ngoshwe
JF-Expert Member
- Mar 31, 2009
- 4,131
- 931
And Am Really Angry Right Now
Nobody should have this disease. I never, in a bazillion years, would have ever thought I would be effected by it when I consider the type of family I grew up in. I never even put a thought toward the idea that I could ever contract the disease.
I just became an adult, and most wouldn't even consider me to really be one yet because I'm still, as my older sibling say, a pup. I don't drink or do drugs. I've never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, and just to clear it up, I would be looking for a girlfriend. I'm a total victim here and right now, today, it's really bothering me, truly making me angry again.
It was someone whom I trusted, a youth minister, that gave it to me. Nothing about the encounter was concentual.
When I first found out, not long after I returned home from a personal mission trip, I was so angry. This man took so much from me that can never be replaced. He took my purity. And then, when I got sick and found out I was positive, I realized he took my life. It would no longer be the same.
Yes, I can still find the right woman to fall in love with and marry and I can still share my first real sexual experience with her, but we will never be able to experience intimacy without protection. We will never be able to have children together. She will have to invest into a man and a relationship that has limits, and that's not fair for her.
My parents may have to bury me. I can't even handle thinking about that idea.
I'm just really upset today about the whole thing, all spawning from a cold that I feel like I'm coming down with right now. Colds scare me. They scare my family. I'm not afraid to die because I'm secure enough in my faith and my service to God that I will go to Heaven. I'm just afraid to do it so soon.
I know I shouldn't think so negatively. I've only been positive a few years and men and women have lived many years with HIV. But I don't think I'm the only person that gets scared.
So that's me right now. Scared and angry, and going to smoke another cigarette.
READ EXPERIENCES:
I was been suffering hard shiply from HIV/AIDS since 9yrs now, and i happen to have 2 kids for my husband, and now we cannot proceed to have another kids all because of my disease and now i have do all what a human like i and my husband can do just to get my disease healed, i have went to several places to seek for help not even one person could ever help, until i melt a comment on the daily news paper that was commented by Miss Marilyn about how this powerful traditional doctor help her get cured of the disease (HIV-AIDS) " my fellow beloved" i firstly taught having a help from a spiritual traditional healer was a wrong idea, but i think of these, will i continue to stress on these disease all day when i have someone to help me save my life?" so i gather all my faiths and put in all interest to contact him through his Email address at ugbakhuanspelltemple@gmail.com , so after i have mailed him of helping get my disease cured, i respond to me fast as possible that i should not be afraid, that he is a truthful and powerful doctor which i firstly claimed him to be. So after all set has been done, he promise me that i will be healed but on a condition that i provide him some items and obeyed all his oracle said. I did all by accepting his oracle fact and only to see that the following week Dr ugbakhuan mail me on my mail box that my work is successfully done with his powers, i was first shocked and later arise to be the happiest woman on earth after i have concluded my final test on the hospital by my doctor that i am now HIV- Negative. My papers for check are with me and now i am happy and glad for his miraculous help and power.With these i must to everyone who might seek for any help, either for HIV cure or much more to contact him now at these following email now,Email: ugbakhuanspelltemple@gmail.com " sir thank you so much for your immediate cure of my disease, i must say for curing my disease, i owe you in return. Thanks and be blessed sir.My name is Jane wembli His Email address is:ugbakhuanspelltemple@gmail.com
Janebaby122-25, FFeb 9Reply
Hi i am New to this as well im still in shock and I got it from my husband he didn't k ow he had it until he went to the hospital with a horrible headache.he got toxoplasmosis and doctor said he was very ill and had Hiv when doctors said that my world came down.we just had a baby that's 1 all I can think was my bb has hiv.well to god she was neg.but me i had it is the worst feeling anybody can experience i know there is worse things but like u said u will never be the same.is only been 3 weeks n I feel like years is horrible i can be still I'm scared to die because I have children I don't want to live them alone.please pray for me.
