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Malezi...Step Parenting.

Discussion in 'Mahusiano, mapenzi, urafiki' started by Mbu, Aug 4, 2011.

  1. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

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    [​IMG]...Maisha yanapelekea wengi wetu kujikuta tunaingia mahusiano mapya tayari tuna mtoto/watoto. Ili kuondoa ile hofu ya baba/mama wa kambo si sawa na 'mzazi'...Je? wazazi wapya (Step parent) tuna nafasi gani katika malezi na makuzi ya mtoto au watoto wa mume/mke?...

    Utamlea na kumkuza unavyotaka wewe ukimhusisha mume/mkeo, au utamhusisha (biological) pia na mzazi wake?
    Fikiria kwenye dhana ya mzazi wa kambo unavyoweza laumika/sifika kwa malezi ya mtoto/watoto hao.

    [​IMG]

    Tafakari umuhimu wa visitation rights, baba/mama kumtembelea mtoto, au kumshinikiza mtoto aende likizo kwa baba/mamake.

    Je, kipato, Imani ya dini, mila na desturi zina athari gani kwenye malezi ya mtoto/watoto hawa iwapo wazazi wanatofautiana dini, mila na desturi...?
     
  2. Mr Rocky

    Mr Rocky JF-Expert Member

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    Naomba nitafakari kwanza then nitarudi kuchangia. Ila sometimes ni ngumu sana kwa watoto na inawaathiri sana na mara nyingine huwa wale wazazi wanakuwa na malezi mazuri sana bila kujali kuwa sio mtoto wao. Na huwezi kuona tofauti yoyote kati ya watoto wa ile familia.
     
  3. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

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    ...naam bro.

    Ni jinsi ya kuzicheza hizi karata japo zinaugumu pande nyingi.
    • huenda mtoto akaleta ugumu, au
    • huenda Ex-Spouse akaleta ugumu, au
    • huenda New Spouse ndio akaleta ugumu.
    Tuangalie zaidi njia au taratibu ambazo zikifuatwa, zinaweza kuepusha migogoro kwa kiwango kikubwa.
     
  4. daughter

    daughter JF-Expert Member

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    Mbu nimependa sana topic yako,imenigusa directly. I wil say ni muhimu sana kuwa na visitation rights no matter how costly it wil be. Hata kama mtoto atapata malezi mazuri vipi kutoka kwa step parent bado yuko attached na real parent wake in a way,at least biologically na huwezi kuibadilisha iyo but u can only strenthen it.
     
  5. Mr Rocky

    Mr Rocky JF-Expert Member

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    Mkuu unajua kuna kitu kimoja. Kukubalika kwa yule mtoto katika familia hii mpya. Yaani mama mpya au baba mpya amkubali yule mtoto kama wake na ampe malezi kama mtoto wake.
    Na je imani nayo ina nafasi gani kwa yule mtoto kama mzazi mmojawapo au wazazi wakabadilisha dhehebu je yule mtoto anaathirika vipi na je atafuata imani ya upande gani
    Na je yule mtoto anamuonaje mzazi mpya. Anaikubali familia mpya au anachukua muda kuikubali
    Vile vile je kama ni mpya hafungamani na mzazi yeyote kati ya wale je yule mzazi wake ana haki ya kumtembelea mwanae na je huku anakokuja kutembelea mtoto wake anapewa makaribisho yanayostahili kama mzazi wa yule mtoto.
    Na je mtoto anaona mabadiliko hayo kwa wazazi wake wapya kwa yule mzazi wake.
    Je kuna kificho cha mawasiliano kati ya mzazi yoyote
     
  6. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

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    umetumia busara nzuri sana. Lakini je? Mzazi wa Kambo ana influence gani kulazimisha hilo litendeke? Mfano...MKE/MUME alipitia misukosuko mibaya sana ya kuachana na ex wake kiasi kwamba hawana tena mawasiliano mazuri. Utalisuluhisha vipi hilo ili mtoto apate haki yake?

    Samahani kama nimekuuliza swali nje ya uwezo wako.
     
  7. AshaDii

    AshaDii Platinum Member

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    Hii imenigusa moja kwa moja mbu… yaani ile directly… Nashukuru for the post for naamini kua michango ya wengi katika this thread itanisaidia mimi na wengine moja kwa moja… Thank you… Kwa maoni yangu…

    Imani ya dini
    Imani ya dini hua tatizo saana pale inapokua wale wenye dini zao wameshikilia dini zao to the extent anataka kila alomzunguka awe dini yake, na kama vile za wenzie sio dini… Inapokua hivi huwa kwanza ni vigumu hata kuoana dini tofauti maana kila mmoja hujiona wa maana…

    However kwa wale ambao wanaoana dini tofauti athari ya malezi kwa mtoto naona sio mbaya saana but sometimes yaweza kua hata for the better… Yule mtoto anakua exposed to two sides of the religion i.e. Islam vs Christianity.. IMO naona kama mtoto anakua na exposure nzuri, na pia humuwekea busara Fulani ambayo imetokana na ile tolerance ya wazazi ya dini ya mtu mwingine na the like….

