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Turejee kwenye mambo ya ndoa: Mapenzi Vs Maslahi wakati wa kuchagua mwenzi!

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by Dark City, Aug 11, 2012.

  1. Dark City

    Dark City JF-Expert Member

    #1
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    Ndugu wana MMU na wadau wengine wote wa jukwaa letu tukufu,

    Toka tulipoanza mwaka huu wa 2012, niliahidi kwamba nitajaribu kila ninapopata nafasi kutoa maoni na ushauri wangu wa jinsi ya kuimarisha ndoa zetu kwa wale ambao tuko ndani ya game; na pia ushauri kwa wale ambao wanatarajia/wanatamani kuungana nasi katika hii taasisi muhimu.

    Hivi karibuni, nilikuwa naongea na mjukuu wangu mmoja ambaye yuko njia panda. Yeye anataka kuoa mke yeyote atakayempenda ila ndugu na jamaa wanaomzunguka wamemshikia bango kwamba lazima atafute mchumba wa kabila lake. Yeye anapingana na ushauri huo ila bado anajiona kama vile anakosa ujasiri wa kuwakatalia ndugu zake.

    Baada ya mjadala mrefu kidogo, nilimweleza kuwa katika maandalizi ya kuingia kwenye ndoa, kuna vitu vingi ambavyo ni muhimu sana kuvipa kipaumbele cha aina yake. Miongoni mwa vitu hivyo ni mapenzi/upendo na maslahi (uzuri, elimu, kiwango cha ustaarabu, utanashati, urembo na sifa nyingine za ndani na nje ambazo mhusika anazo). Hata hivyo alishangaa nilipomueleza kuwa, watu wa enzi zetu huwa tunachukulia kuwa sifa hizo zinazoangukia kwenye kundi la maslahi ni muhimu sana kwani ndizo zinazoweza kuifanya ndoa idumu au isambaratike haraka. Nilimwambia kuwa, sie tuliamini na tunaendelea kuamini kwamba, mapenzi/upendo katika ndoa yanakuwa ya msimu ila vigezo vya maslahi (vilivyo vingi) ni vya kudumu.

    Huyu mjukuu alionekana kunishangaa pamoja na kumweleza kuwa hii imani yetu ina backing from natural theories za biology kwani kila kiumbe kinaangalia sifa ambazo zinatakiwezesha kuacha mbegu zake duniani; tena katika hali ya kushinda ushindani katika mazingira yake.

    Kutokana na jinsi huyu mjuu wangu alivyobaki mdomo wazi, nimeonelea nilete hili jambo hapa ili kama wapo wanaoshangaa kama huyu mjuu wangu watoe maoni yao. Pia sitashangaa kama kutakuwa na wale ambao watanishangaa mimi pia.


    Nawapenda sana na nawatakia week end njema!!

    Babu DC!!
     
  2. mito

    mito JF-Expert Member

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    babu mi sijakuelewa hapa .....mapenzi/upendo ktk ndoa yanakuwa ya msimu ila vigezo vya maslahi (vilivyo vingi) ni vya kudumu......

    naomba ufafanue kidogo ikiwezekana weka na kamfano kadogo
     
  3. Dark City

    Dark City JF-Expert Member

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    Ndugu yangu mito,

    Linapokuja suala la ndoa....sijawahi kusikia mtu ambaye wakati wa kufunga ndoa au kabla ya hapo anayeweza kusema kuwa hampendi mwenzi wake...Hata hivyo, wapo watu wengi ambao ndani ya week moja baada ya kufunga ndoa, wanakiri kwa vinywa vyao kwamba hawakuwa na mapenzi ya dhati kwa wenzi wao..... Ndio maana, ni jambo la kawaida sana kukuta wapenzi wakitembea barabarani na vicheko njuu huku wanandoa wanatembea wakiwa wamenuniana utadhani hawakulala kitanda kimoja!!

    Ila kwa wale ambao wamechukulia mambo katika ujumla wake wakati wa kudate, huwa wanaweza kujipa moyo kwani bado wanakuwa na vitu vya kuwafanya wajipe moyo na kuendelea kuishi kwenye ndoa zao!

