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Uhusiano kati na mzazi na mtoto wa kumzaa: Madhara ya kuzaa nje ya ndoa

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by WomanOfSubstance, Mar 10, 2011.

  1. WomanOfSubstance

    WomanOfSubstance JF-Expert Member

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    Binti na baba yake!


    "You find nothing wrong about what we are doing?" I asked, not wanting to look at him in the face. I was glad that the room was not very well lit.
    "No sweetheart and neither should you, this has been done throughout history, I know many people who do it," he said, his fingers insistently rubbing between my legs.
    "I'm sexually attracted to you," I said, tears welling up in my eyes because I knew that meant there was something really wrong with me.
    "I'm sexually attracted to you too," he whispered as he opened his mouth wide.
    "Do you have a boyfriend," he asked kneeing my thighs apart. I reacted instinctively.
    "No."
    "And what will happen when you get one?" he asked placing a hand on my neck and putting enough pressure for it to be threatening.
    "Daddy will be mad," I said a sob choking me.
    "And...?" he coaxed easing the pressure of the hand and fingering me where his knee had been.
    "And he won't love me anymore."
    "Yes my darling, he won't love you anymore," he whispered as poised to enter me. It was soon over and he was shuddering on top of me and telling me I was "Daddy's little girl". I turned on my side and we spooned and he ran his hands on my stomach.
    My name is Bridget* and I have had sex with my father on 12 different occasions. The first sexual encounter did not culminate in actual intercourse. I was 16 and I had known my father for less than a month when he first touched me inappropriately. I cried and threatened to call my mother and he let me go. He was not trying to rape me; he wanted to have sex with me. I avoided him for four years after that because I was afraid, but having spent my childhood craving a father like friends had, I agreed to meet him again when I was 20. He was bringing my sister with him and I felt I would be safe. I was wrong.
    The first time we had sex was outside his car, on the beach. I was drunk, having developed a binge-drinking habit soon after I met my father. Allowing myself to sleep with my father filled me with self-loathing. But he had withdrawn himself from me in the four years I had avoided him and I was desperate for him to love me. I believed sleeping with him would make him love me. And later, he told me it did.
    It became a pattern, my father would disappear from my life, being perfunctory when I called him, not answering my emails and basically giving me the impression I had done something to displease him. By the time he called again I was so starved for some fatherly affection I would always allow him to come and visit, even when I knew all he wanted was to have sex with me.
    While I was unemployed my father found me at my most vulnerable state. It was the year of my 26th birthday and we engaged in what can only be described as a romantic relationship. He took me to places nobody would know us and we acted as boyfriend and girlfriend. He also would take me to his home, a place which although he claimed I was welcome; he never encouraged me to frequent. Twice my father had sex with me in his private bathroom while his wife was in the kitchen. Another time, while returning from a night out with his friends, he parked a block from his house and we had sex in his sister's car.
    Not once have I felt that my father was raping me, but I knew what was happening was wrong and I wished it to stop, but I chose to endure it because I wanted a father in my life. An important man in his career industry my father has promised to help me find work every time I told him I wished we would stop having sex. No job has ever materialised.
    It was earlier this year, 2010, when I got a chance to chat with my half-sister again; she is also my father's illegitimate child from an extramarital affair. I was on my way to meet my father for yet another of our sexual encounters. She and my father had been estranged for a couple of years and I wanted to understand this from her perspective. She told me that since she began to live with my father (an arrangement her mother had allowed because my father could send her to a good school) he had systematically sexually abused her. She said she was afraid to tell anyone because he always made it feel like it was something she wanted too. She said the reason she was telling me was because my father had boasted that I was a much better lover than she was. He had used me to taunt her when she begged him to stop, so she made the decision to never see him or, when unavoidable, not to be alone with him.
    My sister's story saved me. I confronted my father and realised he felt no remorse, nor did he think he had done anything wrong. That he believed he had the right to have sex with his children gave me the push I needed to say no, for the first time when he wanted to take me to yet another exotic location. It has been only a few months and I know he will be trying again; I just hope and pray that this resolve holds. I feel much better not anticipating the mixed gratefulness and self-loathing I feel whenever I am with him.
    Every little girl deserves a father, but sometimes she can't have one. I am one of the unlucky, and that is ok.


