, rather than marry-
ing them honourably.’
Ah, so that was it!
‘Such a thing, Liza, happens in those accursed families in
which there is neither love nor God,’ I retorted warmly, ‘and
where there is no love, there is no sense either. There are
such families, it’s true, but I am not speaking of them. You
must have seen wickedness in your own family, if you talk
like that. Truly, you must have been unlucky. H’m! ... that
sort of thing mostly comes about through poverty.’
‘And is it any better with the gentry? Even among the
poor, honest people who live happily?’
‘H’m ... yes. Perhaps. Another thing, Liza, man is fond
of reckoning up his troubles, but does not count his joys. If
he counted them up as he ought, he would see that every
lot has enough happiness provided for it. And what if all
goes well with the family, if the blessing of God is upon it, if
the husband is a good one, loves you, cherishes you, never
leaves you! There is happiness in such a family! Even some-
times there is happiness in the midst of sorrow; and indeed
sorrow is everywhere. If you marry YOU WILL FIND OUT
FOR YOURSELF. But think of the first years of married life
with one you love: what happiness, what happiness there
sometimes is in it! And indeed it’s the ordinary thing. In
those early days even quarrels with one’s husband end hap-
pily. Some women get up quarrels with their husbands just
because they love them. Indeed, I knew a woman like that:
she seemed to say that because she loved him, she would
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torment him and make him feel it. You know that you may
torment a man on purpose through love. Women are par-
ticularly given to that, thinking to themselves ‘I will love
him so, I will make so much of him afterwards, that it’s no
sin to torment him a little now.’ And all in the house re-
joice in the sight of you, and you are happy and gay and
peaceful and honourable .... Then there are some women
who are jealous. If he went off anywhere—I knew one such
woman, she couldn’t restrain herself, but would jump up
at night and run off on the sly to find out where he was,
whether he was with some other woman. That’s a pity. And
the woman knows herself it’s wrong, and her heart fails her
and she suffers, but she loves—it’s all through love. And
how sweet it is to make up after quarrels, to own herself in
the wrong or to forgive him! And they both are so happy
all at once—as though they had met anew, been married
over again; as though their love had begun afresh. And no
one, no one should know what passes between husband and
wife if they love one another. And whatever quarrels there
may be between them they ought not to call in their own
mother to judge between them and tell tales of one another.
They are their own judges. Love is a holy mystery and ought
to be hidden from all other eyes, whatever happens. That
makes it holier and better. They respect one another more,
and much is built on respect. And if once there has been
love, if they have been married for love, why should love
pass away? Surely one can keep it! It is rare that one can-
not keep it. And if the husband is kind and straightforward,
why should not love last? The first phase of married love
Notes from the Underground1
will pass, it is true, but then there will come a love that is
better still. Then there will be the union of souls, they will
have everything in common, there will be no secrets be-
tween them. And once they have children, the most difficult
times will seem to them happy, so long as there is love and
courage. Even toil will be a joy, you may deny yourself bread
for your children and even that will be a joy, They will love
you for it afterwards; so you are laying by for your future.
As the children grow up you feel that you are an example,
a support for them; that even after you die your children
will always keep your thoughts and feelings, because they
have received them from you, they will take on your sem-
blance and likeness. So you see this is a great duty. How can
it fail to draw the father and mother nearer? People say it’s
a trial to have children. Who says that? It is heavenly hap-
piness! Are you fond of little children, Liza? I am awfully
fond of them. You know—a little rosy baby boy at your bo-
som, and what husband’s heart is not touched, seeing his
wife nursing his child! A plump little rosy baby, sprawling
and snuggling, chubby little hands and feet, clean tiny lit-
tle nails, so tiny that it makes one laugh to look at them;
eyes that look as if they understand everything. And while
it sucks it clutches at your bosom with its little hand, plays.
When its father comes up, the child tears itself away from
the bosom, flings itself back, looks at its father, laughs, as
though it were fearfully funny, and falls to sucking again.
Or it will bite its mother’s breast when its little teeth are
coming, while it looks sideways at her with its little eyes
as though to say, ‘Look, I am biting!’ Is not all that happi-
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ness when they are the three together, husband, wife and
child? One can forgive a great deal for the sake of such mo-
ments. Yes, Liza, one must first learn to live oneself before
one blames others!’
‘It’s by pictures, pictures like that one must get at you,’ I
thought to myself, though I did speak with real feeling, and
all at once I flushed crimson. ‘What if she were suddenly to
burst out laughing, what should I do then?’ That idea drove
me to fury. Towards the end of my speech I really was excit-
ed, and now my vanity was somehow wounded. The silence
continued. I almost nudged her.
‘Why are you—‘ she began and stopped. But I under-
stood: there was a quiver of something different in her voice,
not abrupt, harsh and unyielding as before, but something
soft and shamefaced, so shamefaced that I suddenly felt
ashamed and guilty.
‘What?’ I asked, with tender curiosity.
‘Why, you ...’
‘What?’
‘Why, you ... speak somehow like a book,’ she said, and
again there was a note of irony in her voice.
That remark sent a pang to my heart. It was not what I
was expecting.
I did not understand that she was hiding her feelings
under irony, that this is usually the last refuge of modest
and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is
coarsely and intrusively invaded, and that their pride makes
them refuse to surrender till the last moment and shrink
from giving expression to their feelings before you. I ought
Notes from the Underground1
to have guessed the truth from the timidity with which she
had repeatedly approached her sarcasm, only bringing her-
self to utter it at last with an effort. But I did not guess, and
an evil feeling took possession of me.
‘Wait a bit!’ I thought.

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[winston20]

VI
‘Oh, hush, Liza! How can you talk about being like a book, when it makes even me, an outsider, feel sick?
Though I don’t look at it as an outsider, for, indeed, it touch-
es me to the heart .... Is it possible, is it possible that you do
not feel sick at being here yourself? Evidently habit does
wonders! God knows what habit can do with anyone. Can
you seriously think that you will never grow old, that you
will always be good- looking, and that they will keep you
here for ever and ever? I say nothing of the loathsomeness
of the life here .... Though let me tell you this about it—about
your present life, I mean; here though you are young now,
attractive, nice, with soul and feeling, yet you know as soon
as I came to myself just now I felt at once sick at being here
with you! One can only come here when one is drunk. But
if you were anywhere else, living as good people live, I
should perhaps be more than attracted by you, should fall
in love with you, should be glad of a look from you, let alone
a word; I should hang about your door, should go down on
my knees to you, should look upon you as my betrothed and
think it an honour to be allowed to. I should not dare to
have an impure thought about you. But here, you see, I
know that I have only to whistle and you have to come with
me whether you like it or not. I don’t consult your wishes,
but you mine. The lowest labourer hires himself as a work-
Notes from the Underground1
man, but he doesn’t make a slave of himself altogether;
besides, he knows that he will be free again presently. But
when are you free? Only think what you are giving up here?
What is it you are making a slave of? It is your soul, together
with your body; you are selling your soul which you have no
right to dispose of! You give your love to be outraged by ev-
ery drunkard! Love! But that’s everything, you know, it’s a
priceless diamond, it’s a maiden’s treasure, love—why, a
man would be ready to give his soul, to face death to gain
that love. But how much is your love worth now? You are
sold, all of you, body and soul, and there is no need to strive
for love when you can have everything without love. And
you know there is no greater insult to a girl than that, do
you understand? To be sure, I have heard that they comfort
you, poor fools, they let you have lovers of your own here.
