Lets Talk About Dating & Marriage: Speed dating vs Traditional


Steve Dii

Steve Dii

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Steve Dii

Steve Dii

JF-Expert Member
Joined Jun 25, 2007
6,419 81 145


Let's talk ‘bout DATING & MARRIAGE: Speed Vs Traditional Dating -Technique & Acceptance

The world is changing at alarming pace, economically, climatically and socially to name but few. Tanzania and Africa as a whole are part if not victims of this synonymous movement, globalisation. Like it or not we've to get engaged. But question arises, where, on what and how?... Good questions, since globalisation is rather a holistic theory terminology; therefore I'll regress.

I want us to discuss the concepts in dating and marriage. As intrinsic things, dating and marriage are entwined in our cultural fabrics, i.e. one usually has to follow techniques and principles best known to his or her culture. For instance, if I happened to be Mkinga, traditionally I'll have to undergo through customs best known to Wakinga in order to date someone and thereafter get married to (well, theoretically). And if you are Mshashi, similarly, you have to follow your close traditions. And the case I believe is the same for many other communities.

The question of love is too personal to many, yet a mundane societal affair and its products (positive and negative alike) have enormous impact to the community around.
Since we agree this is part of our lives, then talking about it is also ideal and luckily we have JF to provide us with the right platform.

It is interesting to see or try to understand the perceptions of people on issues related to dating and marriage. Because of many changes around us, communities seem confused telling what is wrong or what is right in these matters. They are confused as to what to do when family values become the subject of encroaching metropolitan-urbanised cultures, of which, to many are subjects of perverted culture. The infusion of technology in our surroundings is kick-starting the ‘new versus old' debates. Inescapably, dating and marriage as a component of society is a great victim of new cultures.

Now, we can't let it go unnoticed; let's talk about it. Those lucky enough to live in westernized countries are well aware of dating agencies, both multicultural and those catering for specific segments of the community. As an icebreaker question, what do you think of them?....It is at this juncture my first argument about globalisation thence evoked. Are we going to shun away those embracing these new modalities in mating or are we going to accept them as part of us and facilitate their course?

Personally, I fundamentally believe that, speed dating, as long as is done purposely for meeting someone that you can end up getting married to is acceptable and a way forward, be it online at JF, Michuzi blog or some dating agency office in downtown Dar or indeed her suburbs. The reason being, under the current circumstances even in the traditional way (whatever that may be), things to do with dating and marriage are neither guaranteed.

I believe so due to changes in our life patterns. We are hardly meeting one another, and if chances to meet in person become available, time becomes a hindrance due to many commitments that we seem to have instantly acquired. Not only that, but our interests and hobbies are also varying dramatically because of the dynamic environment. To know a person the traditional way is becoming a monstrous task. These coupled with technological advancement, speed dating, especially online could be the norm, well, soon or later that is. Having said that, one thing I'm certainly sure of - ‘people hate change' myself included, but through discussion I believe things are more bearable.

JF Disclaimer: I'm not a speed dating agent nor a marriage counsellor, msije niporomoshea maswali na maombi nisiyoweza kuyakimu wala kuyamudu ;) . These are just my personal views; there is no empirical study to it………. I however welcome all your views. Thank you.

SteveD.


 
Mtoto wa Mkulima

Mtoto wa Mkulima

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Mtoto wa Mkulima

Mtoto wa Mkulima

JF-Expert Member
Joined Apr 12, 2007
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Wakubwa sasa kazi kwenu hapo kama mnaogopa mademu ushauri wa bure huu hapa.
Partnership advice#1
Smile

Smile. Women are smile-addicts. A few well-placed smiles, a happy attitude, some (non-erotic!) jokes here and there and you can win a woman's heart faster than a handsome tall guy, who is grumpy.
One reason why women react so positively to smiling and humor is probably that it shows that the man is not dangerous. It could very well be that many women want strong men, but, at the same time, are afraid of them. Smiling and being friendly compensates this fear.

Another reason could be that smiling shows you are healthy. OK, this is not 100% true, but usually ill persons don't smile, do they?

In this sense: Look like enjoying yourself whatever you do!

Relationship recommendation#2

No hunchback

Stand straight and sit up. It shows that you are strong, well trained and not ill. And it will make you taller.
Do you have a dating advice? Any comment? Write us!

Love advice#3

Shaved Face

Many women love shaved faces. I wouldn't say that ALL women love shaved men (especially if you live in a country where a beard/moustache is common) but it's safer to be shaved than unshaved.
Moreover many women have bisexual tendencies (or at least consider other female faces as beautiful), thus a soft face may be considered as "pretty".

Dating recommendation#4

Deep Voice

Use a deep voice. If your voice cracks sometimes (= uses high tones) then you need to train to keep it low. A high tone or cracking voice sounds immature and adolescent.
Do you have a dating advice? Any comment? Write us!

Dating recommendation#5

Don't sweat, don't smell

Use deodorants. Under normal circumstances most women hate sweat odor. Hate it.

I am not even talking about using perfumes. Perfumes can be used ADDITIONALLY. I am talking about non-smelling, which is more important than good-smelling.
And *cough* pick-up lines as "I am stinking. Please wash me!" are wrong.

Marginal note: You cannot worsen things by non-smelling, you can however worsen things by perfumes (if you use the same/similar perfume her former boy-friend used). Please also read Different aftershaves.

Relationship advice#6

Taboo subjects

The reason of talking to a girl is to establish a relaxed atmosphere and to be friendly. Thus don't get involved into highly arguable subjects such as "Why death penalties for minors should be allowed" or "Why Greenpeace is doing more harm than good" or "Christmas has been invented by Satan, the Lord of hells" or something of that sort. Keep the affinity high and avoid "field mines".

Moreover the No Sex Talks rule applies and that's why you shouldn't even mention words like "feminism" or "herpes" or "Islam" or "hemorrhoids". Talking about "Why feminism is causing cellulite" OR "It's a pity that there is no cure against hemorrhoids" OR the pick up line "Want some free breast cancer inspection?" is plain WRONG.

Dating advice#7

Show tolerance, be easy

You should show a tolerant and open-minded attitude towards many subjects. Imagine the following sentences:
A: "All bugga-huggawoks always make trouble. I hate them"
B: "Bugga-huggawoks are often difficult. Some of them are OK though".

Now, whatever bugga-huggawoks are, sentence B seems to be more reasonable. If you start sentences like A and insist that there are no exceptions and get angry then

you involve yourself in an uneasy talk
you show intolerant temper
you show extreme attitudes ("all", "always","hate")
you show that you have less knowledge than someone who says sentence B (because he knows good bugga-huggawoks and you don't)
you show that you have little experience, since there are always exceptions, but you never encountered them
since you have little experience you are a prejudiced hater ("I hate them")
you don't admit that you are wrong most probably
you show sarcasm and negativity and that tells that you are probably on the losing side of life (see Don't symbolize a loser)
ANYTHING that can cause YOU a bad mood or HER a bad mood should be avoided (unless you are self-confident enough to make her smile again). Please also read Smile and Don't be a Crybaby.

Maybe the only exception (where you actually CAN say that you hate something) are "spiders". Women usually hate spiders/bugs/midges/... too. But don't forget to add "I usually kill them whenever I see them" to become her hero

Moreover, don't start fights. Fights are something you do not want to have in a human-human relationship. Fights have winners and losers. But you shouldn't want to make your partner lose. Nor your partner you. Do some "peaceful negotiating" where everybody wins instead.

Partnership advice#8


Say her Name

Get her first name. Say: "Hello, I am John" and then she will most probably tell you her name out of politeness. Use her name thruout the talks with her. This alone creates a more intimate atmosphere.

Partnership tip#9

Wear a fluffy pullover

If it's cold outside then wear the most fluffy pullover you can find. Many women will get the desire to hug and snuggle this pullover. It will create a friendly hug-atmosphere.
Do you have a dating advice? Any comment? Write us!

