KWI KWI
JF-Expert Member
- Mar 31, 2011
- 286
- 84
MUHIMU SOMENI YOTE WAPENDWA............MANENO MENGI YANATIA UVIVU BUT ''U WILL GRASP SOMETHING OUT FROM IT''
I agree with Dan Allendar when he says that, Sex is volatile and it was meant to be. For guys, when we are getting regular sex the world is as it should be and we are the confident male species ready to take on any challenge and defeat any enemy! On the other hand, a lack of sex causes us to plummet, doubt our self-worth and wonder, whats the use? This leads to some very common questions like:
Q: My wife does not want to have sex. I take it personally and feel like she does not want me. I am assuming it is her lack of desire for me. I feel unloved and hurt by this. Am I right?
A: Dont jump to conclusions. There are many factors as to why your wife does not want to have sex and many may have little to do with you.
Wired differently
Because of the way we are wired, men and women have very different views of sex. It begins with the chemicals in our brain. Men have a much higher level of testosterone than women do. Thats the chemical that causes us to think about and want sex. Women have a much higher level of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the bonding hormone. Thats the chemical that makes them want to connect. So here we are with high testosterone ready to have sex and our wives with their high oxytocin are ready to snuggle.
She is wired to want connection as much as we want sex. Hey we want connection! I hear you say. Ya right! We want to connect our body with hers! She wants you to be interested in her by giving her attention, listening and touching but only non-sexual touching. We are wired to feel fulfilled when we have sex, women are wired to feel fulfilled when they are bonding.
So it is easy to see there is going to be a frequency issue that has nothing to do with how desirable you are. Guys are wired to want more sex and women are wired for emotional connection. (Although in about 25% of relationships this is reversed I met a couple of these guys but neither appreciated the great situation they were in.) Women can feel sexually fulfilled without having an orgasm during sex. I know, its mind boggling!
Making the connection
Then there is the difference of what our minds are thinking about. She walks in the room looks at you a certain way and you are thinking, All right, I know what is on her mind! Actually you dont. Guys, we can compartmentalize our thoughts and in an instant switch to the sex compartment just by looking at our wifes body. For women everything is connected, meaning: that look she gave you might not even about you. Guys can focus and cut out distractions. Women usually have a more difficult time doing that.
Because sex is so high in our thought processes we go there quickly. Women have a myriad of thoughts with sex being a lot lower especially when there are distractions around like kids needing attention, a deadline at work and the realization that theres no milk in the fridge.
The challenge is that often women feel disconnected and distracted. One of the top reasons women give for not wanting sex is fatigue. As one woman said, When I arrive home late from a busy day and then deal with my familys demands the last thing on my mind is sex. I am just too pooped to party.
Plain and simple women are often just too tired.
Your wife desires you but demonstrates it in a very different way than you think it should be. We want sex, she wants to have you take notice of her, listen to her, snuggle with her, help her with the dishes, and tell her she is beautiful, before her brain makes a transition into thinking sex.
Meeting her bonding needs is huge for a woman. Does this mean if you do these things tonight she will be all over you? Doesnt work that way. Its not a switch you flip in your wifes brain but here is the good news:
We sure work hard to get good sex, and even then there are no promises. But I can promise you this: if you work hard to win your wifes heart as you once did when she said I do, her emotional need for closeness, connection, and love will bring her back into your arms. There your chance of sparking a fire is most promising.
Growing together
So now what? Tackle the real issues in your way. The obstacles to connecting with your wife have little (if anything) to do with your desirability. You need to move past your incorrect thinking, she does not desire me. Women are wired differently so most likely you have a connection issue.
Here is what I suggest: take a renewed interest in her and her needs. If you havent read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman do it now and start the fun. I discovered that men are good at observation, even better than women. It has something to do with our ability to focus, so the challenge is to see what works. How does she best like you to express love to her?
I realized that I tried to love my wife the way I liked to receive love so I wrote her really nice cards with well thought-out wording. Those were OK but I remember it dawning on me that if I cleared out the dishwasher I was really talking her language! I like words of affirmation and she likes acts of service. It has made a major difference in how I express love.
I need to make sure I am meeting her need for bonding with me the way she wants it to occur. That means away from the bedroom and not just when I want sex.
Distractions is a big one and we have to realize women need a lot more time to get in the mood. It takes me 30 seconds and Im sure you can beat that time but your wife is different. I discovered my wife had a huge distraction in that we had no lock on our bedroom door and she thought one on the kids might walk in on having sex. The very next day I put a lock on the door. My wife still calls this the fastest home improvement project I ever did! Eliminating distractions isnt easy or always successful but there is often a lot we CAN do.
Fatigue. This is a no brainer. What could you do to help more? Each time I do something I dont really enjoy I usually tell myself (yes I talk to myself) that I am expressing love whether she sees it or not. Encourage her to get the rest she needs.
Your encouragement may help overcome guilt at taking a nap or going to bed early.
By the way when observation doesnt get you the info you need you can always ask her. It took some time when I asked my wife how I could best express love and what her needs were but over time we have had a much clearer idea of how it works.
One more heads up with taking an interest in your wife, find out what she really enjoys in the bedroom.
NB:
Just because you enjoy something does not mean your wife loves it. Communication is really important. She is unique and no matter what the books, movies or internet says, you need to discover what she likes. Then become better at it. I know we all think we are hot in bed but there is always room for improvement. Make it a goal that when you are having sex, she enjoys it.
