How to ask a woman out
By Amy Spencer
It seems so simple: You like a woman. You ask her out. She says yes. You go out. She falls in love with you. She rubs your feet at night during SportsCenter... Ah, but were it so easy.
Asking someone out on a date is similar to asking for a raise. Even when you know youre worthy of a yes, success lies in the delivery. (And when you get that yes, you feel like a lotta bucks!) Now, since every delivery could use a little improvement, here are some dos and donts compiled from interviews with precisely the people you want to impress: women.
1. DO be straightforward. If you want her to go out with you, say so. Get right to the point. When Dave first called Mimi, a 35-year-old retail supervisor in Connecticut, he asked her for suggestions of business books that helped her be successful. They hit it off so well, he decided to take the connection further. A few days later, says Mimi, he called again and said, Hey, I just wanted to call and thank you for giving me the title of that book. I said, Oh, you didnt have to call to say that. And he said, I didnt. I called to ask you out. I was so surprised. I didnt know a lot of people who were doing that honest and straightforward approach. It was a very refreshing thing! She said yes, by the way and one marriage and two kids later, shes glad she did.
2. DONT ask her out via email. Even in the Internet age, the best way to ask a woman out are the old-fashioned ways: face-to-face or by phone, because shes more likely to say yes. Why? In the moment of asking, she might not want to hurt your feelings, so if shes so-so or not sure about the date, you have a better shot at getting a yes, explains communication expert Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life (Laurie Puhn – Home). In fact, according to Puhn, economic research even shows that asking for things in real time creates an important emotional connection that makes it far more likely for an askee to say yes. And as a woman, I can attest to the fact that email provides a too-easy out. When guys I wasnt into asked me out by email, for instance, I would just wait a few days to reply, then finally write something like, Oh, sorry I didnt write back, but work has been nuts! Im actually going to be working late for the next couple of weeks, but we should catch up next month. Take care. It was easy to say no over the impersonal computer connection. But Ive gone on more than a few dates with guys I wasnt sure about who went for it in person. Theres just something about being asked in the moment that just makes a woman say yes. Online daters take note: Even though you begin by emailing one another, make phone contact at some point before you suggest a date. Not only does it give you a better sense of the person to find out if you click, but once again it ups your chances of getting a yes when you do finally ask.
3. DO look her in the eyes and smile when you ask her. Obvious stuff, right? But if youre nervous, you might not do it! You might look from side to side, or down at your feet with an expression of fear or doubt or uncertainty. And while some girls go for the utterly adorable anti-social shy type, most women will appreciate a guy who is confident enough to look her in the eyes, smile, breathe, and say, Hey. Wanna go out next week?
4. DONT pass the buck to her. If you meet a woman you like, dont hand her your card at the end of the night and just say, Call me if you want. Instead, take control and get her phone number or email (which youd use to email her for her phone number ). Doing so actually widens the net for the type of woman youll get to go out with. Heres why: If you give women your card, the ones who call you are all going to be assertive and confident types, explains Puhn. But if you also like women who might be shy, or just dont feel comfortable going out on a limb for a date, giving those women your number isnt going to get you a date with them. If you call the women yourself, says Puhn, youll get a larger pool of women.
5. DO practice your cool, can-do tone. When you like a woman and really want her to say yes to a date, the pressure may come out in your voice. Your goal is to get rid of that fearful timbre and replace it with the tone you use when you ask for other things in life: When you ask the waitress if you can have the garlic mashed potatoes instead of the baked potato, she might say no... but you still ask. When you ask your buddy if you can borrow 50 bucks, he might say no... but you still ask. The same goes for asking a woman out. She might say no, but you should still ask. And do it in the same nonchalant tone youd use for those other questions. In fact, practice asking all three of those questions out loud together: Hi, can I have the garlic mashed potatoes? Dude, lend me 50 bucks? You want to go to dinner some time? Thats the laid-back tone that says, Hey, I figured it couldnt hurt to ask. And its the one that will make her think, Hey, it couldnt hurt to say yes...
6. DONT be vague. If you want to go out on a date with a woman, make it clear right upfront. This helps on many levels. First, being specific makes it more likely youll actually go out on the date. See, if you just say, Hey, we should hang out sometime and leave it hanging, you havent closed the deal. Instead, suggest, Hey, would you like to go out for coffee next Thursday after work? and you probably will. Being specific also shows youre serious about her. You want to lay it on the line, says Puhn. If you say something like, We should get coffee sometime, it shows youre testing the waters. It says to her you havent decided if you want to go out with her. If you say, I want to spend two hours having coffee with you at five oclock, it says to her, I thought about this. Im not just Mr. Cool. I actually want to talk to you and get to know you. Show that you are a man with a mission, and shell be more likely to accept.