    Hii ni true story ilitokea kwenye mazingira yetu ya Kiafrika.Sikujua waafrika tuna matatizo kama haya!

    Nini maoni yako?
     
  2. WomanOfSubstance

    WomanOfSubstance JF-Expert Member

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    Gugs says: ​
    Growing up with no father figure makes it hard to understand men, this i know.And getting to know him at some point is over whelming, it erases all the wishes one had as a child. But in this case this is no father, she welcomed a monster in her life. How does one bring her self to appreciate men, and have a normal relationship with them when you have had such experiences.Its like trying to learn a very difficult subject that you have no idea of how you are going to understand it even. But its wickedness taking advantage of vulnerable people like this. But who is to blame? The father? Bridget for allowing it for ten years of her life?? Why can a woman allow something like that repeat once more... ​
    16 February 11​



    jean says: ​
    this story is amazing im now 20 and i went through the same thing just after my 15th birthday and i onlt met my farther for the first time about 3 months before, i have only ever told my best friend what really happened and im trying to decide if i should tell the police or not because the situation is so different and im not sure many people would understand and the ignorance of glenda and jan just make me not want to tell the police what my farther did. ​
    18 February 11​



    Jolly Mugisha says: ​
    This is crazy! We make a mistake once, twice but three times? No, No No!this is unbelievable and totally unacceptable especially in this era when women around the world are struggling for social political- recognition. I know all wrongs are always blamed on women worldover because of stereotype socialisation process. But surely a twenty six old woman to hold on to a father who was exploiting her sexually is total madnes! In Uganda today because of wars and HIV, women as young as 20 are widowed and they strive to live regardles of povety,social disrimination and unfovorable legal system but they do not have to have sex with their fathers in order to be finacially supported. please try self esteem next time. To my dear fathers, please you surely can have as much sex as your big appetite can accommodate without getting it from your childern. Shame on You!!!! ​
    26 February 11​



    tapiwa says: ​
    2 thumbs up for brigdet. telling her story was the most sensible thing to do. i hope it helps other women out there who are facing such similar situations. women should know that it is their onus to emancipate themselves from such inhuman circumstances. ​
    08 March 11​



    tapiwa says: ​
    2 thumbs up for brigdet. telling her story was the most sensible thing to do. i hope it helps other women out there who are facing such similar situations. women should know that it is their onus to emancipate themselves from such inhuman circumstances. ​
    08 March 11​



    Tien Lee says: ​
    I think some lady will laugh after read this story ,I think they had the same thouhght with me ..that's a mental woman I ever see .. sic ​
    09 March 11​



    Mumba says: ​
    surely this must have been the devil at work if this aint fiction. Bridget or whoever u a, yo not supposed to sleep with your father all in the name of gaining the fathers love. that guy is doomed. how dare could he sleep with two daughters. i bet we need prayers! ​
    09 March 11​
     
  3. The Boss

    The Boss JF-Expert Member

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    Umeitoa wapi hii wos?
     
  4. Michelle

    Michelle JF-Expert Member

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    :A S 13::A S 13::A S 13: this is another painful story...i wish all gals could have the courage to say no to sexual abuse.....and report it early!!!

    sometimes you need something so much that it can even kill you....i do not know how all this can be prevented...because most of the time those who are abused keep this as their bitter secrets.....i real do not know....maybe we should teach our children at a very young age about sexual abuse and encourage them to share with us if it happens......GOD FORBID!!!
     
  5. WomanOfSubstance

    WomanOfSubstance JF-Expert Member

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    We acha tu! kwenye mihangaiko tu Boss

    t is painful indeed!
    I used to wonder how does an incestuous relationship start! Now we have some hints....
     
  6. The Boss

    The Boss JF-Expert Member

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    yaani nimesoma hiyo story nimesikia kinyaa hivi....

    na ghadhabu hivi...

    watu wasio timamu ni wengi sana...
     
  7. Mzee Mwanakijiji

    Mzee Mwanakijiji Platinum Member

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    Kama kuna baadhi ya mambo ambayo yanaweza kusumbua mahusiano ya familia ni mahusiano kati ya baba na mtoto wake wa kike aliyebalehe au anayeleekea balehe. Nimewahi kuona kwa karibu kabisa mahusiano yenye "mashaka" kati ya baba msomi, na mhandishi wa ngazi za juu tu kwenye idara moja na binti yake wa kumzaa; sijui ilifikia wapi lakini kwa macho yangu nilimuona akimchezea matiti kiuchokozi - mwenyewe akiona kama kitu cha kuchekesha!

