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Funny and short hilarious jokes collection

Discussion in 'Jokes/Utani + Udaku/Gossips' started by MaxShimba, Nov 24, 2008.

  1. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #1
    Nov 24, 2008
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    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

    However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

    The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

    “My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”


     
  2. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #2
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    This case happened in a hospital’s Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

    This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

    So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
    what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

    Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil……..
    Just when the Clock struck 11…

    And then……

    then…..

    then……..


    Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.


     
  3. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #3
    Nov 24, 2008
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    A complex love story
    (11 votes, average: 3.45 out of 5)
    Loading ...
    Hero loves heroine , but heroine loves the villain.
    But villain loves hero’s sister,and hero’s sister loves heroine’s brother .
    Here, heroine’s brother loves villain’s sister .
    But villain’s sister loves hero’s brother.

    Again!, hero’s brother is also interested in heroine , and you already know that heroine loves villain.

    Finally two people commit suicide.
    Who’re they? ……….. Producer and the Director!!


     
  4. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #4
    Nov 24, 2008
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    There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

    After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

    The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
    Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

    The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!


     
  5. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #5
    Nov 24, 2008
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    Discoveries of man & woman

    Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
    Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

    Man discovered colors, invented painting.
    Woman discovered painting, invented make-up .

    Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
    Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip .

    Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
    Woman discovered food, invented diet.

    Man discovered friendship, invented love.
    Woman discovered love, invented marriage .

    Man discovered trade, invented money.
    Woman discovered money, man has never recovered



     
  6. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #6
    Nov 24, 2008
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    A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
    and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Mark.

    He replies, “None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
    The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

    Then little Mark says, “I have a question for YOU. ”
    There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
    One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
    The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
    The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

    Which one is married?”

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

    To which Little Mark replied,
    “The correct answer is ‘the one with the Wedding ring on,” but I like your thinking.”


     
  7. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #7
    Nov 24, 2008
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    Email to wife (wrong recipient)

    A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

    Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
    Date: 21 st July, 2004

    I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

     
  8. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #8
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    Control over wives

    There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

    After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

    The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

    The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” They asked. She said, “get out from under the bed and fight like a man”.


     
  9. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #9
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    A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

    The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

    A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”

    The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower
     
  10. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

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    Math Teacher :
    If a=b and b=c then a=c,
    now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.

    Student :I love you sir
    and you love your daughter
    which means I love your daug


     
  11. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

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    Nov 25, 2008
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    We don’t have an air conditioner
    A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant, at first he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

    Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

    “Oh, that man I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”
     
  12. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #12
    Nov 25, 2008
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    Clever politician of Tanzania

    NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.

    The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
    “A million dollars”, he answered, “because I wish to donate it to M.I.T.”

    The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.
    ]He asked for two million dollars. “I wish to give a million to my family, he explained,
    “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

    The last applicant was our Tanzanian politician (Fisadi Sisiemu).
    When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

    “Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
    The Tanzanian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I’ll keep $1
    million,and we’ll give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars”


     
  13. Mag3

    Mag3 JF Gold Member

    #13
    Nov 25, 2008
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    At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".

    The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

    Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say aword to your mother."

    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

     
  14. B

    Boney E.M. JF-Expert Member

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    Nov 26, 2008
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    Congrats Genesis - you made my dull day enjoyable.
     
  15. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

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    Dec 1, 2008
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    HARD-DISK woman:
    She remembers everything, FOREVER.

    RAM woman:
    She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

    INTERNET woman:
    Difficult to access.

    SERVER woman:
    Always busy when you need her.

    CD-ROM woman:
    She is always faster and faster.

    EMAIL woman:
    Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

    VIRUS woman:
    Also called “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t you will lose everything!!

     
  16. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

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    Dec 2, 2008
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    What is ABCDEFG?

    A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!

    But what is GFEDCBA? (The Opposite)

    Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!
     
  17. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #17
    Dec 10, 2008
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    I like this one.
     
  18. Lole Gwakisa

    Lole Gwakisa JF-Expert Member

    #18
    Dec 15, 2008
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    The Pastor was delivering the sunday sermon, when he noticed three ladies, all from well to do families emtering the church-late of course.
    However due to respect for the ladies and the church was full,the Pastor decided to whisper to his assistant the Evangelist.
    "Find three chairs for the distinguished ladies please " the Pastor whispered not knowing that the Evangelist was hard of hearing.

    The Evangelist promptly stood up, went to the microphone and at the top of his voice he rang out,
    "THREE CHEERS FOR THE DISTINGUISHED LADIES"
    The whole congregation turned their heads to watch what now looked like an embarrassing movie scene, to the Pastors chagrin.
     
  19. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #19
    Dec 16, 2008
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    Hahaha ahah ahaha, naona Pastor alipatwa na .. .. . ., Mwinjilisti akaamua kutoboa siri.
     
  20. MaxShimba

    MaxShimba JF-Expert Member

    #20
    Dec 17, 2008
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    Christmas Riddles
    What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
    This will sleigh you.

    What do lions sing at Christmas?
    Jungle bells!

    When is a boat like a pile of snow?
    When it's adrift.

    What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
    Santaclaustrophobia

    How do snowmen get around?
    On their icicles.

    What does Santa call reindeer that don't work?
    Dinner.

    Christmas njema na furahia Mwaka mpya.
     
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