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Laughter series: Many reasons to keep you smiling!

Discussion in 'Jokes/Utani + Udaku/Gossips' started by Kwetunikwetu, Feb 28, 2009.

  1. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #1
    Feb 28, 2009
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    Definitions....

    1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & an idiot at the other.

    2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

    3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

    4. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

    5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

    6. Conference/Seminar : The confusion of oneman multiplied by the number present.

    7. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water- power...

    8. Classic: A book which, people praise but do not read.

    9. Divorce: Future tense of marriage

    10. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

    11. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

    12. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

    13. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

    14. Experience: The name men give to theirmistakes.

    15. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

    16. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

    17. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

    18. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

    19. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

    20. Pessimist: - A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

    21. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

    22. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

    23. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

    24. Employee: One who gets paid for reading such mails......?
     
  2. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #2
    Feb 28, 2009
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    An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

    Consul : What is your name?
    Arab: Abdul Aziz

    Consul: Sex?
    Arab : Six to ten times a week

    Consul: I mean, male or female?
    Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels

    Consul: Holy cow!
    Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

    Consul: Man,...isn't it hostile?
    Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style

    Consul: Oh...dear!
    Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
     
  3. N

    Nesindiso Sir JF-Expert Member

    #3
    Mar 2, 2009
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    Du!!!
     
  4. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #4
    Mar 3, 2009
    Joined: Dec 23, 2007
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    A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children.


    A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her 8 children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

    After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!"

    The blind man replies, "If you would have put a rubber (condom) on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus right now, so shut up and walk
     
  5. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #5
    Mar 3, 2009
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    The statistics show that, after having sex, men respond in the following categories;

    2% eat;

    3% smoke cigarettes;

    4% take a shower;

    5% go to sleep

    and the major group 86% get up and go back home to their wives



    Do you agree with me??? Enjoy
     
  6. Sabode

    Sabode Senior Member

    #6
    Mar 4, 2009
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    Eeh!!! Hi ni mwisho wa matatizo mzee
     
  7. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #7
    Mar 5, 2009
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    A kid asked his father "what's the difference between stress, tension and panic? You have been mentioning every now and then".

    The father replied,

    "Stress is when wife is pregnant,

    Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

    Panic is when both are pregnant".
     
  8. SMU

    SMU JF-Expert Member

    #8
    Mar 5, 2009
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    Yalah:eek:!
     
  9. shrodinger

    shrodinger Member

    #9
    Mar 6, 2009
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    I would never agree with you more! That z just it!!!
     
  10. Novatus

    Novatus JF-Expert Member

    #10
    Mar 6, 2009
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    No thank you. Your research is for hooligans who have extramarital affairs!!!!!!
     
  11. Mzozo wa Mizozo

    Mzozo wa Mizozo JF-Expert Member

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    Mar 6, 2009
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    hahaha sidhani kama kuna mtu yupo katika position ya kubisha husiana na hili...LOL
     
  12. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #12
    Mar 7, 2009
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    A MAN WAKES HIS WIFE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

    'Bibi eeh? Bibiye? 'Nashikwa na mkojo!!'

    The wife Replies............. 'Salaalah! Si uende ******; kwani mpaka uniamshe???'

    'Haya mke wangu' Says the Man. He came back saying again 'Mke wangu, Mke wangu; Nataka nikuambie maneno ya ajabu!!'

    Now angry for being woken up for the second time, She said 'Salaala! Mwanamume, kama tembo huliwezi, usilewe yakhe bwana!! Haya, kitu gani tena cha ajabu ambacho hujaniambia wataka kuniambia tena?'

    He said 'Nilipokwenda ******, nilipofungua mlango taa ikawaka na nilipofunga mlango taa ikazimika yenyewe....Si maajabu tena hayo!?!'

    The wife sat up! & said 'Mlanisi, shetwani mjukuu wa Ibilisi, Mshenzi weewee!!!!! Ushakojoa tena ndani ya fridge!!!!!!'
     
  13. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #13
    Mar 7, 2009
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    She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.She married again and had 7 more children.


    Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.


    Alas, she finally died!


    Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."


    One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend," Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"


    The friend replied, "I think he means her legs!"
     
  14. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #14
    Mar 10, 2009
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    A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does.



    But when the fun is over, he realizes that he can not remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information. He tries every button on the instrument, without success.

    Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline.



    'Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?''

    "Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!!!"



    Hiii TWO LITRES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
     
  15. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #15
    Mar 10, 2009
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    Friendship Between Women:

    A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
    The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

    Friendship Between Men:

    A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

    Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there
     
  16. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #16
    Mar 10, 2009
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    Last month, University of Botswana scientists released the results of arecent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

    Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

    The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men's mind turns into women behaviour.

    To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

    It was then observed that 99 % of the test subjects had the following behaviour:

    1) Argued over nothing.
    2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
    3) Gained weight.
    4) Talked excessively without making sense.
    5) Became overly emotional.
    6) Couldn't drive.
    7) Failed to think rationally.
    8) Had to sit down while urinating.

    No further testing was considered necessary.
     
  17. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #17
    Mar 10, 2009
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    A married woman was having a really nice time with one of her boyfriends when there was a sudden knock at the door.


    Thinking that it was her husband, she instructed the man(#1) to jump into the ceiling only to find it was anather
    boyfriend(#2).

    When the second boyfriend was about to make love to her, the real hubby came, so boyfriend 2 had no other option
    except to jump into the ceiling also.



    "How are we going to get out of here?" #2 asked #1.



    "I don't know about you, for me am going as soon as the hubby starts making love to his wife."

    So when the time came, #1 jumped naked from the ceiling, landed on the bed and said, "Do not fear, I am Jesus, God shall bless u with a baby gal." And he quickly vanished.



    #2 quickly followed and panting said "I am satan. Have u seen Jesus?"

    "He went that way." the hubby replied.



    And So Both Of Them Successfully made their Exit!
     
  18. Kwetunikwetu

    Kwetunikwetu JF-Expert Member

    #18
    Mar 10, 2009
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    This is what a guy wrote to our systems analyst (Marriage Software Division):

    Dear Systems Analyst,

    I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

    This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

    An application such as ‘Boys Night’ out 2.5’ and ‘Golf 5.3’ no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected 'Saturday Rugby 6.3' always fails and 'Saturday Shopping 7.1' runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.

    I am thinking of going back to 'Girlfriend 7.0', but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?

    .... AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:

    Dear Customer,

    This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.

    You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.

    Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

    Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the.........
    C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.

    It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

    Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as 'Flowers 2.0' and 'Chocolates 5.0' or 'HUGS\ KISSES 600.0' or 'TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0' or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1' (if Child processing has already started).

    DO NOT under any circumstances install 'Secretary 2.1 ' (Short Skirt Version) or 'One Nightstand 3.2' (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

    BEST WISHES!
    Yours,

    Systems Analyst.
     
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