My mind is maimed by corruption; a product of western education. I would have never thought that I would see a miracle in the making. But now my eyes are finally open, thanks to the wonderful cadres of Ujamaa. Few weeks ago, our Honorable Minister for Labor, in his unfathomable wisdom, raised minimum monthly wages for the private sector. Rejoice household employees: 65,000 shillings per month; barmen and barmaids 80,000 shillings; factory workers: 100,000 shillings; daladala drivers and fee collectors: 200,000 shillings; employees of the media sector: 250,000 shillings; coolies: 300,000 shillings; mining sector: 350,000 shillings; and the list goes on and on and on .O, Wonder! O, Joy! Tanzania, the working mans Nirvana! Now mind you, initially, I was surprised that no-one mentioned the public sector. I said to myself, it must be coming, then applied my corrupt mind at it and thought: Tanzania depends on donors, the World Bank and IMF to support the government budget, they would never allow such generous rates of increase. Finally it hit me, far from being scared of these mercenaries of capitalism, our glorious leaders knew that our dedicated civil servants, our teachers, doctors, policemen, firefighters, bureaucrats and technocrats, just like our 61 ministers and deputy ministers, do not care for such baseness as salaries and raises. They will sacrifice themselves for the glory of the cause: to serve the people. But my corrupt mind would not rest. I wondered: this must affect employers, they will find it difficult to employ new workers, some unenlightened ones may even retrench. But slowly the fog lifted, our leaders had promised, during elections 2 years ago, that they will create 5 million new jobs. So who cares whether the private sector creates new jobs or not, the government will create 5 million jobs. Huh! Plenty to go around! Retrenchments? No worries! A government that can create 5 million jobs can just as easily create 6 million or 7. Now some of you corrupted souls would say: But not a single job has not been created in the last 2 years!. You, fools! There is 3 years to go, wait and see the miracle! Didnt God create the world in 7 days? Whats a measly 5 million jobs in 3 years to our glorious leaders compared to that? But, God damn my twisted mind, it still would not rest and bought up inflation. Its corrupted logic speculated: These new minimum wages will act as an upward pressure on all salary levels. And to be able to meet this wage pressure, employers will raise prices, strengthening inflation. On top of that, masses of employees will have more disposable income, chasing a steady supply of goods, also leading to higher inflation. Now, I was really stuck: after all, what is the use of raising salaries, if at the end of the day, because of price hikes, employees will only be able to afford exactly the same things they could afford now? I racked my brain, and said to myself: It is not possible that our wonderful golden boys, have not thought of this; I must be missing something. I have to admit, I had to meditate on this, and a few bottles of beer had to be sacrificed, before I saw the light. It was so obvious and simple: donors, the World Bank and IMF will subsidize 50% of all private sector payrolls. After all, for decades now, they have been doing that for the government budget and thus the government payroll. Perfect, it all makes sense now. Employers do not have to raise prices since their payroll is subsidized, so goodbye wage rise driven inflation. Even better, now that corporate payroll is subsidized, even more people can be employed by the private sector, so hello job creation, and hello increased production, which means more supply of goods to match the increased demand for goods due to higher incomes, so hello price stability. Brilliant! Perfect! This calls for a celebration! Hey! Dada! You, gem of house-maids, bring me a few cold ones! But, guess what, this twisted, twisted mind of mine would still not rest. Corrupted, evil thing that it is, it screamed: Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! You wish! The fairy trinity (donors, World Bank, IMF) of the third world will never foot the bill! And after all, hadnt, in a recent interview with Financial Times, our wonderful golden boy in chief said, dependence on international funding of the government budget is decreasing and that this is a good thing? I have to admit, this was a dilemma. Obviously, as a nation, we do not want to depend even more on capitalist dogs and their mercenaries. So, I must be missing something. This calls for intense meditation! Dada, you wonderful creature, bring even more beer! In fact, bring every ounce of booze in this house! And then, slowly, ever so slowly, I understood! What is the single most important commodity that the whole world is desperate for? Ladies and gentlemen: Energy! And what does Tanzania have an endless supply of? Petrol you say? Natural gas? Plutonium? No, no, my clueless friends! Look deeper, investigate our traditions and you will see. Good old Ungo Power. Yes! Yes! Ungo! No, not the silly version you use for sifting your grains! Just ask any half-baked Mchawi, who will explain to you about the flying version! Ask about this miraculous contraption that defies the law of gravity. Bloody Newton! He and his stupid dogma corrupted our minds, I tell you! So how will this work? Simple really! Ungos will