    Babu DC!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2016
  4. mito

    mito JF-Expert Member

    #4
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    From this perspective sasa nimekupata vizuri, thanks
     
  5. Dark City

    Dark City JF-Expert Member

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    Ahsante mkuu,

    Umeshawahi kujiuliza, kwa nini vibabu (hata ambavyo vimeshachakaa kiasi cha kutoweza kufanya mambo ya unyumba) bado huendelea kushikamana kama mapacha? Au inapotokea bibi akafariki, hata babu huwa hawezi kuishi muda mrefu zaidi??

    Babu DC!!
     
  6. Dark City

    Dark City JF-Expert Member

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    Wewe daughter mbona unajificha?

    Kura yako iko kwenye mapenzi/upendo (love) au maslahi??

    Babu DC!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2016
  7. mito

    mito JF-Expert Member

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    Hapana mkuu sijawahi jiuliza, huwa naichukulia simple tu kwamba ni kwa sababu they have been together for such a long time to establish a strong bond
    Nawaona sana huku ughaibuni wako kama kumbikumbi vile, wanakokotana usipime. Hebu nijuze zaidi mkuu ili niwe curious nao zaidi
     
  8. Fixed Point

    Fixed Point JF Bronze Member

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    Babu DC asante kwa mada..............
    ni kweli kama ulivyosema maslahi yanaplay part kubwa. ila hapo kwenye red labda ni bahati mbaya tu hujawahi sikia, lakini nakuhakikishia kuwa huwa yanatokea na hii inatokana na jamii inayokuzunguka ikikushinikiza kuoa/olewa na mtu ambao wanadhani kuwa anakufaa.
    kuna rafiki yangu mkaka, alioa mdada ambaye hampendi, kwa vile tu alikuwa anapendwa sana na mama yake. mama akambembeleza sana kijana wake amuoe huyo dada. kwa vile alikuwa rafiki yangu sana, alinisimulia hicho kisa kabla hajaoa, tukajadili kwa kirefu lakini ikaonekana kwamba inabidi amridhishe mama yake kwa vile mama alikuwa mgonjwa sana na alikuwa anakaribia kufariki (RIP). yule kaka niliongea naye sana na kumsihi aoe lakini ajifunze kumpenda huyo dada maana asipofanya hivyo hali ingekuwa mbaya sana kwake. Ilichukua muda mrefu sana, lakini sasa wanaishi kwa raha mustarehe, na anasema kabisa kuwa sasa anampenda mkewe.
     
  9. Dark City

    Dark City JF-Expert Member

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    Ahsante sana Fixed Point,

    Ndio maana nikasema kuwa, wale wa enzi zetu, tunaamini kuwa upande wa maslahi unabeba sehemu kubwa katika mambo ya ndoa....

    Katika hadithi yako, inaonekana mama alimsaidia kijana wake kuona yale ambayo kwa umri na uzoefu wake asingeweza kuyaona!!

    Ila pia utakubaliana nami, kwamba bado huyo kijana asingeweza kusimama mbele za watu na kusema hampendi mchumba wake (lisipokuwa kwa watu wakaribu sana naye kama wewe)?. Ila baada ya mambo kuharibika ndani ya ndoa, maneno kama hayo hutamkwa hadharani bila kujali idadi ya watu wanaomzunguka mhusika!!

    Babu DC!!
     
  10. Dark City

    Dark City JF-Expert Member

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    Hizo ndio complexity za MMU.....!!

    Na labda, umeshajiuliza kwa nini mtu akifanya kazi kwenye kampuni fulani baada ya muda mrefu huwa sehemu ya hiyo kampuni kiasi kwamba watu wanaomzunguka wanaweza kubaki kumshangaa??

    Nadhani maslahi yanapovuka mipaka yanampofusha mtu kiasi cha kusahahu vi-tofauti vidogo vidogo!!

    Wewe unaonaje?

    Babu DC!!
     
  11. Fixed Point

    Fixed Point JF Bronze Member

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    Ni kweli Dark City, ni rahisi sana kusema mbele za watu mara mambo yanapoharibika kuliko before.
    lakini tukiangalia kwa karibu kabisa, sijui logic ya ndugu wa huyo mjukuu wako kumwambia akaoe mdada wa kabila lao. kama kuna mdada wa kabila lao ambao wameshamwona na wanaona anafaa kuwa mke wa ndugu yao ni sawa, lakini kama hakuna ambaye wamem-identify, ila wanataka yeye ndo aanze kutafuta wanampa kazi kubwa sana, sipati picha anaanzia wapi........... kila akikutana na mdada ambaye anamvutia swali la kwanza liwe "kabila lako" lol!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2016
  12. Dark City

    Dark City JF-Expert Member

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    Sijui tuseme kwamba ni bahati mbaya au la, ila hata mie sikubaliani na suala la kuchagua mke kwa kutumia kigezo cha kabila kama kigezo kikuu!