Love advice#10

Different Aftershaves
If you are dating a woman on several days then use a different aftershave/perfume each time. Ask her how she likes it and then use the one she gave the most positive response to.
You may also use more expensive perfumes to not smell like anybody else. If a woman knows a little bit about how other men smell she will notice the difference.

Partnership rule#11

Don't be drunk

For women who want to make the first step and are incredibly shy a drunk man may be welcome. But for most women a drunk man is a no-go. The alcohol stench and the slavering is usually UNWANTED. Moreover you may also get a bad fame.


Partnership recommendation#12

Dress nicely

Wear good clothes, e.g. a good shirt and a tie. Probably you should ask some girls what clothes they like a man to wear or you should go clothes-shopping with a female relative or a female co-worker.

Important note: A lot of women pay a lot attention to SHOES.
Don't wear those clothes at all costs even when they are inappropriate or don't suit you. Example: Don't wear a tie and your new shoes while swimming. OK, this is an exaggeration, but imagine yourself going bowling and you wear beautiful but uncomfortable clothes that make you sweat? Or going to the movies with a Hawaiian T-shirt.

On the other hand (since you are looking for a girl-friend anywhere) dress well whenever and wherever you go. You go shopping? Shave and dress well! You go to an exhibition? Shave and dress well. You go to a football match? Shave and dress well!

Another important thought: Woman are usually very "clothes-aware". In fact they communicate thru clothes and thru make-up (they wear shorter skirts and redder lipstick to show they are datable). Thus by wearing good clothes YOU establish immediately a communication line, too.

Partnership recommendation#13

Stay fit

Be fit. Do some sport.
If you are fit it will make you look better
If you are fit it will increase your self-esteem
If you are fit it will help you in the bedroom department
Now what can happen if you are not looking fit and healthy? Two major things:

Others may think you are ill and this will cause a repulsive reaction
You yourself may think you are ill and thus you may walk around with the "hidden wish" that "others should stay away"
In this sense: Do some walks, take some vitamins and lose some pounds.

Love advice#14

Future Father

The difference in thinking of a man and a woman can produce great misunderstandings but can help you to date more women.
Imagine the following situation: You sit alone at the bar. A woman comes along and wants to stand you a beer and go home with her. You would go most probably. Most men would.

Now consider the opposite: You are a man and you go around and ask other women directly to stand them a beer and come home with you. Most probably they won't go with you! The reason is a difference in thinking. For you as a man an offer must make "logical sense" or "sexual sense". For a woman it must make "emotional sense" and "friendship sense".

That means every approach to a woman should have the ingredient of "Look, lady, I could be the father of your children. I am well-dressed, discreet, humorous and understanding".

Would you (as a man) ever refuse a sex offer from a woman just because a) she is not well-dressed b) she is not humorous c) she often talks about sex d) she is not understanding? Most probably you wouldn't. You see? A total differing perception system "Woman vs. Man".

Even if she wants a one-night-stand only you should approach her as the "future father of her children". I am not talking about cheesy pick up lines as "Wanna be pregnant by Christmas?". I am talking about the "approaching attitude".

Love rule#15

Serious Boy-friend

Another theme related to the Future father is that of the Serious boy-friend. Although a woman wants probably merely a short affair it doesn't mean that you should not take her seriously. I don't mean to pounce on her with statements like "We will stay together forever". I am talking about a "serious attitude". I am talking about "not treating her as a day fly". Treat her politely, don't take her for granted. Treat her as a potential partner for a longer lasting relationship.

You can corroborate your serious intentions by mentioning future plans: Plan to go out next Friday to X, and next week to Y and next month to Z.

This also applies to the time AFTER you have established a relationship (or after sex). Reassure her, that you still like her. If you go, then tell her where to and when you will meet again. Make her breakfast and read Little Things for big Love.

Partnership tip#16

Don't be a shock for parents
The Future Father rule also explains why you have to dress nicely: The girl has to be sure that she can introduce you to her parents (or to close friends) without making a fool out of herself. OK, this is not a strict motif but why shouldn't you dress well anyway?
Please also read: Be presentable.

Relationship advice#17

Don't shout, don't interrupt

If you watch TV talks closely you will notice that women are nearly always interrupted by men but not vice versa. Try to be different in that regard. Do not shout, do not interrupt a woman.
Do you have a dating advice? Any comment? Write us!

Partnership rule#18

Don't be a Crybaby

If you give vent to your feelings this can tell the woman that you are weak and she needs to be your talk friend. But to date her you need to show the direct opposite: That YOU are HER strong shoulder; that you are self-confident; that you know what to do; and that SHE can rely on YOUR emotional strength to be a help for HER.
Thus starting to talk about "your past mistakes", about "your problems", about "why girls have left you" is the wrong thing to do.

Dating tip#19

Let women talk and help

Women love to talk (just think of how long they talk on the telephone). Women like to help (just think of a typical "female" job: nurse, kindergarten teacher, geriatric nurse...). Combine those attributes and you got a talk up and running by asking the woman: "Could I ask you for help? Could you tell me why/what/how/...". Ask her any question you like as long as the question is non-answerable by a simple "Yes" or "No".

Believe it or not, but maybe you have failed in your last dating attempt because you maneuvered yourself into dead-end answers. If you ask a girl "Have you been long here?" then practically anything she can answer is a dead end. She could answer "No, not long" or "A couple of minutes" but both answers do not lead into a nice conversational flow.

Many men (since men are practical-minded) want a "clear and simple" answer. For dating purposes that kind of "questioning strategy" is absolutely wrong.
Train by simply re-phrasing some of your question. Wrong: "Do you like this place?", right: "What do you think about this place?". You get the idea. In other words: Let her TALK. (This is just a simple example and I am not telling you to ask women that question).
Or ask her something like: "What do you think is the most common flaw men have?" or "I am writing for dating-forum.com. Could you help me by telling me what feature your ideal man should have?". Let her talk for hours.

Typical "open questions" start with

Why....?
How....?
What....?
Where/When.....?
You get the idea.

Relationship advice#20

Be a Friend

There is an important side note to Let women talk and help: Women need good friends. Start to be her understanding friend and she will be grateful and rewarding. She may even introduce you to her other girl-friends. This Be a friend rule is also a side rule of Future father and Serious boyfriend.

Partnership tip#21

Trust barrier

Women have the fear to "open up" too much. To "invest too much emotions". To be "hurt too easily". That is a barrier you must overcome by making her TRUST you.
Imagine a world where women had more muscles than men and were taller and were known to be more aggressive. Now additionally add the need to have a real friend and the urge to share emotions. I bet in such a world men would build these "trust barriers", too.

Partnership tip#22

Don't touch a Woman

Don't touch. Being touched without having agreed to be touched IS a real turn-off for women. You can spoil everything.

However you can touch her by accident after a certain relaxed atmosphere has been established: While reaching to something, while sitting down...
Moreover you can use "excuses" to touch her, e.g. when slow dancing. Read also Learn how to palm read.

Touching shows her that you are a man. A possible boy-friend. And not one of those too-friendly-nice-guys. Moreover a touch cuts directly thru her social barriers (= bypasses her defense system) and thus is a form of heavy non-verbal communication.

Partnership recommendation#23

Touch softly

If you touch her, then very softly. Hug, snuggle, cuddle. Women love soft touches. So once you managed to be more intimate with her (dancing, holding hands) don't spoil that by being "too blatantly sexual".
You can hold her hands and let her feel that she is admired.

