- Feb 3, 2009
To the men who are reading this article: There are a lot of women who are very unhappy with you. Really. I know, because as a dating coach, I hear women tell me all the time in the most exasperated tone: How come I never meet a nice, normal guy? Why do I only get approached by creeps? Youve probably heard women say this yourself. So how would you respond to them?
Im guessing its something like: Nice guys are afraid of rejection, dont want to bother you when youre out, and are generally more concerned with the consequences of being embarrassed than with actually meeting you. It may be true, but, as truth goes, its a pretty sad state of affairs. Whats easy to forget is that most women want to be approached by you. By not approaching them, youre letting them down and allowing the creeps to take their shot. Follow these lessons and the next time youre out, maybe youll prove that nice guys dont finish last.
Lesson #1: Assume the answer is yes
Have you ever been sold a product before? Hair tonic, a car, bathroom tile? I can guarantee you that the salesperson didnt pitch you by saying, Um, excuse me I hate to bother you would you be interested in I mean, probably not, but No! Any salesman worth his commission is not just selling confidence in his product, but confidence in himself. Confidence says Im bright, Im likeable, women have liked me in the past, Im comfortable in my own skin, says Victor, 38, a real estate broker. Since she has to make a decision on the spot, confidence through nonverbal communication makes the best impression. You can even fake it til you make it through these two very simple means: Smile and maintain eye contact. And remember: If you dont know that youre worth talking to, how would she know?
Lesson #2: Its not about you
Im out at a big Hollywood scene with beautiful people. Its getting late, towards the end of the night, and I ask my buddy Terrance which woman hes got his eye on. He points to an attractive brunette talking to a cute blonde across the courtyard. Slightly bemused, I tell him that I will make the introduction. As I stride over, I rationalize that if my approach doesnt go well, shes not really rejecting me, but rather, Terrance. I know this isnt true, but it gets me going.
I arrive while the women are in mid-conversation. I say nothing for a few seconds and when they both look at me, I chime in: You guys just keep talking. Ill interrupt when Ive got something interesting to contribute. And that was it. It wasnt a line. It wasnt planned. It just happened. After three minutes, Terrance came over, I made the introductions, and we both got phone numbers. The moral of the story? Playing my little conversational trick in all pick-up situations can be really helpful. Just ask any married friend how easy it is to talk with women when you know that there are no stakes involved. If its not about you, you cant possibly fail.
Lesson #3: Theres power in numbers
Believe it or not, three is better than one. When you approach a woman who is by herself, she knows that youre hitting on her based solely on your attraction to her. This increases the pressure in a way that doesnt always make for a comfortable situation. Thats why the safest way to meet a woman is to approach her in a crowd of her friends. Now theres no pressure, because nobody knows who youre hitting on, and you can just be the friendly guy whos chatting with everybody. If youre charming, funny or bright, says Charles, 36, she might find herself interested in you before youve expressed interest in her. This tilts things in your favor, even to the point where you might be in control. By charming her friends and getting their approval, the one you like will be that much more open when you ask her out, adds Charles.
Lesson #4: Its just that easy
If you ever doubt how simple it can be to meet a woman, this story should inspire you: I was at a party with some close friends and saw an acquaintance across the room. Late 30s, attractive, friendly, likeable. Wed met probably four times before through a mutual friend who was also at the party. When our eyes met, I smiled at her. She smiled back. Because it was a large and crowded room, I put out my index finger and beckoned her to come over to me. She sort of did a double take, smiled even more broadly and came right over.
Hi, I said, warmly.
Hi, she said, blankly. Then it hit me.
You have no idea who I am, I said.
None whatsoever, she replied.
Its Evan. Evan Katz.
Oh, yes weve met! You cut your hair. I didnt even recognize you. She gave me a hug. But I had one more important question to ask her before we continued talking.
Is it really that easy to get a woman to talk to you just by calling her over with your finger?
She took a second to consider the evidence and replied, Apparently, it is.
So there you have it. We men have more power than we even realized.
Lesson #5: The outcome doesnt matter
Maybe youre not her type. Maybe shes just out of a relationship. Maybe shes having troubles at work. Maybe shes not perceptive enough to recognize your worth. You never know why someone may not be interested in you. Truthfully, it doesnt matter. Its more diminishing to your self-esteem to let fear run your life than it is to get rejected. Heres one story below that showcases this in a big way.
So I was in the checkout line at the grocery store, and I was waiting for a woman with 400 coupons. In the meantime, I was talking to the tall, raven-haired cutie behind me. We were making jokes, laughing, passing the time. All in all, a very pleasant five minutes of my life. The coupon lady finished up. I paid for my stuff, said goodbye to my new friend and rolled my cart out the door.
The second I hit the fresh air, I was kicking myself: Dummy! Why didnt you ask for her phone number? Because I got all embarrassed what with the other people in line and the woman swiping my bar codes. Because of all the other reasons that nice guys wimp out. I decided that this would not do. I was going to wait until she came out of the supermarket and ask her out. And thats what I did.
Hey, it was a lot of fun meeting you in there, I said to her as she emerged with her bags. I was wondering if youd like to grab lunch sometime.
A big smile came across her face. You are so cute and I couldnt be more flattered, but I have a serious, live-in boyfriend. But I really want to thank you for asking. You totally made my day. After she said goodbye, I went home, walking on air, so happy that I did it, instead of wishing I did it, like so many times before. It didnt matter if she had a boyfriend or if she was lying or being polite or whatever all that mattered was that I took a big swing at the plate and even didnt hurt myself in the process.