But you know that’s simply a farce, that’s simply a sham, it’s
just laughing at you, and you are taken in by it! Why, do you
suppose he really loves you, that lover of yours? I don’t be-
lieve it. How can he love you when he knows you may be
called away from him any minute? He would be a low fellow
if he did! Will he have a grain of respect for you? What have
you in common with him? He laughs at you and robs you—
that is all his love amounts to! You are lucky if he does not
beat you. Very likely he does beat you, too. Ask him, if you
have got one, whether he will marry you. He will laugh in
your face, if he doesn’t spit in it or give you a blow—though
maybe he is not worth a bad halfpenny himself. And for
what have you ruined your life, if you come to think of it?
For the coffee they give you to drink and the plentiful meals?
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But with what object are they feeding you up? An honest
girl couldn’t swallow the food, for she would know what she
was being fed for. You are in debt here, and, of course, you
will always be in debt, and you will go on in debt to the end,
till the visitors here begin to scorn you. And that will soon
happen, don’t rely upon your youth—all that flies by ex-
press train here, you know. You will be kicked out. And not
simply kicked out; long before that she’ll begin nagging at
you, scolding you, abusing you, as though you had not sac-
rificed your health for her, had not thrown away your youth
and your soul for her benefit, but as though you had ruined
her, beggared her, robbed her. And don’t expect anyone to
take your part: the others, your companions, will attack
you, too, win her favour, for all are in slavery here, and have
lost all conscience and pity here long ago. They have be-
come utterly vile, and nothing on earth is viler, more
loathsome, and more insulting than their abuse. And you
are laying down everything here, unconditionally, youth
and health and beauty and hope, and at twenty-two you
will look like a woman of five-and-thirty, and you will be
lucky if you are not diseased, pray to God for that! No doubt
you are thinking now that you have a gay time and no work
to do! Yet there is no work harder or more dreadful in the
world or ever has been. One would think that the heart
alone would be worn out with tears. And you won’t dare to
say a word, not half a word when they drive you away from
here; you will go away as though you were to blame. You
will change to another house, then to a third, then some-
where else, till you come down at last to the Haymarket.
Notes from the Underground1 0
There you will be beaten at every turn; that is good manners
there, the visitors don’t know how to be friendly without
beating you. You don’t believe that it is so hateful there? Go
and look for yourself some time, you can see with your own
eyes. Once, one New Year’s Day, I saw a woman at a door.
They had turned her out as a joke, to give her a taste of the
frost because she had been crying so much, and they shut
the door behind her. At nine o’clock in the morning she was
already quite drunk, dishevelled, half-naked, covered with
bruises, her face was powdered, but she had a black-eye,
blood was trickling from her nose and her teeth; some cab-
man had just given her a drubbing. She was sitting on the
stone steps, a salt fish of some sort was in her hand; she was
crying, wailing something about her luck and beating with
the fish on the steps, and cabmen and drunken soldiers
were crowding in the doorway taunting her. You don’t be-
lieve that you will ever be like that? I should be sorry to
believe it, too, but how do you know; maybe ten years, eight
years ago that very woman with the salt fish came here fresh
as a cherub, innocent, pure, knowing no evil, blushing at
every word. Perhaps she was like you, proud, ready to take
offence, not like the others; perhaps she looked like a queen,
and knew what happiness was in store for the man who
should love her and whom she should love. Do you see how
it ended? And what if at that very minute when she was
beating on the filthy steps with that fish, drunken and di-
shevelled—what if at that very minute she recalled the pure
early days in her father’s house, when she used to go to
school and the neighbour’s son watched for her on the way,
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declaring that he would love her as long as he lived, that he
would devote his life to her, and when they vowed to love
one another for ever and be married as soon as they were
grown up! No, Liza, it would be happy for you if you were to
die soon of consumption in some corner, in some cellar like
that woman just now. In the hospital, do you say? You will
be lucky if they take you, but what if you are still of use to
the madam here? Consumption is a queer disease, it is not
like fever. The patient goes on hoping till the last minute
and says he is all right. He deludes himself And that just
suits your madam. Don’t doubt it, that’s how it is; you have
sold your soul, and what is more you owe money, so you
daren’t say a word. But when you are dying, all will aban-
don you, all will turn away from you, for then there will be
nothing to get from you. What’s more, they will reproach
you for cumbering the place, for being so long over dying.
However you beg you won’t get a drink of water without
abuse: ‘Whenever are you going off, you nasty hussy, you
won’t let us sleep with your moaning, you make the gentle-
men sick.’ That’s true, I have heard such things said myself.
They will thrust you dying into the filthiest corner in the
cellar—in the damp and darkness; what will your thoughts
be, lying there alone? When you die, strange hands will lay
you out, with grumbling and impatience; no one will bless
you, no one will sigh for you, they only want to get rid of
you as soon as may be; they will buy a coffin, take you to the
grave as they did that poor woman today, and celebrate
your memory at the tavern. In the grave, sleet, filth, wet
snow— no need to put themselves out for you—‘Let her
Notes from the Underground1
down, Vanuha; it’s just like her luck—even here, she is head-
foremost, the hussy. Shorten the cord, you rascal.’ ‘It’s all
right as it is.’ ‘All right, is it? Why, she’s on her side! She was
a fellow-creature, after all! But, never mind, throw the earth
on her.’ And they won’t care to waste much time quarrelling
over you. They will scatter the wet blue clay as quick as they
can and go off to the tavern ... and there your memory on
earth will end; other women have children to go to their
graves, fathers, husbands. While for you neither tear, nor
sigh, nor remembrance; no one in the whole world will ever
come to you, your name will vanish from the face of the
earth—as though you had never existed, never been born at
all! Nothing but filth and mud, however you knock at your
coffin lid at night, when the dead arise, however you cry:
‘Let me out, kind people, to live in the light of day! My life
was no life at all; my life has been thrown away like a dish-
clout; it was drunk away in the tavern at the Haymarket; let
me out, kind people, to live in the world again.’’
And I worked myself up to such a pitch that I began to
have a lump in my throat myself, and ... and all at once I
stopped, sat up in dismay and, bending over apprehensive-
ly, began to listen with a beating heart. I had reason to be
troubled.
I had felt for some time that I was turning her soul up-
side down and rending her heart, and—and the more I was
convinced of it, the more eagerly I desired to gain my object
as quickly and as effectually as possible. It was the exercise
of my skill that carried me away; yet it was not merely sport
....
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I knew I was speaking stiffly, artificially, even bookish-
ly, in fact, I could not speak except ‘like a book.’ But that
did not trouble me: I knew, I felt that I should be under-
stood and that this very bookishness might be an assistance.
But now, having attained my effect, I was suddenly panic-
stricken. Never before had I witnessed such despair! She
was lying on her face, thrusting her face into the pillow and
clutching it in both hands. Her heart was being torn. Her
youthful body was shuddering all over as though in convul-
sions. Suppressed sobs rent her bosom and suddenly burst
out in weeping and wailing, then she pressed closer into the
pillow: she did not want anyone here, not a living soul, to
know of her anguish and her tears. She bit the pillow, bit
her hand till it bled (I saw that afterwards), or, thrusting
her fingers into her dishevelled hair, seemed rigid with the
effort of restraint, holding her breath and clenching her
teeth. I began saying something, begging her to calm her-
self, but felt that I did not dare; and all at once, in a sort of
cold shiver, almost in terror, began fumbling in the dark,
trying hurriedly to get dressed to go. It was dark; though I
tried my best I could not finish dressing quickly. Suddenly I
felt a box of matches and a candlestick with a whole candle
in it. As soon as the room was lighted up, Liza sprang up,
sat up in bed, and with a contorted face, with a half insane
smile, looked at me almost senselessly. I sat down beside her
and took her hands; she came to herself, made an impulsive
movement towards me, would have caught hold of me, but
did not dare, and slowly bowed her head before me.