Relationship rule#24


Magnetic Mystery Man

Many women don't simply date YOU. They date a mysterious man who actually happens to walk by with your body. Thus clouding yourself in a mystery can help. If you walk in and the girl thinks "Wait a minute, who is this man??" then you have already hit the first target. "Aroused by curiosity" so to speak.
You could tell things from your life, but without giving the full background just to "mysteriousify" yourself . You could say, "I saved many lives of stray cats... these poor little creatures." (only if it's true, of course) but not telling WHY. She wouldn't know whether you are a veterinarian or a fireman or whatever. Woman LIKE to be in a wonderworld with their fantasies going (= too much information spoils fantasies).

Partnership rule#25

Fascinating non-answers

As a continuation of the Magnetic Mystery Man rule you can fascinate a girl by making incomplete sentences: "Hey, you know whom you remind me of? By the way I am John. Do you like this place here?"


Relationship rule#26

Learn how to palm read

This is a highly interesting technique because is combines several tips on this site: Learn how to read the future from her palm:
You can hold her hand while reading.
Reading palms is always good for fun, smiles and a relaxed atmosphere. Women love that.
You can get sexual without actually being sexual ("You will have three children and many love affairs"). You just tell the "facts" as an "independent" third party. It will put her in a sexual mood anyway.
You get her fantasies going
You make her interested (everybody wants to know the future)
You make her feel interesting (since you even want to "read her life's destiny")
You do her a favor (since palm reading usually costs something)
You show that you are something special (not many people can read palms)
You show her that you are empathic and spiritual and non-materialistic (not many boys are esoteric-minded)
You learn a lot of things about her (since she will be telling you "Yes, this is true" or "No, I don't think so")
You show her that she can be your friend (since she already tells you her secrets)
You are surrounded by a mystery ("Hey, does this boy really know everything about me? Who is he anyway?")
Nearly automatically she will propose (after you have finished to read her palm) to read the palms of her girl-friends.
It takes only a palm reader book and a one or two days of reading.

One of the best methods ever.

Dating advice#27

Have that something special
Would you (as a man) EVER wear those fancy fashion clothes women wear? Would you ever color your eyelids green? Would you ever walk around in tight high heels?
No!
You see, this is another example of different thinking between a woman and a man: Women love that "special something". Woman love to look attractive.
This gives you advantages if you
wear a hat, neckerchief, necklace....
wear new designer clothes. Even if a women is not a style-addict your new clothes will make an impression
wear a, say, teddy bear with you. As stupid as it may sound, but you will get attention and women will probably ask you questions. You can start a talk by saying that you repair the teddy bear, or what the bear's name is etc
Having something "quirky" shows that you are self-confident. Self-confidence is another thing women love. Please read Be successful and self-confident.

In fact some women are so fixated to wear something special themselves that they begin to HATE the other girl on a formal party who by accident wears the same dress.

Relationship rule#28

What your Outfit symbolizes to a Woman

Combine Shaved face + Dress nicely + No hunchback and the woman sees in you
a man who is self-confident
a man who takes care of himself
a man who looks good (shaved, clean, non-smelling)
These are features women LOVE to see in a man. Even if they themselves run around shabby you WILL make an impression.

In other words: These are things you could apply immediately (today!) without much hassle or money.

Love rule#29

Don't be too polite

Times changed. Opening every door for a woman is inappropriate. It can make them think that you treat them as helpless little girls.
Moreover be careful: If you meet a woman who expects you to behave with these outdated "good manners" she can be fond of exploitation: You do everything for her, you pay everything for her and everything she does for you is soooo valuable.


Relationship recommendation#30

Know who you are

If a woman asks questions who you are and what you do and what you want to achieve in life, then you should know what to answer. If you begin to stutter, flush red and say "Well, I have no clue, I am too helpless for this world" then this is NOT what they want to hear.
By mentioning your hobbies, your job, sport interests you describe yourself as someone with a stable background whom she can classify and trust. And trust is important to give you her telephone number.

Please also read Use Business Cards.

Dating recommendation#31

Use Business cards

You should have business cards with your contact information. Try fancy cards or simple cards, but at least you can give her something to remember you. Maybe you can use a business card with your face on it.

Dating recommendation#32

Little Things for big Love

After you established a relationship and after you decided to continue it show the woman that you love and appreciate her. You can do this by little things as buying flowers from time to time.

Love tip#33

Don't stare, don't stalk

If you see a woman you want to make the first contact with then don't stare and don't follow her around corners. Eye contact is very good and important as long as you don't behave as a pervert staring at her body only. Don't scare the girls off by being a creepy guy watching them from behind a corner!
Oh, and by the way: Telling a girl on a first date "I love you" or "You are my dream girl" is so ridiculous that you can easily be interpreted as potential prospective stalker.

Partnership advice#34

Close your zipper

If you see that your shirt is lurking out of your trousers then correct it. Even in front of a woman. Women do this the whole time. Even checking in a hand mirror whether they need to re-make-up. So don't stand there with an open zip and hope she won't recognize it.
Do you have a dating advice? Any comment? Write us!


Relationship recommendation#35
Dance

Women thruout all countries and ethnical groups LOVE men who can dance. If there are some steady rules of attraction on planet Earth then it is "happy attitude" and "dancing".
Have you recognized how even "stupid" boy-groups make young girls crazy? Or Michael Jackson? Did you ever see such an effect on males with girl-groups or Janet Jackson?

If you can dance and women see what a flexible body you have then you are already melting them. Maybe it is a glimpse of how flexible you are during sex. But who knows?

However there's a drawback: BAD dancing can be one of the worst turn offs. So it's a dangerous game.

Partnership advice#36

Things you need to know

Each conversation with a new woman should result in
Knowing her (first) name
Knowing common ground and mutualities
Knowing her telephone number (plus know WHEN you can call her = the day time)
If you don't get her number you have lost. You can try to give her yours. But it is highly unreliable that she will call you back.
See also Use a business card.
Knowing whether she has a boy-friend (don't bring this up until the very last minute) or if she is even married.
Knowing what she dislikes (this is not that necessary, but can save you headaches)

Dating recommendation#37

Conversation suggestions

Here are some suggestions how you can keep the conversation starting/going:
Say "Hi" and smile at her (pretty simple, isn't it?)
Ask her for the time, the date, the time the bus comes etc.
Comment on her. Examples can be to make a note about clothes she wears or to compare her with a movie star. That shows that it's not the standard "Can I stand you a beer?"-talk
Compliment her. See Make compliments.
Follow up by asking her a question like: "Is there any secret behind your shiny hair?". This keeps the conversation going.
Talk about food (e.g. when you meet her in a restaurant/coffee shop). This gets the senses going and creates a "stimulated" atmosphere.
In the end, it's up to you and the kind of woman you talk to.

Partnership rule#38

Make Compliments
Woman have a deep fear that they are ugly. Just think of how women buy ANY cosmetic product on the market. Just think of all the make-up they have in their handbags. I was once in Hong Kong (China) and the owner of a fruit juice shop told me: "Men will never drink unsavory juices. They only drink sweet juices. But many women will drink them as soon as you tell them that it makes them prettier."
In fact this desire in women to look attractive is so strong that women in Afghanistan (although the Taleban introduced the death penalty for using make-up) still colored their eyes/lips secretly.

Thus:

Women love compliments. It eases the fear of being rejected because of her outlook.
Moreover: If you compliment her she feels confirmed that somebody actually noticed her outfit and comments on it rather than the notorious "Can I stand you a beer" teaser.
You can make compliments on anything you notice: Her skin, her hair, her clothes...
BUT: Don't make a great deal about it. Don't start to write poems and name flowers after her. Because the No sex talks rule and the The irresistible Resistible rule still apply: You can make a "casual" compliment (as if it just slipped into your mind) and then continue to talk about something else.


