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What would you do if you were ME!

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by Shishi, Feb 12, 2008.

  1. Shishi

    Shishi JF-Expert Member

    #1
    Feb 12, 2008
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    I was in a rship with this guy for close to 3yrs. we had our share of ups and downs. though i wanted to marry him, i was afraid coz he was not open and we always had problems communicating.our rship hit the rocks due to this, he always came out defensive on very important issues about the future. So i chose to move on with my life, we didnt break up, i moved to a different city, a couple of months after i had moved, a friend of mine told me that he was getting married. I wanted to die to say the least. it was painful but i survived. now three months after he got married, he started writing to me, he apologised alot and told me how he regrets everything, that he married a woman he does not love and that he wants a second chance,anyway, to cut the story short, the wife has already left. He thinks we have a chance to make things work again. Please advice me,what wd u do if you were in my shoes. Confused!
     
  2. o

    omba Member

    #2
    Feb 12, 2008
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    Do you really love him? i mean from your heart?
    If yes, we all human beings sometimes do mistakes.Give him another chance.
    I think he got married because you where far away from him and poor communication.
    as long as he knew he was not fair for you and apologise for you forgive him.
    Forget the past,try to make your future
     
  3. Quemu

    Quemu JF-Expert Member

    #3
    Feb 12, 2008
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    Ukumbi wa siasa naona unichanganya sana. Hebu ngoja nijaribu mambo ya mapenzi...lol

    Anyway....

    Shishi,
    Naona una mtihani mkubwa sana.

    Swali Muhimu
    Ilikuwaje akaweza kusonga mbele haraka hivyo mpaka kufikia hatua ya kuoa?

    Vipengele Muhimu
    1. Umesema kwamba hamkuachana bali ulihamia mji mwingine.
    2. Na kwamba miezi (sio mwaka) michache baadaye ukapata taarifa kwamba anajiandaa kufunga pingu za maisha na msichana mwingine.
    3. Miezi 3 baada ya kuoa akaanza kutafuta njia ya kukurudia kwa kisingizio kwamba anajuta kwa kuoa msichana mwingine.

    Mtazamo wangu
    Ukijaribu kuainisha kati ya swali muhimu na vipengele muhimu nilivyoambatanisha, basi utaona kwa macho makavu kabisa ni nini ningefanya kama ningevaa viatu vyako.
     
  4. o

    omba Member

    #4
    Feb 12, 2008
    Joined: Feb 12, 2008
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    Mhhhhhhhhhhhh
    mawasiliano ni kitu muhmu sana kwa kila binadamu,
    Hili swala la kutokujuliana hali wakati kila mmoja yuko mbali na upeo wa macho ya mwenzie ndio kikwazo na sumu ya mapenzi.
     
  5. Shishi

    Shishi JF-Expert Member

    #5
    Feb 12, 2008
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    Ni kweli mtihani mgumu and i have alot of answered questions, also its difficult to change someone so japo bado nampenda, am afraid that it will be history repeating itself.
     
  6. jn

    jn Member

    #6
    Feb 12, 2008
    Joined: Feb 10, 2008
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    I have had a similar experience - although jamaa wangu didnt marry someone else but he almost did. akaniambia he "came to his senses" and decided to come back to me. he proposed to me(in the most romantic way, down on his knees, with the most amaizing ring:)! I was in love with him and so i went back to him but after 3 months i realised nothing had changed. all the problems were still there. we broke up and that was the best decision i ever made.

    anyway, to answer your question.. these are the questions i would be asking myself:
    1. You initially had communication problems, have these now improved?
    2. Is he now ready to talk about important issues which involve your future?
    3. Why does he NOW thinks your relationship can work? what has changed?

    Dont jump into the relationship without being 110% sure that you have covered all areas of concern. dont let "love" cloud your judgement. be honest and realistic about your relationship.

    By the way, is he now divorced? was it a Christian marriage?
     
  7. Quemu

    Quemu JF-Expert Member

    #7
    Feb 12, 2008
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    Omba,
    Ni kweli kabisa mawasiliano ni kiungo muhimu katika kila aina ya mahusiano.

    Pengine tumuulize Shishi - Je mawasiliano kati yao yalikuwa vipi baada ya yeye kuhama mji?
     
  8. Quemu

    Quemu JF-Expert Member

    #8
    Feb 12, 2008
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    Well, if you really would like to consider any possibilities of taking him back, then you would at least need to have your serious questions, not just answered, clearly answered...neither ambiguities nor parables need to be tolerated.
     
  9. M

    MzalendoHalisi JF-Expert Member

    #9
    Feb 12, 2008
    Joined: Jun 24, 2007
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    Yaani kazi sana!

    Ni mambo tu ya mapenzi-- kama amejishusha na kuomba msamaha, mkubalie, kwanza mkapime ndo mfunge ndoa!

    Unajua hapa wewe una advantage, na hii ni bahati yako ya kuolewa!

