HOW TO WRITE A PAPER 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make sure you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at the third floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter & get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 9. Listen to one side of your favorite cd and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. 10.Listen to the other side. 11.Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about the course your teacher, the university, the world at large. 13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure that you aren't missing something worthwhile on TV... NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than twelve hours, anything from Masterpiece Theater to... Sgt Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile. 16. Catch the last hour of Days of our live 17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 18.5. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it. 23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 24. Lie face down on the floor and moan. 25. Leap up and write the paper.