‘Liza, my dear, I was wrong ... forgive me, my dear,’ I be-
Notes from the Underground1
gan, but she squeezed my hand in her fingers so tightly that
I felt I was saying the wrong thing and stopped.
‘This is my address, Liza, come to me.’
‘I will come,’ she answered resolutely, her head still
bowed.
‘But now I am going, good-bye ... till we meet again.’
I got up; she, too, stood up and suddenly flushed all over,
gave a shudder, snatched up a shawl that was lying on a chair
and muffled herself in it to her chin. As she did this she gave
another sickly smile, blushed and looked at me strangely. I
felt wretched; I was in haste to get away—to disappear.
‘Wait a minute,’ she said suddenly, in the passage just at
the doorway, stopping me with her hand on my overcoat.
She put down the candle in hot haste and ran off; evidently
she had thought of something or wanted to show me some-
thing. As she ran away she flushed, her eyes shone, and
there was a smile on her lips—what was the meaning of it?
Against my will I waited: she came back a minute later with
an expression that seemed to ask forgiveness for something.
In fact, it was not the same face, not the same look as the
evening before: sullen, mistrustful and obstinate. Her eyes
now were imploring, soft, and at the same time trustful, ca-
ressing, timid. The expression with which children look at
people they are very fond of, of whom they are asking a fa-
vour. Her eyes were a light hazel, they were lovely eyes, full
of life, and capable of expressing love as well as sullen ha-
tred.
Making no explanation, as though I, as a sort of higher
being, must understand everything without explanations,
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she held out a piece of paper to me. Her whole face was pos-
itively beaming at that instant with naive, almost childish,
triumph. I unfolded it. It was a letter to her from a medi-
cal student or someone of that sort—a very high-flown and
flowery, but extremely respectful, love-letter. I don’t recall
the words now, but I remember well that through the high-
flown phrases there was apparent a genuine feeling, which
cannot be feigned. When I had finished reading it I met her
glowing, questioning, and childishly impatient eyes fixed
upon me. She fastened her eyes upon my face and waited
impatiently for what I should say. In a few words, hurriedly,
but with a sort of joy and pride, she explained to me that she
had been to a dance somewhere in a private house, a family
of ‘very nice people, WHO KNEW NOTHING, absolute-
ly nothing, for she had only come here so lately and it had
all happened ... and she hadn’t made up her mind to stay
and was certainly going away as soon as she had paid her
debt...’ and at that party there had been the student who had
danced with her all the evening. He had talked to her, and it
turned out that he had known her in old days at Riga when
he was a child, they had played together, but a very long
time ago—and he knew her parents, but ABOUT THIS he
knew nothing, nothing whatever, and had no suspicion!
And the day after the dance (three days ago) he had sent her
that letter through the friend with whom she had gone to
the party ... and ... well, that was all.’
She dropped her shining eyes with a sort of bashfulness
as she finished.
The poor girl was keeping that student’s letter as a pre-
Notes from the Underground1
cious treasure, and had run to fetch it, her only treasure,
because she did not want me to go away without knowing
that she, too, was honestly and genuinely loved; that she,
too, was addressed respectfully. No doubt that letter was
destined to lie in her box and lead to nothing. But none the
less, I am certain that she would keep it all her life as a pre-
cious treasure, as her pride and justification, and now at
such a minute she had thought of that letter and brought it
with naive pride to raise herself in my eyes that I might see,
that I, too, might think well of her. I said nothing, pressed
her hand and went out. I so longed to get away ... I walked
all the way home, in spite of the fact that the melting snow
was still falling in heavy flakes. I was exhausted, shattered,
in bewilderment. But behind the bewilderment the truth
was already gleaming. The loathsome truth

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[winston20]

VII
It was some time, however, before I consented to recognise that truth. Waking up in the morning after some hours of
heavy, leaden sleep, and immediately realising all that had
happened on the previous day, I was positively amazed at
my last night’s SENTIMENTALITY with Liza, at all those
‘outcries of horror and pity.’ ‘To think of having such an at-
tack of womanish hysteria, pah!’ I concluded. And what did
I thrust my address upon her for? What if she comes? Let
her come, though; it doesn’t matter .... But OBVIOUSLY,
that was not now the chief and the most important matter:
I had to make haste and at all costs save my reputation in
the eyes of Zverkov and Simonov as quickly as possible; that
was the chief business. And I was so taken up that morning
that I actually forgot all about Liza.
First of all I had at once to repay what I had borrowed
the day before from Simonov. I resolved on a desperate
measure: to borrow fifteen roubles straight off from Anton
Antonitch. As luck would have it he was in the best of hu-
mours that morning, and gave it to me at once, on the first
asking. I was so delighted at this that, as I signed the IOU
with a swaggering air, I told him casually that the night be-
fore ‘I had been keeping it up with some friends at the Hotel
de Paris; we were giving a farewell party to a comrade, in
fact, I might say a friend of my childhood, and you know—a
Notes from the Underground1
desperate rake, fearfully spoilt—of course, he belongs to a
good family, and has considerable means, a brilliant career;
he is witty, charming, a regular Lovelace, you understand;
we drank an extra ‘half-dozen’ and ...’
And it went off all right; all this was uttered very easily,
unconstrainedly and complacently.
On reaching home I promptly wrote to Simonov.
To this hour I am lost in admiration when I recall the
truly gentlemanly, good-humoured, candid tone of my let-
ter. With tact and good- breeding, and, above all, entirely
without superfluous words, I blamed myself for all that had
happened. I defended myself, ‘if I really may be allowed to
defend myself,’ by alleging that being utterly unaccustomed
to wine, I had been intoxicated with the first glass, which I
said, I had drunk before they arrived, while I was waiting
for them at the Hotel de Paris between five and six o’clock.
I begged Simonov’s pardon especially; I asked him to con-
vey my explanations to all the others, especially to Zverkov,
whom ‘I seemed to remember as though in a dream’ I had
insulted. I added that I would have called upon all of them
myself, but my head ached, and besides I had not the face to.
I was particularly pleased with a certain lightness, almost
carelessness (strictly within the bounds of politeness, how-
ever), which was apparent in my style, and better than any
possible arguments, gave them at once to understand that I
took rather an independent view of ‘all that unpleasantness
last night”; that I was by no means so utterly crushed as you,
my friends, probably imagine; but on the contrary, looked
upon it as a gentleman serenely respecting himself should
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look upon it. ‘On a young hero’s past no censure is cast!’
‘There is actually an aristocratic playfulness about it!’ I
thought admiringly, as I read over the letter. ‘And it’s all
because I am an intellectual and cultivated man! Another
man in my place would not have known how to extricate
himself, but here I have got out of it and am as jolly as ever
again, and all because I am ‘a cultivated and educated man
of our day.’ And, indeed, perhaps, everything was due to the
wine yesterday. H’m!’ ... No, it was not the wine. I did not
drink anything at all between five and six when I was wait-
ing for them. I had lied to Simonov; I had lied shamelessly;
and indeed I wasn’t ashamed now .... Hang it all though, the
great thing was that I was rid of it.
