MataFire
Member
- Nov 5, 2010
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The times are changing is an expression that is often used but not all change is good. For marriages, the changes are expressed in ever increasing numbers of divorces. Why do so many marriages end in divorce nowadays? In fact, if we study the data over the last hundred years you will find that rising divorce rates are nothing new.
The Statistics of Divorce
If you look at the statistics since the beginning of last Century, you will find that a very small percentage of marriages ended in divorce up to the 1920's. There was then a steady increase throughout the 40's and 50's but then there was a huge spike during the 60's and 70's. Actually, from the 80's to the beginning of the 90's, the rate slowed significantly and even fell downwards by the end of the 90's. But it is on the rise once more this Century.
So, as you can appreciate there is nothing new about a rising trend in divorces.It doesn't matter so much the percentage as the shear numbers of families affected by divorce due to the much higher population.
Which Groups are More likely to get Divorced
First of all, the current divorce rate in the US is anywhere between 40% and 50% depending on the source. That is a pretty sad statistic - almost 1 in 2 marriages will end up in divorce! The vast majority of these divorces are couples that married when they were between 20 and 24, followed by those under 20 years of old - not entirely surprising.
Another alarming statistic is that the 40 to 50% divorce rate is for first time marriages. If we look at second and third marriages then the rate goes up to 60 - 67% and 73 - 74% respectively. So I guess, if it didn't work out the first time for you then there is less hope the second or third time.
Why are so Many Couples Getting Divorced?
If we look at the social mentality changes of the last hundred years ago, we might get some clues. All throughout the reign of Queen Victoria in Britain, from 1837 to 1901, there were not many divorces as the Victorian era was one of high values and morals. In other words, you were married for good or for bad but you didn't get divorced - it wasn't the right thing to so!
Society was a more liberal in the "roaring" 20's than in the Victorian era, so there was a sharp increase in divorces then that continued up until the 50's. Not surprising then, that the "swinging" 60's and was the start of an enormous increase in divorces. These were decades that were each marked by rapid social change, liberty, daring, rebels, peace and love, protests, youth movements, etc
The divorce rate in the 80's and 90's dropped off as I said; but why was this? These were probably the least dynamic decades of the last Century. It was a time of new opportunities and wealth for many that saw the rise of the yuppies, or "young upwardly-mobile professional." They were a class of young people that put off marriage or raising children as their careers and making money came first.
Divorces in the 21st Century
So, divorces are once more sharply rising in this Century. What are the reasons and causes for this decades rise in the divorce rate? There have been many studies done about this subject and the number one reason that came out of it all was money. Financial problems is cited as the main concern of many couples who are struggling trying to balance a home life when both are working, or worse both are out of jobs.
Other reasons are poor communication, a lack of commitment to the marriage, infidelity, a change in priorities, addictions / substance abuse, physical / sexual abuse, and finally, a lack of conflict resolution skills. Of course, there are probably hundreds of reasons; individual reasons can be unique and complex and are beyond the scope of a mere article. But my personal perspective on the subject is that the main reason behind a lot of divorces is the poor communication and a lack of conflict resolution skills.
The answer is always the same without fail or compromise. "Because we love each other." I tell them that is great, but love in a union is a given. Why else do you want to get married? :eatingpopcorn: I wait and I wait, and then I finally decide to help them out, by asking the woman first, (I really don't know why I do it that way, but I just do :crackup: ) What is it about him, that makes you want to "SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HIM?" She looks at me with almost a horrified look and starts to scramble for things to come up with. 
She says well he loves me, and he has a good job, and he loves kids, and he likes my mother, but not really my dad. :darthvader: Then I interject with, "What happens when he isn't working, or seems like he isn't being intimate with you, or doesn't have a very good month, and he is having a difficult transition in his life, and you think that you aren't attractive to him anymore, and you truly believe that he thinks he would be better off with someone else?" Would you then make the mistake that so many would make, and look to fall back on divorce. Or would you stay commited to your one flesh union, and be obedient to God, and stay in there regardless of how you feel?
Then I would present to him the same questions. When they both had a little time to think about it, they would look like they needed :help: in their decision.
Then I would ask them if they have had sex. They would tell me no. Then I would ask, "Are you hot for each other?" They would say that they were. Then I would ask if it is possible that they are running out to get married, so that they can have justified sex. Some have said yes, some have said no.
But in this type of situation, they have found out the hard way, that they don't have a lot in common once the marriage bed cools down, and I have seen it end in divorce many times.
Also I have seen Christians get married for the plain fact that they are both Christians, and that they would work out the details after they are married. Being a Christian is never a common ground for 2 people to rush into marriage. Christian walks can be a common ground to get married, but not to run right into it, because they are Christians, and they will work it out later. Marriage in Christian life should be prayed about, and looked after. It is a union that is second only to a personal relationship with God. Let things be done decently and in order. Blessings.
She says well he loves me, and he has a good job, and he loves kids, and he likes my mother, but not really my dad. :darthvader: Then I interject with, "What happens when he isn't working, or seems like he isn't being intimate with you, or doesn't have a very good month, and he is having a difficult transition in his life, and you think that you aren't attractive to him anymore, and you truly believe that he thinks he would be better off with someone else?" Would you then make the mistake that so many would make, and look to fall back on divorce. Or would you stay commited to your one flesh union, and be obedient to God, and stay in there regardless of how you feel?Then I would present to him the same questions. When they both had a little time to think about it, they would look like they needed :help: in their decision.