Daexdiva2626-30Aug 22, 20131 Reply
I can't advocate that this will help you but if it were me I would try. One man claims to have cured aids with this simple machine you can build yourself from radioshack parts. Or you can spring the 250 and buy the machine to see if it works. I plan to buy the unit, I have a friend with some bloodborn disease im gonna see if it works
watch this video and do some research. Who knows maybe there is a cure after all!http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=wyxyL1V3vtA&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DwyxyL1V3vtA
S33K3R26-30, FNov 5, 2012Reply
i understand ur feeling. iam a victim too. i never know the man i love so much have this deases. i was devestated when i found out about this. but what can i do??
what did i do till god punish me with this deases? but well we're here. i just found out yesterday........
nonazakiyah18-21, FOct 16, 20121 Reply
Im half the person i used to be
mbaliflower31-35Sep 24, 20121 Reply
Hej dear do´nt woried you will be okay i know people that have been liveing HIV for 12 year´s and they are doing well :you are young and will find someone that love you ....
melwin1226-30May 27, 20121 Reply
Hello, I read your story and I felt your pain. I recently has done something very stupid too and I am waiting to be tested but I don't have much hope.
FinallyPositive36-40Apr 19, 20121 Reply
I admire your sincerity and honesty. I love you. You are the man. Hey, move on. God loves you. I am glad that you have confessed that you follow the Lord. Yes, you will go heaven. Because you have confessed about God here in the computer. No, You have to forget everything. Leave all behind and all the matters with Jesus. Jesus loves you. Of course, Jesus would also smile you. He is taking care of you. He loves you. Believe me, I am sad for your condolences. It is okay to be angry. Because you know you made a mistake. Of course, we can get angry when we made a serious mistake. Yes, I understand you. I am glad for you and your courage. Aids is not a gay disease. Aids is a sex disease. It can happen to everyone. Aids is not a gay disease. Aids is a sex disease. Simply and that's it. It is not your fault. Who's fault? Ignorance is itself the guilty. You are not guilty of it. You are fine. Just move on. Forget about getting angry. It is gone. Just move on and follow Jesus and let him know how much you care and thank him. That's it. Let him know how much you love him.
kimba7631-35Jan 21, 20121 Reply
sorry jimmy i have to agree with amaecal.if u decide to join the game be prepared to get hurt we all knew about h.i.v way before we got it. i got infected i dont blame the girl wheather she knew or not .she didnt rape me after all she not my sister or mother .dont just hand yourself to anybody and expect them to take care of u.its your body its your life.if u are in the game and u get hurt dont blame the player blame the game.
dinnny26-30Jan 18, 2012Reply
Except this was rape. Did you see the part where he said, "nothing about the encounter was concentual"?
luctamur26-30, MJan 20, 20131 Reply
I'm Positive. Have been for 21 years. I don't want to sound cold but place the blame where it belongs and that is with you. You went out there and had unprotected sex and you got what you got. This isn't 1980 this 2011. Every body knows about hiv and how you get it. I did some streeet prevention work, going out handing out condoms and I used to say to people , the life you save may be your own. Accept that you are positive and move on. Being angry at him doesn't help you out one bit. If fact it'll put you in the ground that much fasted for anger is a stresser and everybody should know, stress affects the immune system. REMEMBER THIS You live with hiv but hiv also has to live with you.
amaecal56-60Jan 17, 2012Reply
I'm assuming you missed the part where he said, "nothing about the encounter was concentual", but he was the victim and I don't blame him for being angry about it. I agree that ultimately anger isn't going to help, but in any case it's in God's hand's now. RIP Jimmy.
