15 Struggles Only Nice Guys Understand

[Roger Sterling]

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(By Neal Stastny) “Nice guys” have plenty of problems. Some of these problems are the result of living in a world that is inherently unfair. Others are problems that “nice guys” bring on themselves. So what’s a nice guy to do? He’s got to figure out which problems are inevitable parts of life and which problems might be his own fault. Why would you put in all this work? Because you’re a nice guy!

1. People Don’t Even Know You’re Being Nice

Many times, nice guys will go out of their way to do everything they can to please someone only for that person to not notice. But doing something “nice” shouldn’t be considered nice if it’s done with the expectation of something similar in return. Also, if you don’t tell someone that you’re inconveniencing yourself for them, how are they going to know? People likely aren’t going to assume you’re doing something you don’t like doing without being asked.

2. People Take Advantage Of You

Some people will realize that you have a tendency to make sacrifices with little concern for yourself and blatantly use that to their advantage. That sucks, and that’s wrong of them to do it. But that’s an inevitability you have to prepare for by either not getting crushed when it happens or by not sacrificing your own happiness with little provocation or request.

3. You Keep Getting Hurt

It can be hard to determine which people truly don’t care about your feelings, and you may get hurt repeatedly. But you’ve got to learn from that without becoming bitter, otherwise you’ll end up driving away people or avoiding people that actually care about you.

4. You Feel Owed

It would be nice if any pain you’ve experienced from being taken advantage of could be redeemed for something enjoyable, but life doesn’t work that way. That’s why you should be nice simply because you want to do something kind for it’s own sake. Expecting a reward later will only leave you disappointed and angry.

5. Going After What You Want Is Hard

You might feel more comfortable being given a task to accomplish for someone else than focusing on yourself. Maybe you think it’s selfish to think of yourself. But much like being nice, being selfish is good in the appropriate amounts. If you keep waiting for others to figure out what you want and give it to you without asking or trying for it, you’ll never be happy. Also, every girl wants to date someone who is genuinely passionate about something. Go find it what you want and go after it.

6. You Fear Rejection

Everyone fears rejection. Some people probably are completely oblivious to their own faults or concern for other people’s opinions. But most people realize rejection happens whether they deserve it or not and simply confront that inevitable risk. You’ve got to find whatever help you need to get over that fear.

7. You Come On Too Strong

Some nice guys want to show they’re nice so badly that they’ll think too far into the future of a relationship before it ever really begins. Most girls won’t want to get roses on a first date or to hear about your capacity to sacrifice to make her happy. She just wants to hear about your interests, have you listen to hers and have a drink.

8. You Feel Like You Shouldn’t Have To Change

If you’re being nice and you’re not getting what you want, then changing what you’re doing will mean that you’re suddenly being a jerk. Right? Not necessarily. Maybe you’re surrounding yourself with jerks. But maybe you’ve got a false impression of what being nice actually is. You’ve either got to change the people you seek approval from or change your behavior that is driving away good people.

9. You Worry About Being The Right Kind Of Nice

There’s the kind of nice that is doing something nice only because you want something in return. There’s the kind of nice that is doing something for the sake of being nice. It you frequently do the latter, it’s understandable to expect someone to occasionally notice. But if that doesn’t happen, you might find yourself being nice for the wrong reasons. It’s tough to keep it balanced.

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10. You Think You’re What Women Want

Women want a nice guy. You’re a nice guy. Women keep rejecting you. What’s the problem? Maybe they’re all jerks. That’s possible. But it’s also possible that you’re assuming you’re everything women want instead of listening to what numerous women are telling you through their words and actions.

11. People Call You A Jerk For Being Nice

There are lots of articles written by women about how “nice guys” are the worst. This isn’t a sign that girls all want to date jerks so that they will have someone to laugh at nice people with. Quit assuming you know what women want and listen to what they’re saying.

12. You Can’t Focus On Yourself

Everyone wants to find someone who truly appreciates them. And you can definitely find that. But while going on that search, you need to also spend some time focusing on making yourself happy. No one wants to spend their life thanking you over and over again for being nice to them when that’s the only thing it seems like you care about.

13. You Over-Calculate Risk/Reward

You stress about asking someone out too soon because she might say “no.” So you spend your time proving to her that you are “boyfriend material” without expressing any sexual interest so that when you finally do ask her out, she’ll already know you’re a nice guy and be able to commit. But that’s crazy way to go about it. If you like someone, ask them out, and get to know each other over time. That’s what dating is for.

14. You Get Friend-zoned


If you want to ask someone out, you need to ask them out. You’re not doing yourself any favors by waiting. You’re also not doing them any favors by pretending to be their friend when that’s not the relationship you want to pursue. You may not end up going out with them either, but that’s life. No one has to go out with you because you like them. Move on to someone else who does.

15. It’s Exhausting

If you’re actively struggling to find that right balance between being genuinely nice to others and taking care of yourself, that’s a good thing. You’re on the right track, and you’ll get there eventually if you keep working. Life isn’t a meritocracy, but working hard to hit that balance is all you can really do.

 

[jerrytz]

Nice article.