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What to Ask Before Marriage

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by BAK, Sep 24, 2008.

  1. BAK

    BAK JF-Expert Member

    Sep 24, 2008
    Joined: Feb 11, 2007
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    Work Questions
    Let's acknowledge that we live in an extremely status-oriented society, with emphasis placed on marrying a person with the "right" professional identity. How often have you heard people brag (or maybe you've bragged yourself) about a partner, saying, "He's a doctor" or "She's a model," as if status alone were enough to guarantee a good relationship. Unfortunately, you don't hear people bragging, "He's a kindergarten teacher" or "She's an administrative assistant at a not-for-profit organization in the Bronx." This is part of the problem. When we focus on status, we destroy any chance to live an authentic life with a partner who shares our values.

    These are the questions you really want answered:
    Are you working in your chosen profession?
    How many hours a week do you work?
    What is your dream job?
    What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?
    What does your job entail? (For example: Do you often travel for business, work at home or perform dangerous tasks?)

    Money Questions
    Money is a loaded topic. Many couples stop talking at the point of "how much," assuming the rest will take care of itself. But questions about money will infuse themselves into every area of your life and show up on a daily basis.

    These are a few questions you should ask:

    What is your annual income?
    Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts?
    Do you have significant debts?
    Do you believe in establishing a family budget?
    How important is it for you to make a lot of money?

    Sex Questions
    Men and women have different issues with owning their sexuality. For men, it is denying the significance of sex and not seeing the sacredness in the act. For women, it is more often ignorance and shame, not giving themselves permission to know what they need and then matching it with their behavior. In a conversation about your sexual expectations and fears, be sure to respect each other's boundaries. Your goal in asking these questions is not to pry into every detail of sexual history, but to open a conversation about the most intimate aspect of your relationship.

    What sexual activities do you enjoy most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific!
    Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?
    What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?
    How often do you need or expect sex?
    Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?

    Parenthood Questions
    Although Lies at the Altar is about marriage and intimate relationships, having children is also for grown-ups, and there are all too many "adult" couples bringing children into marriages where the foundation is shaky on a good day. Being a mature adult involves recognizing that much of what you re-create in your marriage and as parents has to do with unresolved issues with your own parents and family. If you are married and don't have children, give them and yourself the gift of building a strong foundation before subjecting them to the chaos of parents who haven't shown up and haven't grown up.
    Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children?
    Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation?
    How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family?
    Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time outs, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)?
    Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?

    Religion Questions
    Religion cannot be reduced to affiliation. That's especially true today, when religion has become complicated for people. Dr. Robin has friends who chose not to be actively involved in a formal religion. However, she was raised as a Catholic, and he was Jewish, and these strong historical and familial influences constantly showed up as surprise guests in their lives.

    They thought they had rejected the religious affiliations of their parents, but when they became parents themselves, they found themselves automatically being drawn back. Naturally, this created a serious conflict about which religious influence would dominate their child's life. Because these were not dogmatic people, they eventually found a way to give their child the gift of a mixed religious heritage, but not every couple will find that possible. So when you're having a conversation about religion, open it up beyond affiliation, and find out what religion means to each of you.
    Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?
    Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?
    Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?
    How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?
    How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?
  2. H

    Haika JF-Expert Member

    Sep 24, 2008
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    Bila kusahau na sisi huku waafrika, Extended family, je una wazazi?
    Una ndugu, wakubwa wagonjwa, wazee, wafungwa, ambao wanahitaji uhusiano wetu ujitoe kwa ajili yao?
    je unaamini katika extended family? to what extent? how abt live in relatives?

    step children to be, are there any?
    What is your views on these?
    How much does your family determine your future family, (will your mother come to arrange the furniture in our house?)

    And without forgeting the ultimate question.
    Do you love me the way i am with what I belive now?
  3. Sita Sita

    Sita Sita JF-Expert Member

    Sep 24, 2008
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    Mbona I didnt see about Health Questions????

    Have you checked your HIV status?
    Should we go and check? How often shoulf we check annually.
    What about some diseases running in ur family like diabetes, cancer, BP, mental problems
    Do you have any albino relative?
    are you fertile? will you leave me if am not?
    what if i have an accident which changes the way i am today. WILL U LEAVE ME?

    there are lots of health questions to consuder without forgetting

    If sick such that i cant do nothing, i jus lay on the bed; will you be there for me au utaenda kwa MWINGINE??
  4. DMussa

    DMussa JF-Expert Member

    Sep 24, 2008
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    Unfortunately an assumption was made there!!

    By all means one should be able to know clearly the health status of his/her partner to be!! There are also deseases/conditions that are inherited 9geneticaly) it better knowing cos sooner or later they might pop up and bring tensions in families!!!

