February 2nd, 2010 3:08 PM by Free Britney Tags: John Mayer, Tiger Woods John Mayer is a douchebag. Sorry, but sometimes (okay, often), the dude is just so obsessed with himself and hearing himself talk that we can't think of better words to describe him. Case in point? His recent comments about Tiger Woods ... and naturally how the golfer's plight relates to that of John Mayer, according to John Mayer. "Tiger Woods' problems come from him being married. The end," the douchebag explains to the UK's Independent. "It has nothing to do with control." "If Tiger Woods was a single guy," Mayer opines , "what sort of angle would there be to a text message? If Tiger Woods was single, and he texted a girl and said 'I wanna wear your ass like a hat,' why would that ever hit the news?" He may have a point. But of course, it's all about John Mayer. "I can text whatever I want to anybody in the world; I'm not married. I write a lot of dirty text messages to girls, and you've never seen any of them," he says. "Why? Because if a girl brought a dirty text from me to the newspapers, they'd say 'I don't have an angle here. Someone wants to wear your ass like a hat?" "Big deal. He's 32 years old. He's a single guy. If John Mayer has a wife and sends dirty text messages, then we got a story.' And that's why I won't do that." "When I get married that's gonna be my vows, 'Do you, John Mayer, take this woman to have and to hold, to wear her ass like headgear, now and forever?'" "Yes, I do. You're the one whose ass I wanna wear like a hat for the rest of my life. With this whole Tiger Woods scandal ," he says, "I wish more people would be like, 'You know what, John Mayer? You didn't f--k up at all.'" And we thought him bragging about his self-pleasuring expertise was bad. He and Mel Gibson need to start an Egomaniacs Who Heart Tiger Woods club.