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Why did my spouse cheat?

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by Bibie, Feb 2, 2009.

  1. Bibie

    Bibie Member

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    Feb 2, 2009
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    Why did my spouse cheat?
    I'm often asked, "Why did my partner cheat?" Often an affair is a symptom. A spouse cheats because there's vulnerability, either in your partner or in your relationship. Problems can occur if your relationship has become dry, if you're not interacting with each other, if the sex life is nil or if there's been some changes where a lot of the attention is going outside of the relationship. Your partner may be hungry, and seeking to fill that hunger through other means. Whether it be through cyber sex, through emotional intimacy with coworkers or through having an affair. To get to the heart of the reason for the infidelity, consider cheating to be the symptom and not the illness. If there's some vulnerability in your partner - they're feeling lonely, they're feeling bored, they're wanting some excitement. Perhaps they just got a promotion and they're feeling really full of themselves and want to act out. There are lots of reasons why people cheat. What you need to find out is, why did your spouse cheat? What is their vulnerability and how do you fill the hole between you?

    How can I stop obsessing about my spouse's infidelity?
    When you find out that your partner's had an affair, often what happens is that your mind starts searching for answers: "Why? How? Did he lie here? Did she lie here? When he went on the business trip... When she worked late..." and your mind starts trying to fill in all the details. Obsessing over the affair only hurts you more and more because your mind doesn't know what is real and what is memory. Every scene you obsess about and play in your head is like taking a knife and injuring yourself more. This is not the time for more injury! You've been injured enough after a partner has cheated. You need to start working to stop the obsession, stop the thoughts. One way to end the obsession is by literally thought stopping. You sit there, you feel your mind going off, you're off and running, tell yourself, "STOP! NO!" You set a limit, right there; you tell your thoughts, "Absolutely not! No! Go away! Stop!" And a thought comes? "No! Stop! I said no!" Thought stopping is really powerful. Another thing is to maybe go on an obsessional diet so that for thirty minutes a day, you can obsess all you want. You can think about all the details, you can hurt yourself all you want with how you've been injured. However, at the end of those thirty minutes, or fifteen minutes, or five minutes, the alarm goes off. You're done for the day. No more thoughts, no more. You can have other thoughts, you can have pleasant thoughts, because it's important to remember that what you think is how you feel. If you're thinking thoughts that hurt you, you're going to be feeling really bad. This whole situation you're in, already feels bad. Don't add to it. Counter it with much nicer thoughts that are going to make you feel good. It's going to help you get through this a lot better and stop you from obsessing over your spouse's affair.

    How do I cope with my jealousy and insecurity stemming from my spouse's affair?
    It is really normal to have a myriad of feelings of jealous and insecurity when you find out that you've been betrayed. All these feelings flood you. Normal feelings experienced are disbelief, shock, thinking how could this happen, anger and rage - "I want to kill him. I want to kill her. How dare they, how dare this person, how dare this person that I have married do this to me." Jealousy and insecurity is common stemming from your spouse's affair. Either you're going to want to take revenge on them or you're just going to keep torturing yourself with these visions and fantasies of all the times this person has lied to you. You may feel sadness and depression because your trust has been devestated. Jealousy, when you start comparing, "Mmm, was this guy a better lover than me, was this girl prettier, did they share an emotional bond, did he tell our secrets to her, did she do things with him that she or he didn't do with me?" All this is natural, so what do you do? How do you cope? One, understand that you are traumatized and you are in trauma. If you had your best friend or your child right by you, traumatized, how would you take care of them? How would you hold them? What would you be telling them? This is a time that you've got to be really kind and gentle with yourself. Self-loving. You're going to be rebuilding from the ground up yourself, considering this marriage, trying to figure out what you're going to do, how you're going to relate to this person, the spouse who was unfaithful to you. If you choose to heal with your partner, you're going to need to come from a really strong place inside yourself. If you choose to leave this partner, that's a whole other course, you still need to be really strong and connected with yourself. Right now you have got to be your own best friend, hold your own hand and be ever so kind and ever so gentle, and whatever feelings come up, hold yourself through them, and be ready for a rollercoaster ride.
     
  2. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

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    Feb 2, 2009
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    ...hapana, ni udhaifu tu wa moyo :(

    ...kabisa, i've done that before, it works miracles :D

    ...yap, the best healing by far...te he he :D am sooo in-luv with myself!!!
     
  3. Icadon

    Icadon JF-Expert Member

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    Feb 2, 2009
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    Kwa sababu unatumia muda mwingi JF.
    wiki njema
     
  4. P

    Pascal Mayalla JF-Expert Member

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    Asante bibie darasa zuri. Kwa sisi Ngozi nyeusi sio cheating ni kubadili mboga. Maisha ya ndoa za ngozi nyeusi ni concept ya kinu (mke) mche (mume) ambapo sex ndio zoezi la kutwanga. Hata upende vipi kutwangwa, ukitwanga kitu kile siku zote, wewe mtwngaji unaboreka hivyo ni vizuri kubadili badili as times go by.
    Naomba msinishambulie kuwa natetea, hapana!. Ni nature yetu.
     
