Sex is a hot subject. While it continues to permeate all aspects of our lives, many women still hold onto the belief that true love waits for the wedding bells.
Virginity, or the lack of it, defines relationships for a lot of women.
Away from religion-inspired motivations, it is normal, healthy even, to want sex.
Shifting gender roles have seen women getting married as late as age 40. Is it realistic to require these women to practice celibacy for that long?
What of the woman who, for whatever reason, is not getting married any time soon? Does this mean that she doesnt get to have sex at all? These are some of the questions that women weigh on a daily basis.
It is like waiting for an illusion, especially if a couple has different reasons for having sex, says 29-year-old Ruth, a flight instructor with a local airline.
She was raised in a strict Christian home. Before she met the man who is now her husband, she and her childhood boyfriend were saving sex for marriage. This was one of her conditions for dating, and he went along.
He wasnt chaste but to be with me, he had to act chastely, she says.
Eventually, he got tired of trying to talk her into the idea. He got another woman pregnant and all the plans that he and Ruth had built over the years crumbled.
A man shouldnt just wait because you want to. You should actually hold a similar view, she says of her experience.
All about sex
A common reason given by those saving sex for the big day is that they do not want their relationship to be about sex.
They want to get to know their love interest without sex getting in the way. Fiona Mwende, also 29, and who once belonged to this school of thought, says that nothing could be further from the truth. From her experience, a relationship where sex is not allowed is largely about sex.
You think about it all the time. It becomes such a special occasion that all the anticipation about it becomes all that the relationship is built on.
What remains when you eventually marry and have sex? she poses.
Fiona, a nutritionist, is hoping to walk down the aisle with her boyfriend of two years in the near future.
She says that they connected so well that the initial few months after they met felt too good to be true. She suggested that they get sex out of the way to establish that the feeling was real and not just a sexual tension.
I do not regret getting sex out of the way because it affirmed that we still have sufficient reasons to be with each other besides the anticipation for sex, she says.
Sexual compatibility
Sexual incompatibility can become a huge thorn in the marital bed if it is discovered after a couple has signed the marriage certificate papers.
Rose, 32, says that when she and her ex-husband dated, they abstained from sex because of the expectations that family and church had of them.
When we finally got to being intimate, he realised that he liked men better than women, something he would have been sure about had he experimented with sex. Sex is an important aspect of marriage and I now prefer to deal with it before committing to marriage, she says.
Other than sexuality, she also believes that a couple ought to be compatible in regard to the level of enthusiasm as well as the desired frequency.
Can you determine sexual compatibility without engaging in actual sex? I ask Kathambi, a virgin and a youth counsellor at her church.
She says that it is possible. First, she says, one needs to know the true reason that your love interest is waiting to have sex. Watch out for any hang-ups or trauma they may be holding onto from the past.
Just because you are not having sex doesnt mean that you shouldnt discuss it. Your love interests inability or reluctance to have an open conversation about it should be the first red flag of incompatibility, she says.
Sex therapist Maurice Matheka disagrees. In his view, it is impossible for a couple to determine sexual compatibility without actually having sex.
A celibate couple discussing sex is like two mechanics discussing an engine that theyve never seen before, he says.
It looks like the only type of couple that can establish sexual compatibility without actual sex is a couple whove already experienced sex. Maybe then, talking openly and honestly about sex and discussing a wide range of hypothetical scenarios that theyve experienced may help them figure out whether they are on the same page or not.
True personality
Cecilia, a candid, liberal 29-year-old, shares that she is not saving the cookie. Her sole reason is that she believes that an individuals bedroom personality is a reflection of their true personality.
I have dated one or two people who managed to put up a front for months.
I know that a person can pretend to be someone theyre not but not during sex, she explains. She believes you can take cues from a persons sexual personality.
How patient are they? How selfish are they, or how giving? Then that is who they truly are.
While it is true that sex in marriage can be utterly fulfilling, all these seem like valid concerns from those that have opted not to wait.
Do keep in mind, though, that reckless, meaningless sex is not the suggestion here. Sex, even the safe kind, has far-reaching emotional consequences, especially for a woman.
While you neednt wait for marriage to have sex, its wise to wait until youre emotionally and physically ready. It will be best enjoyed in the context of a committed, adult relationship.