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New Employment Rules

Discussion in 'Jokes/Utani + Udaku/Gossips' started by Freetown, Aug 25, 2008.

  1. Freetown

    Freetown JF-Expert Member

    #1
    Aug 25, 2008
    Joined: Apr 6, 2008
    Messages: 888
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    SICKDAYS

    We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.

    SURGERY

    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    HOLIDAYS

    Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

    ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH

    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.

    TOILET USE

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.

    In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.

    LUNCH BREAK

    Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill..

    DRESS CODE

    It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a payrise.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation or input should be directed elsewhere.

    Have a nice day


    The Management
     
  2. Invisible

    Invisible Admin Staff Member

    #2
    Aug 25, 2008
    Joined: Feb 11, 2006
    Messages: 9,095
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    I printed this and gave to my employees as new Rules. Hope they're enjoying working at my firm!
     
  3. RR

    RR JF-Expert Member

    #3
    Aug 27, 2008
    Joined: Mar 17, 2007
    Messages: 6,633
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    And so we need at least two people with similar qualifiactions for every position...thats we need when every1 is expected to resign from life untimely.
     
  4. africa6666

    africa6666 JF-Expert Member

    #4
    Aug 29, 2008
    Joined: Aug 18, 2008
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    Katika zote hii ndo inafaa kwa ngo's zetu ili tuwe fast
     
  5. Lighondi

    Lighondi JF-Expert Member

    #5
    Sep 1, 2008
    Joined: Aug 21, 2008
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    Kwa harakaharaka utaona ni kama gereza fulani hivi. Lakini kusema kweli tunapoteza muda mwingi sana kwa mambo ambayo hayana faida katika utendaji wetu wa kila siku. Huku tunakofanya kazi (private sector, -jina kapuni-) mambo hayako tofauti sana na haya maandishi, isipokuwa tu hayajaandikwa. kinachofanyika ni kukulundikia kazi kwa muda ambao kwa utamaduni wetu wa Ki-tanzania tungeweza kuzifanya kwa muda mara nne ya wanaotoa. Lakini zinaisha hata kama unarudi home uko hoi fulani ivi!! Kikubwa ni kwamba zinaishaaaa!!!!

    Kila la kheri mdau. Nimeipenda hii!!!
     
  6. Mshiiri

    Mshiiri JF-Expert Member

    #6
    Sep 7, 2008
    Joined: Jun 16, 2008
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    Hii ni aina ile ya management inayoitwa Scientific Management ambayo hasara zake ni kutokujali wafanyakazi which will bring sh*t at the end of the day
     
  7. X-PASTER

    X-PASTER Moderator

    #7
    Feb 17, 2009
    Joined: Feb 12, 2007
    Messages: 11,651
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    Notice of a company to employees!


    Dear Staff,

    Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

    ***********​

    1) TRANSPORTATION:

    It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

    a) If we see you driving a Maruti or Toyota, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

    b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

    c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    ***********​

    2) ANNUAL LEAVE:

    Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).

    - They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    ***********

    3) LUNCH BREAK:

    a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

    b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

    c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

    ***********​

    4) SICK DAYS:

    We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

    - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    ***********​

    5) SURGERY:

    As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

    - You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

    - To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    ***********​

    6) INTERNET USAGE: (i.e. Jamiiforums)

    All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.

    Important Note:
    - Charges applicable as Tshs.200 per minute this is equal to 12,000 per hour VAT excl, as we have 10MB connection.

    Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

    Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.


    Best Regards,

    Human Resorse Manager
     
  8. BabaDesi

    BabaDesi JF-Expert Member

    #8
    Feb 17, 2009
    Joined: Jun 30, 2007
    Messages: 2,792
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    Noted. Please Foward. 17/02/2009
     
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