    Kama amekuomba msamaha, usimnyanyase kwa hayo yaliyotokea, vuka hicho kikwazo kwa kumwonyesha upendo wa dhati!

    Pia mkatalie, hakuna sex hadi siku ya arusi!!

    Je Mwislam au Mkristo?
     
  10. Shishi

    Shishi JF-Expert Member

    #10
    Feb 12, 2008
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    Ahsanteni sana kwa ushauri wenu so far,
    Nilipohamia mji mwingine we didnt communicate,kwa sababu nilikuwa nimeamua kuendelea with my life, nilipopata habari za ndoa, i confronted him, i think anyone wd have done the same, i wanted to get a closure and give him a piece of my mind, which even made it worse, kwa sababu uchungu ulizidi, so eventually i decided to let go. sasa tangu aanze kuapologise he writes and calls very oftenly. we have talked more in the last couple of months than we ever did in the 3yrs. i havent seen him for over a year. Sisi wote waislamu. bado he's not divorced but he says hamtaki kabisa.i know it is also difficult if not impossible to change a person's behaviour, anasema kuwa he's working on being more open.
     
  11. o

    omba Member

    #11
    Feb 12, 2008
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    mpaka mupime kwanza,mukishajuana afya zenu na kuona zinafanana munaweza kufanya mapenzi tena huku mukisubiri harusi yenu.
    kwani kama tunavyojua harusi inahitaji fedha na kujiandaa.


    Kama rafiki yako ni mwislam njia ni nyeupe kabisa kukuoa tena wewe kwani wenzetu kwa imani yao kuoa na kuacha ni halali ikihalalishwa.


    kama ni mkristu sasa itabidi utumie utashi mwenyewe either kufuata ya dunia (kuolewa naye) au kuachana naye na kutafuta mtu mwingine asiyewahi kuoa.
    Hapo nadhani unanielewa kwani wakristu wanaamini ndoa ni moja tu mpaka kifo kitenganishe ndoa hiyo.

    Na wewe umesema wameachana na bado yuko hai.

    Tuliza kichwa analyse hizi points,Umeshika makali wakati yeye kashika mpini kwa sasa
     
  12. jn

    jn Member

    #12
    Feb 12, 2008
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    if i were you i wouldnt involve myself with him until i know he is free to love again. i think you still love him alot so keep the communication going and see what happens. you need to forgive him even though - it will give you a peace of mind. please make sure you are strong emotionally before making a decision. i am sorry if this is rude to ask... but how old is he? and you?
     
  13. Shishi

    Shishi JF-Expert Member

    #13
    Feb 12, 2008
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    I am 31 he's 39. I forgave him, i had to move on, and when he apologised my pain eased instantly, japo its very difficult to forget, nina hofu the past will haunt us, utawezaje kusahau when somebody hurt u soo much, somebody who claimed and still claims to love u? kweli nakubali if he wants me back,i will be the one calling the shots this time around. najaribu sana kumwelewa and get to the bottom of the matter. and so am not rushing into making a decision.
     
  14. o

    omba Member

    #14
    Feb 12, 2008
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    Kumbe bado yuko naye na hajamuacha !!
    Sasa kama kweli anakupenda wewe compared to her kwa nini hamuachi???
    Au kwa sababu wote ni waislamu nawe una chance ya kuwa mke wa pili kwa imani ya kidini ndio maana anataka murudiane.

    Pamoja na yote aliyokufanyia kwa kipindi chote hicho hata akaoa bila wewe kujua,kuna mazuri pia alikufanyia ambayo hata mwenyewe unayakumbuka na hutayasau.

    kwa wanawake kuna udhaifu mmoja kwenye mapenzi kukimbilia kuolewa kwa sababu labda umri unakwenda au kutaka jina tu la kuwa nina mume bila kufikiria kuwa ndoa yahitaji kuridhiana.
    Hii ina maana gani!!
    Huyo mke ambaye anaye mpaka sasa hataki kumuacha kuna sababu nyingine tu inayofanya wasiachane na siyo mapenzi ya kweli,
    Labda rafikiyo alirubuniwa kwa namna moja au nyingine ili amuoe pasipo kujuana tabia na kwa muda mfupi.
    Sasa mwanamke alipotimiza haja yake ya kuolewa haoni tena haja ya kumtosheleza rafikiyo kimapenzi tena kwani si ni mke tayari???

    Na ndoa kwa mwanaume ni mapenzi ,anapoyakosa ndio anakumbuka kumbe makosa makubwa aliyofanya ya kukuacha wewe uliyempenda kwa dhati.

    Bado una nafasi nzuri tu ya kukaa na kuongea naye na kuyamaliza kwani uwezekano wa kuoana upo kama unampenda kweli hata uke wenza maadam dini inaruhusu.