  5. Nyamayao

    Nyamayao JF-Expert Member

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    nilikuwa nadhani mtu aki cheat labda ni coz huyo anae cheat nae ana kiwango fulani, mzuri kama malaika, kashushwa kutoka juu, kumbe walaaa niliyashuhudia, nadhani ni kubadili mboga kama mtoa mada 1 hapo juu alivyosema.
     
  6. Mfamaji

    Mfamaji JF-Expert Member

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    Mimi ni mwanaume , na WIFE wangu alianza urafiki na amwanaume mwingine. Nikawashtukia fresh. Sasa wote tuko kwenye wakati mgumu .Mimi nataka nimteme wala sitaki kufanya mapenzi nae tena. Yeye anasikitika mimi kuwa vile akijaribu kukana everytime. NajuA FIRST RULE NI NO NONO.

    Tatizo ni hawa watoto wawili tu basi. Otherwise ningeshamtimulia mbali REAGRDLESS OF NDOA. Sasa sababu zilizotolewa hapo juu naona haziaply kwangu. Maana nilikuwa nampasha vizuri kama kawaida tena nahakikisha ameridhika mwenyewe, labda nikiumwa, hela ninampa za kutosha tu japo nae ana kipato. Tukiudhiana tunarekebisha wenyewe na mambo yanaendelea. Shock ni pale nilipogundua chaeting. Sikuamini kabisa lakini ndio hivyo. Moyo unbleed hadi leo na sijui cha kufanya hali irudi kama mwanzo.

    Kwa hiyo kunaweza kukawa na sababu zaidi ya hizo ila hii ya kwangu sijui nini nini , najiuliza wapi nimekosea maana yeye haniambii. Katika hali kama hii unaogopa kumweleza hata best yako akushauri maana ni aibu. Unabaki ukijitibu majeruhi mwenyewe. Cheating is f***ck
     
  7. C

    Chupaku JF-Expert Member

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    Feb 2, 2009
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    Pole sana, ila kwani wewe kujawahi kumcheat?
     
  8. Mfamaji

    Mfamaji JF-Expert Member

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    Sikuwahi, lakini naona sasa it is inevitable. Hell invokes hell.
     
  9. Mfamaji

    Mfamaji JF-Expert Member

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    Bado sikuwahi kumcheat .Kabla sijaoa yes .After no. Lakini naona sasa ni inevitable.'HELL INVOKES HELL'
     
  10. C

    Chupaku JF-Expert Member

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    Cha muhimu kama anakubali kosa msamehe, ingawa sio rahisi sana. Ila pia mkapime afya zenu. Ukianza kumcheat sasa kama kulipa kisasi wote mna risky kuokota maradhi bure na hata hao watoto mtawaacha yatima mapema jua liko juu. Pia hakikisha kama kweli wameachana na huyo jamaa kabisa. Yawezekana kuna jambo haumfanyii, marriage is not only about sex, I hope you know this. Ila pole sana.
     
  11. Mfamaji

    Mfamaji JF-Expert Member

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    Ahsante chupaku kwa ushauri. Kama kipo nisichomfanyia na sijakijua hadi leo after 8 years of marriage sidhani kama nitakijua tena esp. kama haniambii. Wakina mama wako so complicated like cricket.

    Kupima. Mkuu ujasiri unakuwa mdogo . Labda ningoje ngoje tena kama nitasahau sahau. Hebu fikiria ukianza kujipa matokeo positive halafu umelala nae kitanda kimoja huku unajua kuwa ndie kaleta sijui itakuwaje. Naona niache kwanza hadi roho ipoepoe. Au nimlazimishe akapime kwanza yeye?

    mtu akitembea na mke wako ahalafu ukajua na ukamfahamu ni balaa tupu. Nyie acheni tu tujinywee mapombe yetu maana huwezi jua kichwani mwa mtu kuna shida gani.
     
  12. K

    Kima Member

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    Feb 2, 2009
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    Mimi ni mwanamke,nadhani wanawake hua wanachet baada ya wanaume kuwa masugu ku cheat,mwanamme uliwahi kukosa wakati hamjaoana basi yeye analipiza mara mia ya ile wakati yale ni mambo ya kale he keep on telling you eti wewe ulifaya hapo mwanamke huna faraja unaingia kwenye vishawishi,na wakati mwingine wanaume wetu nao wanajisahau unakuta mtu kabla hamjaona au mwanzoni anakuridhisha kimapenzi lakini baada wewe umekua kama spare tyre hana hata muda na wewe hata ujitengeneze vipi,na sisi ni wanawake jamani tunaitaji mapenzi hata kama mumetuoa.
     
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