Relationship advice#39


Be successful and self-confident

"Success makes sexy" and "Sexy smell of success", they say. Women love men who know what they want. Women love men who achieve their goals. Taking risks and breaking rules CAN be a turn-on, even driving too fast. (This is one of the reasons why hard rockers date models). And men know that women want powerful men. In secretly observed female-male flirt encounters scientists found out that most men start to list their "life achievements" shortly after the first "Hello": Where they have been, what they have achieved, what cars they have etc. In other words: Production & seduction go hand in hand.
Thus you should "work and progress" in your life. It is the wrong dating strategy to look shaken up by life and "merely surviving". It is wrong to hope that a woman takes pity on you. Instead of the pick up line "Can I buy you a beer?" the pick up line "Can I buy you a car?" could work better (I didn't try it myself).

Moreover you should mention signs of bravery in your life: You organize seminars and speak in front of a lot of people? Mention it. You are a skydiver? Mention it. You are a fireman and saved a lot of women? Mention it.

This is a side rule of Dress nicely, because clothes emulate success.

Partnership advice#40


Don't symbolize a loser

This is a very important note to many tips on this site:
Being friendly can send out the wrong secret signal to a woman.

Being friendly can make a woman think that you are a loser who has been conditioned by life to knuckle under. Or that there are so many men stronger than you that you have to be subservient to merely survive. This could be the deep "genetical" reason why the "nice guys" may be considered as lie-down-dogs. Thus this rule emphasizes related rules on this site:
  • No sex talks (because you are a loser if you need sex so badly and couldn't get it nowhere else)
  • Be successful and self-confident (because you have to symbolize a winner not a loser)
  • The irresistible Resistible (because you show your strength by resisting. Moreover if she can seduce you then she triumphs over a winner)
  • Don't be a Crybaby (because crybabies are losers)
  • Be brave and fast (because slowness and shyness show that you knuckle under to a "weak" girl)
  • Dress nicely (because clothes make losers or winners)
  • Smile (because a few well placed jokes show that you are not afraid of talking)
In other words: Women seek the combination of "safe+dangerous". Dangerous for others (= you win against others) but safe for herself (this is a reason why some life sentenced criminals get proposals from female strangers).

Maybe the term "dangerous" is a bit misleading. Maybe "stable" describes it better. Stable in the sense of "He can hold his position no matter what". This combo is what women mean by "Nice guy". Please read What "nice" in "Nice guy" means and What a woman asks & what a woman wants.

Relationship advice#41


What "nice" in "Nice guy" means

There is a misconception about the term "Nice guy". Women often talk about "How much they want a nice man". However, "nice" doesn't mean "friendly". The following are the real meanings in a woman's sense:
nice = normal
You have a stable background (work, family, hobbies) and are no psycho
nice = presentable
She can show you her parents, friends
nice = desireable
Other girls want you, too = She won't be laughed at
nice = not grim
She can have fun with you and laughs and a relaxed atmosphere
nice = discreet and trustable
You won't tell anybody her sexual kinkiness
nice = helpful and friendly
You can be her friend and her "crying shoulder"

Love recommendation#42


How to survive though a nice guy?

I think I made myself clear in Don't symbolize a loser that "being nice" alone doesn't get you anywhere. It is the COMBINATION of "being safe" and "being stable/dangerous" that matters. So what should you do to be more successful with women?

Don't be too friendly. Don't make too many compliments. Act as if you don't have to, and those which you make are really meant and casual.
Tell her normal stable things from your life/work/family: What you do, some interesting adventures etc.
YOU decide where to go.
WRONG:
She: "So what shall we do?"
You: "Errrr, mmmmm, it's ladies' choice"
She: "Let's take a walk"
You: "OK" (thinking what a friendly guy you are, but the girl thinks you have no clue and are an insecure loser)

CORRECT:
You: "Let's take a walk, shall we?"
Please also read It is your Duty start the action and "No sex" Step by Step.

Dating tip#43


What a woman asks & what a woman wants
Since some women are kind of "complicated" when it comes to express their wishes in clear words (please read It is your Duty to use Words) there CAN BE A REAL DIFFERENCE in what a woman says and what she wants. Thus when you are too friendly (= make her every wish come true) while dating for the first time, it may symbolize that you simply do what she asks for and not what she needs.

There are even some jokes regarding this:
What she says What she means
"Maybe" "No!"
"We need" "I want!"
"I am too fat" "Tell me I'm beautiful!"

In other words: She knows very well that sometimes she wants you to read her real mind. She knows that she needs to cry sometimes or that she has ups and downs. If you are too friendly (= sensitive) it can mean that her everchanging mood involves you so deeply that you won't be her stable rock, who KNOWS what to do. You have to show that whatever happens YOU keep an eye on the overall situation. That you can hold your position. That you can have your OWN opinion of what she needs and what not. That you know when a "yes" is a "no". That you know when her "oh, nothing" is in reality "something really bad".


Partnership advice#44

Your apartment

If a girl comes into your apartment it should look mature:
  • Take off the pin-up girls posters from the fridge door
  • Put away your Star Wars toys
  • Lock away your Hustler collection
  • Buy a big bed
  • Buy some plants
  • Buy some pictures to hang on the wall
  • Buy candles
  • I don't advise you to buy alcohol (wine, champagne...) because it's a drug. But since you will probably drink it anyway, you can buy some wine.
  • Buy coke, chocolate, popcorn, thus something to create a relaxed atmosphere.
  • Keep your flat clean and tidy
  • Keep the bathroom non-smelling/well-smelling
  • Put the latrine cover down
How would you like a girl who has yellow puppets and orange teddy bears sitting in dozens on her bed and wants you to eat with her and her barbies from pink plastic plates?
You see? A non mature girl can be a turn-off.


Love advice#45

Be brave and fast

Women love bravery and enterprise. Bravery is a reason why women like successful and self-confident men (because they proved they are brave) [Be successful and self-confident] and why wearing something quirky works (because they prove they are not afraid of others' opinion) [Have that something special].

So if women like brave men do they dislike boring cowards then? YES.

If you show that you are too shy to talk to her then you have already made the wrong impression BEFORE YOU EVEN SPOKE ONE WORD. For example if you wait too long to talk to her: She sees you, you see her, she sees that you see her and then...... you shy away for minutes or hours. Wrong behaviour, wrong impression. There is even a "Fast Eddie" rule: 1) you see her 2) she sees you 3) you have to approach her fast. As simple as that. THIS SPEED ALONE makes an impression.
Do you have a dating advice? Any comment? Write us!

Love advice#46

Outfit & Behaviour warning
Please keep in mind that you can spoil the best outfit by behaviour and the best behaviour by words. After all YOUR WORDS make it or break it. Imagine a beautiful woman: Attractive, dressed well and she says to you "I cannot stand your face and I am a lesbian". You see? What is more important? The dress or her words+attitude?


Love recommendation#47

Seduction by words
There are ways (= communication strategies) to achieve wanted results. These strategies apply to
Salesmen
Propaganda
Dating
any personal relationship
Following strategies are highly effective:

If a person is asked 2 times (or more) a question and agrees 2 times then the person is more willing to agree to the 3rd question, too.

Example:

John: "We are having fun, haven't we?"
Jane: "Yes"
John: "Do you want something to drink?"
Jane: "Yes"
John: "Hey, I know a nice cafe. Let's go there, shall we?"
Jane: "Yes".

Don't ask often questions that can be answered with a simple "No". Even if it's a question like "Do you like Coca Cola?" it can produce a defensive attitude towards you. Please also read Let women talk and help.

A person doesn't buy products because of obtrusiveness but because of honesty and sympathy. Thus you have to establish an "affinity line", e.g. "Hey, I have a cat, too". Read also Opposites attract?

Leave her the freedom of choice or the illusion of freedom of choice. It's very good that the woman feels unpressured by you but instead thinks SHE is leading.

