Reasons for making / not making love. TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 09 times you said weren't in the mood 07 times you were sunburned 06 times you were watching the late show 05 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 03 times you said the neighbors would hear us 09 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 06 times you just laid there 08 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 04 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 07 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 01 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 05 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 02 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 04 times you got it stuck in your zipper 03 times you had a cold and your nose was running 02 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 06 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.