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OFFICE MEMORANDUM:Updated Office Policies (soma ucheke)

Discussion in 'Jokes/Utani + Udaku/Gossips' started by Ng'wanza Madaso, Apr 12, 2010.

  1. Ng'wanza Madaso

    Ng'wanza Madaso JF-Expert Member

    Apr 12, 2010
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    TO: All Personnel
    FROM: Management
    RE: Updated Office Policies

    Dress Code:
    ....You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
    ....If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag,
    we will assume you are doing well financially and, therefore,
    do not need a raise.

    ....If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better
    so that you may buy nicer clothes; and, therefore,
    you do not need a raise.
    ....If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be; and,
    therefore, you do not need a raise.

    Sick Days:
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
    If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Personal Days:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
    They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

    Bereavement Leave:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
    friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made
    to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements.

    In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funer
    al should be

    scheduled in the late afternoon.
    We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
    and subsequently leave one hour early.

    Bathroom Breaks:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
    strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
    At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
    the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open,
    and a picture will be taken.

    After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
    bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
    Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned
    under the company's mental health policy.

    Lunch Break:
    ....Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,
    so that they can look healthy.
    ....Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
    to maintain their average figure.
    ....Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
    needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
    positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
    concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
    insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
    consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

    The Management
  2. The Son of Man

    The Son of Man JF-Expert Member

    Apr 12, 2010
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    Haya mkubwa, kiasi chake umetoka!
  3. Mahesabu

    Mahesabu JF-Expert Member

    Apr 12, 2010
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    Sounds good but......!
  4. LINC

    LINC Member

    May 12, 2010
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    Kama ndio hivyo basi heri nirudi kijijini kulima tangawizi
  5. Noname

    Noname JF-Expert Member

    May 12, 2010
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    Well thought.... mmhhh
  6. FirstLady1

    FirstLady1 JF-Expert Member

    May 12, 2010
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    hahahaha hii itakuwa kasheshe