Love recommendation#48


The Michael Jackson example

I want to give Michael Jackson as a "dating example" because he is a phenomenon. Since years his female fans shout and cry although it may seem unexplainable for other men. He combines several features mentioned here on this site that makes this more understandable:
  • Dance
  • Have that something special (this applies to his face and clothes)
  • Be successful and self-confident
  • Shaved face
  • Magnetic Mystery Man
  • Dress nicely
  • The irresistible Resistible (he is quite non-sexual, neither man nor woman)
  • No sex talks
  • Impotent homosexual
  • Do something for others (he sings "Save the world"-songs and engages in charity organizations)
  • Don't symbolize a loser (he is one of the top earners and one of the best dancers)
  • He fails however at Deep voice (but he has a strong voice)

Partnership tip#49

Calling her via Telephone

When you have the telephone number of the girl and want to call her for the first time there are some things to consider:
  • Don't call her too soon. This could scare her away. Please also read The irresistible Resistible and Don't stare, don't stalk.
  • Call her 2 to 4 days after you met her. These are reasonable numbers but you can try different ones. You could even tell her when you will call her in the very moment when she tells you the telephone number. Stick to your word then!
  • If you get her answering machine then you can leave a message saying WHEN you call her back.
  • Have a plan of what to say. A blank head and stuttering give the wrong impression.
  • Turn off any TV set or any music.
  • Do a little bit of small talk
  • After a conversational flow is established offer to meet her.
  • Try to find out whether she is really your type.
  • make a few suggestions where you could go together, but don't force her to a specific place and don't criticize her if she doesn't want to go there.
  • A few places where you can go on the first date:
  • Cinema/Movies
  • Bowling, ice-skating
  • Restaurant/Coffee shop
  • Something special (Circus, theatre, local events)
Dating recommendation#50

The first meeting

On the first date all other rules apply: No sex talks, Shaved face etc.
You want to have great fun on the first date and know each other a little better. Don't be so formal, don't be too serious, have a lot of laughs together. Say good-bye when you feel you had a great time. You can ask her to meet you again. Be patient. Don't confuse your own feelings with hers.

If she had a good time, she would be foolish to not to go out again.

Partnership tip#51

Make memories vs. Take memories

When you meet a girl then use your chance to make it memorable. Talking for hours is just sharing/taking memories. But doing something special is MAKING memories: In other words: Do something unusual. I am talking about action. This could be something small as a walk around the block instead of spending the whole night in a bar. Or invite her for next week to go to the circus or a flea market.

By the way: MAKING memories is also one of the best ways to keep a long relationship going. Even during hard times you have a "full pack of mood enhancing old experiences" that protects you from easily splitting up. It can be a small habit like: Going to a restaurant every Friday night. Or going on holidays every year.
http://www.100-dating-tips.com/
 
Mtoto wa Mkulima

Mtoto wa Mkulima

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Mtoto wa Mkulima

Mtoto wa Mkulima

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have some interesting news for you...


Attractive women know within SECONDS of seeing and/or interacting with you if you're a sexually aware, confident man. And they make the UNCONSCIOUS decision of whether or not you're a possible sexual partner within a maximum of a few minutes of interacting with you. These unconscious decisions are made mostly on the basis of body language and voice tone.

And since we know that "Attraction Isn't A Choice", we can generalize the following:

1. If you don't know what types of body language communicate that you're one of these "sexy beast" guys, you're probably not doing the right things "by accident".

2. The words you say actually don't matter much. What matters is HOW you say them, both with your voice and with your body language.

3. It is possible to learn how to communicate that you're a "sexually aware, confident man" using your body language and voice tone. Learning this skill will make attracting women MUCH easier. Unfortunately, most men are too caught up in the idea of being macho and independent to work on this area of their life... and as a result, they waste most of their time in "quiet desperation", never seeing any real improvement because they don't seek help and use the help to improve.

In short, if you don't know whether or not you project the kind of body language and voice tone that makes women feel that emotional jolt of sexual attraction, then you can bet your last dollar that you aren't. What's a guy to do? Learn it, then use it.

When I first started learning about how to meet women, I can remember thinking that I needed to learn pick up lines and other tricks. I had no idea that this stuff was basically useless without the all-important understanding of how body language works.

After a lot of trial and error, I started to realize that when my body language and voice tone were correct, I could say ALMOST ANYTHING to women, and they would feel ATTRACTION.

Like most guys, you probably want to know WHY this is, as well as how to do it. Well, if you want to REALLY get a deep understanding of this topic, I suggest that you check out my new CD Audio Program. I spend several hours working on the "why".

So in this newsletter, I'm going to focus on some of the "How To"...

Here are three things you can do to IMMEDIATELY increase your attractiveness to women:

1) Learn how to hold eye contact for longer than her.

If you see a woman that you find attractive, and she looks back at you, DON'T LOOK AWAY. Most guys become very self conscious and look away as soon as a woman notices them looking. This is a HUGE mistake.

If you want to communicate all the right things, you need to show IMMEDIATELY that you're not afraid, and that you're not at all self conscious about the fact that you are checking her out.

A good exercise is to walk through a mall for a few hours and look DIRECTLY at every woman you see. Walk into every store, and look directly into the eyes of every single woman you encounter... and DON'T LOOK AWAY UNTIL AFTER SHE DOES.

Do yourself a huge favor, and don't open your eyes really wide and smile like a serial killer while you're doing this exercise. Women don't tend to enjoy that.

Just learn how to hold eye contact with a woman until she looks away...

This is very important.

2) Use confident posture.

Most men I see hold themselves in a way that says "I am not very confident about myself or anything I'm saying".

And most of the guys I know who are chick MAGNETS hold themselves in a way that says "I'm the dominant male in this situation... I own this place".

Suck in your stomach, hold your head up and back, pull your shoulders back, arch your back... and generally hold yourself like you're the most powerful person you've ever seen or heard of.

Yea, I know this sounds dorky, but do it anyway.

You'll probably feel strange and self conscious at first, but not to worry.

If you continue to practice your confident posture, you'll soon become comfortable with it. And more important, you'll attract attention from women.

Remember, women aren't interested in finding another average Wuss Boy. Women aren't ATTRACTED to WUSSIES.

Carry yourself like a manly man, and attractive women will notice and have INSTANT positive unconscious reactions to you.


3) Use SLOW, CALCULATED movements and gestures.

Watch a few James Bond films. And while you're at it, check out "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels".

Have you ever noticed that James Bond never looks like he doesn't know how to act? And that he never fidgets or behaves nervously?

Everything James does is a little slower than is should be. He's just too cool.

Try learning how to turn your head slowly, how to blink slowly, how to change facial expressions slowly... and how to gesture slowly.

This makes a huge impact on how others perceive you.

This kind of body language transmits the message: "I'm so comfortable in my own skin, it hurts".

4) Confident voice tone.

Most people speak with weak, squeaky voices that convey the message "I'm not confident... I have no self esteem".

This turns women off. Big time.

If you want to attract beautiful women, you're going to need to take a few lessons from Barry White.

Learn how to speak with a deeper voice. Learn to speak from down in your chest and stomach. Add more bass to your voice.

Also, learn how to speak slower... and how to articulate every word better. Become comfortable pausing... it creates anticipation. Most guys talk too much, too fast, and feel like they need to talk because they're nervous. Don't do it! Learn to lean back, relax, and become comfortable with the tension that comes from silence.

If you work on communicating with your BODY AND VOICE that you're a confident, sexually aware, stud-muffinly guy, then all the techniques you're learning from me will work TEN times better. Really.

As you know, I really believe that it takes a DEEP understanding of how and why ATTRACTION works between men and women before you will actually begin to "GET IT" at that deep level in your GUT... which leads to ACTION.
 
Steve Dii

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Steve Dii

Steve Dii

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Evidently, more and more Tanzanians are growing acceptant of the concept behind speed dating albeit in their own ways.