Written by Neal Black-Powertochange.com
I agree with Dan Allendar when he says that, Sex is volatile and it was meant to be. For guys, when we are getting regular sex the world is as it should be and we are the confident male species ready to take on any challenge and defeat any enemy! On the other hand, a lack of sex causes us to plummet, doubt our self-worth and wonder, whats the use? This leads to some very common questions like:
Q: My wife does not want to have sex. I take it personally and feel like she does not want me. I am assuming it is her lack of desire for me. I feel unloved and hurt by this. Am I right?
A: Dont jump to conclusions. There are many factors as to why your wife does not want to have sex and many may have little to do with you.
Wired differently
Because of the way we are wired, men and women have very different views of sex. It begins with the chemicals in our brain. Men have a much higher level of testosterone than women do. Thats the chemical that causes us to think about and want sex. Women have a much higher level of oxytocin, which is sometimes called the bonding hormone. Thats the chemical that makes them want to connect. So here we are with high testosterone ready to have sex and our wives with their high oxytocin are ready to snuggle.
She is wired to want connection as much as we want sex. Hey we want connection! I hear you say. Ya right! We want to connect our body with hers! She wants you to be interested in her by giving her attention, listening and touching but only non-sexual touching. We are wired to feel fulfilled when we have sex, women are wired to feel fulfilled when they are bonding.
So it is easy to see there is going to be a frequency issue that has nothing to do with how desirable you are. Guys are wired to want more sex and women are wired for emotional connection. (Although in about 25% of relationships this is reversed I met a couple of these guys but neither appreciated the great situation they were in.) Women can feel sexually fulfilled without having an orgasm during sex. I know, its mind boggling!
Making the connection
Then there is the difference of what our minds are thinking about. She walks in the room looks at you a certain way and you are thinking, All right, I know what is on her mind! Actually you dont. Guys, we can compartmentalize our thoughts and in an instant switch to the sex compartment just by looking at our wifes body. For women everything is connected, meaning: that look she gave you might not even about you. Guys can focus and cut out distractions. Women usually have a more difficult time doing that.
Because sex is so high in our thought processes we go there quickly. Women have a myriad of thoughts with sex being a lot lower especially when there are distractions around like kids needing attention, a deadline at work and the realization that theres no milk in the fridge.
The challenge is that often women feel disconnected and distracted. One of the top reasons women give for not wanting sex is fatigue. As one woman said, When I arrive home late from a busy day and then deal with my familys demands the last thing on my mind is sex. I am just too pooped to party.
Plain and simple women are often just too tired.
Your wife desires you but demonstrates it in a very different way than you think it should be. We want sex, she wants to have you take notice of her, listen to her, snuggle with her, help her with the dishes, and tell her she is beautiful, before her brain makes a transition into thinking sex.
Meeting her bonding needs is huge for a woman. Does this mean if you do these things tonight she will be all over you? Doesnt work that way. Its not a switch you flip in your wifes brain but here is the good news:
We sure work hard to get good sex, and even then there are no promises. But I can promise you this: if you work hard to win your wifes heart as you once did when she said I do, her emotional need for closeness, connection, and love will bring her back into your arms. There your chance of sparking a fire is most promising.
Growing together
So now what? Tackle the real issues in your way. The obstacles to connecting with your wife have little (if anything) to do with your desirability. You need to move past your incorrect thinking, she does not desire me. Women are wired differently so most likely you have a connection issue.
Here is what I suggest: take a renewed interest in her and her needs. If you havent read the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman do it now and start the fun. I discovered that men are good at observation, even better than women. It has something to do with our ability to focus, so the challenge is to see what works. How does she best like you to express love to her?
I realized that I tried to love my wife the way I liked to receive love so I wrote her really nice cards with well thought-out wording. Those were OK but I remember it dawning on me that if I cleared out the dishwasher I was really talking her language! I like words of affirmation and she likes acts of service. It has made a major difference in how I express love.
I need to make sure I am meeting her need for bonding with me the way she wants it to occur. That means away from the bedroom and not just when I want sex.
Distractions is a big one and we have to realize women need a lot more time to get in the mood. It takes me 30 seconds and Im sure you can beat that time but your wife is different. I discovered my wife had a huge distraction in that we had no lock on our bedroom door and she thought one on the kids might walk in on having sex. The very next day I put a lock on the door. My wife still calls this the fastest home improvement project I ever did! Eliminating distractions isnt easy or always successful but there is often a lot we CAN do.
Fatigue. This is a no brainer. What could you do to help more? Each time I do something I dont really enjoy I usually tell myself (yes I talk to myself) that I am expressing love whether she sees it or not. Encourage her to get the rest she needs.
Your encouragement may help overcome guilt at taking a nap or going to bed early.
By the way when observation doesnt get you the info you need you can always ask her. It took some time when I asked my wife how I could best express love and what her needs were but over time we have had a much clearer idea of how it works.
One more heads up with taking an interest in your wife, find out what she really enjoys in the bedroom.
NB:
Just because you enjoy something does not mean your wife loves it. Communication is really important. She is unique and no matter what the books, movies or internet says, you need to discover what she likes. Then become better at it. I know we all think we are hot in bed but there is always room for improvement. Make it a goal that when you are having sex, she enjoys it.
Written by Neal Black-Powertochange.com
