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Ten Ways To Marry A Wrong Person

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by Toboamambo, Aug 27, 2008.

  1. T

    Toboamambo Member

    Aug 27, 2008
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    10 ways of marrying the wrong person

    1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married. The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after their married...for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

    2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love
    Often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character? Here are four characteristics to definitely check for: Humility: Does this person
    Believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort? Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give to charity? Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do? Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

    3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't get it. Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of the woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved. -to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent is Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal oriented especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are experience oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things will happen.

    4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goal and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with another person: a) Chemistry and compatibility b) share common interests c) share common life goal. Make sure you share a deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're living for while you are single-and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a soul mate. A soul mate is a goal mate....two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

    5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly. Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary to "test drive" in order to find out if a couple are sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

    6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have deeper emotional connection. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she motionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

    7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the
    relationship. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is
    always trying to change you. There is a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

    8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, you can't be intimate. The
    two go hand in hand.

    9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better and your future spouse will thank you.

    10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another
    relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is a classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet,
    hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in a triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You'll not be their number one
    priority. And that's not basis for a marriage.
  2. Mshiiri

    Mshiiri JF-Expert Member

    Aug 27, 2008
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    That said, life is also monitored by not ten but number of factors and whether one loves a wrong person or not is a matter of westernisation or cultural hybridisation. Site an example of our great great grandpas who married and factors where to exclude genetic diseases, etc, not siblings, etc hawakuwa na mambo ya emotions na behaviours na wala hawakuwa na uelewa wa westernisation pia divorces were not there relatively compared to this era. To me I think this is hybridisation of culture; mambo ya wageni na mambo yetu wenyewe ambayo hatuyajui na tunayaacha. We enslaving our culture so we remain cultureless people.
  3. m

    mvumilivu Member

    Aug 27, 2008
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    Umegusa penyewe. Inakera kuona watu hawajui mila na desturi zao. Kama wameamua kubadilika basi wanyamaze wasituwekee desturi za Marekani hapa. Hizo emotions, sijui maua, sijui dinner dates tuwaachie wenyew.
  4. H

    Haika JF-Expert Member

    Aug 28, 2008
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    Ni kweli tunakuwa cultureless. Inakuwaje sasa mtu unapoamua kufuata utamaduni wako wakati bado unaipenda dini yako? say uislam au ukristu ambao una asilimia kubwa ya tamaduni zinazopingana na tamaduni zetu?
    Hii kwangu ni chalenge
    Mimi naamini katika hali ya sasa mazingira nilio nayo mimi ambayo wazazi au jamii yangu hainichagulii mwenzi, ni jukumu langu kuzingatia hayo mambo hapo juu, kwa kifupi ni wa emotionally stable, happy and positive in character, kuwa na attractive personality na kumtafuta mtu amabye yuko hivyo.
    Emotions 'lust' itakuja tu baadae.
    lakini mambo ya babu zetu ya familia kumchagulia mtu mwenzi yalikuwa mazuri sana, naona yanaanza kurudi, taratibu kwani vijana wanaogopana, inabidi kujua historia ya mwenzako kwanza.
    Ni jambo zuri sana.
    na pia ni muhimu sana, lilikuwa linaleta heshima kwa jamii, jamii ilikuwa na nguvu zote za kuadhibu au kuamua hatima ya mtu.
    Kwa kweli waliishi vizuri sana babu zetu, sasa hivi ni confussion tuuuu!!!
  5. i

    inye New Member

    Aug 31, 2008
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    Nakubaliana na comments kuhusu culture... UTAMADUNI tumeusahau... je niw angapi wanaooana wanaishi katika ndoa maisha yao yote nadhani asilimia 10, wengine wanaooa na kuacha kwa sababu hakuna utamaduni wa kufahamiana kwanza, je huyu mtu unaetaka kuoa au kuolewa nae ni wa aina gani? sikuhiz tunaangalia ..je ana gari? ana nyumba? je yukoo up to date tunasahau kuangalia upande wake wa kibinadamu. ....tubadilike jamani
  6. P

    Private investigator Senior Member

    Jan 5, 2013
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    Im single but havin a son 1 yrs old, im not expectin 2 mary his mom coz among those 10 mentioned we don meet at all n she know it. bt very lonely n disapointed, i goin 2 graduate my degree 2014 n i jus wan 2 mar soon after graduatin,what should i do?
  7. Baba V

    Baba V JF-Expert Member

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    The first thing you should do is IMPROVE YOUR WRITING
  8. Karucee

    Karucee JF-Expert Member

    Jan 5, 2013
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  9. Karucee

    Karucee JF-Expert Member

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    baba V, kama nakuona na fimbo lako. I hate it too.
  10. Kiranga

    Kiranga JF-Expert Member

    Jan 5, 2013
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    Ndo hawa wanao copy paste studies za ulaya zinazosema maji ya bomba ni mazuri kuliko ya chupa, na kushawishi wabongo hivyo wakati kwetu sehemu nyingine maji ya bomba yana rangi ya juisi ya ukwaju.
  11. Kaunga

    Kaunga JF-Expert Member

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    Kuna points in the article.