See links below:

http://issamichuzi.blogspot.com/2008/03/msaada-kwenye-tutazzz.html#comments

http://issamichuzi.blogspot.com/2008/03/manaka-mushi-ii-aluta-kontinua.html#comments

http://issamichuzi.blogspot.com/2008/04/aluta-continyua.html#comments

http://issamichuzi.blogspot.com/2008/03/mdau-anatafuta-mchumba.html#comments

http://issamichuzi.blogspot.com/2008/03/msaada-tutani_29.html#comments

http://haki-hakingowi.blogspot.com/2008/04/natafuta-mchumba.html#comments

It’s been a while, what is your take…. accept speed dating, rebuke or ignore?! Hivi hapa Dar au mikoani kuna yeyote aliyeona agency wa ndoa, ukiachilia mbali mambo ya ushenga…. Pia, kama mtu unataka kibali cha kuanzisha dating agency, je ni mamlaka au wizara gani unapaswa kuwaona? Shukrani.

SteveD.
 
Yona F. Maro

Yona F. Maro

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Yona F. Maro

Yona F. Maro

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Kwa sasa inaaminika kuwa Tanzania ni nchi pekee barani Afrika yenye uhodari, ushujaa, bidii na ustadi wa hali ya juu katika medani ya mapokeo na kulaki tamaduni pepe za ughaibuni hata kumeza nzima nzima bila hata chembe ya fikra chanya katika kuhoji. Hakuna ubishi kuwa Tanzania kwa sasa ni maabara ya kufanyia majaribio ya kila aina ya taka toka nchi za ng’ambo. Taka hizi ni pamoja na bidhaa, tamaduni na mienendo haramu.

Wakati tamthilia hiyo ikiendelea,Afrika ya Kusini ndio imejiteuwa kuwa lango kuu ya kupitishia kila aina ya bidhaa hafifu, tamaduni hafifu, mienendo hafifu na kila aina ya taka kutoka Ulaya kwa kisingizio cha ubeberu mkongwe eti utandawazi na soko huria.

Chini ya mfumo huu, ni ruksa kuingiliana kitamaduni na kimienendo ambapo mwenyewe ulemavu wa fikra tasa hujikuta akiamrishwa kucheza kila aina ya ngoma naye hucheza tu kama zuzu.

Tunahubiriwa kuwa dunia ya sasa ni kijiji (global village) ambapo kila mkaaji anapaswa kuuza bidhaa na utamaduni alionao. Kinyume chake ni utumwa!

Naeleza haya ili kujenga hoja yetu ya leo ambayo ni ndoa za mikataba kwa taifa changa kama Tanzania.

Naam. Hatuwezi kuorodhesha miigo yote toka ughaibuni lakini hata msomaji makini anaweza kuangalia vitu vilivyomzunguka pale sebuleni, chumbani, jikoni, maliwatoni, hadi ofisini, ni kitu gani cha Kitanzania? Lakini si hivyo tu, hata mavazi yetu, miondoko yetu, ongea yetu: vijana wetu wa kiume sasa wanatoga masikio alimradi tu wafanane na wanawake. Na kama hiyo haitoshi, wanaume hata kuwa mashoga kwa kuwa mzungu tena maarufu kama Elton John wa Uingereza na wengine ni mashoga.

Dada zetu warembo leo hawana tofauti na wana sesere pale wanapovaa nusu uchi, nguo zisizositiri miili yao na zingine za kubana kiasi cha kuonyesha jiografia ya maungo yao ya siri. Midomoni wamepaka damu ili tu wajulikane ni wauwaji, kucha za bandia kama malaika wa giza, nywele za bandia, miwani ya jua hata wawapo kivulini na kila aina ya taka na ushenzi wa Kimagharibi.

Tumewahi kusikia hata spika wetu wa bunge akijivunia kuvaa joho iliyoshonwa London kana kwamba Hadija Mwanamboka wa Sinza hawezi kumshonea Spika wetu joho la bunge. Hiyo ndiyo hali halisi na kama taifa huru tumefikia hapo!

Kila kitokacho Ulaya, Marekani, Uarabuni na Mashariki ya mbali ni “kitakatifu” na hivyo kinafaa kuliwa, kuvaliwa, kutendwa na kutamadunishwa kwani hatuwezi kujitenga kama kisiwa ndani ya kijiji cha dunia.

Naam. Ndoa za mikataba nazo zimeanza kubisha hodi mlangoni. Tunajiuliza, je, tutazifungulia ziingie ndani ya nyumba yetu kama tulivyokaribisha taka zingine? Hata hivyo, ni nani anayefungua milango hii? Ni nani anayefikiri kwa niaba yetu juu ya ndoa za mikataba? Watu wetu wameanza kunong’ona chini kwa chini juu ya kuruhusu watu kuoana kwa mikataba maalumu inayotambulika kisheria.

Wanapozungumzia utambuzi wa kisheria ni kuwa Bunge letu tukufu litunge sheria ya ndoa za mikataba. Lakini unaweza kujiuliza, Spika wa bunge aliyejisikia “ujiko” kuwa na vazi toka Ulaya ataacha kushahadia ndoa za mikataba?

Kinachosikitisha ni kuona watu wazima wenye nyuso za weledi ndio wameanza kupendekeza uwepo wa ndoa za mikataba bila hata kujiuliza, tutahimili mikiki mikiki ya ndoa za mikataba? Kwa kuwa hii ni dini ngeni na injili mpya toka majuu, hatuzuiwi kujiuliza maswali yafuatayo: Ndoa ya mkataba una maana gani? Nini maudhui yake? Ina faida au hasara gani kwetu? Inalenga kujenga jamii ya aina gani kwa siku za usoni? Na mwisho tujiulize, kwa nini watu wanasukumwa kufunga ndao za mikataba?

Makala yetu ya leo itajikita maeneo hayo kama uamsho wa mjadala mpana wa kitaifa. Ndoa ya mkataba ni makubaliano huru baina ya watu wawili wa jinsia kinzani wanaoamua kuishi pamoja kama mume na mke kwa kipindi maalum kama miezi sita, mwaka, miaka miwili, mitatu na kuendelea.

Hii ni ndoa ambayo neno “umilele” haitakiwi. Katika ndoa za mikataba ipo masharti kadhaa yanayoridhiwa na pande zote mbili mbele ya mwanasheria au mtu aliyepewa mamlaka na serikali kufungisha ndoa hizo.

Masharti yanaweza kuwa, tusizae watoto, tuzae mtoto mmoja tu, hakuna kurudi nyumbani huku umelewa, hakuna kutembea nje ya ndoa, mmoja akifariki, aliye hai haruhusiwi kuoa ama kuolewa hadi kipindi cha mkataba kuisha, mmoja akimchoka mwenzie anaweza kujiondokea bila kuingiliwa uamuzi wake, baada ya mkataba mali hugawanywa. Masharti mengine yanaweza kuwa, tendo la ndoa ni mara moja tu kwa mwezi au kila uchao na popote pale, hakuna ubaya kama mmoja atavutiwa kingono na mtu mwingine nje ya ndoa nakadhalika!

Chini ya mfumo huu, kwenda kinyume na moja ya masharti ni kuiaga ndoa hiyo, kufungasha na kuondoka na pengine hata kutozwa faini kama iliainishwa kwenye mkataba. Chini ya ndoa ya mkataba, mwanandoa anapaswa kuwa makini na kuheshimu mkataba huo wa kisheria na si msukumo wa kiutu na asilia ya upendo.

Hata hivyo tunapaswa kujiuliza, ni kwa nini tumeanza kuota ndoa za mikataba? Jibu la swali hilo ni rahisi. Huko nyuma tumewahi kusema kuwa ndoa ni makubaliano kati ya watu wawili walioamua kuishi kama mke na mume. Makubaliano ambayo ni matokeo ya msukumo wa nafsi, mwili na roho.