    Athari saana ni pale inapokua watoto weshakua brainwashed na their religion or the new mzazi – hapo naona amani inakua finyu, maana lazima kutakua na migongano ya mara kwa mara na dharau juu… from one or both sides…

    Narudi na upande wa kipato....
     
  8. Mr Rocky

    Mr Rocky JF-Expert Member

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    Mkuu Mbu hapo ndo unapaswa uhandle the situation kibusara zaidi kumfanya yule mtoto akue akijua kuwa hakuna tatizo. Hutakiwi kumuonyesha kuwa uliachana na mama yake kwa ugomvi au misukosuko maana wako wengine wanahamishia hasira kwa mtoto. Mtoto hatakiwi kuonyeshwa hayo wala hasira za wazazi zisihamishiwe kwa mtoto.
    Kama ni kumtembelea mtoto au mzazi ondoa kile kinyongo (japo najua ni ngumu) kwa muda wakati wa kumtembelea mtoto asije akahisi kuwa baba au mama ana kinyongo na mama au baba
     
  9. Mr Rocky

    Mr Rocky JF-Expert Member

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    AshaDii rudi haraka nimekumiss sana na umalizie bana
     
  10. The Boss

    The Boss JF-Expert Member

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    children never fail
    parents fail them
    teachers fails them
     
  11. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

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    ....umeuliza maswali ya maana sana.
    Katika hili, nachukulia muda ndio suluhisho la haya yote.
    Katika kosa kubwa wanalofanya wazazi wengi ni pamoja na kumtaka mtoto
    aanze kumwita mzazi mpya Baba/Mama... nadhani hii inaletesha confusion fulani kwenye akili zao.

    Jingine ni la Kumpa heshima yake stahili baba/mama mzazi wa mwanao wa kambo.
    Hapo wengi bado wanafeli kwa vijisababu vya kijinga kabisa. Kuna wale wanaodhani wakimu entertain
    Ex-spouse wa mke/mume eti anakaribisha janga la wawili hao kurudiana. Ndio utayasikia ya " 'si mmeshaachana nyie!'
    ya nini kupigiana simu na yeye kujileta hapa?
    "
     
  12. Mr Rocky

    Mr Rocky JF-Expert Member

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    Mbu hapo ni kukosea unapomlazimisha jambo lolote mtoto kama huyo. Mwache with time atajua kuwa huyu ni mzazi wangu na napaswa nimuheshimu na kumwita baba au mama
    Na worries kubwa ni hiyo. Hata ile kuja kumtembelea mtoto inaraise ile doubt kuwa kumuintertain mtu kama yule ni kutaka kurudisha uhusiano upya wakati ni just for mtoto tuu
     
  13. AshaDii

    AshaDii Platinum Member

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    Rocky hapo in blue... mara nyiingi saana kukubalika kwa mtoto huja na makubaliano juu ya mtoto kwa hao wazazi husika... Kuna wengine wana mtindo wa kuficha kua ana watoto ili aolewe/aoe mtu wa choice yake (kwa mfano); Hivo mtoto yeyote atakae kua introduced badae tokana na the fact huwezi ficha daima - hua mtihani mkubwa saaana na pia mateso kwa mtoto kwa kukusa amani.

    Kwa lile kundi ambalo wako wazi... naona mara nyiingi kwa wanaume akimkubali mtoto wako (mwanamke) na kumlea ujue kweli atamlea kama mtoto wake na atamkubali ukilinganisha na idadi kubwa ya wanawake... Hivo basi narudi kusema kua jinsi wale watoto wachukuliwavyo na mzazi huyo mpya ndo jinsi nao watavyo respond - thou in rare cases yaweza isiwe hivo... For hata wazazi wajitahidi vipi kuficha hisisa zao juu ya hao watoto ziwe positive or negative - anang'amua, ila anaweza asiseme...
     
  14. Mbu

    Mbu JF-Expert Member

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    ...sasa tuichukulie upande wa pili.
    Ex Spouse wako ameolewa/ameoa na kutokana nahali yeye ndio anaishi na watoto.
    Miongoni mwa jambo linalokusumbua akili ni mabadiliko ya tabia za watoto.
    Kwa tafsiri yako, unaamini ni kutokana na malezi na mazingira ya huko wanakoishi na mzazi mwenzio.

    Je, ni busara kuingilia kati kwa kuhofia wanao wasije haribika?
    Je, vipi iwapo hautopata ushirikiano wa kutosha toka upande huo?
    Kutokana na influence wanayoipata, wapi waweza pigia mstari mfu kukubali umeshindwa?
    Umri (wa mtoto/watoto) una play part gani katika hili?
     
  15. MwanajamiiOne

    MwanajamiiOne Platinum Member

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    Mbu huu sasa uchokozi mwe!!

