Kaunga
JF-Expert Member
- Nov 28, 2010
- 12,530
- 13,468
Marriage is good especially when its purpose is fully known and understood. These days the purpose of marriage is no longer known and women get married for all the wrong reasons. All of us wanna get married at some point in time but our dream is to get married to a loving partner because love conquers all. Below are some of the reasons why some women end up being stuck in unhappy marriages.
Age Factor
Most people get married between the ages of 25-29 and that is why if you are still not married in that period you are considered to be what Africans call "Mutshelukwa"(an Africa word meaning that you've been passed by the time for Marriage, "Spinster"). That puts a lot of pressure in women's lives when they are in their early twenties to actually find a partner who's gonna marry them before that period passes and end up getting married for all the wrong reasons. There is nowhere where it is stated when one is supposed to get married during the latter age range, it is just a misinformation that was practiced from generation to generation and ended up being the "law of belief", Power of Subconscious mind by Dr. Joseph Murphy. Well let me break it down, the perfect time to get married is when you have the right partner to get married to, someone who will love you unconditionally, don't let people make you feel inferior because you are not married.
Social Stigma
It is sad how most women get married to the love of their lives but still suffer like they are single. Most women get married for social stigma, they get married just to be able to quote the words "my husband" when talking to their friends, colleagues, family or even strangers, what is the point of telling people that you've been married for 10 years while you were actually unhappy for 9 years in that marriage? Our great grandmothers misinformed our grandmothers and our mothers misinformed us (Especially blacks). They have taught women to endure in marriages no matter what, I am sure that most people witnessed their fathers abusing their mothers physically and emotionally but they still stayed in those unhappy marriages, when they went back to their families to tell them how unhappy they were, their parents who are our grandparents would tell them to endure and that you have to make the marriage work(do you know the old saying, vhuhadzi ndi nama ya thole, meaning that you don't or shouldn't come back home when you encounter problems in your marriage), sad hey but true. The only reason why they said so was to maintain their social stigma, they were afraid of what would the neighbors say if their child came back home from a failed marriage, as much as you wouldn't leave as well for the same reasons, you will be afraid of what people would say about you particularly your friends and end up living a lie.
Endurance ( Desperation)
Most women endure unhappy marriages, I mean why on earth would you stay with a man who doesn't support you emotionally (Love) and financially (Provide), I mean what is he there for in the first place? Even worse at that time your in-laws hate your guts also, basically you are hated upon, cheated, lonely and beaten up on top of that, but you still stay with that man. Some women would even go to an extent of saying things like "no one will make me go out of this marriage, if I have to go out, I will go out with a coffin" Meaning that they will die for their marriages, and it actually happens women die from stress, nervous breakdowns, overdose of anti depressants, some commit suicide because it looks like it is the only way out and some are beaten to death or intentionally killed by their "Mr. Right" because they stood up to him, that's how stubborn other women can be, what concerns me most is that the people who will suffer most are the kids, they also grow up knowing that it's ok to stay in the unhappy marriages and to endure pain. The only reason you would endure those unpleasant conditions is because you are desperate to make things right though you knew that the ship sank a long time ago. We are too enduring, we bleed inside and not share our difficulties, are we really that tough?
Misinformation
The other reason why women get married is because we "as women" think that marriage is pleasant, the reason why we think so is because once again we were misinformed, our grandmothers used to tell our mothers not to hang their dirty laundry in public as a result our mothers never used to tell people of the unpleasant conditions they were living under, the advice they use to give out was that "every house has its problems but at the end of the day it still remains standing" they never outlined which problems were acceptable and which ones were not.
The grandmothers also used to tell the bride on her wedding day that a "man is an axe, he can be borrowed", basically that was to let you know that your man will cheat on you but don't give up your marriage. Because of that, this statement is still practiced because I see a lot of young women out there staying with cheating men, the scary part is that, that man is the same man that will demand unprotected sex and guess what a woman will fall for that regardless of the HIV/AIDS stats in our country.
"Men will always be men"
Most women like saying that "men will always be men", referring to how men operate. I would also agree to this statement because men were never challenged by women, they know that they can cheat and be forgiven and still sleep with you without a condom, duhh, they also know that they can beat you up and massage your wounds afterward, they know that they might not buy groceries but will eat the best meal everyday, they know that they might not pay electricity bills and still come back home to that warm heater etc, in short, as much as women were taught not to hang their dirty laundry in public, men also know that their dirty laundry won't be hung in public that is why they just do what ever they like and still get to keep the woman. Ever wondered why men don't like their family matters do be discussed with other people(friends n families),its because they know that what they are doing to you is wrong, yet they do it and its up to you to put the end to it.