I put six roubles in the letter, sealed it up, and asked Apol-
lon to take it to Simonov. When he learned that there was
money in the letter, Apollon became more respectful and
agreed to take it. Towards evening I went out for a walk. My
head was still aching and giddy after yesterday. But as eve-
ning came on and the twilight grew denser, my impressions
and, following them, my thoughts, grew more and more
different and confused. Something was not dead within
me, in the depths of my heart and conscience it would not
die, and it showed itself in acute depression. For the most
part I jostled my way through the most crowded business
streets, along Myeshtchansky Street, along Sadovy Street
and in Yusupov Garden. I always liked particularly saun-
tering along these streets in the dusk, just when there were
crowds of working people of all sorts going home from their
daily work, with faces looking cross with anxiety. What I
Notes from the Underground1 0
liked was just that cheap bustle, that bare prose. On this oc-
casion the jostling of the streets irritated me more than ever,
I could not make out what was wrong with me, I could not
find the clue, something seemed rising up continually in
my soul, painfully, and refusing to be appeased. I returned
home completely upset, it was just as though some crime
were lying on my conscience.
The thought that Liza was coming worried me continu-
ally. It seemed queer to me that of all my recollections of
yesterday this tormented me, as it were, especially, as it were,
quite separately. Everything else I had quite succeeded in
forgetting by the evening; I dismissed it all and was still
perfectly satisfied with my letter to Simonov. But on this
point I was not satisfied at all. It was as though I were wor-
ried only by Liza. ‘What if she comes,’ I thought incessantly,
‘well, it doesn’t matter, let her come! H’m! it’s horrid that
she should see, for instance, how I live. Yesterday I seemed
such a hero to her, while now, h’m! It’s horrid, though, that
I have let myself go so, the room looks like a beggar’s. And
I brought myself to go out to dinner in such a suit! And my
American leather sofa with the stuffing sticking out. And
my dressing-gown, which will not cover me, such tatters,
and she will see all this and she will see Apollon. That beast
is certain to insult her. He will fasten upon her in order to
be rude to me. And I, of course, shall be panic-stricken as
usual, I shall begin bowing and scraping before her and
pulling my dressing-gown round me, I shall begin smiling,
telling lies. Oh, the beastliness! And it isn’t the beastliness
of it that matters most! There is something more important,
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more loathsome, viler! Yes, viler! And to put on that dis-
honest lying mask again! ...’
When I reached that thought I fired up all at once.
‘Why dishonest? How dishonest? I was speaking sincere-
ly last night. I remember there was real feeling in me, too.
What I wanted was to excite an honourable feeling in her ....
Her crying was a good thing, it will have a good effect.’
Yet I could not feel at ease. All that evening, even when
I had come back home, even after nine o’clock, when I cal-
culated that Liza could not possibly come, still she haunted
me, and what was worse, she came back to my mind always
in the same position. One moment out of all that had hap-
pened last night stood vividly before my imagination; the
moment when I struck a match and saw her pale, distorted
face, with its look of torture. And what a pitiful, what an un-
natural, what a distorted smile she had at that moment! But
I did not know then, that fifteen years later I should still in
my imagination see Liza, always with the pitiful, distorted,
inappropriate smile which was on her face at that minute.
Next day I was ready again to look upon it all as nonsense,
due to over- excited nerves, and, above all, as EXAGGER-
ATED. I was always conscious of that weak point of mine,
and sometimes very much afraid of it. ‘I exaggerate every-
thing, that is where I go wrong,’ I repeated to myself every
hour. But, however, ‘Liza will very likely come all the same,’
was the refrain with which all my reflections ended. I was
so uneasy that I sometimes flew into a fury: ‘She’ll come,
she is certain to come!’ I cried, running about the room, ‘if
not today, she will come tomorrow; she’ll find me out! The
Notes from the Underground1
damnable romanticism of these pure hearts! Oh, the vile-
ness—oh, the silliness—oh, the stupidity of these ‘wretched
sentimental souls!’ Why, how fail to understand? How
could one fail to understand? ...’
But at this point I stopped short, and in great confusion,
indeed.
And how few, how few words, I thought, in passing, were
needed; how little of the idyllic (and affectedly, bookishly,
artificially idyllic too) had sufficed to turn a whole human
life at once according to my will. That’s virginity, to be sure!
Freshness of soil!
At times a thought occurred to me, to go to her, ‘to tell her
all,’ and beg her not to come to me. But this thought stirred
such wrath in me that I believed I should have crushed that
‘damned’ Liza if she had chanced to be near me at the time.
I should have insulted her, have spat at her, have turned her
out, have struck her!
One day passed, however, another and another; she did
not come and I began to grow calmer. I felt particularly
bold and cheerful after nine o’clock, I even sometimes be-
gan dreaming, and rather sweetly: I, for instance, became
the salvation of Liza, simply through her coming to me and
my talking to her .... I develop her, educate her. Finally, I
notice that she loves me, loves me passionately. I pretend
not to understand (I don’t know, however, why I pretend,
just for effect, perhaps). At last all confusion, transfigured,
trembling and sobbing, she flings herself at my feet and says
that I am her saviour, and that she loves me better than any-
thing in the world. I am amazed, but .... ‘Liza,’ I say, ‘can
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you imagine that I have not noticed your love? I saw it all, I
divined it, but I did not dare to approach you first, because
I had an influence over you and was afraid that you would
force yourself, from gratitude, to respond to my love, would
try to rouse in your heart a feeling which was perhaps ab-
sent, and I did not wish that ... because it would be tyranny
... it would be indelicate (in short, I launch off at that point
into European, inexplicably lofty subtleties a la George
Sand), but now, now you are mine, you are my creation, you
are pure, you are good, you are my noble wife.
‘Into my house come bold and free,
Its rightful mistress there to be’.’
Then we begin living together, go abroad and so on, and
so on. In fact, in the end it seemed vulgar to me myself, and
I began putting out my tongue at myself.
Besides, they won’t let her out, ‘the hussy!’ I thought. They
don’t let them go out very readily, especially in the evening
(for some reason I fancied she would come in the evening,
and at seven o’clock precisely). Though she did say she was
not altogether a slave there yet, and had certain rights; so,
h’m! Damn it all, she will come, she is sure to come!
It was a good thing, in fact, that Apollon distracted my
attention at that time by his rudeness. He drove me beyond
all patience! He was the bane of my life, the curse laid upon
me by Providence. We had been squabbling continually for
years, and I hated him. My God, how I hated him! I be-
lieve I had never hated anyone in my life as I hated him,
Notes from the Underground1
especially at some moments. He was an elderly, dignified
man, who worked part of his time as a tailor. But for some
unknown reason he despised me beyond all measure, and
looked down upon me insufferably. Though, indeed, he
looked down upon everyone. Simply to glance at that flax-
en, smoothly brushed head, at the tuft of hair he combed
up on his forehead and oiled with sunflower oil, at that
dignified mouth, compressed into the shape of the letter V,
made one feel one was confronting a man who never doubt-
ed of himself. He was a pedant, to the most extreme point,
the greatest pedant I had met on earth, and with that had
a vanity only befitting Alexander of Macedon. He was in
love with every button on his coat, every nail on his fin-
gers—absolutely in love with them, and he looked it! In his
behaviour to me he was a perfect tyrant, he spoke very little
to me, and if he chanced to glance at me he gave me a firm,
majestically self- confident and invariably ironical look that
drove me sometimes to fury. He did his work with the air
of doing me the greatest favour, though he did scarcely any-
thing for me, and did not, indeed, consider himself bound
to do anything. There could be no doubt that he looked
upon me as the greatest fool on earth, and that ‘he did not
get rid of me’ was simply that he could get wages from me
every month. He consented to do nothing for me for seven
roubles a month. Many sins should be forgiven me for what
I suffered from him. My hatred reached such a point that
sometimes his very step almost threw me into convulsions.