7. DO knock it out of the park with originality. The more specific ideas you have about a potential date, the more impressed shell be. And if you want to impress her, take her to something memorable. So skip the movie first date (so you dont spend the first two hours of a date sitting in a dark room, not talking, facing away from each other ). If you really want to up your chances, offer her something original that shell want to do regardless of the company shes with: a new tapas restaurant, concert tickets, sunset on a catamaran, a picnic in a Japanese garden, seats at a daytime talk show. Mimi and Dave (the retail supervisor and her now-husband) had such busy schedules, they couldnt find a night to do dinner. But instead of acting deflated, says Mimi, Dave suggested flying kites on a Sunday afternoon. Thats the key: Get her by your side first, and then you can turn on your true charm. I once agreed to go on a date because the guy said, Meet me at the ferry dock on the West Side, and Ill take you to my favorite secret place. The relationship didnt blossom, but Ive never forgotten the boat ride and the chocolate shop he took me to for spicy hot chocolate.
8. DO make it clear its a date with one specific phrase. Ever been on one of those, Im-not-sure-if-its-a-date dates? If so, you know how awkward it can be as the two of you figure out who likes who (and how much), whos paying (and how much)... and if youll get a kiss at the end of the night (and how much...). Avoid this by being clear its a date when you ask. The best thing to say? Id like to take you out to... If there is a chance she might be confused about your status, the phrasing should be very specific. Saying, Id like to take you out to puts a woman at ease, explains Puhn. It says its a date. It says hes paying. And it shows confidence.
The bottom line? Handle the situation of asking a woman out the same way youd handle scoring tickets to your favorite playoffs: If you were standing next to the guy who could give those tickets to you, would you make small talk and beat around the bush over the course of a few months? Would you ask your friends friend to ask for the tickets? Would you be vague about whether or not you wanted to go? Would you hand the guy your card and tell him to call you if he wanted? No, no, no and no. Youd go right to the source, be direct, and ask for what you want! It works in life, and it works in love. So try it! There are women out there right now wondering why guys never seem to ask them out. Next time, step up to the plate and be the one who does.
Amy Spencer writes for Glamour, Real Simple, and New York magazine, among other publications, and is the author of Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match
By Amy Spencer
It seems so simple: You like a woman. You ask her out. She says yes. You go out. She falls in love with you. She rubs your feet at night during SportsCenter... Ah, but were it so easy.
Asking someone out on a date is similar to asking for a raise. Even when you know youre worthy of a yes, success lies in the delivery. (And when you get that yes, you feel like a lotta bucks!) Now, since every delivery could use a little improvement, here are some dos and donts compiled from interviews with precisely the people you want to impress: women.
1. DO be straightforward. If you want her to go out with you, say so. Get right to the point. When Dave first called Mimi, a 35-year-old retail supervisor in Connecticut, he asked her for suggestions of business books that helped her be successful. They hit it off so well, he decided to take the connection further. A few days later, says Mimi, he called again and said, Hey, I just wanted to call and thank you for giving me the title of that book. I said, Oh, you didnt have to call to say that. And he said, I didnt. I called to ask you out. I was so surprised. I didnt know a lot of people who were doing that honest and straightforward approach. It was a very refreshing thing! She said yes, by the way and one marriage and two kids later, shes glad she did.
2. DONT ask her out via email. Even in the Internet age, the best way to ask a woman out are the old-fashioned ways: face-to-face or by phone, because shes more likely to say yes. Why? In the moment of asking, she might not want to hurt your feelings, so if shes so-so or not sure about the date, you have a better shot at getting a yes, explains communication expert Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life (Laurie Puhn – Home). In fact, according to Puhn, economic research even shows that asking for things in real time creates an important emotional connection that makes it far more likely for an askee to say yes. And as a woman, I can attest to the fact that email provides a too-easy out. When guys I wasnt into asked me out by email, for instance, I would just wait a few days to reply, then finally write something like, Oh, sorry I didnt write back, but work has been nuts! Im actually going to be working late for the next couple of weeks, but we should catch up next month. Take care. It was easy to say no over the impersonal computer connection. But Ive gone on more than a few dates with guys I wasnt sure about who went for it in person. Theres just something about being asked in the moment that just makes a woman say yes. Online daters take note: Even though you begin by emailing one another, make phone contact at some point before you suggest a date. Not only does it give you a better sense of the person to find out if you click, but once again it ups your chances of getting a yes when you do finally ask.
