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Cheka mpaka mwisho

Discussion in 'Jokes/Utani + Udaku/Gossips' started by MziziMkavu, Aug 12, 2009.

  1. MziziMkavu

    MziziMkavu JF-Expert Member

    #1
    Aug 12, 2009
    Joined: Feb 3, 2009
    Messages: 38,530
    Likes Received: 2,804
    Trophy Points: 280
    JAMAA MMOJA KAMUULIZA MPITA NJIA HIVI: njia fupi ya kufika hospitali ni ipi??,JAMAA AKAMJIBU - UNATAKA NJIA FUPI YA KUKUPELEKA HOSPITALI?,FUNGA MACHOYAKO URUKE BARA-BARANI,SASA HIVI UTAPELEKWA HOSPITALI. Hahahahahah

    HUKO SAUDIA VIJIJINI KUNA MUHINDI MMOJA KAPEWA KAZI YA KUSIMAMIA MSIKITI KWA KUUFAGIA NA KUFUNGUWA MILANGO,SIKU MOJA MWENYE KUADHINI KACHELEWA KUJA,MUHINDI KAJITIA UHODARI WA KUTAKA KHERI,AKAADHINI YEYE KUFIKA KATIKATI AKAKWAMA ASIJUE KUENDELEA,AKASEMA "kullo muslim taal wa kullo kafir roh baid" YAANI KILLA ALO MUISLAMU NJOONI NA KILLA ALO KAFIRI POTELEA MBALI. Hahahahahahah,bora kazi iendelee.

    WORLD WAR 3 IS COMING
    President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
    A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

    The bartender says, "Yep, sure that's them."
    So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
    real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

    Bush says, "We're planning WW 3."
    The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
    Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

    The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?


    Why kill a blonde with big tits?"


    Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you,
    no one gives a shi.. about the 140 million Muslims".
    Mzungu mmoja alienda hotelini kupata msosi ,alipofika pale hotelini alikaa kwenye kiti na muhudumu wakati huo huo alikuja na kuanza kuongea kama ifuatavyo:- Mzungu:Hello, i need a rice and meat (Nahitaji wali nyama) Mhudumu:Ok, Raisi kwa sasa hivi yupo ikulu na mimi kwenda huko ikulu utanitafutia balaa nifungwe labda tutoke nje nikufahamishe ilipo ikulu na kuhusu miti subiri sasa hivi naenda kukukatia Mzungu:Excuse...................... Mhudumu:Ahhhh mchuzi upo unataka wa pweza auuu nikuchanganyie na hiyo miti

    Mama mmoja mwenye UMBEA sana kenda toa pole kwa kifo cha mtoto alefariki kwa kupigwa risasi,lakini yeye hajajuwa sababu ya kifo,alipofika matangani akamuuliza mamake mtoto:Mtoto wenu alikuwa mgonjwa?,akajibiwa:Laa,kapigwa risasi kichwani.Lahaulaaa;akajibu,bahati yake risasi haikuja jichoni. Ha ha ha ha ha hah

    MVUTA BANGI ALIKUWA ANAENDESHA GARI VIBAYA SANA,HUKO MBELE AKAGONGA WATU WAWILI,MMOJA KAFA PAPO HAPO,WA PILI KABAKI ANASOTA-SOTA NA KUKOROMA KWA MAUMIVU,MVUTA BANGI AKATEREMKA NA KUMUANGALIA ANAESOTA NA KUMWAMBIA; MWENZIO KAFA BILA KUFANYA FUJO - WEWE KWANINI MKAIDI??.Hahahahhah

    MLEVI MMOJA KAINGIA HOTELINI AKAULIZA; MUNA CHAKULA GANI LEO?,akaambiwa tuna biriani;AKASEMA MBONA HAMKUNIALIKA??.Hahahahahah

    MVUTA BANGI KAKAMATWA NA POLISI AKAAMBIWA INGIA GARINI, AKASEMA:ASANTE SANA MHESHIMIWA;NYUMBANI NI KARIBU,NTATEMBEA POLE-POLE. Hahahahahah

    MVUTA BANGI KAMGONGEA JIRANI NA KUMUULIZA MUNAZO TOMATO??,JIRANI AKAMJIBU NDIO TUNAZO,MVUTA BANGI AKAJIBU HATA SISI PIA TUNAZO. Hahahahah

    KUNA MJINGA MMOJA KAAMBIWA NA MWALIMU ANDIKA 11,YEYE AKAANDIKA MOJA HALAFU AKAULIZA MOJA NYENGINE NIIWEKE KULIA AU KUSHOTO???,Hahahahahah

    Jamaa mmoja wa kipemba aliyekuwa hajawahi kupanda gari hata siku moja,alikuwa anasafiri kwenye basi akiwa kwenye siti ya mbele kabisa. Mara ikatokea ajali na baada ya tukio hilo la ajali yule jamaa akatakiwa kutoa ushahidi mahakamani na ushahidi wake ulikuwa kama ifuatavyo;”kwanza wakati safari yaanza tu nkajua kuwa huyu si dereva! kuna lijiti akikazana kuling’oaaa”(wakati dereva akiingiza gia), ”halafu akawa hatulii mikono ikintetema”(akizungusha steringi). ”Njiani ikawa ni mbio tu! twafukuzana na miti,miti yenda na sie twenda,nliposikia puuu! nkajua tayari ivooo! miti ishatugonga au sie tushaigonga miti.