Then I would ask them if they have had sex. They would tell me no. Then I would ask, "Are you hot for each other?" They would say that they were. Then I would ask if it is possible that they are running out to get married, so that they can have justified sex. Some have said yes, some have said no.
But in this type of situation, they have found out the hard way, that they don't have a lot in common once the marriage bed cools down, and I have seen it end in divorce many times.
Also I have seen Christians get married for the plain fact that they are both Christians, and that they would work out the details after they are married. Being a Christian is never a common ground for 2 people to rush into marriage. Christian walks can be a common ground to get married, but not to run right into it, because they are Christians, and they will work it out later. Marriage in Christian life should be prayed about, and looked after. It is a union that is second only to a personal relationship with God. Let things be done decently and in order. Blessings.
When a couple get married they intend it to be 'happy ever after'. I don't believe anyone goes into marriage intending to get divorced. However, I do think there are four major reasons why so many marriages end up in the divorce courts.1. Selfishness: quite simply, any relationship is one of give and take. In a marriage if both partners want what is best for their partner over and above what they want for themselves then there won't be bitter arguments and conflict. It's when we insist on having our own way that problems arise.
2. Lack of Communication: when something is bothering you in your marriage then clamming up and shutting the other person out will cause that concern to fester and grow. Your imagination might run completely wild until you've worked yourself up into an angry accusing state - which will certainly lead to more arguments. If you talk about your concerns before they become massive, and if you can talk openly and honestly with each other, then most problems can be sorted out quite amicably.
3. Lack of shared values and goals: if you got married in the heat of romance and lust then you are unlikely to have really explored each other's values and goals. Once the initial honeymoon period is over reality kicks in. And the differences can be quite fundamental, perhaps you want children and your spouse doesn't, or vice versa. If you want different things from your marriage then you are likely to be disappointed and disappointing. It's vital to discuss these sorts of issues before you decide to get married. Is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? While a broken engagement hurts it is far better than the hurt, acrimony and unpleasantness that could be caused by a divorce several years down the track.
4. Divorce is seen as an 'easy' answer: some people would say that divorce is far too easy these days. While it might be true that one can get divorced easily, the emotional turmoil, feelings of failure and detrimental effects on the children, make divorce anything but 'easy'.
Life will present challenges to every marriage at some time or another. This could be interfering in-laws, a sickly child or worse. However, if you have started out with shared values and goals; if you keep the communication channels open whatever happens; and if you unselfishly consider the other person first, then you will stay married and your marriage bond will have been strengthened by the challenges you have faced together.
2. Lack of Communication: when something is bothering you in your marriage then clamming up and shutting the other person out will cause that concern to fester and grow. Your imagination might run completely wild until you've worked yourself up into an angry accusing state - which will certainly lead to more arguments. If you talk about your concerns before they become massive, and if you can talk openly and honestly with each other, then most problems can be sorted out quite amicably.
3. Lack of shared values and goals: if you got married in the heat of romance and lust then you are unlikely to have really explored each other's values and goals. Once the initial honeymoon period is over reality kicks in. And the differences can be quite fundamental, perhaps you want children and your spouse doesn't, or vice versa. If you want different things from your marriage then you are likely to be disappointed and disappointing. It's vital to discuss these sorts of issues before you decide to get married. Is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? While a broken engagement hurts it is far better than the hurt, acrimony and unpleasantness that could be caused by a divorce several years down the track.
4. Divorce is seen as an 'easy' answer: some people would say that divorce is far too easy these days. While it might be true that one can get divorced easily, the emotional turmoil, feelings of failure and detrimental effects on the children, make divorce anything but 'easy'.
Life will present challenges to every marriage at some time or another. This could be interfering in-laws, a sickly child or worse. However, if you have started out with shared values and goals; if you keep the communication channels open whatever happens; and if you unselfishly consider the other person first, then you will stay married and your marriage bond will have been strengthened by the challenges you have faced together.
Many people have ignored the ALLMIGHTY Creator the originator of marriages. Who teaches us to benefit ourselves. The Bible talks about three cords are better than two and will not be torn away easily. God +
Husband + wife. No secret. when husband and wife include God in their marriage journey ! marriage life is just paradise like; all imperfections and differences are just overlooked and marriage is just enjoyed to the maximum. So simple. Remember Golden rule treat others with love and respect who does not want to be treated that way? let's learn apply and benefit thus prosper. Indpendence from God has terribly failed.
It takes two to make it paradise and it takes two sometimes to break it.
Anonymous said...Marriage is a bond formed by two people who have decided to leave their own personal lives as different people and decided to be one,its difficult this days since everyone wants the upper hand in side the house,everyone wants to have the last say,it takes hard work to stay in the marriage and if both or one lacks communication skills then the marriage is headed for a total disaster,it has become a trend that getting divorced is something so normal this days but we forget that nothing is ever easy and problems are a part of life,listening,forgiving and learning from the past mistakes is what makes a marriage work.
