* Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA? A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. - A socialist, a capitalist and a communist agreed to meet. The socialist was late. 'Excuse me for being late, I was standing in a queue for sausages.' 'And what is a queue?' the capitalist asked. 'And what is a sausage?' the communist asked. One man to another: 'Because of communism I will have a plane!' 'What do you need a plane for?' 'Well what if suddenly, say, flour is being given out in Kalug. Fly for half an hour--and I'm there!' A citizen came to the funeral of Chernenko. 'Your ticket!' a guard demanded. 'For these performances I have a season ticket! Alexander the Great, Caesar and Napoleon observed the army parade in Red Square, as honorable visitors. 'If I had Soviet tanks,' Alexander said, 'I would have been invincible!' 'If I had Soviet planes,' Caesar speaks, 'I could have conquered the whole world!' 'And if I had had the newspaper "The Truth",' Napoleon said, 'the world, even now, would not have found out about Waterloo!' There was a question on Armenian radio for which there was no answer: If all countries became socialist, where would we buy grain? What's the real ratio between the Pound, the Rouble and the Dollar? A pound of Roubles is worth a Dollar. Brezhnev and Nixon took a trip by helicopter to inspect workers in the suburbs of Moscow. Nixon noticed workers' barracks with television aerials and exclaimed, 'You have surpassed us! We still don't have TVs in our pigsties!' Is it true that America comes in first place in the world for the number of cars? It's truth. But the Soviet Union comes in first for the number of places to park. A person is walking along the street in one boot. 'Have you lost a boot?' a passer-by asks. 'On the contrary - I've found one!' On the day of elections a voter received a ballot, but instead of lowering the ballot into the voting box, he began to read the surname of the single candidate. 'What are you doing?' his observer asked 'I want to find out, who I voted for.' 'Yes but don't you know that elections are secret?!' Why doesn't the USSR start sending people to the Moon? Because they are afraid they will become defectors. Why did the Supreme Soviet decided to invade Afghanistan? They decided to begin alphabetically. 'Who's your father?' the teacher asked Vovo. 'Comrade Stalin!' 'And who's your mother?' 'The Soviet native land!' 'And what do you want to become?' 'An orphan!' Stalin informed Beria that his phone was missing. The next day Stalin told Beria that the phone was found. 'But I've already arrested 25 people regarding this matter, and they all admitted to the crime!' said Beria. In a prison: 'How many years did you get? 'Twenty-five.' 'For what?' 'For nothing.' 'You're lying! For nothing they give ten.' An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian once shared their opinions on what was happiness. 'I test happiness,' said the Englishman, 'when in the winter, after good hunting I come back home and with a glass of good brandy, I settle down in an armchair opposite a roaring fire.' 'For me happiness,' said the Frenchman, 'is when I'm in a good restaurant eating good food and drinking good wine in the company of a fine woman, and then - a night of passion.' 'How you understand happiness!' exclaims the Russian. 'For me happiness is when, after a wearisome workday, I come into my room in my communal home, where I live together with my wife, my two children and the mother-in-law, and during the night there is a loud knock at the door, and I open it, and on the threshold are two threatening looking creatures standing there and ask me "Are you citizen Paramonov?" and I answer them: "He's not here, Paramonov lives a floor above!" Now there is true happiness!' Brezhnev and Nixon are standing near Niagara Falls with their bodyguards when they decide to test them. They both order them to jump into the falls. The American bodyguard refuses, saying, 'I have a family and children!' The Russian rushes towards the Falls without thinking, but at the last moment he's stopped. 'How did you decide to do such a thing without even thinking?' asks Nixon. 'I have a family and children!' What is Russian business? Stealing a box of vodka and selling it so as to have money to spend on drink. ! A Soviet tourist examines the home of a foreign worker: a bedroom, a dining room, a children's room, a living room, a kitchen... 'We have all this too, only without partitions!' 'What are you in for?' 'I told a joke.' 'And you?' 'Listened to a joke.' 'And you?' 'For laziness! I was at a party. One person there told a joke. I went home wondering whether to inform right then or tomorrow morning? "All right," I thought," tomorrow morning will be fine." And I was taken away during the night!' A man looks in a mirror, 'One of us is definitely the informer!' Is it possible to buy an honest person? To buy one is impossible, but to sell one is possible! Under the specified theory of historical materialism between Socialism and Communism the intermediate stage is inevitably-alcoholism. It's the first day after the end of Soviet Authority. A person approaches the newstand, 'Could I have the "The Truth" please.' 'There are no Soviet newspapers,' the seller answered. 'Why?' 'The Soviet Authority has been terminated.' The person left and came back again. 'Could I have the "The Truth" please.' 'I just told you, there are no Soviet newspapers!' 'Why?' 'The Soviet Authority was terminated - how many times must I repeat it? 'Ah, repeat, repeat...'