Funny and short hilarious jokes collection

Hivi kuna mtu anajua kama kuna sehemu kuna comedy club / stand up comedy Tanzania?
 
A train is about to crash,a frantic virgin strips off and say "can anyone make me feel like a woman before I die?"
So a man takes off his clothes and say,"IRON THESE!!".
 
AYUBA !!

============ ========= ========= =====
AYUBA bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

============ ========= ========= =====
AYUBA: I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying?
AYUBA: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
============ ========= ========= =====
AYUBA: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
AYUBA: Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game.
============ ========= ========= ====
AYUBA : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
AYUBA : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
============ ========= ========= ====
AYUBA : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
AYUBA : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again..
============ ========= ========= =====
AYUBA complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
AYUBA : 'I was watching TV news...'
============ ========= ========= =====
AYUBA comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'
============ ========= ========= =====
How do you recognize AYUBA in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
============ ========= ========= =====
Once AYUBA was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
============ ========= ========= =====
AYUBA in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
============ ========= ========= =====
AYUBA: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup
AYUBA: - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
============ ========= ========= =====
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
AYUBA: The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
============ ========= ========= =====
AYUBA told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
AYUBA: 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
 


[media]http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2097587/a_bad_day_funny_stuff_to_brighten_your_day_video_compilation/[/media]

Have a bad day.
 
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
 
I went to the shop the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil headed redneck.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didnt care. My car was parked around the corner.......
 
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
 
At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".

The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."
 

The
Best
Time
To
Do
Something
Significant
Is
Between
Yesterday
And
Tomorrow


 

Always have a unique character like SALT,
It’s presence is not felt
but
it’s ABSENCE makes all things “TASTELESS”
 

Progress has little to do with the speed,
But
much to do with direction.
So always concentrate on your direction,
Not on the speed




 


TICHA MSELA, DENTI MSELA!
Mwalimu mmoja msela alikutana na mwanafunzi ambaye ni mtoto wa kijiweni aliyezoea kuongea lugha ya kihuni na maongezi yao yakawa hivi:
Denti: Oyaa ticha eeh! Nina swali mwana linanitesa kinoma, unaweza kunisaidia?
Ticha: Swali gani kichaa wangu?
Denti: Mwanangu nitonye kirefu cha V.V.U maana kuna mshikaji ananisumbua kweli na mimi wala sijui.
Ticha: Hilo mbona simpo tu kichaa wangu kama kumsukuma mlevi vile. V.V.U maana yake ni Vaa Vizuri Upendeze.
Denti:Duh! Hiyo kali...



 
Gauni lainii la Mwalimu
Mtoto mmoja aitwaye John alirudi shule uso wake ukiwa umevimba sana na mazungumzo kati ya mtoto huyo na baba yake yakawa hivi:
Baba: Mwanangu nini kimekupata, mbona uso wako umevimba hivyo?
Mtoto: Si lile gauni la mwalimu Sara
Baba: Limefanyaje?
Mtoto: Lilikuwa limeingia katikati ya makalio yake nikaenda kulichomoa ndio akanipiga kibao
Baba: Hiyo ni tabia mbaya usirudie tena mwanangu.
Kesho yake yule mtoto akarudi tena amevimba uso. Baba yake akamuuliza imekuwaje tena? Mtoto akajibu gauni ya ticha Sara iliingia tena katikati ya makalio yake, Tom akaitoa, nikaona ni tabia mbaya nikaenda kuirudishia. Baba akabaki ameduwaa...
 


[media]http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2288829/funny_olympics/[/media]





 


[media]http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2278586/cars_part_1/[/media]

 
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