Mume na mke huungana na kuwa mwili mmoja, nafsi moja na roho moja kwa nadharia asilia inayoweza kuthibitika bayana. Hakuna Mtanzania asiyekuwa na imani kwa mungu. Wapo wenye imani ya kislamu, wapo wenye imani ya Kikristo, Ubudha,Uhindu na wapo wenye imani ya kijadi wanaopachikwa majina ya matusi eti “wapagani” au kafri.

Kimsingi kila binadamu ameumbwa kwa silica ya kuamini aidha mungu wa imani zote (ambaye ni mmoja) anatambua ndoa za mume na mke kuishi hadi kutenganishwa na mauti.

Jimbo la carlifonia nchini Marekani ndio ilikuwa ya kwanza kutunga na kupitisha sheria ya uhuru wa ndoa za mikataba takribani miaka 20 iliyopita na kusambaa katika baadhi ya nchi za ulaya kama Uingereza na Denmark.

Kwa hapa kwetu ilikaribishwa Afrika Kusini na kutungiwa sheria na tukaanza kuona watu wakifunga ndoa za mikataba na si pingu za maisha.

Tukumbuke kuwa Carlifonia inaongoza dunia kwa wingi wa ndoa zinazovunjika ambapo kwa kila ndoa 100 zinazofungwa ni ndoa 40 tu zinasherekea mwaka mmoja katika ndoa huku zingine zikiyeyuka njiani kama umande.

Ni nini kiliwasibu? Kimsingi ndoa imekuwa ya mkataba toka enzi na enzi ila masharti ya hii ya leo ndio inatofautiana.

Hakuna ndoa inayoruhusu mmoja wa wanandoa kutoka nje ya ndoa na kwenda kuzini na mtu mwingine. Huo ni uvunjifu wa makataba. Haturuhusiwi kuwapiga wake zetu au waume zetu, kuwatukana, kuwadharau, kuwapuuza na kutowajali. Kwa mkataba asilia ya ndoa tunapaswa, kuvumiliana, kuhurumiana, kusameheana, kuchukuliana kwa misingi ya utu wema kwani ndio asili ya binadamu.

Ndoa ni lazima itawaliwe na upendo wa kweli kama tulivyoona majuma mawili yaliyopita. Upendo wa kweli huvumilia kwani hakuna binadamu aliyekamilika kwa aslimia 100, sote tu wadhaifu na hivyo tunapaswa kutanguliza ubinadamu mbele na si adhabu kwa kila kosa.

Lugha zetu, matendo yetu, mienendo yetu, hisia zetu na maamuzi yetu yalenge kutenda mema kwani hiyo ndiyo asili ya binadamu.

Wenyeji wa Carlifonia waliposahau kanuni ya ubinadamu walijikuta wakifikiria juu ya ndoa za mbadala na kisha kutunga sheria ya ndoa za mikataba.

Afrika ya Kusini baada ya kuruhusu kila aina ya uozo kutoka Ulaya. Walijikuta wakishindwa kizikabili ndoa zao na kufikiria ndoa za mikataba.

Lakini pia kuna swali la msingi hapa; je, ndoa za mikataba zimeleta ahueni ya maisha bora huko zilikoanzia? Jibu ni hapana. Kwa ndoa za mikataba watoto wa mitaani wameongezeka maradufu, ndoa zimevunjika maradufu, wengi wameumizwa mioyo na wengine kuamua kuondoa uhai wao.

Ugawanaji mali umeleta magomvi, chuki na uhasama. Hisia za kingono zimeachwa kutawala fikra na hata kufifisha kabisa uwezo wa kutenda. Sheria ya asili inatuambia kuwa mtoto hukuwa salama na kuwa mtu mzima tu pale anapolelewa na wazazi wake wote wawili kwa ushirikiano.

Ndoa ya mkataba inaweza kuheshimu sheria hii ya asili? Ndoa za mikataba zitatusaidia kupambana na janga la ukimwi na ongezeko la watoto wa mitaani? Lakini pia tunapaswa kujuwa ndoa za mikataba hazina hata chembe ya utamaduni wetu.

Niliwahi kusema jamii yoyote inayothubutu kuipa kisogo tamaduni zake na kukumbatia tamaduni za watu wengine ni lazima ianguke na yumkini isisimame tena.

Kama Watanzania tunazo tamaduni zetu za ndoa ambazo nasi tunaweza kuziuza katika soko kuu la kijiji cha dunia. Katika ndoa zetu tuliishi kwa kuheshimiana, kupendana na kujaliana.

Mke alijua nafasi yake ya utii katika ndoa, mume naye alijua nafasi yake ya kupenda na kuhenyea chakula cha familia yake na si kuvaa suruali na kuchomekea tu! Watoto nao walijua wajibu wao katika familia.

Hakuna ushahidi wa kitafiti kuwa tamaduni zetu, mila zetu, jadi zetu na mifumo yetu ya maisha katika ndoa haziwezi kufua dafu mbele ya walimwengu.

Turudi katika misingi yetu asilia na kuepuka kilio kikuu kinachoweza kuifunika taifa baada ya kuanguka endapo tutaruhusu tuchuliwe na upepo wa tamaduni za ughaibuni zisizojali mipaka, rangi, kabila na tamaduni za watu wengine.
 
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Haika

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H

Haika

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Golden rules for finding your life partner and maintaining by Dov Heller, M.A

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding
Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love". I believe this is the no1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.

Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again:

"You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone".You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You Need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart.

50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" ; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions.

Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ". So ask your significant other what do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?
Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:

(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth, and
(2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following:

How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.
How do they treat their parents and siblings?
Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything;
Can you do nearly as much for them? You can be surethat someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse". If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart.

It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; so be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective....

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance....
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention....
Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel Better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye". Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:

1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But......... .

Only faith keeps You Going!

"In search for me, I discovered truth. In search for truth, I discoveredlove and in search for love, I discovered faith. In faith, I have foundeverything." "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when youtake your eyes off your goals."...Authors Unknown
 
LazyDog

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LazyDog

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Good stuff, thank you.

Love does not conquer all

Love is blind; if you are in love and inexperienced, read articles like these to keep you focused.

haika said:
Can You Do It?
What do you mean exactly?
 
DMussa

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For sure this is hot stuff!!!
Thanks haika!!
I think the most important thing here also is to strive to grow together!!

will come back with some more! acha nikafanye zoezi kwanza..
 
Yona F. Maro

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Haika Mwanamke Niliyenae Mimi Hatujaona Niko Nae Zaidi Ya Miaka Ni Wapenzi Tu Tumepitia Mengi Mpaka Wazazi Pande Zote Mbili Hawataki Sisi Tuendelee Mfano Mimi Nilipelekwa Mpaka Polisi Kulazimishwa Kuachana Na Huyu Mwanadada Na Yeye Akapelekwa Mbali Sana Lakini Baada Ya Masaa Machache Tunatafutana And So On

Mara Ya Mwisho Wiki Iliyopita Tu Sijui Ilitokea Nini Nilishituka Nimerushiwa Sahani Ikapasukia Usoni Hapa Nilipo Uhandsome Umepungua Kidogo Mpaka Nipone Majeraha Lakini Bado Niko Nae Sijui Nampendea Nini Sijui Yeye Ana Nini Cha Zaidi Lakini Siwezi Kukaa Dakika 10 Bila Kujua Anaendeleaje Siwezi Kukaa Masaa 12 Bila Kufika Kazini Au Sehemu Aliyo Yeye Ndio Hiyo
 
Mtanganyika

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Mtanganyika

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Haika Mwanamke Niliyenae Mimi Hatujaona Niko Nae Zaidi Ya Miaka Ni Wapenzi Tu Tumepitia Mengi Mpaka Wazazi Pande Zote Mbili Hawataki Sisi Tuendelee Mfano Mimi Nilipelekwa Mpaka Polisi Kulazimishwa Kuachana Na Huyu Mwanadada Na Yeye Akapelekwa Mbali Sana Lakini Baada Ya Masaa Machache Tunatafutana And So On