luctamur26-30, MJan 20, 20131 Reply
hi Jimmy. the first thing I want you to know is that your parents are not going to bury you. you have a long life ahead of you and a bright future. the fact that you believe in God is the key. Listen... I want you to know that I was diagnosed about a month ago. I have has all the feelings you have... but I am strong in my faith... I want you to know that Jesus not only bore sin on the cross but all sickness including HIV and Aids.... You shall live and not die to declare the works of the Lord... and know that he loves you... You are right.. you dont deserve it.. and according to your story you are an innocent Victim. However.... Please know that your life is just beginning...You will find a wife... and as crazy as it may sound you will have children or your own.... Listen... Im going to beat this thing... Please come into agreement with me... I will not be stuck with this for the rest of my life... I dont care if people think Im crazy.. My God is a healer.. and it is not his will for any of us to be sick...... Regardless of how we contracted the disease.... I believe with my whole heart that you are healed by the blood of jesus.... I am healed.... The thing is..... My belief wont get you healed.... You have to beleive and really agree with me.....look up all the healing scriptures that you can find... I will give you one to start with.... Exod 23:25-26 "And ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee. There shall nothing cast their young, nor be barren, in thy land: the number of thy days I will fulfil." See there? in reading this text he says clearly that he would take away sickness from thee... he does not lie.... he cant lie.. this is a promise... he also says at the end of this that your number of days will be fulfilled which means he is going to give you long long long life.
@ibit34... I completely understand how you feel... My husband loves me so much that he stayed with me too. But I want you to understand something God forgives you for what you did, its not his will for you to be sick, No you dont deserve it no matter what you might think. he wants to heal you and he will .. all you have to do is believe... I will believe with you...
To everyone that reads this post.... I am not crazy... I am very very sane and of sound mind..... I believe we can beat this thing... Lets do our own research... Lets find foods that build our immune systems, Lets believe God.... Lets eat things that give our bodys natural detox..... Where theres a will theres a way... Yes... We have it... but know that God is a healer and this is only temporary.... I love you all... and I want the best for eac and everyone of you.... It saddens me that we Dont know the truth of his word... he does not care what we have done... the word of God say when in Christ you are a new creature.... This does not just mean in spirit.... but this means everything is new down to your physical health... Lets really get a revalation on this you get a new spirit as well as a new physical body..... he also says old things have past away and behold all things are new... this means your past is gone and forgotten to him.. so anything connected with your past inclusind what you may have done to get sick is forgotten.... all we have to do now is allow him to clean up the residue. HIV and Aids is just residue that needs to be blown off... becasue he no longer remembers it. I dont care what it looks like, I dont care how sick I may feel or how many colds I might get..... I AM HEALED!!!! and so are all of you.... I love each and everyone of you so much and I dont even know you... Please recieve what Im saying and be blessed
Labrew3536-40Dec 8, 20111 Reply
Hey Jimmy,
I have absolute empathy for you. I am in the same boat . My x girlfriend decided that I needed this hiv thing so she slept around behind my back and gave me this. On one hand I am just shattered, on the other ,I now have to re-invent myself and live life diferently. There are clearly changes in my life,but i intend to live it with honour and respect ALL people. i do have alot to say about those that disrespect their spouses in such a selfish way. The ït just happened bullshit clearly doesn't fly for me. If only people would try to look ahead before they play this deadly game our lives would be different; In the meantime I think i will look a little longer at sunsets . Peace to you Jimmy!
Tom
tomseven46-50, MSep 19, 20111 Reply
This is one of the most heart wrenching stories I have ever read..
What the hell is wrong with this world
StarNoble36-40, FSep 10, 20111 Reply
That man deserves to have his ____ cut off for doing that to you...remember life still goes on and only forgiveness can set you free. Free to live a life without wasting time hating him. Go for training, take up a hobby. Do something you have always wanted to do....travel? Backpack across Europe or just go for a bungee jump! Just living life is a sure way to survive and live life to the fullest! Smoking only stinks you up and weakens your immune system...walking alone makes one feel better and refreshed!
aahead31-35Jan 27, 20111 Reply
Hi Jimmy.I am a mother of two.I have the same incidence like you.I tested positive last week.I am extremely angry,sad,depressed,that someone as well i trusted could do something like this to me.The reason is that the guy who infected is a nurse.Before the relationship i did my HIV test and it turned negative,he told me that he had already done his neg so there is no probs.The relationship lasted for 6months, coz the guy most of the time had excuses that he's busy that he was never there for me.