What I loathed particularly was his lisp. His tongue must
have been a little too long or something of that sort, for he
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continually lisped, and seemed to be very proud of it, imag-
ining that it greatly added to his dignity. He spoke in a slow,
measured tone, with his hands behind his back and his eyes
fixed on the ground. He maddened me particularly when
he read aloud the psalms to himself behind his partition.
Many a battle I waged over that reading! But he was aw-
fully fond of reading aloud in the evenings, in a slow, even,
sing-song voice, as though over the dead. It is interesting
that that is how he has ended: he hires himself out to read
the psalms over the dead, and at the same time he kills rats
and makes blacking. But at that time I could not get rid of
him, it was as though he were chemically combined with
my existence. Besides, nothing would have induced him to
consent to leave me. I could not live in furnished lodgings:
my lodging was my private solitude, my shell, my cave, in
which I concealed myself from all mankind, and Apollon
seemed to me, for some reason, an integral part of that flat,
and for seven years I could not turn him away.
To be two or three days behind with his wages, for in-
stance, was impossible. He would have made such a fuss, I
should not have known where to hide my head. But I was so
exasperated with everyone during those days, that I made
up my mind for some reason and with some object to PUN-
ISH Apollon and not to pay him for a fortnight the wages
that were owing him. I had for a long time—for the last
two years—been intending to do this, simply in order to
teach him not to give himself airs with me, and to show him
that if I liked I could withhold his wages. I purposed to say
nothing to him about it, and was purposely silent indeed, in
Notes from the Underground1
order to score off his pride and force him to be the first to
speak of his wages. Then I would take the seven roubles out
of a drawer, show him I have the money put aside on pur-
pose, but that I won’t, I won’t, I simply won’t pay him his
wages, I won’t just because that is ‘what I wish,’ because ‘I
am master, and it is for me to decide,’ because he has been
disrespectful, because he has been rude; but if he were to ask
respectfully I might be softened and give it to him, other-
wise he might wait another fortnight, another three weeks,
a whole month ....
But angry as I was, yet he got the better of me. I could not
hold out for four days. He began as he always did begin in
such cases, for there had been such cases already, there had
been attempts (and it may be observed I knew all this be-
forehand, I knew his nasty tactics by heart). He would begin
by fixing upon me an exceedingly severe stare, keeping it up
for several minutes at a time, particularly on meeting me
or seeing me out of the house. If I held out and pretended
not to notice these stares, he would, still in silence, proceed
to further tortures. All at once, A PROPOS of nothing, he
would walk softly and smoothly into my room, when I was
pacing up and down or reading, stand at the door, one hand
behind his back and one foot behind the other, and fix upon
me a stare more than severe, utterly contemptuous. If I sud-
denly asked him what he wanted, he would make me no
answer, but continue staring at me persistently for some
seconds, then, with a peculiar compression of his lips and a
most significant air, deliberately turn round and deliberate-
ly go back to his room. Two hours later he would come out
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again and again present himself before me in the same way.
It had happened that in my fury I did not even ask him what
he wanted, but simply raised my head sharply and imperi-
ously and began staring back at him. So we stared at one
another for two minutes; at last he turned with deliberation
and dignity and went back again for two hours.
If I were still not brought to reason by all this, but per-
sisted in my revolt, he would suddenly begin sighing while
he looked at me, long, deep sighs as though measuring by
them the depths of my moral degradation, and, of course,
it ended at last by his triumphing completely: I raged and
shouted, but still was forced to do what he wanted.
This time the usual staring manoeuvres had scarcely be-
gun when I lost my temper and flew at him in a fury. I was
irritated beyond endurance apart from him.
‘Stay,’ I cried, in a frenzy, as he was slowly and silently
turning, with one hand behind his back, to go to his room.
‘Stay! Come back, come back, I tell you!’ and I must have
bawled so unnaturally, that he turned round and even
looked at me with some wonder. However, he persisted in
saying nothing, and that infuriated me.
‘How dare you come and look at me like that without be-
ing sent for? Answer!’
After looking at me calmly for half a minute, he began
turning round again.
‘Stay!’ I roared, running up to him, ‘don’t stir! There. An-
swer, now: what did you come in to look at?’
‘If you have any order to give me it’s my duty to carry it
out,’ he answered, after another silent pause, with a slow,
Notes from the Underground1
measured lisp, raising his eyebrows and calmly twisting his
head from one side to another, all this with exasperating
composure.
‘That’s not what I am asking you about, you torturer!’ I
shouted, turning crimson with anger. ‘I’ll tell you why you
came here myself: you see, I don’t give you your wages, you
are so proud you don’t want to bow down and ask for it, and
so you come to punish me with your stupid stares, to worry
me and you have no sus-pic-ion how stupid it is— stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid! ...’
He would have turned round again without a word, but
I seized him.
‘Listen,’ I shouted to him. ‘Here’s the money, do you see,
here it is,’ (I took it out of the table drawer); ‘here’s the seven
roubles complete, but you are not going to have it, you ... are
... not ... going ... to ... have it until you come respectfully
with bowed head to beg my pardon. Do you hear?’
‘That cannot be,’ he answered, with the most unnatural
self-confidence.
‘It shall be so,’ I said, ‘I give you my word of honour, it
shall be!’
‘And there’s nothing for me to beg your pardon for,’ he
went on, as though he had not noticed my exclamations at
all. ‘Why, besides, you called me a ‘torturer,’ for which I can
summon you at the police-station at any time for insulting
behaviour.’
‘Go, summon me,’ I roared, ‘go at once, this very minute,
this very second! You are a torturer all the same! a tortur-
er!’
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But he merely looked at me, then turned, and regardless
of my loud calls to him, he walked to his room with an even
step and without looking round.
‘If it had not been for Liza nothing of this would have
happened,’ I decided inwardly. Then, after waiting a minute,
I went myself behind his screen with a dignified and solemn
air, though my heart was beating slowly and violently.
‘Apollon,’ I said quietly and emphatically, though I was
breathless, ‘go at once without a minute’s delay and fetch
the police-officer.’
He had meanwhile settled himself at his table, put on his
spectacles and taken up some sewing. But, hearing my or-
der, he burst into a guffaw.
‘At once, go this minute! Go on, or else you can’t imagine
what will happen.’
‘You are certainly out of your mind,’ he observed, with-
out even raising his head, lisping as deliberately as ever and
threading his needle. ‘Whoever heard of a man sending for
the police against himself? And as for being frightened—
you are upsetting yourself about nothing, for nothing will
come of it.’
‘Go!’ I shrieked, clutching him by the shoulder. I felt I
should strike him in a minute.
