Mzee Mwanakijiji
Platinum Member
- Mar 10, 2006
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Porn dominates the internet in terms of hits and income and now its changing the way people have sex. Thats because the only sex education many people get is from pornography. Cindy Gallop has created a website called makelovenotporn.com to help people bridge the gap between their porn experience and their real life relationships.
Cindy is quick to point out that people who watch porn moves in the bedroom are often doing it for good reasons, not bad ones.
We all get vulnerable when we get naked. People can find it difficult to talk about sex with the person theyre having it with. But we want to please our partner, so well seize on whatever cues we can get. If the only cues available to us are those we find through porn, those are the ones well take.
Sexual shame
The difficulty for men is that they are often expected to take the lead in sex. Theres pressure to appear to know what they are doing. Theyll see a porn scene where the man seems to be pleasing a woman rather than simply asking what she wants. And women are often too shy to say something is not working for them, Cindy says.
One young man wrote to me I am a 22 year-old male porn user. The problem arises when were expected to be sexually experienced and take control in the bedroom. And inevitably try some porn-moves to demonstrate our unfortunately non-existent sexual prowess. This then results in embarrassment and sexual shame when our partners are less than impressed.
Wedding night
Cindys site gets a lot of visits from India. I noticed that a man based in Bangalore tweeted Go to this site: if you are about to get married it could save your life literally. I initially found this odd, until I made a mental connection.
In India the sexes are relatively segregated. Sex is rarely talked about. Boys and men watch porn and then enter arranged marriages. The bride and groom dont get intimate until the wedding night.
Yikes, that wedding night! says Cindy. MakeLoveNotPorn.com is badly needed in India, I would love to launch an Indian version.
Pornified
I talk to twenty-something men who tell me their girlfriends are putting on a performance in bed because they think its what the guys want but it gets in the way of a real connection, and the guys arent happy about it.
One young man said to me, Ive been getting a lot of very pornified blowjobs lately. For him there was too much performance, and not enough of a feeling that this was something the woman was really, genuinely, enjoying.
What I hear from the women bears that out. One woman wrote: Your website changed my entire outlook on sex in the five minutes I took to read it. As a 27-year-old accustomed to having sex with men in the hardcore porn generation, I actually started to believe that I liked what they liked.
Classroom
This is why Cindy Gallop thinks women need to take control in the bedroom and re-educate their partners.
If our partners don't teach us the whats and wheres, then porn becomes the default classroom. Communication, honesty and education lead to emancipation.
Just talk!
How can you start talking about sex? Just do it, says Cindy.
Anywhere. Anytime. Im serious. Everybody just start talking about sex. And start talking about it honestly. Parents talk to your kids. Kids talk to your parents. Friends talk to friends. Partners talk to each other. About what you think, what you wonder, what you like, what you dont like. Anything. Just talk!
Everyone quoted in this story gave their permission.
Photo: Cindy Gallup of MakeLoveNotPorn.com
Read more stories about pornography.
Read more information about pornography.
My TAke:
Katika kizazi chetu ambacho mambo ya porn yanapatikana kirahisi yawezzekana tunaanza kuwa na kizazi cha watu ambao wanafikiria sex katika mapenzi ni sawasawa na sex katika porn? Wengine wanalinganisha performance yao na ile ya waigizaji wa filamu kama hizo?
Cindy is quick to point out that people who watch porn moves in the bedroom are often doing it for good reasons, not bad ones.
We all get vulnerable when we get naked. People can find it difficult to talk about sex with the person theyre having it with. But we want to please our partner, so well seize on whatever cues we can get. If the only cues available to us are those we find through porn, those are the ones well take.
Sexual shame
The difficulty for men is that they are often expected to take the lead in sex. Theres pressure to appear to know what they are doing. Theyll see a porn scene where the man seems to be pleasing a woman rather than simply asking what she wants. And women are often too shy to say something is not working for them, Cindy says.
One young man wrote to me I am a 22 year-old male porn user. The problem arises when were expected to be sexually experienced and take control in the bedroom. And inevitably try some porn-moves to demonstrate our unfortunately non-existent sexual prowess. This then results in embarrassment and sexual shame when our partners are less than impressed.
Wedding night
Cindys site gets a lot of visits from India. I noticed that a man based in Bangalore tweeted Go to this site: if you are about to get married it could save your life literally. I initially found this odd, until I made a mental connection.
In India the sexes are relatively segregated. Sex is rarely talked about. Boys and men watch porn and then enter arranged marriages. The bride and groom dont get intimate until the wedding night.
Yikes, that wedding night! says Cindy. MakeLoveNotPorn.com is badly needed in India, I would love to launch an Indian version.
Pornified
I talk to twenty-something men who tell me their girlfriends are putting on a performance in bed because they think its what the guys want but it gets in the way of a real connection, and the guys arent happy about it.
One young man said to me, Ive been getting a lot of very pornified blowjobs lately. For him there was too much performance, and not enough of a feeling that this was something the woman was really, genuinely, enjoying.
What I hear from the women bears that out. One woman wrote: Your website changed my entire outlook on sex in the five minutes I took to read it. As a 27-year-old accustomed to having sex with men in the hardcore porn generation, I actually started to believe that I liked what they liked.
Classroom
This is why Cindy Gallop thinks women need to take control in the bedroom and re-educate their partners.
If our partners don't teach us the whats and wheres, then porn becomes the default classroom. Communication, honesty and education lead to emancipation.
Just talk!
How can you start talking about sex? Just do it, says Cindy.
Anywhere. Anytime. Im serious. Everybody just start talking about sex. And start talking about it honestly. Parents talk to your kids. Kids talk to your parents. Friends talk to friends. Partners talk to each other. About what you think, what you wonder, what you like, what you dont like. Anything. Just talk!
Everyone quoted in this story gave their permission.
Photo: Cindy Gallup of MakeLoveNotPorn.com
Read more stories about pornography.
Read more information about pornography.
My TAke:
Katika kizazi chetu ambacho mambo ya porn yanapatikana kirahisi yawezzekana tunaanza kuwa na kizazi cha watu ambao wanafikiria sex katika mapenzi ni sawasawa na sex katika porn? Wengine wanalinganisha performance yao na ile ya waigizaji wa filamu kama hizo?