    Ushauri wangu kwake ulikuwa ni kwamba aangalie vigezo mtambuka katika uwanja wa maslahi, bila kujali huyo mlengwa ni kabila gani. Na pia ajichunguze kama anachembe chembe zozote za chemistry na huyo mlengwa!!

    Mambo ya ndugu zake asiyape nafasi yoyote!!

    Babu DC!!
     
  13. Eiyer

    Eiyer JF-Expert Member

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    Babu DC,nimechoshwa na pilika za leo,Mungu akitia nguvu nitachangia kesho,wacha nichape usingizi kwanza!
     
  14. Dark City

    Dark City JF-Expert Member

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    Ahsante sana mkuu Eiyer,

    Nitafurahi sana kusikia maoni yako...

    Naona wadau wengine wamegoma kufunguka...... Maxence Melo. MadameX et al....mbona mnatubania hivyo??

    Babu DC!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2016
  15. mito

    mito JF-Expert Member

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    Yeah, you have said it all! tena sasa nimekumbuka kwani kuna siku nilitoa comment kuwashauri bachelors wa humu kwamba inabidi kujenga mahusiano na mwenzi wako kiasi kwamba ifikie mahali uone kwamba huwezi kuishi bile yeye
     
  16. Roulette

    Roulette JF-Expert Member

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    Just being in love is not enough for two people to decide to spend the rest of their lives together. It is not even enough to start a relationship! It is important, it is essential but BY NO MEAN enough!
     
  17. Purple

    Purple JF-Expert Member

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    Babu nakubaliana na wewe kabisa kua vigezo vya maslahi ni muhimu zaidi kwani ndo vinavyofanya upendo uongezeke au upungue..wakati mwingine unaweza kukutana na mtu lakini asikuvutie kabisa at first place but kadri unavyozidi kumzoea na kufahamu vigezo alivyo navyo unajikuta unampenda day by day! But wapo wanaoamini kwenye mahusiano lazima upendo uchukue nafasi kubwa zaidi kuliko maslahi, mtazamo wako katika hili ni upi babu?
     
  18. Kaunga

    Kaunga JF-Expert Member

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    Du naona ile kauli ya 'Love conquers all' imebadilika na kuwa 'maslahi conquers all'.
    Eiyer uko wapi?
    Nakubaliana na dhana hii 'mpya' lkn iongezewe na hata kijiattraction fulani ndipo ndoa ifanye kazi. Mfano, ninataka kuanzisha familia, kwa vigezo vyangu ninataka msomi (upeo wa uelewa mkubwa), aliye financial stable, dhehebu langu, kabila langu etc. Sasa hivyo vyote ni vigezo basic, ili kusiwe na shida sana kwenye ndoa, lkn kuna aina ya watu ambao navutiwa nao, mfano napenda mwanaume mrefu, mtundu ambaye atanifanya nicheke etc. So nikimpata mwenye basic sifa zile juu, na bado l am atracted to him kwa hizo extra qualities sioni jinsi gani sintampenda.

    Lkn pia, bado wale wenye upendo strong sana, ambao hauangalii hayo mambo yote; (it has to be two way though), wanaishi vizuri tu tena pengine kushinda lile kundi la kwanza. At one point mmoja anaweza akateleza, na nguvu ya kumrudisha ni upendo wake mkubwa, kama yule atakavyorudishwa na 'maslahi'. Sema couple ambao wote wana true love ni ndogo sana ukilinganisha na kundi kubwa ambalo ni maslahi+attraction driven relationship.
     
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  19. Dark City

    Dark City JF-Expert Member

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    Ahsante sana RR. Haya maneno hayawezi kutolewa na mtu ambaye bado ana njonzi za kuolewa na mume ambaye ni kama malaika.

    Ubarikiwe sana na ndoa yako idumu hadi mburuzane barabarani kama vile vibabu vya majuu.
     
  20. Dark City

    Dark City JF-Expert Member

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    Hao tuwaombee ndoto zao zitimie ingawa chance hiyo (Odds) ni ndogo sana.
     
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