Sexual intimacy in marriage Updated 10 hr(s) 59 min(s) ago Related Stories Renting a Womb Lovers special day Should I do a paternity test? Stages of love Contraceptives interfering with our love life A possessive workmate NANCY NJAGI-MBITHI explores the place of sex in marriage and advises couples on how to keep it steamy in the bedroom One of the reasons why marriages are struggling today is because issues of sexuality and sexual intimacy are not freely discussed. Socialisation can be blamed for this. A young couple may struggle with a sexual problem without getting an avenue for re-dress. I know of a 40 year-old man who took away his life a month before his wedding. He had struggled with a secret he was impotent and had tried to stay away from marriage but finally he succumbed to pressure and got a girl to marry. Having never shared his secret with anyone (other than his journal, which was discovered after his death) and his wedding being only a month away, the man could not take the pressure any more and decided to take his life. This man could have been helped if he had opened up and sought help. Sexual intimacy in marriage helps the love between a couple grow intensely. It communicates that: "I want you to know every part of me. I want you to know my personal sexuality and I surrender to you." The more a person is able to communicate this in their marriage, the deeper the love grows. Intimacy on a regular basis creates opportunities to sort out marital issues. Young couples get into marriage expecting to be sexually intimate every day of their married life. Charles and Victoria Amulega in their book: Solving problems occurring early in marriage, interviewed several newlyweds and heard sentiments similar to those of a man who had been married for 18 months. Daily sex "When we were getting married, I assumed that sex would be automatic and a daily affair. I was surprised to realise that this was not the case. I have to keep preparing my wife during the day for us to have sex that day. Quite frequently, I am too tired due to heavy workload at the office, and on other occasions it is my wife who is tired, meaning we cant have sex." Just like this man, newlyweds begin to realise that sex everyday may not happen due to several reasons: 1) Lack of preparation by the spouses, especially the man who needs to make every effort during the day to prepare his woman 2) The womans sexual drive goes through cycles and can be made more complex by some forms of family planning 3) Stress and fatigue On the other hand, I know of spouses who have sex daily. It works, but out of hard work and communication. Their adventure mended their relationship and brought them closer. The couple learnt to create a conducive environment in the bedroom so that the bedroom spoke the language of love and intimacy. Look the part Having spoken to several men, basic cleanliness in the bedroom and an attractive woman all dressed up and looking hot should do the trick. The woman also needs a handsome man, well kempt and not reeking of sweat, alcohol and cigarettes. However, each couple has its own sense of taste and desire; communication of the same to each other is important. I have also found it helpful to ask the woman to draw a body of a man and mark the areas that she thinks arouse the man. The man, too, does the same. The two then exchange their drawings, realise their misconceptions and can then discuss their actual areas of sexual arousal.