    Kuna jamaa mmoja serikalini kakosa elimu ila ndio bahati yake tu kuchaguliwa na kupatiwa nafasi katika serikali.
    Huyo jamaa mwanzoni alipoanza kazi alikua ni mtu mstaarabu na alijaribu kuchunga heshima yake na kwa wenziwe, lakini kila siku zikenda ile hali ilibadilika na hadi sasa amekuwa mkorofi mpaka sura yake imeshabadilika kwa roho mbaya alikua nayo.
    Hayo yote yalitokana na kusifiwa sana na wananchi na hata kwenye vyombo vya habari kama TVZ lazima aoneshwe katika taarifa ya habari japo hana la maana, hii ndio iliyopelekewa kujiona kuwa yeye ni wa maana sana na anajua kuongoza. Kumbe maskini hajui kama anaharibikiwa kwani Allah hawapendi watu wafedhuli namna hii. Hata uyo rais ameshamchoka na visa vyake ila ndio hana tu la kufanya.
    Jamaa wenyewe ni mtu wa donge naye ni JUMA ALI SHAMHUNA

    Mwanadada mmoja,mumewe yupo safarini lakini kachelewa kurudi na ambapo mawasiliano adimukijijini,kamuona ndege juu ya mti,kwa utani - kamwambia ndege njoo nikutume kwa mume wangu,ukamwambie arudi haraka,ninamtamani sana.Ndege kageuka na kumuangalia mwanadada huyo na kumwambia:Kwani mimi ni boi wa babako ! ! !.Hahahhahahh uuwiiiiiiiiiiii.

    Mwizi kafikishwa mahakamani kwa kosa la kuiba senti hamsini na kuimeza tumboni,hakimu kamsomea kosa lake na kumuonyesha uthibitisho wa picha za xray aliofanyiwa hospitalini ili kufichuliwa hiyo senti hamsini iliyoonekana katika hizo picha,hakimu akamuuliza mshitakiwa: unalo la kusema?,ndio bw.hakimu,ningependa kuishukuru serikali yetu tukufu kwa kuweza kuweka vifaa vizuri vya kufichuwa hata senti hamsini ikiibiwa na mwizi,lakini ninauliza kwanini serikali haijaweka vifaa vya kufichuwa WAHESHIMIWA WAKIIBA MAMILIONI YA FEDHA AMBAZO NI MALI YA SERIKALI???????????????,Asanteni sana,sasa ninakubali kifungo.Hahahahahah

    Siku moja Jogoo katoka na mkewe {kuku} kutembea masokoni,katika tembea tembea yao Jogoo kasimama nje ya hoteli moja kutizama watu wanavyokula chakula,karibu na yeye ni jamaa mmoja anaekula kuku na chips iliomwagiwa tomato sosi,Jogoo kamnong'oneza mkewe:Umemuona yule mtu aliekuwa anakula mbele yetu? Kuku kajibu:ndio nimemuona alikuwa anakula kuku.Jogoo akamwambia mkewe:Basi ujuwe huo ndio mwisho wa kila mwanamke jeuri na asie sikia na kutii amri ya mumewe!!.Hahahahahahh
     
  2. Junius

    Junius JF-Expert Member

    #2
    Aug 12, 2009
    Joined: Mar 11, 2009
    Messages: 3,183
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    hii Ya BUSH na SHAMHUNA kali sana.
    Lkn huyu jamaa yupo, simsikii kelele zake siku hizi!!
     
  3. Juma Contena

    Juma Contena JF-Expert Member

    #3
    Aug 13, 2009
    Joined: May 21, 2009
    Messages: 1,195
    Likes Received: 8
    Trophy Points: 135
    Zina furahisha

    Umesikia ya wazungu wawili walio kuwa wakiranda randa mapolini gari lao likiwa mbali. Mara wakamwona simba kwa mbali anawatazama huku akiwa jia pole pole. Kwa uwoga ikabidi wainame chini kujificha kwenye majani. Wakati mwingine bado anauoga anamchungulia simba mwingine yupo busy kubadilisha mabuti na kuvaa raba. Mwenzake ana muongelesha anae vaa anamuhitikia mh, mh mpaka alipo maliza badilisha viatu vyake. Mwenzie aka muuliza sasa umevaa raba unadhani uta mshinda simba mbio. Akamjibu tatizo sio kumshinda simba mbio bali wewe kwani wa nyuma ndio chakula cha simba .
     
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