    Mahusiano haya yanaanza mara nyingi mikononi mwa baba mwenyewe na mara chache yataanzia mikononi mwa binti. Kutoka kwa baba mara nyingi ni tamaa ya kile ambacho baadhi ya watu wanakiita "kula matunda ya mti wako mwenyewe" wakijaribu kuhalalisha kwa maneno ya kizugaji (euphemism). Kwa upande wa binti mambo yanaweza kuwa ni sawa na hilo la kutoka mapenzi "ya baba" lakini baadhi ya vita ambavyo nimekutana navyo ni cha binti ambaye aliona kuwa angeweza kuziba "pengo lililoachwa na mama" kwa kujipenyeza chumbani kwa babake na kujilengesha.

    Katika maisha yanayoendelea sasa hivi kwa kile ambacho watu wengine wanafikiria ni maendeleo baba anakuwa ni permissive kiasi cha kutokujali binti zake wanakaaje na wanavaaje mbele zake akiamini kwa kufanya hivyo anaonesha "malezi ya kisasa". Pasipo kuwa mwangalifu baba anaanza kumuangalia binti yake kwa macho ya mwanamme mwingine na asipojiangalia au asipokosolewa mara moja anaweza kutafuta kisingizio cha kufanya mshiko usioruhusiwa (inappropriate touching) kama kumbatio la aibu n.k

    Ni muhimu basi kwa jinsi binti wanavyokua na kukomaa kuweza kujua mapema mipaka ambayo haifai kuvukwa. Kwa mfano, binti ambaye amekomaa na ambaye anajua maana ya ashki kujipakatisha kwa baba yake wakati kalewa (au hata asipolewa) ni prelude of a disaster.

    Hapa basi ndio yanakuja wajibu wa mama kutambua kuwa ni muhimu kumsahihisha mtoto wa kike anayekomaa kujua vitu gani asifanye au asivae vipi mbele ya babake. Katika mila za kwetu hiki kiliitwa 'adabu'. Neno adabu kumbe lilikuwa linamaanisha heshima mbele ya mzazi au mtu mkubwa ambayo hudaiwa kwa sababu hiyo.

    Ndio maana zamani hakuna kitu ambacho kilimfanya mtoto aonekane mtukutu kama kuambiwa "hana adabu".

    Hivyo, ni jukumu la baba, mama, binti na hata kaka (na hapa hatujaenda kwenye hili kwani yapo mahusiano ya mapenzi ya kina kaka na dada vile vile) kujiangalia kutofanya nini na wafanye nini kwa viip ili wasije "wakaingia majaribuni" .
     
  8. Nyani Ngabu

    Nyani Ngabu Platinum Member

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    Vipi na wale wanaonza na watoto wao wakiwa na umri kabla ya kubalehe na kuvunja ungo? Ni ugonjwa ama? Maana kasichana ka miaka 3 au 4 katakuvutia kwa lipi wewe jibaba zima na midevu yako?

    Au jimama zima unaanza kumshikashika uumeni mvulana wa miaka 5!!!

    Nadhani kuna wengine huwa wanasumbuliwa na ugonjwa kichwani.
     
  9. WomanOfSubstance

    WomanOfSubstance JF-Expert Member

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    Una haki kabisa kujisikia hivyo Boss

    Asante MMKJJ
    Kweli mahusiano haya ni kama jinamizi baya lisiloisha. Sipati picha mama wa binti anajiskia vipi kujua kwamba mtoto anaelewa utupu wa baba yake uliomsababishia aletwe duniani! Hapo hajafikiria mengine kama mambo nyeti yahusuyo kitendo kizima! Mama ataweweseka kujua kuwa mwanaye ameshamuona hadi kwenye utupu siyo baba tu bali hata mama!Ni dhambi kubwa jamani.