replace all western transportation vehicles in Tanzania; so, goodbye car, motorbike, train, boat, airplane. And with a bit of ingenuity we will make Ungo driven electricity generators. Extraordinary isnt it? You could say miraculous! And it is goodbye and farewell to petrol and hello to clean and cheap energy. Implication: employers make huge savings on energy and transportation costs, they can easily raise wages without raising prices. Then, we will start exporting our Ungo flyers and Ungo generators, and make a bundle on it. Sorry and goodbye Toyota, Mercedes, Ford, Renault, Airbus and Boeing; goodbye BP, Total and Exxon; goodbye donors, World Bank and IMF; and goodbye all you filthy capitalists, you polluters of the world, corruptors of the mind. All this export potential my friends! Thank God! Millions and millions of jobs will be created. I tell you, in a few short years (in less than 3 years to be exact, since by then our golden boys will be up for re-election), our staple food will be beluga caviar washed down with premium champagne (note to our glorious leaders: please start building 12 feet walls around the countrys borders and review our immigration policy because very soon we will be swamped by economic refugees from all over the world). I can hear you argue: Why not introduce this wonderful technology before raising wages? Doubting fools! Its imminent, I tell you! And anyway, until this solution is implemented our dear friends Castro, Kim and Mugabe will help us. And our friend Chavez will send us petrol, for free! You think this is the end? No, my friends, not at all! You do not pay attention. Our glorious leaders made it very clear, they will not allow for unfair profiteering, so all wages and prices will be set by the government. They will guide us, as to what to produce, how much, at what cost and when. We are finally heading back to our good old roots: Ujamaa. Yes, we will have our African Socialist Paradise. After all, when we become rich, we do not want to become filthy capitalists ourselves. And what will fuel our paradise? Our own, good old, Tanzanian, traditional magic! Yes my friends, its time for JUJU power! And the possibilities are endless. Our Mchawis have the answers to all the ills and challenges of humanity. Energy and transportation: Ungo will take care of that! A cure for HIV and cancer: no problem! Make rain over arid areas: easy! With Tanzanian traditional Juju, everything is possible, I tell you! And, our glorious leaders will merge these two principles into a single coherent philosophy that will spread around the world like wildfire: JUJAMA. Yes my friends; forget capitalism and communism, its JUJAMA time! A society where everyone can have whatever they wish for, thanks to JUJU power; and our wise leaders will guide us in our desires and keep us from excesses. You know, it is no wonder, that our golden boy in chief does not understand why Tanzanians are poor. Of course not, he is enlightened and wise, and understands Jujama. Now, it is for the rest of us to catch up and embrace this miracle. So my advice to you: Quickly, urgently, rid your minds of western corruption. Quickly, urgently, re-learn your Ujamaa. Quickly, urgently rediscover your roots and juju traditions. There is not a moment to waste; the gates to earthly paradise are open, just embrace Jujama and walk in. I remember your incomprehension, when golden boy in chief announced that education and qualification are not important to be a member of his cabinet and lead this country to great heights. Well, now you understand: a thorough understanding of Ujamaa and deep insights into Tanzanian Juju are the key. Yes dada, what do you want? Sorry, I have to leave you now. My wonderful house-maid says she wants to discuss her raise. So, I am off to explain to her the principles of Jujama and tell her that she can have her raise as soon as my brand new flying Ungo is delivered. I would like a coupe, cabriolet, sports version, accelerating from 0 to 100 km/h in less than 4 seconds, with 8 airbags, surround sound, CD charger and leather/mahogany trimming. I hope our glorious leaders, our wonderful guides, do not think this is an excess. And, while waiting for my sporty Ungo, I will work on eliminating armed conflict around the world, through Maji-Maji. Yes! Yes! Our wonderful juju that turns bullets into water! In fact, I am calling the Pentagon right now. I am sure I can sort out this bloody mess in Iraq within a week, then another week for Afghanistan, 3 days to sort out Darfour and another 48 hours to clear this nonsense in Burma. Your miraculously saved and enlightened friend. X.X. P.S. Having disclosed to you my alcohol intakes when uncovering this philosophy, I fear you will think the above is the rambling of a drunkard. Not so, my friends, not so! I realize now, I had to drown the slightest shred of rational thought instilled into me by corrupt western education; before I could open my mind up to the wonderfully, graciously instinctive miracle of Jujama. So, when you meet one of our glorious leaders getting drunk (and caressing his favorite barmaid) in some shoddy container bar, appreciate that he is not getting thoroughly wasted. No! He is frying his brain and paving the way for further, deeper understanding of Jujama. LONG LIVE JUJAMA! MAY THE GREAT JUJU PROTECT OUR GLORIOUS LEADERS; MOST ESPECIALLY, OUR GOLDEN BOY IN CHIEF AND HIS PRIME MCHAWI!