    Thanks all for this nice stuff
  5. NaimaOmari

    NaimaOmari JF-Expert Member

    Sep 24, 2008
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    Kumuuliza mtu directly at times anaweza akakupa half baked information or even kukuongopea .. you first investigate him thoroughly and then ukimbandika swali unakua unajibu la uhakika mwenyewe other than to rely on whatever comes from his mouth... tena ukiona anaanza ohhh eehh ... you look straight in his eyes hupepesi .. hakianani vile atanyanyuka na huyooo ataondoka.

    Zamani wazee wetu walitumia njia ya kuchunguza sana ukoo hata kama mtu ni maskini ila akawa na heshima wazazi hawaangalii utajiri kwani pande zote mbili hujitahidi kuwainua na kuwasaidia

    I would rather investigate myself then questions baadae
  6. H

    Haika JF-Expert Member

    Sep 24, 2008
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    waambie dada Naima, siku hizi wanaangalia tu jeans inamkaaje, au kama najua kula na uma na kisu.
    kwa upande wangu naon ani rahisi sana kuulizana haya maswali kabla ya kuanza kufanya mapenzi na kuambiana i love you, ukiniacha nitajinyonga.

    Ni rahisi zaidi kutumia macho mengi zaidi ya ya kwako mwenyewe manake waongo wenye kutaka kuwa na mpenzi wa kuzugia wako wengi sana, au wenye kutaka kuficha jambo kubwa mfano ukimwi pia wako wengi sana.
    Wengi hawafahamu kuwa jibu lenyewe halitakukosesha mpenzi ila NAMNa utakavyolitoa ndio haswa itakayofanya mpenzi akukimbie, mfano mzuri ni wenye magonjwa au family or money problems, hizo unaweza kuzielezea kwa namna ambayo mtarajiwa wako atapenda kushirikiana na wewe zaidi. Na atauthamini zaidi utu wako kwa jinsi ilivyo na kauli na mtazamo uliotulia.
  7. M

    Malila JF-Expert Member

    Sep 24, 2008
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    Michango yote bomba sana,
    kuna maswala kadhaa watu huwa hawajiulizi/kuuliza kwa watu wanaowafahamu; Ni muhimu mtu akajiuliza hivi mimi nafaa kuwa mke/mme wa mtu au nina sifa za kuwa mwenza wa mtu? Jibu kama ni hapana ni lazima utamdanganya mwenzako.La pili,waulize marafiki/jamii yako/ndugu/majirani wanaokupenda kuwa,je kwa sasa naweza kuwa na mke/mme? au kwa jinsi nilivyo mke/mme wangu awe na sifa zipi? Niko tayari kubadilika na kuanza maisha ya mwili mmoja (kujibinafsisha kwa mwenzangu), yaani hata kwenda kwaya kanisani inabidi uage kwa mwenzio!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Je niko tayari kupokea mapungufu ya kibinadamu ya mwenzangu? Je tabia za jamii/familia yetu si kikwazo kwa mpendwa nimtakaye?

    Kumbuka hakuna binadamu anayeweza kukiona kisogo chake.Kumbuka hata fuska hataki kuoa kicheche,naye anataka kuoa aliyetulia. Mind you kila mtu anataka amani na furaha ndani ya ndoa,uko tayari kuifanya ndoa yako iwe na amani na furaha?
  8. H

    Haika JF-Expert Member

    Sep 25, 2008
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    its better to stay out if you are not ready or willing. there is no half in/out!!
  9. Capitol Hill

    Capitol Hill JF-Expert Member

    Sep 25, 2008
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    Ukienda taratibu in several dates na huyo "prospective" spouse utajua majibu ya maswali mengi tu..wakati mwingine bila hata ya kuuliza. Kwa mfano kama mtu ni mwongo..utamshika kwa sababu three weeks ago alikuambia hivi..leo atasahau atabadilisha atasema vingine. Kama mtu ni mchoyo..utamjua...kama ni freak utamjua...kama ni mfujaji wa hela utamjua.
    Tatizo we rush into things...date ya kwanza tu mtu anataka kwenda all the way...then after that emotional feelings kick in, na hata kama kuna makosa au issues nzito ambazo huyo rectruiter alikuwa anaziangalia zina go out of the window..
  10. H

    Haika JF-Expert Member

    Sep 26, 2008
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    we have our pririties twisted at the time
  11. Capitol Hill

    Capitol Hill JF-Expert Member

    Sep 26, 2008
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    I definitely agree with ya.
  12. MankaM

    MankaM JF-Expert Member

    Sep 30, 2014
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    Siku hizi watu hawataki maswali meengi sana ila ukiwa unafuatilia chini chini kupitia stor za hapa na pale utajua muda mwingine hata kupitia marafiki zake.

    Ila wengi ni waongo what if akakujibu vile anajisikia na isiwe kweli??? halafu maswali kama haya makavu makavi bana hata mtu hawezi kukujibu vizur atafunika kombe tu mwanaharamu apite ukishaingia kwenye mstari ndio utaanza kuona tatizo lilipo duuu