But I did not notice the door from the passage softly
and slowly open at that instant and a figure come in, stop
short, and begin staring at us in perplexity I glanced, nearly
swooned with shame, and rushed back to my room. There,
clutching at my hair with both hands, I leaned my head
against the wall and stood motionless in that position.
Notes from the Underground1 0
Two minutes later I heard Apollon’s deliberate footsteps.
‘There is some woman asking for you,’ he said, looking at me
with peculiar severity. Then he stood aside and let in Liza.
He would not go away, but stared at us sarcastically.
‘Go away, go away,’ I commanded in desperation. At that
moment my clock began whirring and wheezing and struck
seven.

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[winston20]

IX
‘Into my house come bold and free,
Its rightful mistress there to be.’
I stood before her crushed, crestfallen, revoltingly con-fused, and I believe I smiled as I did my utmost to wrap
myself in the skirts of my ragged wadded dressing-gown—
exactly as I had imagined the scene not long before in a fit of
depression. After standing over us for a couple of minutes
Apollon went away, but that did not make me more at ease.
What made it worse was that she, too, was overwhelmed
with confusion, more so, in fact, than I should have expect-
ed. At the sight of me, of course.
‘Sit down,’ I said mechanically, moving a chair up to the
table, and I sat down on the sofa. She obediently sat down at
once and gazed at me open-eyed, evidently expecting some-
thing from me at once. This naivete of expectation drove
me to fury, but I restrained myself.
She ought to have tried not to notice, as though every-
thing had been as usual, while instead of that, she ... and I
dimly felt that I should make her pay dearly for ALL THIS.
‘You have found me in a strange position, Liza,’ I began,
stammering and knowing that this was the wrong way to
begin. ‘No, no, don’t imagine anything,’ I cried, seeing that
Notes from the Underground1
she had suddenly flushed. ‘I am not ashamed of my poverty
.... On the contrary, I look with pride on my poverty. I am
poor but honourable .... One can be poor and honourable,’ I
muttered. ‘However ... would you like tea? ....’
‘No,’ she was beginning.
‘Wait a minute.’
I leapt up and ran to Apollon. I had to get out of the room
somehow.
‘Apollon,’ I whispered in feverish haste, flinging down
before him the seven roubles which had remained all the
time in my clenched fist, ‘here are your wages, you see I give
them to you; but for that you must come to my rescue: bring
me tea and a dozen rusks from the restaurant. If you won’t
go, you’ll make me a miserable man! You don’t know what
this woman is .... This is—everything! You may be imagin-
ing something .... But you don’t know what that woman is!
...’
Apollon, who had already sat down to his work and
put on his spectacles again, at first glanced askance at the
money without speaking or putting down his needle; then,
without paying the slightest attention to me or making any
answer, he went on busying himself with his needle, which
he had not yet threaded. I waited before him for three min-
utes with my arms crossed A LA NAPOLEON. My temples
were moist with sweat. I was pale, I felt it. But, thank God,
he must have been moved to pity, looking at me. Having
threaded his needle he deliberately got up from his seat,
deliberately moved back his chair, deliberately took off
his spectacles, deliberately counted the money, and finally
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asking me over his shoulder: ‘Shall I get a whole portion?’
deliberately walked out of the room. As I was going back
to Liza, the thought occurred to me on the way: shouldn’t
I run away just as I was in my dressing-gown, no matter
where, and then let happen what would?
I sat down again. She looked at me uneasily. For some
minutes we were silent.
‘I will kill him,’ I shouted suddenly, striking the table
with my fist so that the ink spurted out of the inkstand.
‘What are you saying!’ she cried, starting.
‘I will kill him! kill him!’ I shrieked, suddenly striking
the table in absolute frenzy, and at the same time fully un-
derstanding how stupid it was to be in such a frenzy. ‘You
don’t know, Liza, what that torturer is to me. He is my tor-
turer .... He has gone now to fetch some rusks; he ...’
And suddenly I burst into tears. It was an hysterical at-
tack. How ashamed I felt in the midst of my sobs; but still I
could not restrain them.
She was frightened.
‘What is the matter? What is wrong?’ she cried, fussing
about me.
‘Water, give me water, over there!’ I muttered in a faint
voice, though I was inwardly conscious that I could have got
on very well without water and without muttering in a faint
voice. But I was, what is called, PUTTING IT ON, to save
appearances, though the attack was a genuine one.
She gave me water, looking at me in bewilderment. At that
moment Apollon brought in the tea. It suddenly seemed to
me that this commonplace, prosaic tea was horribly undig-
Notes from the Underground1
nified and paltry after all that had happened, and I blushed
crimson. Liza looked at Apollon with positive alarm. He
went out without a glance at either of us.
‘Liza, do you despise me?’ I asked, looking at her fixedly,
trembling with impatience to know what she was thinking.
She was confused, and did not know what to answer.
‘Drink your tea,’ I said to her angrily. I was angry with
myself, but, of course, it was she who would have to pay for
it. A horrible spite against her suddenly surged up in my
heart; I believe I could have killed her. To revenge myself
on her I swore inwardly not to say a word to her all the time.
‘She is the cause of it all,’ I thought.
Our silence lasted for five minutes. The tea stood on the
table; we did not touch it. I had got to the point of purposely
refraining from beginning in order to embarrass her fur-
ther; it was awkward for her to begin alone. Several times
she glanced at me with mournful perplexity. I was ob-
stinately silent. I was, of course, myself the chief sufferer,
because I was fully conscious of the disgusting meanness of
my spiteful stupidity, and yet at the same time I could not
restrain myself.
‘I want to... get away ... from there altogether,’ she began,
to break the silence in some way, but, poor girl, that was just
what she ought not to have spoken about at such a stupid
moment to a man so stupid as I was. My heart positively
ached with pity for her tactless and unnecessary straight-
forwardness. But something hideous at once stifled all
compassion in me; it even provoked me to greater venom. I
did not care what happened. Another five minutes passed.
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‘Perhaps I am in your way,’ she began timidly, hardly au-
dibly, and was getting up.
But as soon as I saw this first impulse of wounded digni-
ty I positively trembled with spite, and at once burst out.
‘Why have you come to me, tell me that, please?’ I began,
gasping for breath and regardless of logical connection in
my words. I longed to have it all out at once, at one burst;
I did not even trouble how to begin. ‘Why have you come?
Answer, answer,’ I cried, hardly knowing what I was doing.
‘I’ll tell you, my good girl, why you have come. You’ve come
because I talked sentimental stuff to you then. So now you
are soft as butter and longing for fine sentiments again. So
you may as well know that I was laughing at you then. And
I am laughing at you now. Why are you shuddering? Yes,
I was laughing at you! I had been insulted just before, at
dinner, by the fellows who came that evening before me. I
came to you, meaning to thrash one of them, an officer; but
I didn’t succeed, I didn’t find him; I had to avenge the in-
sult on someone to get back my own again; you turned up,
I vented my spleen on you and laughed at you. I had been
humiliated, so I wanted to humiliate; I had been treated like
a rag, so I wanted to show my power .... That’s what it was,
and you imagined I had come there on purpose to save you.
Yes? You imagined that? You imagined that?’
I knew that she would perhaps be muddled and not take
it all in exactly, but I knew, too, that she would grasp the gist
of it, very well indeed. And so, indeed, she did. She turned
white as a handkerchief, tried to say something, and her lips
worked painfully; but she sank on a chair as though she had
Notes from the Underground1
been felled by an axe. And all the time afterwards she lis-
tened to me with her lips parted and her eyes wide open,
shuddering with awful terror. The cynicism, the cynicism
of my words overwhelmed her ....