    Malezi nayo ni kitu cha kuangalia sana.Ukiangalia kisa hiki, baba hakuwepo kwenye malezi ya binti muda wote na hivyo kuwafanya wote wakose ile fursa ya kujenga bond/ukaribu wa baba na mwana na matokeo yake wanakuja kuonana kama "mwanamke" na "mwanaume" - hapo nani wa kulaumiwa? Mama aliyemzaa binti? baba aliyepandikiza mbegu kisha akatoweka? HAYA ni maswali magumu kwa maana mtoto anazaliwa na kujikuta kwenye mazingira hayo tayari.



    Hatuwezi kutokutambua wagonjwa wa akili miongoni mwetu hata kama bado hawajalazwa wodi za vichaa.Na kwa siku hizi magonjwa ya akili ni mengi sana kuliko tunavyofikiria.
     
  10. Lizzy

    Lizzy JF-Expert Member

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    WoS sidhani kama kukosekana kwa baba wakati wa ukuaji wa binti unastahili kutumika kama sababu ya mtu kufanya hayo!Hicho ni kisingizio tu chakutaka kuhalalisha uchafu wao!Kama wangekua wamekutana bila kufahamiana hapo sawa..ila ukishaambiwa huyu ni mwanao haijalishi umemjua kwa dakika au miaka tayari kunakua na kizuizi cha kumchukulia kama mtu mwingine yeyote yule!Damu yako iko hapo tangu hajazaliwa na kutokumjua kwa muda mrefu hakubadilishi hilo!Ni watu tu wanaongozwa na tamaa za kidunia!
     
  11. RR

    RR JF-Expert Member

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    Katika mazingira ya aina yoyote.....baba hawezi kukwepa lawama zote......damn this!
     
  12. C

    Chupaku JF-Expert Member

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    Aaarggghh, hii inatia hasira. Ila mambo haya hata Bongo yapo sana. Sijui huwa baba anaanzaje....wengine huwa wanalipa kisasi kwa mama za watoto hao labda wamegombana au wameachana.
     
  13. WomanOfSubstance

    WomanOfSubstance JF-Expert Member

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    Kisasi hiki kwnini kielekezwe kwa mtoto?
     
  14. Masaki

    Masaki JF-Expert Member

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    Malezi ya kisasa yanaweza kupelekea baba na bintiye kuvuka mipaka. Unakuta baba anampakata binti yake ambaye ameshapevuka eti kisa hawajaonana muda mrefu. Daddy's little girl.....Wanasahau kwamba jinsia tofauti huvutana!
     
  15. Sidanganyiki10

    Sidanganyiki10 Member

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    WOS,
    What a sad and thought provoking story! It is quite a pity that it is true. Personally I have gained quite an insight from contribution from MMKJ especially on this aspect and I quote "malezi ya kisasa". Pasipo kuwa mwangalifu baba anaanza kumuangalia binti yake kwa macho ya mwanamme mwingine na asipojiangalia au asipokosolewa mara moja anaweza kutafuta kisingizio cha kufanya mshiko usioruhusiwa (inappropriate touching) kama kumbatio la aibu n.k"end of quote.
    It is true that today's fathers have a real dilemma in their hands. How to treat the girl child, especially when there is a marked degree of "conflicting cultural personification” As a father striking the right balance in the way we relate to the girl child is not always easy. Here the mother has a very important role to play. That of defining what is appropriate and what is not to both the father and the girl child.
    Girl children born out of wedlock and not living or not knowing their male parent have a particularly hard time in their subsequent relationships with them. This is partly because of the overwhelming sense of deprivation of parental love and approval. Also it is true that if the male parent is present in the process of growing up of the girl child, bonds that define their relationship are born and strengthened hence WOS you are right in observing “baba hakuwepo kwenye malezi ya binti muda wote na hivyo kuwafanya wote wakose ile fursa ya kujenga bond/ukaribu wa baba na mwana na matokeo yake wanakuja kuonana kama "mwanamke" na "mwanaume" When the father is active and present in the girl child’s upbringing the bonds thus created generally keep the girl child in the fathers’ psyche as the unchanged “little girl”
    I understand that this is a very contentious true story and is likely to evoke very differing points of view however it avails us all an opportunity to reflect and re-examine our own understanding in the roles we play. In our families and in our society.

    N.B
    If you are a parent I recommend for you to read a book by Dr. Thomas Harris entitled
    I’m OK- You’re OK
     
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