I decided to go for an HIV last week and in great shock i was told that i am positive. I couldn't believe this,until they did the second test.I was in tears on my own holding my kids crying.What i could think why this guy did this to me.I feel that he knew that he's positive.
Right now i'm confused, i don't have any family around to support me only my kids.I am thinking that this is my worst xmas ever on the other hand pple are soo happy to infect innocent .
I am really confused,i also got an offer to join university next year march for a nursing degree,i'm mentally affected.
Anyone's support will be appreciated.
leonie7631-35Dec 25, 20101 Reply
Brave guy. Don´t feel down, don´t blame it on anyone. Things happen. You think of all you COULD have. I think of all I DID have. A marvelous house, a beautiful wife, lots of money, a respectable job, plans of having children. And I blew it all. It was all my fault. Know what? Maybe it was God (fate, destiny, karma, whatever you prefer) that showed me I was in the wrong path. I always think: it could have been worse. My wife is still by me, life goes on. Sometimes things may turn out better than we expected. Just believe and follow your dreams. You have an entire life ahead. Don´t let a virus beat you down.
ibit3431-35, MNov 2, 20101 Reply
Hello! I am a Medical Anthropologist and NP at Emory University, I would love for anyone and everyone to participate in a brief survey! the HIV/AIDS community of Atlanta and beyond will much appreciate your responses.
Thanks! James
https://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?hl=en&ui=2&formkey=dGtUdF9JaHpTS24wTndSWDVrYWpkQmc6MQ#gid=0
MedicalAnthropologist1122-25, MOct 25, 20101 Reply
all my love to you. be brave!
daisywho31-35, FJul 23, 20101 Reply
dear jimmy,
i really feel for you now... i'm very scared that I have HIV, i just got tested today and have to wait a week to find out the results. i'm with you man... it really does suck that people like us have to suffer like this. i'll try to stay positive and hopeful... and i hope you can too. thinking of you with love, my friend.
el8ed26-30, FMay 18, 20101 Reply
I am so incredibly sorry dear. You are very brave my dear. I am so angry for what that man did to you. I can't believe things like that still happen IN THE CHURCH. AHH I mean, I can believe it, it just saddens me to hear it. I am SO sorry dear and know that you have us hear to talk to, I may not know what you are going through, but I can still offer an open ear and kind words of encouragement. I hope things get better dear. I will be praying for you Jimmy! You are a warrior!
InsanelyMe0818-21, FSep 22, 20091 Reply
I have an appointment with the doc in a couple weeks and we're going to discuss med changes then. I'm used to being hammered by the current meds as it is. The regimen has been changed once already.
I get my counts taken in a couple weeks and we will go from there. They weren't too bad last time, just have to hope they're either the same or better. Worse is, well, worse.
JimmyTheBull18-21, MJun 16, 20091 Reply
Thank you all for your kind words. My attitude wouldn't be the way it is if I didn't have support and encouragement from others. Your prayers are deeply appreciated and, in return, I will send prayers for all of you.
Now, off to work, although I still have a cold. Ugh.
JimmyTheBull18-21, MJun 16, 20091 Reply
I've known many people with HIV, and yes, they can live pretty normal lives, but the medications can beat you down pretty well. I am absolutely sick to hear of how this happened to you. I'm so sorry. I think you have an amazing attitude on this, if it were me, I would have NO mercy on him, and I hope wherever he goes, on this plane or any others he is shown NO mercy. I'm glad to hear you are back into an acceptable range, and may you stay there.
