By Our Reporter
For a long time, I held Kenyan Women in high esteem. They were my unicorns. Because back in the days, Kenya was the country that seemed like the Heaven of East Africa. It’s not until I begun to travel to Kenya and stayed over for longer periods that it suddenly hit me how Kenyan women were wildebeests in disguise. Now that the Huddah Munroe bubble has also been burst, the Vera Sidika bubble too was poked with a needle, with these taken out of the pile, I wonder if there’s anything more Kenya has to offer as far as women are concerned. I have since then come to a conclusion, backed by findings from the laboratory of social life which is experience. Here’s why Ugandan Women are far better than Kenyan Women.
1. Kenyan Women Are Ugly
A wise man once said, that there’s no ugly woman, only lazy ones. Yet when you look at all the effort that Kenyan women put in trying to be beautiful, it’s amazing that they are still ugly. With all the buckets of make-up they apply on their faces, we are shocked that that the most beautiful Kenyan woman doesn’t come close to an average Ugandan woman. Show me a Vera Sidika or a Huddah Munroe, and I will show you thousands of Ugandan girls who are far more beautiful, and devoid of plastic or fake body parts.
2. Kenyan Women Have Taken Obesity To Another Scale
Unlike in Uganda where our Nyama Choma has matooke, in Kenya, it’s always Ugali. This explains why Kenyan women have grown fat at a rate that’s alarming. Sit in a matatu while in Nairobi and you will be gasping for fresh air because of the space that’s always taken up by its obese women. In Uganda, when girls grow fat, it’s always aimed at enhancing their booties, boobs and hips. In Kenya, it’s undirected fatness. The fingers are big, the cheeks are big, the lips are wide and big, in summary-the average Kenyan woman looks like a swelling wildebeest. Whereas a normal Ugandan girl’s figure is compared to an hour glass, a Kenyan woman’s body figure is like a 2 litre soda bottle.
3. Truth be told, sex with Kenyan Women Sucks, Should Be Avoided
I thank God that I was born Ugandan and not Kenyan; above all, I thank God that I don’t have to wake up every day with no choice but to have sex with a Kenyan Woman. The Kenyan Government should levy a special tax on all Kenyan Women; this money should be used to give every Kenyan player a monthly salary for the hard work in having sex with Kenyan women. Having sex with a Kenyan woman is not a fun activity; it shouldn’t even be called romance or making love. There’s nothing fun about sex with a Kenyan woman, it’s real torture. Now I know why Kenyan men would rather have sex with donkeys, cows and chicken than with their women, it’s a much better deal. Why does sex with Kenyan women suck? Because they dry!!! The average Kenyan woman is like a Kalahari Desert. So Kenyan men have always reported penile fractures, bruises, all from the too much friction from sex with their women.
4. The Drug Epidemic of Kenyan Women is at an all-time high
While Ugandan women cook like their mothers, Kenyan women drink like their fathers. Not just those, most Kenyan women are moving chimneys. The only way to sustain a Kenyan woman at home is to stock all kinds of cigarettes, shisha and narcotics.
5. Kenyan Women are Violent, Spoilt by Feminism
When CNN referred to Kenya as a hotbed of terror, it intended to refer to Kenyan Women; it’s a mistake they realized later. Kenyan women are the kind that will kick, punch, slap, and dominate their men. Kenyan men have been relegated to speaking with soprano voices while the Kenyan women walk around wearing the pants in relationships.
6. Kenyan Women are a Fashion Disaster
Go to Nairobi; pick the best dressed Kenyan women. Come to Kampala, pick the worst dressed Ugandan women and you will soon realize the fashion disaster that is Kenyan women. You read Ugandan fashion magazines and blogs for tips on how to dress well, you read fashion recommendations from Kenyan blogs and magazines to find out which fashion disasters to avoid. You spot a Kenyan woman, and will be wondering which designer she’s wearing, only to find out that she got the curtain from her home windows and took it to the tailor to create a dress. The Kenyan Blankets and Wine event is a horror event, the Ugandan version is like the Paris Fashion week.
7. Nothing is as rare as love from a Kenyan Woman
Factor in the moral inflation figures, Kenyan women have not been taught to love neither have they experienced what it means to give out love. It’s easier to find a heart-broken Kenyan man than one who can comfortably praise his woman for her love. The only reason why Ugandan women end up taking all the Kenyan men is because love from Ugandan women is still pure, it’s undefiled by standards. At least in Uganda, a woman will appreciate when a man goes out of his way to provide for her. Kenyan women have this deeply embedded self-entitlement. In Kenya men are not boyfriends or husbands anymore but sponsors.
8. The IQ levels of Kenyan Women are really lacking
It’s much easier to hold an intellectual conversation with a Ugandan woman than a Kenyan woman. If you compare the most searched things on Google between a Kenyan and a Ugandan woman, you will be shocked. For the same query, a Kenyan woman will write a 20 long sentence; “Dear Google, kwani I be wondering, how do I cook good Ugali for my Kisii boyfriend and also make sure he finishes the food.” A Ugandan woman will instead write; “Best Recipes for Chicken Biryani.” While the average Ugandan woman knows a thing or two about philosophers such as Marcus Aurelius, Kenyan women are more troubled by the meaning of Eric Omondi’s jokes.
9. Kenyan Women are the worst road drivers
Time and again, you will see photos on Facebook of Kenyan women drivers doing the most unexpected of things. They are the kind of drivers who will never look into their side mirrors; they are the kind that has no idea about checking on the oil and water levels of a car. A Ugandan woman is comfortable driving a stick-shaft, for a Kenyan woman, it’s automatic all the way.
10. Married Kenyan Women have abandoned their roles as wives
In Kenya, the maids do all the work. The maids cook the food, the maids sing the husbands to sleep, the maids breastfeed the children. Nothing is as replaceable as a Kenyan wife. In Uganda, once one gets a wife, the wife will wake up early in the morning, make breakfast for the husband, and prepare the children for school. She will then do some house management and head to work. At 5pm strictly, a Ugandan woman will rush home, prepare a meal for the husband, and later on take a shower and show up in the best lingerie for her man. In Kenya, forget all that, a woman will come back from work in the wee hours of the night while reeking of alcohol. She will then command her man to push up to his side of the bed, without showering, the Kenyan woman will get into the bed, wake up, rush to work without doing any chore at home. Apparently, putting a ring on a Kenyan woman is a massive waste of time, there’s no return on investment.
Till next time, follow us on Twitter: @bigeyeug we shall soon be releasing “10 Reasons why Ugandan Men are Better than Kenyan Men.”
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