‘Save you!’ I went on, jumping up from my chair and
running up and down the room before her. ‘Save you from
what? But perhaps I am worse than you myself. Why didn’t
you throw it in my teeth when I was giving you that sermon:
‘But what did you come here yourself for? was it to read us a
sermon?’ Power, power was what I wanted then, sport was
what I wanted, I wanted to wring out your tears, your hu-
miliation, your hysteria—that was what I wanted then! Of
course, I couldn’t keep it up then, because I am a wretched
creature, I was frightened, and, the devil knows why, gave
you my address in my folly. Afterwards, before I got home,
I was cursing and swearing at you because of that address,
I hated you already because of the lies I had told you. Be-
cause I only like playing with words, only dreaming, but,
do you know, what I really want is that you should all go
to hell. That is what I want. I want peace; yes, I’d sell the
whole world for a farthing, straight off, so long as I was left
in peace. Is the world to go to pot, or am I to go without my
tea? I say that the world may go to pot for me so long as I al-
ways get my tea. Did you know that, or not? Well, anyway, I
know that I am a blackguard, a scoundrel, an egoist, a slug-
gard. Here I have been shuddering for the last three days
at the thought of your coming. And do you know what has
worried me particularly for these three days? That I posed as
such a hero to you, and now you would see me in a wretch-
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ed torn dressing-gown, beggarly, loathsome. I told you just
now that I was not ashamed of my poverty; so you may as
well know that I am ashamed of it; I am more ashamed of it
than of anything, more afraid of it than of being found out
if I were a thief, because I am as vain as though I had been
skinned and the very air blowing on me hurt. Surely by now
you must realise that I shall never forgive you for having
found me in this wretched dressing-gown, just as I was fly-
ing at Apollon like a spiteful cur. The saviour, the former
hero, was flying like a mangy, unkempt sheep-dog at his
lackey, and the lackey was jeering at him! And I shall never
forgive you for the tears I could not help shedding before
you just now, like some silly woman put to shame! And for
what I am confessing to you now, I shall never forgive you
either! Yes—you must answer for it all because you turned
up like this, because I am a blackguard, because I am the
nastiest, stupidest, absurdest and most envious of all the
worms on earth, who are not a bit better than I am, but, the
devil knows why, are never put to confusion; while I shall
always be insulted by every louse, that is my doom! And
what is it to me that you don’t understand a word of this!
And what do I care, what do I care about you, and whether
you go to ruin there or not? Do you understand? How I shall
hate you now after saying this, for having been here and lis-
tening. Why, it’s not once in a lifetime a man speaks out like
this, and then it is in hysterics! ... What more do you want?
Why do you still stand confronting me, after all this? Why
are you worrying me? Why don’t you go?’
But at this point a strange thing happened. I was so ac-
Notes from the Underground1
customed to think and imagine everything from books, and
to picture everything in the world to myself just as I had
made it up in my dreams beforehand, that I could not all
at once take in this strange circumstance. What happened
was this: Liza, insulted and crushed by me, understood a
great deal more than I imagined. She understood from all
this what a woman understands first of all, if she feels genu-
ine love, that is, that I was myself unhappy.
The frightened and wounded expression on her face
was followed first by a look of sorrowful perplexity. When
I began calling myself a scoundrel and a blackguard and
my tears flowed (the tirade was accompanied throughout
by tears) her whole face worked convulsively. She was on
the point of getting up and stopping me; when I finished
she took no notice of my shouting: ‘Why are you here, why
don’t you go away?’ but realised only that it must have been
very bitter to me to say all this. Besides, she was so crushed,
poor girl; she considered herself infinitely beneath me; how
could she feel anger or resentment? She suddenly leapt up
from her chair with an irresistible impulse and held out her
hands, yearning towards me, though still timid and not
daring to stir .... At this point there was a revulsion in my
heart too. Then she suddenly rushed to me, threw her arms
round me and burst into tears. I, too, could not restrain my-
self, and sobbed as I never had before.
‘They won’t let me ... I can’t be good!’ I managed to ar-
ticulate; then I went to the sofa, fell on it face downwards,
and sobbed on it for a quarter of an hour in genuine hys-
terics. She came close to me, put her arms round me and
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stayed motionless in that position. But the trouble was that
the hysterics could not go on for ever, and (I am writing the
loathsome truth) lying face downwards on the sofa with my
face thrust into my nasty leather pillow, I began by degrees
to be aware of a far-away, involuntary but irresistible feel-
ing that it would be awkward now for me to raise my head
and look Liza straight in the face. Why was I ashamed? I
don’t know, but I was ashamed. The thought, too, came into
my overwrought brain that our parts now were complete-
ly changed, that she was now the heroine, while I was just
a crushed and humiliated creature as she had been before
me that night—four days before .... And all this came into
my mind during the minutes I was lying on my face on the
sofa.
My God! surely I was not envious of her then.
I don’t know, to this day I cannot decide, and at the time,
of course, I was still less able to understand what I was feel-
ing than now. I cannot get on without domineering and
tyrannising over someone, but ... there is no explaining
anything by reasoning and so it is useless to reason.
I conquered myself, however, and raised my head; I had
to do so sooner or later ... and I am convinced to this day
that it was just because I was ashamed to look at her that
another feeling was suddenly kindled and flamed up in
my heart ... a feeling of mastery and possession. My eyes
gleamed with passion, and I gripped her hands tightly. How
I hated her and how I was drawn to her at that minute! The
one feeling intensified the other. It was almost like an act of
vengeance. At first there was a look of amazement, even of
Notes from the Underground1 0
terror on her face, but only for one instant. She warmly and
rapturously embraced me.
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X
A quarter of an hour later I was rushing up and down the room in frenzied impatience, from minute to minute
I went up to the screen and peeped through the crack at
Liza. She was sitting on the ground with her head leaning
against the bed, and must have been crying. But she did not
go away, and that irritated me. This time she understood it
all. I had insulted her finally, but ... there’s no need to de-
scribe it. She realised that my outburst of passion had been
simply revenge, a fresh humiliation, and that to my earlier,
almost causeless hatred was added now a PERSONAL HA-
TRED, born of envy .... Though I do not maintain positively
that she understood all this distinctly; but she certainly did
fully understand that I was a despicable man, and what was
worse, incapable of loving her. I know I shall be told that
this is incredible—but it is incredible to be as spiteful and
stupid as I was; it may be added that it was strange I should
not love her, or at any rate, appreciate her love. Why is it
strange? In the first place, by then I was incapable of love,
for I repeat, with me loving meant tyrannising and show-
ing my moral superiority. I have never in my life been able
to imagine any other sort of love, and have nowadays come
to the point of sometimes thinking that love really consists
in the right— freely given by the beloved object—to tyran-
nise over her.
Notes from the Underground1
Even in my underground dreams I did not imagine love
except as a struggle. I began it always with hatred and end-
ed it with moral subjugation, and afterwards I never knew
what to do with the subjugated object. And what is there to
wonder at in that, since I had succeeded in so corrupting
myself, since I was so out of touch with ‘real life,’ as to have
actually thought of reproaching her, and putting her to
shame for having come to me to hear ‘fine sentiments”; and
did not even guess that she had come not to hear fine senti-
ments, but to love me, because to a woman all reformation,
all salvation from any sort of ruin, and all moral renewal is
included in love and can only show itself in that form.