Mara Ya Mwisho Wiki Iliyopita Tu Sijui Ilitokea Nini Nilishituka Nimerushiwa Sahani Ikapasukia Usoni Hapa Nilipo Uhandsome Umepungua Kidogo Mpaka Nipone Majeraha Lakini Bado Niko Nae Sijui Nampendea Nini Sijui Yeye Ana Nini Cha Zaidi Lakini Siwezi Kukaa Dakika 10 Bila Kujua Anaendeleaje Siwezi Kukaa Masaa 12 Bila Kufika Kazini Au Sehemu Aliyo Yeye Ndio Hiyo
Mzazi nakupa straight talk, achana nae. Kama mwanamke ni mkorofi kumuoa hakusaidii
 
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Haika Mwanamke Niliyenae Mimi Hatujaona Niko Nae Zaidi Ya Miaka Ni Wapenzi Tu Tumepitia Mengi Mpaka Wazazi Pande Zote Mbili Hawataki Sisi Tuendelee Mfano Mimi Nilipelekwa Mpaka Polisi Kulazimishwa Kuachana Na Huyu Mwanadada Na Yeye Akapelekwa Mbali Sana Lakini Baada Ya Masaa Machache Tunatafutana And So On
Mimi sio mshauri nasaha ila pendelea kuamua kufuatana na akili yako, usifanye maamuzi kama moyo unavyotaka, Mapenzi ya moyo au mwili yanaidhoofisha akili na dhamira. Ukweli unaujua, ula kuushinda moyo wako ndio huwezi.
Kupata ushauri wa WAZAZI wakati wa kutafuta mwenzi ni vizuri kama wana mapenzi na hali yako ya baadae, na kwa wakati husika huwa wanatumia akili kuwatazameni mlivyo, wakati nyie mmelowa kwenye lindi la matamaniano, hamunoni mbele wala nyuma, mnataka tu kuwa wote masaa 24/7

All the best. Najua si rahisi, ila jikaze kiume, uamue, utekeleze, utajipongeza.

niliuliza 'can you do it?'
ni kuwa kuwa kama unaweza kuweka mbele akili au hisia wakati wa kutafuta mwenzi wa maisha.
Sex appeal/ compatibility/ attraction unaipa nafasi ya ngapi?
 
DMussa

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Golden rules for finding your life partner and maintaining by Dov Heller, M.A

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding
Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love". I believe this is the no1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.

Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again:

"You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone".You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You Need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart.

50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" ; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions.

Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ". So ask your significant other what do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?
Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:

(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth, and
(2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following:

How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.
How do they treat their parents and siblings?
Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything;
Can you do nearly as much for them? You can be surethat someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse". If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart.

It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; so be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective....

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance....
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention....
Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel Better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye". Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:

1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But......... .

Only faith keeps You Going!

"In search for me, I discovered truth. In search for truth, I discoveredlove and in search for love, I discovered faith. In faith, I have foundeverything." "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when youtake your eyes off your goals."...Authors Unknown
well from my experience i think these things are all linked up!!! they depend on one another very much
 
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Ofcourse They Sshould Depend On Each Other, Thats Life,
But Put Priorities In Front Of You.
Needs/wants????? Remember?
And Do Not Be Lazy.
 
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Imetulia Haika....watu wanafanya decision za mapenzi kwa mazoea bila kuangalia mambo muhimu na ya msingi ndio maana wanatujazia machokoraa mitaani...Big up sana
 
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Buswelu

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I have found this very usefull hasa kwa sisi ambao bado hatuko tayari kuoa...tunatembea tembea mjini kwanza....na kujenga maisha stable kwa baadae.

I have to have my digital copy kwa future use wakati wa shooping nakuwa na user manual.Kabisa...uzuri wa wenzetu wanakuwa na user manual au guidence kwa kila kitu.

Kama vitu havifanyi kazi wanaachana navyo kwa kuwa walitumia guidance zote lakini it didnt work..na kila mtu anakuwa peace full.

Thank you Haika
 
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Haika

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I am glad that at least one person got inspired by this item, it was very useful to me too.
I will try to find shorter versions of advise later for young relationships.
I have been observing young ppl killing themselves, indulging in drugs, running away from home etc just because of a wrong relationship maturing. They do not look into the relationships before they begin, they just look at the body, the name and the pocket.
When they wake up later three children away, HIV in hand, and all relatives and friends gone, diabetes and heart diceases in the body, maybe including some few scars too. They get 'saved'. (born again)
When you are young you should use your head in creating your future meaning wealth and health (emotional and phyisical).
all the best, and wish me the best too.
from your happily married imperfect sister.
 
Buswelu

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Buswelu

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I am glad that at least one person got inspired by this item, it was very useful to me too.
I will try to find shorter versions of advise later for young relationships.
I have been observing young ppl killing themselves, indulging in drugs, running away from home etc just because of a wrong relationship maturing. They do not look into the relationships before they begin, they just look at the body, the name and the pocket.
When they wake up later three children away, HIV in hand, and all relatives and friends gone, diabetes and heart diceases in the body, maybe including some few scars too. They get 'saved'. (born again)
When you are young you should use your head in creating your future meaning wealth and health (emotional and phyisical).
all the best, and wish me the best too.
from your happily married imperfect sister.

Ur right Haika...thanks.
Good lucky and bring the shorter version.
 
Wakunyuti

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Haika Mwanamke Niliyenae Mimi Hatujaona Niko Nae Zaidi Ya Miaka Ni Wapenzi Tu Tumepitia Mengi Mpaka Wazazi Pande Zote Mbili Hawataki Sisi Tuendelee Mfano Mimi Nilipelekwa Mpaka Polisi Kulazimishwa Kuachana Na Huyu Mwanadada Na Yeye Akapelekwa Mbali Sana Lakini Baada Ya Masaa Machache Tunatafutana And So On

Mara Ya Mwisho Wiki Iliyopita Tu Sijui Ilitokea Nini Nilishituka Nimerushiwa Sahani Ikapasukia Usoni Hapa Nilipo Uhandsome Umepungua Kidogo Mpaka Nipone Majeraha Lakini Bado Niko Nae Sijui Nampendea Nini Sijui Yeye Ana Nini Cha Zaidi Lakini Siwezi Kukaa Dakika 10 Bila Kujua Anaendeleaje Siwezi Kukaa Masaa 12 Bila Kufika Kazini Au Sehemu Aliyo Yeye Ndio Hiyo
Mzee Shy...uko kunaitwa ni kuuendekeza ule usemi dhaifu kama una akili timamu unaoitwa ''LOVE IS BLIND''...uiskubali huo usemi ukutawale ndugu yangu...all u want for ur future is a good wife..sasa kama mnaanza kutupiana sahani sasaivi na na bado una mawazo yakumuoa na unasema ujui kwanini unampenda hiyo ni mbaya na inabidi ukae chini utafakari vizuri....kumbuka kumpenda msichana kiasi icho mpaka ukashindwa kujitambua ni kitu kibaya sana..sio tu kinampa kiburi cha yeye kuendelea kukurushia hizo sahani sababu anajua kesho yake utakuja tu ofsini kwake pia kina kuondolea na wewe kujiamini kwa kudhani kuwa hauna choice nyingine duniani zaidi ya huyo msichana... so mzee u better find a girl who will be a good wife to u..anakuheshimu unamuheshimu...anayekutupia sahani hakueshimu mzee..hiyo ni uhakika kwa 100%..dont rely in movies face the truth.


Nimtazamo tu Wananchi Msijenge Chuki- Solothang
 
Steve Dii

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Acceptability and evidence of speed dating is hard to miss....
 

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