Low self Esteem
It is the women with low self esteem that contribute to the situations like these, the women who can't stand their grounds, the women who throw their money towards men so that those men can stay with them, it is this kind of women that makes men disrespect women, it is because of us women, we sometimes don't know what's right and what's wrong. You didn't get married to be someone's punching bag, you didn't get married to be a second best, if your man cheats on you then it means that you are not good enough for him, I often hear women saying things like "wanga u a ita mara u edela hayani" (Mine cheats but at least he sleeps at home), the fact is, he cheats, cheating is wrong and it can not be justified, the reason why you justify it for him is because of your low self esteem, you don't believe that if you leave you'll get a deserving partner or rather be single and HIV free.
Women of Strength
Women are strong, no matter how unhappy they are in the morning they put gloss on their lips, lift their heads up high and continue with life, you wouldn't notice what they go through, by not hanging your dirty laundry in public, I mean talking about your problems and creating awareness you might be a role model of a young girl who dreams of getting married in her life but because she is also misinformed by you, she might end up being married for all the wrong reasons. Another reason why women stay in unhappy marriages is because when you get married your parents forget to tell you that should anything go wrong, your room will always be there, by not saying that to you, it gets locked up in your mind that you are not supposed to go back home, so even if your partner treats you like a dog, you will still stay because you won't feel welcome in your home.
Unplanned babies
Most couples who have unplanned babies force their partners to marry them afterwards because of the fear of being married out of wedlock, well first of all you had sex before marriage and I don't see why you wouldn't take time to know your partner better and be ready for marriage before making that big decision in your life, that baby was unplanned and that doesn't make both of you ready for marriage, marriage is more than a baby. This also contributes to a high rate of divorce because people change, one of you starts acting in a different manner or one of you starts realizing that the other is not really his or her dream partner then you break up. Marriage is no child's play and you shouldn't get married for any reason other than love. Some men change in relationships, especially after you bear babies for them, it becomes hard for them to adjust with the situation and be there. To top it all, he might even not provide anymore because he's probably providing somewhere else, it even becomes harder for you because you might not be able to afford the things you used to afford because of the baby expenditure, instead of him paying attention on you to keep up, he'd rather look for an alternative, "a shinier coin", is that someone you call a life partner? If he acts like that with the first child what will happen with the rest.
Deception
Women also mislead each other, "ria latedzana", when your friend or sister or cousin come crying to you because she was beaten up or because she found her man on top of another woman in their house, we give each other wrong advice. You'd rather tell her that men are like that and she should fight for her marriage, the reason for that is because of the misinformation that we got from our grandmothers, well that's nonsense, is that how you want her to live? On the other hand, if your friend was to give you the right advice, which is to take action against a man that beats you up (Lay a case against him) or leave him because he continuously cheat on you etc. you will refer to your friend or sister or cousin of being jealous of your marriage that is why women mislead each other to avoid such situations.
In a nutshell
You stay with a man, who ignores and neglects you, yet you do everything for him, you give him your all, take care of him and the kids, nurse him when he is sick, cook for him even if you don't feel like it, make sure he looks his best, you give up your friends sometimes even your family because he does not approve, you give up your dreams of being an actress or having a PhD just for him, you will have four, five or more kids because you've been blessed by girls and he wants a boy. On top of it all you are forced to make love to this man because if you don't u will be raped, yes RAPED according to the law forcing someone to have sex with you is considered rape, whether that person is a stranger, your boyfriend or your husband. That is just the few examples of what women go through in marriage. All this trouble to have a man around the house, IS IT REALLY WORTH IT? And they justify it by saying "I am doing this for my kids" How is your suffering good for your kids?
NB: All the above situations happen in real life, yes we are strong but strong to make the right choices and also strong to create awareness and to support each other, like I said marriage is beautiful when it was intended for all the right reasons, problems will always occur in marriages but don't fall under the circle of women who were continuously abused emotionally and physically by their husbands, the circle of "strong" women who provide for their families including the husbands, "strong" women who died of depression because of their unhealthy marriages, "strong" women who were infected with HIV/AIDS because of their cheating husbands, "strong" women who cant stand their grounds and "strong" women with a low self esteem, we all know that deep down inside you are not strong, you are fragile and emotional and deserve a caring husband. Let us break this circle, the circle of unnecessary endurance, the circle of misinformation, the circle of deception, and the circle of always thinking that we are the ones who are wrong whenever things don't go right in the relationship, let us be women of courage and lift up our heads with confidence for the real joy that we experience in our lives and not the camouflage of our true situations.
