Sharing The Household Responsibilities

Yona F. Maro

Nov 2, 2006
How to determine who does what!
by Jennifer Good

Equilibrium in household duties is crucial in a romantic partnership. If one partner starts to feel the scales are unbalanced, it can show up negatively in other areas of the relationship. A marriage is a partnership, and a good partnership is about working together to achieve common goals. One common goal to every married couple is maintaining their responsibilities. In the past this was easily defined. Today's married life is much different from that of decades past. Within most households you'll find that not only are both people expected to work, but they both also need to help keep up with daily household responsibilities and child raising. Handling these responsibilities have unfortunately become the starting point for many disagreements for couples. It is in the best interest of both partners in the relationship to settle how the responsibilities will be shared. Approach the topic of sharing the responsibilities with these creative tips.

To start, you'll need to list every responsibility that needs to be handled. Your list should include everything from cleaning the toilets to taking your children to soccer practice. Be sure to include activities like helping your kids with homework or special school projects, family outings and date nights. Next to each item place how long each responsibility should take. Make it a point to over-estimate these times.

When you've compiled your list, sit down with your partner and go over which things each of you would like to be responsible for. Mark your names next to each responsibility. In our home, I make a weekly print out of the chores, and my husband and I go over it each week. By doing this every week we aren't stuck doing the same thing every week, and we can make allowances for when one of us unexpected responsibilities outside of the home.

If you have children, I would highly recommend making them a part of this process as well. Let them choose the things they would like to contribute to as well. Not only will this give you a few less things to do, but it will also increase your child's overall feelings of self-worth.

Another point to consider is when it's better to call for outside help. In some situations it may be better trade off to pay for a housekeeper, a gardener or even a nanny/babysitter to help out. The time you save can often be well worth the money you spend.

In every situation it is important not to criticize your partner for the way they do things. Each person comes from different traditions and backgrounds. The way you do things isn't the only way. If you criticize your partner you eventually make it so your partner will give up before even trying because they know they won't please you. Instead, make sure to highlight the things they do that you like. If you have to ask that they go about things a different way, approach them as you would a close friend.

Not everyone is going to get to every single thing that needs to be done. All that truly matters is that you are in communication with each other about the things you are doing. If you can't do something, let your partner know that, and the reasons for it before it was supposed to be done. Most squabbles over household duties are really about not being appreciated and feeling things are off-balance. If you can make the effort before something becomes a problem you will find a much happier home life
Shy; i dont think laying or making a list of chores/responsibilities is proper ... sounds like a boarding school or a military camp to me .... my version is that in a loving home everything should be done out of love ... and considering this as a driving force, one doesnt have to be limited to something or be blamed for a responsibility not done ... because each feels and accepts the others burden wholeheartedly.

In situations of making out lists of responsibilities the biggest disadvantage is that when one underdelivers ... definately this will be the beggining of chaos in the house
Great artcle in todays time where both husband and wife work outside it is necessary that they should also work in home together as a team otherwise if one partner does all the work than within a short period the marriage may start rocking and within short time can collapse.

Mimi naamini in a home where the partners respect and love each other, nobody should have to be told that there is something that needs to be addressed.

If all are responsible then when one sees something that needs to be done they do it. Hii issue ya kuandikiana ndo inaleta "... si zamu yangu" na pengine mwenzako hajapata/hana nafasi, wala si kusudi.

Halafu [kwa wengine kama sisi ambao desturi kidogo zinatofautiana uzungu] kuna vikazi ambavyo, kwa mfano mke wangu singependa afanye hata kidogo, hebu fikiri eti majirani wanapita wanamuona mkeo, nyundo mkononi, msumari mmoja mdomoni mwingine anapigilia bati nyumba ya kuku.
Ama kwa wale wako matown, mkeo yuko chini ya gari anabadilisha Oil Halafu wewe wadai ni zamu yake. hata majirani watakushangaa. and vise versa.

Nadhani huu utaalamu wa siku hizi umeondoa hata common sense ndo maana utapata ukinunua kikombe cha kahawa "to go", kikombe kina tahadhari eti moto, tangu lini iliuzwa baridi. Ungeuziwa baridi kosa, Tahadhari haipo wataka lipwa eti hukuambiwa.

Dunia hivi sasa kumekua na uzoefu wa binadamu kufanyiza kama ni mtoto, hujaambiwa hufanyi, kama halijaandikwa basi halijulikani. Jamani saa zingine nashindwa utu uzima ulienda wapi.