3. DO look her in the eyes and smile when you ask her. Obvious stuff, right? But if youre nervous, you might not do it! You might look from side to side, or down at your feet with an expression of fear or doubt or uncertainty. And while some girls go for the utterly adorable anti-social shy type, most women will appreciate a guy who is confident enough to look her in the eyes, smile, breathe, and say, Hey. Wanna go out next week?
4. DONT pass the buck to her. If you meet a woman you like, dont hand her your card at the end of the night and just say, Call me if you want. Instead, take control and get her phone number or email (which youd use to email her for her phone number ). Doing so actually widens the net for the type of woman youll get to go out with. Heres why: If you give women your card, the ones who call you are all going to be assertive and confident types, explains Puhn. But if you also like women who might be shy, or just dont feel comfortable going out on a limb for a date, giving those women your number isnt going to get you a date with them. If you call the women yourself, says Puhn, youll get a larger pool of women.
5. DO practice your cool, can-do tone. When you like a woman and really want her to say yes to a date, the pressure may come out in your voice. Your goal is to get rid of that fearful timbre and replace it with the tone you use when you ask for other things in life: When you ask the waitress if you can have the garlic mashed potatoes instead of the baked potato, she might say no... but you still ask. When you ask your buddy if you can borrow 50 bucks, he might say no... but you still ask. The same goes for asking a woman out. She might say no, but you should still ask. And do it in the same nonchalant tone youd use for those other questions. In fact, practice asking all three of those questions out loud together: Hi, can I have the garlic mashed potatoes? Dude, lend me 50 bucks? You want to go to dinner some time? Thats the laid-back tone that says, Hey, I figured it couldnt hurt to ask. And its the one that will make her think, Hey, it couldnt hurt to say yes...
6. DONT be vague. If you want to go out on a date with a woman, make it clear right upfront. This helps on many levels. First, being specific makes it more likely youll actually go out on the date. See, if you just say, Hey, we should hang out sometime and leave it hanging, you havent closed the deal. Instead, suggest, Hey, would you like to go out for coffee next Thursday after work? and you probably will. Being specific also shows youre serious about her. You want to lay it on the line, says Puhn. If you say something like, We should get coffee sometime, it shows youre testing the waters. It says to her you havent decided if you want to go out with her. If you say, I want to spend two hours having coffee with you at five oclock, it says to her, I thought about this. Im not just Mr. Cool. I actually want to talk to you and get to know you. Show that you are a man with a mission, and shell be more likely to accept.
7. DO knock it out of the park with originality. The more specific ideas you have about a potential date, the more impressed shell be. And if you want to impress her, take her to something memorable. So skip the movie first date (so you dont spend the first two hours of a date sitting in a dark room, not talking, facing away from each other ). If you really want to up your chances, offer her something original that shell want to do regardless of the company shes with: a new tapas restaurant, concert tickets, sunset on a catamaran, a picnic in a Japanese garden, seats at a daytime talk show. Mimi and Dave (the retail supervisor and her now-husband) had such busy schedules, they couldnt find a night to do dinner. But instead of acting deflated, says Mimi, Dave suggested flying kites on a Sunday afternoon. Thats the key: Get her by your side first, and then you can turn on your true charm. I once agreed to go on a date because the guy said, Meet me at the ferry dock on the West Side, and Ill take you to my favorite secret place. The relationship didnt blossom, but Ive never forgotten the boat ride and the chocolate shop he took me to for spicy hot chocolate.
8. DO make it clear its a date with one specific phrase. Ever been on one of those, Im-not-sure-if-its-a-date dates? If so, you know how awkward it can be as the two of you figure out who likes who (and how much), whos paying (and how much)... and if youll get a kiss at the end of the night (and how much...). Avoid this by being clear its a date when you ask. The best thing to say? Id like to take you out to... If there is a chance she might be confused about your status, the phrasing should be very specific. Saying, Id like to take you out to puts a woman at ease, explains Puhn. It says its a date. It says hes paying. And it shows confidence.
The bottom line? Handle the situation of asking a woman out the same way youd handle scoring tickets to your favorite playoffs: If you were standing next to the guy who could give those tickets to you, would you make small talk and beat around the bush over the course of a few months? Would you ask your friends friend to ask for the tickets? Would you be vague about whether or not you wanted to go? Would you hand the guy your card and tell him to call you if he wanted? No, no, no and no. Youd go right to the source, be direct, and ask for what you want! It works in life, and it works in love. So try it! There are women out there right now wondering why guys never seem to ask them out. Next time, step up to the plate and be the one who does.
Amy Spencer writes for Glamour, Real Simple, and New York magazine, among other publications, and is the author of Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match