Age Factor
Most people get married between the ages of 25-29 and that is why if you are still not married in that period you are considered to be what Africans call "Mutshelukwa"(an Africa word meaning that you've been passed by the time for Marriage, "Spinster"). That puts a lot of pressure in women's lives when they are in their early twenties to actually find a partner who's gonna marry them before that period passes and end up getting married for all the wrong reasons. There is nowhere where it is stated when one is supposed to get married during the latter age range, it is just a misinformation that was practiced from generation to generation and ended up being the "law of belief", Power of Subconscious mind by Dr. Joseph Murphy. Well let me break it down, the perfect time to get married is when you have the right partner to get married to, someone who will love you unconditionally, don't let people make you feel inferior because you are not married.
Social Stigma
It is sad how most women get married to the love of their lives but still suffer like they are single. Most women get married for social stigma, they get married just to be able to quote the words "my husband" when talking to their friends, colleagues, family or even strangers, what is the point of telling people that you've been married for 10 years while you were actually unhappy for 9 years in that marriage? Our great grandmothers misinformed our grandmothers and our mothers misinformed us (Especially blacks). They have taught women to endure in marriages no matter what, I am sure that most people witnessed their fathers abusing their mothers physically and emotionally but they still stayed in those unhappy marriages, when they went back to their families to tell them how unhappy they were, their parents who are our grandparents would tell them to endure and that you have to make the marriage work(do you know the old saying, vhuhadzi ndi nama ya thole, meaning that you don't or shouldn't come back home when you encounter problems in your marriage), sad hey but true. The only reason why they said so was to maintain their social stigma, they were afraid of what would the neighbors say if their child came back home from a failed marriage, as much as you wouldn't leave as well for the same reasons, you will be afraid of what people would say about you particularly your friends and end up living a lie.
Endurance ( Desperation)
Most women endure unhappy marriages, I mean why on earth would you stay with a man who doesn't support you emotionally (Love) and financially (Provide), I mean what is he there for in the first place? Even worse at that time your in-laws hate your guts also, basically you are hated upon, cheated, lonely and beaten up on top of that, but you still stay with that man. Some women would even go to an extent of saying things like "no one will make me go out of this marriage, if I have to go out, I will go out with a coffin" Meaning that they will die for their marriages, and it actually happens women die from stress, nervous breakdowns, overdose of anti depressants, some commit suicide because it looks like it is the only way out and some are beaten to death or intentionally killed by their "Mr. Right" because they stood up to him, that's how stubborn other women can be, what concerns me most is that the people who will suffer most are the kids, they also grow up knowing that it's ok to stay in the unhappy marriages and to endure pain. The only reason you would endure those unpleasant conditions is because you are desperate to make things right though you knew that the ship sank a long time ago. We are too enduring, we bleed inside and not share our difficulties, are we really that tough?
Misinformation
The other reason why women get married is because we "as women" think that marriage is pleasant, the reason why we think so is because once again we were misinformed, our grandmothers used to tell our mothers not to hang their dirty laundry in public as a result our mothers never used to tell people of the unpleasant conditions they were living under, the advice they use to give out was that "every house has its problems but at the end of the day it still remains standing" they never outlined which problems were acceptable and which ones were not.
The grandmothers also used to tell the bride on her wedding day that a "man is an axe, he can be borrowed", basically that was to let you know that your man will cheat on you but don't give up your marriage. Because of that, this statement is still practiced because I see a lot of young women out there staying with cheating men, the scary part is that, that man is the same man that will demand unprotected sex and guess what a woman will fall for that regardless of the HIV/AIDS stats in our country.
"Men will always be men"
Most women like saying that "men will always be men", referring to how men operate. I would also agree to this statement because men were never challenged by women, they know that they can cheat and be forgiven and still sleep with you without a condom, duhh, they also know that they can beat you up and massage your wounds afterward, they know that they might not buy groceries but will eat the best meal everyday, they know that they might not pay electricity bills and still come back home to that warm heater etc, in short, as much as women were taught not to hang their dirty laundry in public, men also know that their dirty laundry won't be hung in public that is why they just do what ever they like and still get to keep the woman. Ever wondered why men don't like their family matters do be discussed with other people(friends n families),its because they know that what they are doing to you is wrong, yet they do it and its up to you to put the end to it.