    Kwa sasa sikushauri utafute mwingine kabla hujamalizana naye ukapima uzito uko wapi,kwani unaweza ukaruka moshi na kukanyaga moto
     
  15. Shishi

    Shishi JF-Expert Member

    #15
    Feb 12, 2008
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    he's not yet divorced kwa sababu the mama was preg. so kwa kidini huwezi kumwacha mke akiwa mjamzito. to give a short chronology, harusi Jan 07, May 07 jamaa akanza kujuta na kunitafuta, Nov 2007 mke karudi kwao, mtoto kazaliwa sasa so am waiting to see what he's going to do next.
     
  16. Kana-Ka-Nsungu

    Kana-Ka-Nsungu JF-Expert Member

    #16
    Feb 12, 2008
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    Waswahili hatuachanagi, huwa tunatengana tu kwa muda, tunapeana break kwa maana nyingine. Mara ngapi wazee wenzangu mkikutana na makoloni yenu ya zamani 'mnakumbushiana' kama kawa? same applies kwa kina dada.
    Wewe dadangu unaonekana bado unampenda huyu mshkaji na ulikuwa unamtingishia kiberiti tu uone reaction yake lakini yeye akakupa za kichwa-'mtu zima hatishiwi nyau',its obvious uliumia sana alipooa.Kama kweli ulikua na nia ya kukimbia mbali naye wala hata asingejua pale ulipo, ulipaswa hata namba ya simu ubadilishe ili kumsahau kabisa au hata simu zake usipokee. Ushauri wangu kwako ni 'usiunyime moyo wako kitu unataka',utaja kufa buree kwa ugonjwa wa moyo. Break yenu imeisha sasa-kula kichwa hicho dada usijejuta baadae!
     
  17. Yunic

    Yunic Senior Member

    #17
    Feb 13, 2008
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    Shishi girl,

    Move on with your life. I realize you may still have feelings for this guy, but trust me...nothing has changed. There are some men who enjoy having control over women/a woman, and they would do anthing to regain the control that they fear to have lost.

    Why I am saying this? Well...
    1. You moved to another city. This showed your independence, and hence his loss of control.
    2. He got married after a few months. Why? Because he probably wanted to make you jealous, angry and hurt you for moving away.
    3. You confronted him (I'm sure he expected this), but the outcome....You moved on with your life. So what does he do? Well, he puts one and one together to calculate his odds, and he realises that he loves you more than his current wife. The only thing left to do is to get you back...hence the constant phone calls....and honey ONCE YOU PICK UP THE PHONE...you are a done deal. Because all the feelings will come pouring out, and eventually, you will take him back.

    So, if you really love this guy, and you don't really mind being the 2nd wife (if he doesn't divorce the 1st wife), then I wish you well.

    BUT

    If you are not sure of your feelings for him. Just don't pick up the phone!! I do apologize if I've stepped out of line somewhere. Peace :)
     
  18. M

    MzalendoHalisi JF-Expert Member

    #18
    Feb 13, 2008
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    Shish,

    Wewe you are at 31 and you need to get married- wewe hii ni bahati yako- wala usisubiri zaidi- hakuna guarantee kuwa ukisubiri watamiminika wanaume kibao!

    Kumbuka pia umri wako wa kuzaa watoto!

    Kama unampenda- wewe msamehe, na uolewe, iwe mke mdogo au la!

    Asikudanyage mtu- hii ni bahati umepata na usiichezee! Wako walioona nafasi kama hizi wakaziacha na leo miaka nenda rudi, hawajaolewa na wako 40 sasa!

    Hakuna mtu perfect, na hata ukisubiri huna guarantee ya kumpata perfect zaidi!
     
  19. Yunic

    Yunic Senior Member

    #19
    Feb 13, 2008
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    Mzalendohalisi, nayosema ni kweli, LAKINI BASI.....

    While it's true that at 31, the biologocal clock is ticking, but it shouldn't be the determining factor of your life in the sense that, a woman should not simply push to get married because "The chance is right here, and right now".

    Believe me Shishi, there are lots of fish out there, and the ocean is endless. Why settle for Papa while you could have Changu, Shrimp, etc?

    Remember, this guy hurt you before. He may hurt you again. But that's a chance and a decision that you alone will have to make. We are talking about your love, your heart, and your life. Think hard before making any haste decisions.

    Happy Valentine's Day.:)
     
  20. Richard

    Richard JF-Expert Member

    #20
    Feb 13, 2008
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    Hi Shishi,

    Briefly you have had a relationship with your hubby for three good years.

    Secondly, you have shared ups and downs although in between you (yourself) felt that the clock is ticking and you wanted total commitment from him by getting married together.

    Thirdly, you say he was afraid (to commit himself) by getting married to you, he was not open.

    And finaly you say he had problems to communicate with you.

    My advice to you is, because he had wasted your time for three years, it is the time now for to concentrate with your life you have chosen now in the new city you moved to.

    But if you feel like being his wife and give him second chance there is a 50-50 chance of happy marriage between you two.

    So, you either act like Halle Berry, Jenifer Lopez or Salma Hayek who tried for babies when they are in between 35-45 and there might be a chance for you to have a baby, which is not a good option.

    Otherwise acting like mother Theresa style of life will end you with nothing but childless.
     
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