Rutashubanyuma
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- Sep 24, 2010
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Unhappily married ever after
The one way to arrest such an unhappy union is to be very sober and independent while choosing marriage partners. Photo/FILE
By CIKU KIMANIPosted Friday, December 17 2010 at 13:18
When I wrote recently about women who cheat on their husbands as a punishment for neglecting them, I got a barrage of protest from many men.
They protested that the story implied that only women are lonely when marriages do not work, or that men are always to blame for failed relationships.
Two of the complaints especially caught my attention; one from a man who wanted to be hooked up with one of the women I interviewed because, although he insists he still loves his wife, he was constantly denied sex.
He figures, since the only thing lacking in his marriage is bedroom action, if he could get that elsewhere, he would feel complete.
The second one was from a man who has been married for eight years but has never known a moment of happiness in his marriage.
I bring you the stories of the two men, who, judging from the other replies, are testimony that it is not always a walk in the park for men.
*Musyoka wanted me to hook him up with one of the ‘married and lonely' ladies because, according to him, they meet specifications of the kind of woman he is looking for; unhappily married and not ready for a divorce, moneyed, driving and beautiful.
He wants them married as it means they would not demand more time from him than he can give. That they have money is also a plus as he is not willing to spend large amounts of money on them – his money, according to him, is for his family; that they drive means he would not have to pick them or drop them home after a clandestine date. "All I want is somebody to take care of my physical needs," he asserts.
His wife of four years gave birth two years ago. Ever since, their sex life has been fast heading south. "My wife, who is my best friend and whom I love very much, completely went off sex. Whenever I try to get some, she says she does not feel like.
"She only lets me near her once a month, and every time I feel like, I just get it whether she feels like or not. I am tired of feeling guilty, I have all along remained faithful, but sex once a month is just not enough for me – maybe if she was a willing participant, it might be different, but she has turned me into an unwilling rapist," he laments.
*Musyoka's attempt to involve her best friend bore no fruit, as she asked to be given time, but according to him, two years is more than enough time.
Divorce is the last thing he wants as he still views her as the love of his life, and he hopes one day she will change and start enjoying intimacy with him. According to him, in certain circumstances it is okay to cheat on a partner as he is not willing to lose his marital status or be separated from his child.
"I am fed up of torturing her with sex." He says. "If or when I get mpango wa kando, I am determined to continue taking care of my family financially and emotionally. To tell you the truth, the only thing that is lacking in our marriage is sex, and if I can get that somewhere else, the tension will be over and we will be happier."
*John's story is quite different. Unlike *Musyoka, he does not love his wife anymore, and he wants out. The only problem is, he does not have the option of mpango wa kando, and divorce is not going to be so easy.
*John is a pastor in the city leading a large flock. Divorce would mean the end of his career, or as he puts it, his calling. "How would I do marital counselling while my own marriage is over, who would take me seriously?" he laments.
He is not interested in mpango wa kando as that is against his faith, but he has reached the end of his tether. Nine years ago, he met his wife who was a member of his congregation; she was the perfect wife material; Christian, volunteered as a Sunday school teacher, mature and always had a kind word for everyone.
They courted for a year before tying the knot. That was when hell's doors opened with a vengeance.
"As soon as we went for our honeymoon, she changed immediately. She did not want to have sex with me, she did not want to talk to me and when she did, if it was not in monosyllables, she would be insulting me by telling me how bad I was in bed but in my opinion, how can I give good sex when she keeps injuring me emotionally, and even if I do not know how to do it, why not sit like two adults and discuss how I can improve? For a long time, I thought there was something I must have done to make her hate me so much, but for the life of me, I cannot think what."
Matters have gone from bad to worse. "She does no longer goes to church, she does not wash my clothes, she has kicked me out of our matrimonial bed and she keeps pushing me to the wall at every turn. I suspect she is doing this to start a fight or to make me hit her so she can run to my bosses or to court. Several times she has asked them to give me the sack, that I have not been a good husband to her. I do not understand how someone who once professed to love me can now hate me so much."
"Once in a while, she will want to sleep with me. But only when she feels like it. It is so mechanical it leaves me feeling used and dissatisfied. If I talk to female members of the congregation and she gets to know about it, she gets upset. My job requires me to talk to a lot of people, sometimes I have to visit them at home – she does not want that.