BlasphemousAngel31-35, MJun 16, 20091 Reply
Man I am sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I pray that the desease doesnt take you anytime soon. say maybe 60 or more years from now. I wish there were some way that i could help you. I will pray for you.
iiiiiiiiiiiii22-25, MJun 16, 20091 Reply
It doesn't matter what punishment he receives here on earth, his ultimate punishment is yet to come.
JimmyTheBull18-21, MJun 15, 20091 Reply
Jimmy, you have my sympathy and respect. Make sure the bastard who did this to you never sees the light of day and God will make sure he sees the darkness of hell.
paco3556-60, MJun 15, 20091 Reply
Analyzer, I'll get a pack of gum so you don't feel you need to light up with us. My beverage of choice is coke-zero.
It is true that people don't expect things to happen to boys. When it does, that ideal held by most of society, is what keeps boys from saying anything. We are supposed to be tough and fight. But in certain situations, it doesn't matter how tough we are or how much of a fight we put up, if we are even able to.
It was hard to tell my parents because it involved someone that they had trusted. It was hard to say anything because I was afraid they would look at me different. Thankfully, as conservative and religious as my parents are, they were incredibly concerned, angry, and supportive.
It wasn't too long after I finally told them and started legal action that I started getting sick. I had been to the doctor a couple times, and because of how well my doctor knew me, I guess she never thought about the possibility that I could be infected. Finally, I was so sick at one point that my parents took me to the hospital and they did a full work up. That's when I found out I was positive. By that time, it was pretty bad too. I was actually diagnosed with AIDS because my t-cells were so low and my viral load was so high. Thankfully, I've been able to pull back and get well again with acceptable counts.
JimmyTheBull18-21, MJun 15, 20091 Reply
I came here for the same reason, Jimmy. In my whole life I don't think I've been as open with my feelings as I have here. Once I opened up here, I decided to open up to my family. None of them asked me to be perfect. That was all on me.
mimi2841-45, FJun 15, 20091 Reply
"Life is full of miracles and minor gains can make all the difference."
I really like that statement. It's sometimes hard to see those minor gains when clouds hang over some of my days, but, it's true and I will keep those words close.
JimmyTheBull18-21, MJun 15, 20091 Reply
Thank you mimi. I'm glad that my friend told me about this site so that I could vent here. I always seem to communicate better in writing so, in this format, I feel as though I'm able to express myself better than when I'm just venting to my family and friends, which I try not to do often because I don't want to bring them down. They have to live with me, afterall.
JimmyTheBull18-21, MJun 15, 20091 Reply
I'm so sorry Jimmy. You are so brave to share your story here. I am so mad for you I could just scream! you have a right to be angry and I would think it would help to vent now and then. You are free to do that here.
You do deserve a wonderful loving relationship and I will pray that you find it. As you said, many people live long lives with this and I hope you live a long, happy, loving life.
mimi2841-45, FJun 15, 20091 Reply
The church that I had gone to before that staffed this particular youth minister took up collections to help pay for my medical pile-ups. Also, one of the congregation members is an infectious diseases doctor so he helps out quite a bit. I'm already on meds and it's horrible with some of the side effects.
JimmyTheBull18-21, MJun 15, 20091 Reply
Ivoted, yes, the man was prosecuted and is now living his life behind bars. Unfortunately, and while thankfully, I was not the only one so I had someone else on my side.
Emerald, is it a little orange lighter? I can't find mine, did you take it? lol
JimmyTheBull18-21, MJun 15, 20091 Reply
ROFL! Cool! I'll share my orange lighter! ;D
emerald36-40, FJun 15, 20091 Reply
I just got back from the store to pick up some smokes so I'm all ready to go, lol.
JimmyTheBull18-21, MJun 15, 20091 Reply
Yikes! I can see why you would be angry and hurt. Let's go out for a smoke and vent about it!
emerald36-40, FJun 15, 20091 And Am Really Angry Right Now : I Am HIV Positive Story & Experience