Low self Esteem
It is the women with low self esteem that contribute to the situations like these, the women who can't stand their grounds, the women who throw their money towards men so that those men can stay with them, it is this kind of women that makes men disrespect women, it is because of us women, we sometimes don't know what's right and what's wrong. You didn't get married to be someone's punching bag, you didn't get married to be a second best, if your man cheats on you then it means that you are not good enough for him, I often hear women saying things like "wanga u a ita mara u edela hayani" (Mine cheats but at least he sleeps at home), the fact is, he cheats, cheating is wrong and it can not be justified, the reason why you justify it for him is because of your low self esteem, you don't believe that if you leave you'll get a deserving partner or rather be single and HIV free.
Women of Strength
Women are strong, no matter how unhappy they are in the morning they put gloss on their lips, lift their heads up high and continue with life, you wouldn't notice what they go through, by not hanging your dirty laundry in public, I mean talking about your problems and creating awareness you might be a role model of a young girl who dreams of getting married in her life but because she is also misinformed by you, she might end up being married for all the wrong reasons. Another reason why women stay in unhappy marriages is because when you get married your parents forget to tell you that should anything go wrong, your room will always be there, by not saying that to you, it gets locked up in your mind that you are not supposed to go back home, so even if your partner treats you like a dog, you will still stay because you won't feel welcome in your home.
Unplanned babies
Most couples who have unplanned babies force their partners to marry them afterwards because of the fear of being married out of wedlock, well first of all you had sex before marriage and I don't see why you wouldn't take time to know your partner better and be ready for marriage before making that big decision in your life, that baby was unplanned and that doesn't make both of you ready for marriage, marriage is more than a baby. This also contributes to a high rate of divorce because people change, one of you starts acting in a different manner or one of you starts realizing that the other is not really his or her dream partner then you break up. Marriage is no child's play and you shouldn't get married for any reason other than love. Some men change in relationships, especially after you bear babies for them, it becomes hard for them to adjust with the situation and be there. To top it all, he might even not provide anymore because he's probably providing somewhere else, it even becomes harder for you because you might not be able to afford the things you used to afford because of the baby expenditure, instead of him paying attention on you to keep up, he'd rather look for an alternative, "a shinier coin", is that someone you call a life partner? If he acts like that with the first child what will happen with the rest.
Deception
Women also mislead each other, "ria latedzana", when your friend or sister or cousin come crying to you because she was beaten up or because she found her man on top of another woman in their house, we give each other wrong advice. You'd rather tell her that men are like that and she should fight for her marriage, the reason for that is because of the misinformation that we got from our grandmothers, well that's nonsense, is that how you want her to live? On the other hand, if your friend was to give you the right advice, which is to take action against a man that beats you up (Lay a case against him) or leave him because he continuously cheat on you etc. you will refer to your friend or sister or cousin of being jealous of your marriage that is why women mislead each other to avoid such situations.
In a nutshell
You stay with a man, who ignores and neglects you, yet you do everything for him, you give him your all, take care of him and the kids, nurse him when he is sick, cook for him even if you don't feel like it, make sure he looks his best, you give up your friends sometimes even your family because he does not approve, you give up your dreams of being an actress or having a PhD just for him, you will have four, five or more kids because you've been blessed by girls and he wants a boy. On top of it all you are forced to make love to this man because if you don't u will be raped, yes RAPED according to the law forcing someone to have sex with you is considered rape, whether that person is a stranger, your boyfriend or your husband. That is just the few examples of what women go through in marriage. All this trouble to have a man around the house, IS IT REALLY WORTH IT? And they justify it by saying "I am doing this for my kids" How is your suffering good for your kids?
NB: All the above situations happen in real life, yes we are strong but strong to make the right choices and also strong to create awareness and to support each other, like I said marriage is beautiful when it was intended for all the right reasons, problems will always occur in marriages but don't fall under the circle of women who were continuously abused emotionally and physically by their husbands, the circle of "strong" women who provide for their families including the husbands, "strong" women who died of depression because of their unhealthy marriages, "strong" women who were infected with HIV/AIDS because of their cheating husbands, "strong" women who cant stand their grounds and "strong" women with a low self esteem, we all know that deep down inside you are not strong, you are fragile and emotional and deserve a caring husband. Let us break this circle, the circle of unnecessary endurance, the circle of misinformation, the circle of deception, and the circle of always thinking that we are the ones who are wrong whenever things don't go right in the relationship, let us be women of courage and lift up our heads with confidence for the real joy that we experience in our lives and not the camouflage of our true situations.
