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Very Important Notice To All Employees?

Discussion in 'Jokes/Utani + Udaku/Gossips' started by Kana-Ka-Nsungu, Mar 16, 2008.

  1. Kana-Ka-Nsungu

    Kana-Ka-Nsungu JF-Expert Member

    Mar 16, 2008
    Joined: Oct 4, 2007
    Messages: 2,260
    Likes Received: 11
    Trophy Points: 135

    Company Policy: Effective from January 2008

    Dress Code
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according
    to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and
    carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you Are doing well
    financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you
    dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
    better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore
    you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you
    are right where you need to be and therefore you do
    not need a raise.?

    Sick Days
    We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof
    of sickness. If You are able to go to the doctor, you
    are able to come to work.?

    Personal Days
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
    They are called Saturday & Sunday.?

    Bereavement Leave
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
    you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
    Every effort should be made to have non-employees
    attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
    employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
    be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
    allow you to work through your lunch hour and
    subsequently leave one hour early.?

    Toilet Use (This is my fave!)
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
    There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
    stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
    sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
    stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
    After your second offence, your picture will be posted
    on the company bulletin board under the Chronic
    offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the
    picture will be sanctioned under the companys mental
    health policy.?

    Lunch Break
    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
    to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal
    size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
    meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people
    get 5 minutes for lunch, because thats all the time
    needed to drink a Slim-Fast.?

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
    to provide a positive employment experience.
    Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
    complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
    allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
    should be directed elsewhere.?

    The Management (Of course!!!)