I did not hate her so much, however, when I was run-
ning about the room and peeping through the crack in the
screen. I was only insufferably oppressed by her being here.
I wanted her to disappear. I wanted ‘peace,’ to be left alone
in my underground world. Real life oppressed me with its
novelty so much that I could hardly breathe.
But several minutes passed and she still remained, with-
out stirring, as though she were unconscious. I had the
shamelessness to tap softly at the screen as though to re-
mind her .... She started, sprang up, and flew to seek her
kerchief, her hat, her coat, as though making her escape
from me .... Two minutes later she came from behind the
screen and looked with heavy eyes at me. I gave a spiteful
grin, which was forced, however, to KEEP UP APPEAR-
ANCES, and I turned away from her eyes.
‘Good-bye,’ she said, going towards the door.
I ran up to her, seized her hand, opened it, thrust some-
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thing in it and closed it again. Then I turned at once and
dashed away in haste to the other corner of the room to
avoid seeing, anyway ....
I did mean a moment since to tell a lie—to write that I
did this accidentally, not knowing what I was doing through
foolishness, through losing my head. But I don’t want to lie,
and so I will say straight out that I opened her hand and put
the money in it ... from spite. It came into my head to do this
while I was running up and down the room and she was sit-
ting behind the screen. But this I can say for certain: though
I did that cruel thing purposely, it was not an impulse from
the heart, but came from my evil brain. This cruelty was so
affected, so purposely made up, so completely a product of
the brain, of books, that I could not even keep it up a min-
ute—first I dashed away to avoid seeing her, and then in
shame and despair rushed after Liza. I opened the door in
the passage and began listening.
‘Liza! Liza!’ I cried on the stairs, but in a low voice, not
boldly. There was no answer, but I fancied I heard her foot-
steps, lower down on the stairs.
‘Liza!’ I cried, more loudly.
No answer. But at that minute I heard the stiff outer
glass door open heavily with a creak and slam violently; the
sound echoed up the stairs.
She had gone. I went back to my room in hesitation. I felt
horribly oppressed.
I stood still at the table, beside the chair on which she
had sat and looked aimlessly before me. A minute passed,
suddenly I started; straight before me on the table I saw ....
Notes from the Underground1
In short, I saw a crumpled blue five- rouble note, the one I
had thrust into her hand a minute before. It was the same
note; it could be no other, there was no other in the flat. So
she had managed to fling it from her hand on the table at
the moment when I had dashed into the further corner.
Well! I might have expected that she would do that.
Might I have expected it? No, I was such an egoist, I was so
lacking in respect for my fellow-creatures that I could not
even imagine she would do so. I could not endure it. A min-
ute later I flew like a madman to dress, flinging on what I
could at random and ran headlong after her. She could not
have got two hundred paces away when I ran out into the
street.
It was a still night and the snow was coming down in
masses and falling almost perpendicularly, covering the
pavement and the empty street as though with a pillow.
There was no one in the street, no sound was to be heard.
The street lamps gave a disconsolate and useless glimmer.
I ran two hundred paces to the cross-roads and stopped
short.
Where had she gone? And why was I running after her?
Why? To fall down before her, to sob with remorse, to
kiss her feet, to entreat her forgiveness! I longed for that,
my whole breast was being rent to pieces, and never, never
shall I recall that minute with indifference. But—what for?
I thought. Should I not begin to hate her, perhaps, even to-
morrow, just because I had kissed her feet today? Should I
give her happiness? Had I not recognised that day, for the
hundredth time, what I was worth? Should I not torture
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her?
I stood in the snow, gazing into the troubled darkness
and pondered this.
‘And will it not be better?’ I mused fantastically, after-
wards at home, stifling the living pang of my heart with
fantastic dreams. ‘Will it not be better that she should keep
the resentment of the insult for ever? Resentment—why, it is
purification; it is a most stinging and painful consciousness!
Tomorrow I should have defiled her soul and have exhaust-
ed her heart, while now the feeling of insult will never die
in her heart, and however loathsome the filth awaiting her—
the feeling of insult will elevate and purify her ... by hatred
... h’m! ... perhaps, too, by forgiveness .... Will all that make
things easier for her though? ...’
And, indeed, I will ask on my own account here, an idle
question: which is better—cheap happiness or exalted suf-
ferings? Well, which is better?
So I dreamed as I sat at home that evening, almost dead
with the pain in my soul. Never had I endured such suf-
fering and remorse, yet could there have been the faintest
doubt when I ran out from my lodging that I should turn
back half-way? I never met Liza again and I have heard
nothing of her. I will add, too, that I remained for a long
time afterwards pleased with the phrase about the benefit
from resentment and hatred in spite of the fact that I almost
fell ill from misery.
. . . . .
Even now, so many years later, all this is somehow a very
evil memory. I have many evil memories now, but ... hadn’t
Notes from the Underground1
I better end my ‘Notes’ here? I believe I made a mistake in
beginning to write them, anyway I have felt ashamed all
the time I’ve been writing this story; so it’s hardly literature
so much as a corrective punishment. Why, to tell long sto-
ries, showing how I have spoiled my life through morally
rotting in my corner, through lack of fitting environment,
through divorce from real life, and rankling spite in my
underground world, would certainly not be interesting; a
novel needs a hero, and all the traits for an anti-hero are
EXPRESSLY gathered together here, and what matters most,
it all produces an unpleasant impression, for we are all di-
vorced from life, we are all cripples, every one of us, more
or less. We are so divorced from it that we feel at once a sort
of loathing for real life, and so cannot bear to be reminded
of it. Why, we have come almost to looking upon real life
as an effort, almost as hard work, and we are all privately
agreed that it is better in books. And why do we fuss and
fume sometimes? Why are we perverse and ask for some-
thing else? We don’t know what ourselves. It would be the
worse for us if our petulant prayers were answered. Come,
try, give any one of us, for instance, a little more indepen-
dence, untie our hands, widen the spheres of our activity,
relax the control and we ... yes, I assure you ... we should be
begging to be under control again at once. I know that you
will very likely be angry with me for that, and will begin
shouting and stamping. Speak for yourself, you will say, and
for your miseries in your underground holes, and don’t dare
to say all of us— excuse me, gentlemen, I am not justifying
myself with that ‘all of us.’ As for what concerns me in par-
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ticular I have only in my life carried to an extreme what you
have not dared to carry halfway, and what’s more, you have
taken your cowardice for good sense, and have found com-
fort in deceiving yourselves. So that perhaps, after all, there
is more life in me than in you. Look into it more carefully!
Why, we don’t even know what living means now, what it is,
and what it is called? Leave us alone without books and we
shall be lost and in confusion at once. We shall not know
what to join on to, what to cling to, what to love and what to
hate, what to respect and what to despise. We are oppressed
at being men—men with a real individual body and blood,
we are ashamed of it, we think it a disgrace and try to con-
trive to be some sort of impossible generalised man. We are
stillborn, and for generations past have been begotten, not
by living fathers, and that suits us better and better. We are
developing a taste for it. Soon we shall contrive to be born
somehow from an idea. But enough; I don’t want to write
more from ‘Underground.’
[The notes of this paradoxalist do not end here, however. He
could not refrain from going on with them, but it seems to
us that we may stop here.]

END..

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