If you raise children in a home where they observe that responsibility is not born out of directives but rather out of obligations. Then you will find yourself doing very little shouting and a lot of congratulating.
Kuandika listi labda ni muhimu kwa watu amabo hawakulelewa katika mazingira ya kifamilia.
otherwise wote tunajua asubuhi huwa breakfast inatayarishwa, usafi wa nyumba hufanywa, kama kuna watoto hushughulikiwa manunuzi hufanywa nakadhalika.
Sasa wewe mtu mzima huna mfanyakazi, unatak tu uone breakfast imejitokeza, hapohapo nguo zako ziko tayari kwa kuvaa wakati mara ya mwisho kuzitupa sehemu zilikuwa hazivaliki lazima ni upungufu wa akili, na ilikuwa hutakiwi kufanya maamuzi ya kuoa (kwani ni shughuli ya watu wazima)
Cha muhimu ni wewe kuwa available, na kujishughulisha.
Wanasema, hakun amuda muda mzuri wa kupata faragha na mkeo unaopita wakati wa kuosha vyombo jioni baada ya chakula, watoto wamelala manakaa peke yenu jikoni mnaongea kwa kirefu kabla (hiyo ndio the best foreplay) ya kuhamia chumbani.
mimi nakumbuka mama yangu alikuwa habanduki wakatu baba anatengeneza gari, baba ndio fundi mama alikuwa msaidizi, mpaka leo anazijua spana zote.
na baba anajua mapishi yote maarufu ya mama. Sio kwamba alikuwa anapika mara zote, ila alikuwa karibu analeta nyanya, anaonja chumvi, anasaidia kukoroga na kadhalika.
Haika Mfano Ningekuwa Mume Wako Ungekubali Kufanya Yote Hayo Kama Mama Yako Alivyokuwa Akionyesha Kwa Baba Yako ? Au Kwa Sababu Muda Umepita Sasa Watu Wanafikira Namawazo Mapya ?
Greater numbers of men are getting involved as parents - and wanting to. Men help with chores and child care. In dual-income families, men are doing 45 percent of the chores, though that percentage does not necessarily increase once a child comes along. A 1991 study by researcher Marjorie Starrels found that the first child adds 91 percent to a woman's domestic workload - and hardly any to the father's. However, one in four men now do most of the grocery shopping.
Men and women also tend to stick to gender-typed chores. He replaces the light bulbs. She does the laundry. He takes out the garbage. She cooks dinner. He takes his son to baseball games. She soothes the scrapes on the child's knee.

One reason for the persistence of inequities at home may be women themselves. Even in relationships in which the couple aims to share the burdens, many women keep their partners from traditional tasks and child-care responsibilities, or set impossible standards. He doesn't load the dishwasher correctly. When he cooks he doesn't clean up as he goes along; he leaves the dishes for later.

This isn't just a man talking. In 1993, psychologists at Boston University followed 100 parents for five years. Often, women sabotaged any possibility for true equality. They saw themselves better at certain tasks, and more natural nurturers.

More recently, researcher Alan Hawkins at Brigham Young University in Utah put a number on it: 21 percent of working mothers are such "gatekeepers." Concludes Hawkins: "There are issues of ownership and identity that women bring with them, even New Age women who are involved in a career and have husbands who are trying to be involved. The same woman who complains about her husband sometimes gatekeeps."

While men are helping with chores and children more than ever, research also shows that women are still doing most of the work, putting in most of the time - and sometimes preventing their partners from increasing their role.

At the same time, men can feel neglected. They may clamor for attention until it seems, in the words of Harvard psychologist Alice Domar, as if "he becomes just one more kid you've got to take care of."

To achieve a more balanced life, what's a woman to do?

Talk it over with him. Talk it over with yourself. Negotiate. Lower your standards. Be direct. Give up a little. Get a little.

Here are some suggestions from the top experts:

Accept less. Maybe you're both doing too much. Perhaps not every endeavor needs doing. Have a discussion. What corners can be cut? What obligations can be deferred?
Accept poorer workmanship. So what if the dishes aren't stacked perfectly, or put away after every meal, or the ponytail is crooked? Does it matter if the dinner is not so elaborate, or the kitchen isn't Mr. Clean-sterile? If he's willing to do the task you've been doing, and do it at least adequately - that's one less burden for you!
Resign as CEO. Stop controlling and withhold criticism, suggests Ursinus College psychologist Catherine Chambliss. "The error a lot of women make is they want the husband to help with house and children but don't want to give up the managerial role or critiquing the spouse. That doesn't work as well as delegating and praising." And letting him learn from his own mistakes!
Discuss and negotiate. Brainstorm about what you can do as a team. Researcher Alan Hawkins of Brigham Young University advises that you draft a list of the tasks each of you do now and go down the list together discussing possible changes. Make sure he gets a chance at new tasks, not just what he already does best. Rotate who does the jobs you both hate. Try to lessen the load - not everything needs to be done. And don't forget: The children can help, too.
Be direct - or … train him to listen! The biggest obstacle in many relationships, according to Deborah Tannen, Georgetown University linguistics professor and author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, is a matter of perception. A woman's expectation is that a loving partner perceives needs without a direct request. But it's only true if he gets it! Be direct - or train him to read you.

Be clear about priorities. Discuss with your partner what you want out of life - and what he does, too. Then work together to be strategic and efficient about how to achieve the goals. Chambliss gives the example of the soccer mom who bemoans spending so much time at games. "If the goal is the Olympics or a scholarship, that's one thing," she says. "But if it's exercise, maybe it's unnecessary and the family can cut some corners." Similarly, she urges parents to think twice before buying huge houses and dogs. "Simplify the household if other things are more important," she says.
Explain how you feel. Avoid high drama or bickering, but tell him how the burdens are affecting you. How you feel worn down. Tell him how if he helps you'll have more time for him - and thus a stronger relationship.
Persuade - and bring up sex. What do husbands most miss and sacrificing mothers most frequently give up? Sex. Social psychologist Carin Rubenstein suggests telling him about studies showing that husbands who share the household load are happier - for obvious reasons. There's more time for other things!
Consider alternatives. In a national survey by the AFL-CIO, half of mothers with a partner say they've opted for working different shifts from their significant others - mirroring research by University of Maryland demographer Harriet Presser. Working odd shifts has advantages - more focused time on the children, and avoiding daycare - but split-shift parents also are exhausted. The point: Other options exist.
Get regular free time. Build in a block of time just for yourself - and for your partner - which neither of you has to account for. Whether a few days a month or an hour a week, this can go a long way to assure you of having some time for you!

Haika Mfano Ningekuwa Mume Wako Ungekubali Kufanya Yote Hayo Kama Mama Yako Alivyokuwa Akionyesha Kwa Baba Yako ? Au Kwa Sababu Muda Umepita Sasa Watu Wanafikira Namawazo Mapya ?

haswa, naongeza na vya ziada.
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