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By CIKU KIMANIPosted Friday, December 17 2010 at 13:18
When I wrote recently about women who cheat on their husbands as a punishment for neglecting them, I got a barrage of protest from many men.
They protested that the story implied that only women are lonely when marriages do not work, or that men are always to blame for failed relationships.
Two of the complaints especially caught my attention; one from a man who wanted to be hooked up with one of the women I interviewed because, although he insists he still loves his wife, he was constantly denied sex.
He figures, since the only thing lacking in his marriage is bedroom action, if he could get that elsewhere, he would feel complete.
The second one was from a man who has been married for eight years but has never known a moment of happiness in his marriage.
I bring you the stories of the two men, who, judging from the other replies, are testimony that it is not always a walk in the park for men.
*Musyoka wanted me to hook him up with one of the ‘married and lonely' ladies because, according to him, they meet specifications of the kind of woman he is looking for; unhappily married and not ready for a divorce, moneyed, driving and beautiful.
He wants them married as it means they would not demand more time from him than he can give. That they have money is also a plus as he is not willing to spend large amounts of money on them – his money, according to him, is for his family; that they drive means he would not have to pick them or drop them home after a clandestine date. "All I want is somebody to take care of my physical needs," he asserts.
His wife of four years gave birth two years ago. Ever since, their sex life has been fast heading south. "My wife, who is my best friend and whom I love very much, completely went off sex. Whenever I try to get some, she says she does not feel like.
"She only lets me near her once a month, and every time I feel like, I just get it whether she feels like or not. I am tired of feeling guilty, I have all along remained faithful, but sex once a month is just not enough for me – maybe if she was a willing participant, it might be different, but she has turned me into an unwilling rapist," he laments.
*Musyoka's attempt to involve her best friend bore no fruit, as she asked to be given time, but according to him, two years is more than enough time.
Divorce is the last thing he wants as he still views her as the love of his life, and he hopes one day she will change and start enjoying intimacy with him. According to him, in certain circumstances it is okay to cheat on a partner as he is not willing to lose his marital status or be separated from his child.
"I am fed up of torturing her with sex." He says. "If or when I get mpango wa kando, I am determined to continue taking care of my family financially and emotionally. To tell you the truth, the only thing that is lacking in our marriage is sex, and if I can get that somewhere else, the tension will be over and we will be happier."
*John's story is quite different. Unlike *Musyoka, he does not love his wife anymore, and he wants out. The only problem is, he does not have the option of mpango wa kando, and divorce is not going to be so easy.
*John is a pastor in the city leading a large flock. Divorce would mean the end of his career, or as he puts it, his calling. "How would I do marital counselling while my own marriage is over, who would take me seriously?" he laments.
He is not interested in mpango wa kando as that is against his faith, but he has reached the end of his tether. Nine years ago, he met his wife who was a member of his congregation; she was the perfect wife material; Christian, volunteered as a Sunday school teacher, mature and always had a kind word for everyone.
They courted for a year before tying the knot. That was when hell's doors opened with a vengeance.
"As soon as we went for our honeymoon, she changed immediately. She did not want to have sex with me, she did not want to talk to me and when she did, if it was not in monosyllables, she would be insulting me by telling me how bad I was in bed but in my opinion, how can I give good sex when she keeps injuring me emotionally, and even if I do not know how to do it, why not sit like two adults and discuss how I can improve? For a long time, I thought there was something I must have done to make her hate me so much, but for the life of me, I cannot think what."
Matters have gone from bad to worse. "She does no longer goes to church, she does not wash my clothes, she has kicked me out of our matrimonial bed and she keeps pushing me to the wall at every turn. I suspect she is doing this to start a fight or to make me hit her so she can run to my bosses or to court. Several times she has asked them to give me the sack, that I have not been a good husband to her. I do not understand how someone who once professed to love me can now hate me so much."
"Once in a while, she will want to sleep with me. But only when she feels like it. It is so mechanical it leaves me feeling used and dissatisfied. If I talk to female members of the congregation and she gets to know about it, she gets upset. My job requires me to talk to a lot of people, sometimes I have to visit them at home – she does not want that.
1 | 2 Next Page »