    Kusema ukweli mahusiano ni kitu cha ajabu sana!! Sometimes unawezafikia uamuzi wa ........'mradi nimebahatika kumpata mtoto basi sihitaji tena uhusiano wa kudumu kama kuolewa/oa tena...lakini haiwezekani kwa sababu kuu mbili
    1. Wewe ni binadamu, una haki ya kupenda na kupendwa tena - mtu mmoja akikuharibia mapenzi haimaanishi kuwa ndo mwisho wa safari ya maisha ya mapenzi. Atatokea wa kukupenda kiukweli nawe ukampeda fungua moyo, furahia maisha ya mapenzi, mpende, akupende ni haki yako.
    2. Ukumbuke kuwa mtoto hadumu kuwa mtoto, atakuwa mkubwa na ataenda ake na kukuacha ukijutia mapenzi au sehemu ay maisha uliyoipoteza kwa kumhofia yeye na mahusiano yakek na Step..

    Hata hivyo wakati unayazingatia hayo hapo juu, ni muhimu ukawa muangalifu pia kwa namna utakavyolihandle swala zima la mahusiano yako na
    1. Ex- wako juu ya mtoto/watoto
    2. Mwanao/wanao juu ya Ex/baba/mama yao
    3. mwanao/wanao juu ya Current Spouse/partner wako
    4. Current Spouse/partner wako juu ya wanao
    5. Current spouse/partner wako juu ya scope ya mawasiliano yako na Ex-wako kuhusiana na rights zake kwa m/wanae.

    Afu we Mbu unawaza nini maana ;
    1.
     
  16. Mr Rocky

    Mr Rocky JF-Expert Member

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    Una haki kubwa kabisa kuingilia maana hata sheria inakuruhusu umri fulani ukae na mtoto wako na uclaim custody iwapo unaona mzazi wa upande wa pili malezi hayaendani mna kile unachotaka wewe.
    Na hii ni mbaya sana maana what u want for your son or daughter ni kuwa na malezi yanayoendana na wewe au yale unayoyataka. Unapoona mtoto wako malezi hayaendi the way unavyotaka ni lazima inakuumiza sana
    Umri pia nao una nafasi kubwa san katika kuhakikisha kuwa watoto wako au mtoto wajko anakua katika malezi ambayo unataka na ambayo unaweza kurekebisha. Ni bora kumuwahi na sio unaacha apotee ndio uje ukurupuke wakati ni too late.
    Kwenye malezi never ever do sucha thing kwamba u fail to fulfil your task. Kwenye malezi hakuna kushindwa.
     
  17. MwanajamiiOne

    MwanajamiiOne Platinum Member

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    AshaDii mydia aksante kwa maelezo yako but naona leo akili yangu mh.....mengi yanazunguka humo. Nahisi kama sijakuelewa hapa kwenye dini, je unazungumzia sababu za kuachana au vipi maana kama mlishakubaliana tokea mwanzo wa mapenzi yenu na kisha mkajaaliwa m/watoto sioni dini itawaathiri vipi iwapo (samahani pengine nakosea) utahesabu kuwa watoto wanakuwa upande wa Baba??
     
  18. nyumba kubwa

    nyumba kubwa JF-Expert Member

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    Watoto kama wanaishi na mama mzazi na baba wa kambo (aliyekubali kukaa nao) mara nyingi hakunaga shida.

    Kimbembe ni watoto kubaki kwa baba mzazi na mama wa kambo. Na tatizo ni kuwa baba wengi hawana muda na watoto kwa hiyo ni ngumu ku crush nao. Wamama wanakuwa na kazi kulea step child kwa kuwa wanakuwa nao muda mwingi.

    Kuhusu kumwita baba/mama mtu ambae si mzazi wako naona kama ni ngumu bora kutumia aunt/uncle especially kama wazazi wote wapo hai. Kuna wanawake/wanaume wakorofi akisikia mtoto anamuita baba/mama step parent inaweza kuwa chanzo cha kokoro na kuna wazazi wanafikia kuwambia watoto wao usimwite mama/baba siyo mama/baba yako huyo! Na kuna mpaka wanaowambia watoto wasiwaheshim steps wao.

    Cha kukumbuka ni kuwa in most cases divorces chanzo chake ni ugomvi kwa hiyo watu wengi ugomvu huo hauishi kamwe na wanatumia watoto kama silaha kwani wanajua wote mapenzi yako hapo hapo.
     
  19. Mr Rocky

    Mr Rocky JF-Expert Member

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    AshaDii hapo ndipo watu wanavyofanya kosa. Kama unajua kabisa una mtoto weka hilo wazi ili kukuweka wewe huru kumtembelea na kumpa huduma maana utakavyoficha ndo utengano kati yako na mtoto unapokuwa wa hali ya juu. Ni bora kuwa huru kuliko kuficha maana kuficha kwako ni kuwa mtoto unamweka katika wakati mgumu sana wa kutopata ukaribu wako kama mzazi haswa kwenye huduma na malezi
     
  20. MwanajamiiOne

    MwanajamiiOne Platinum Member

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    Aksante Mr. Rocky maelezo yako yamenifanya nijiulize maswali kuhusu financing needs za step- children ambao Ex- anatunza? mwe hapa hata sijui kama nimeeleweka! Mfano Ex- analeta matunzo kila mwezi na anapata visitational right yake. Je hii haimfanyi step daddy kujiona yuko redundant kwa kukidhi matumizi ya nyumbani kwake? Je haimpi kiburi mkewe?
     
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